Bowing to Reality
who is more real - creator or created?31 total reviews
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I like this interesting story on your super natural fiction you have crafted here. Very well written, it flows nicely. I'm sure the monkey controller conveyed it correctly to the page. This is a very enjoyable reading.
Great job Fleed!
:)
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
  |
I like this interesting story on your super natural fiction you have crafted here. Very well written, it flows nicely. I'm sure the monkey controller conveyed it correctly to the page. This is a very enjoyable reading.
Great job Fleed!
:)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thank you, Aurora :-). I'm really glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from kiwijenny
Riveting realism and so well conveyed ...this is very very very good.....
I liked the build up and the crescendo as creator morphs with created....
I especially love the gnat ....screaming ...the memory of a forgotten personality...well scary well done
God bless
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
Riveting realism and so well conveyed ...this is very very very good.....
I liked the build up and the crescendo as creator morphs with created....
I especially love the gnat ....screaming ...the memory of a forgotten personality...well scary well done
God bless
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thanks so much, KJ :-). This was a real last-minute idea so I'm glad it came out well. I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from Rasp E
Utterly disturbing, but in a good way. I think you did a really good job distinguishing between the merging psyches. Or diverging, depending on whether the reader interprets him as an insane man, like the other characters, or a man being consumed by his own creation. That theme is pretty true to the genre, though I would say you've interpreted it uniquely and far more intimately than I've ever seen anyone else do it. I could go on for ages in all the ways that this story and the way you've told it is symbolically significant. This adds a whole new dimension to the concept of role play and what it means to assume an identity. To desire to be something entirely else.
As usual, you've got chillingly detailed imagery. Your prose has matured and deepened since the last time I was around.
As far as criticisms, I don't have much. I don't think the phrase "urgency injecting acid into my veins" quite works. it doesn't feel urgent. Plus, when you use a nonstandard term, in this case acid instead of adrenaline, I think it's even more necessary to show instead of tell. Because I know what adrenaline feels like, but what would acid in my veins feel like? If it was literal, I would have mere seconds to live, so figuratively, how would the limbs feel to make your narrator think "acid." Or acidic feeling adrenaline, if that's the case. As a reader, I need you to help me connect to whatever unusual or unique descriptions you use. If you add the sensory details here that support the imagery, it will keep me in the story. I do think you could use a little more sensory detail throughout.
Other than that, this is pretty damn good. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
Utterly disturbing, but in a good way. I think you did a really good job distinguishing between the merging psyches. Or diverging, depending on whether the reader interprets him as an insane man, like the other characters, or a man being consumed by his own creation. That theme is pretty true to the genre, though I would say you've interpreted it uniquely and far more intimately than I've ever seen anyone else do it. I could go on for ages in all the ways that this story and the way you've told it is symbolically significant. This adds a whole new dimension to the concept of role play and what it means to assume an identity. To desire to be something entirely else.
As usual, you've got chillingly detailed imagery. Your prose has matured and deepened since the last time I was around.
As far as criticisms, I don't have much. I don't think the phrase "urgency injecting acid into my veins" quite works. it doesn't feel urgent. Plus, when you use a nonstandard term, in this case acid instead of adrenaline, I think it's even more necessary to show instead of tell. Because I know what adrenaline feels like, but what would acid in my veins feel like? If it was literal, I would have mere seconds to live, so figuratively, how would the limbs feel to make your narrator think "acid." Or acidic feeling adrenaline, if that's the case. As a reader, I need you to help me connect to whatever unusual or unique descriptions you use. If you add the sensory details here that support the imagery, it will keep me in the story. I do think you could use a little more sensory detail throughout.
Other than that, this is pretty damn good. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Is it showing that I've been playing WoW again recently? We have a cancelled train to thank for this story. I'd written the opening paragraph but got nowhere with where I wanted it to go. Then my train to work was cancelled this morning, leading to half an hour in a coffee shop, leading to a further 40 minutes of fevered writing on the train. Lunch time saw me polish it off and edit, then I posted on the train home. I really must keep reminding myself to just start writing - then all the ideas come while I'm typing.
Totally agree with your acid observations - in retrospect, t doesn't work at all. I've simplified the analogy to urgency twisting his stomach - the renewed vigour he experiences in the wake of that urgency is implied enough by the following sentence without a specific description.
As for adding detail, that's something I love doing. However, I've noticed the contest committee here favour sparsely detailed stories as a rule of thumb, so perhaps I'll do that after the contest ;-).
Thanks so much, Erica. You're one of the ones I trust to get under the skin of a piece and notice the elements not quite working. I haven't forgotten part 2 of your Ash chapter - just been busy all weekend with room rearranging and cinema.
Mike
Comment from Erik McGinley
Very cool and interesting perspective.
I'm a strong fan of computer gaming and you had me thinking of both Thief and Witcher at several points during that. Always good if your audience can relate to your story.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
Very cool and interesting perspective.
I'm a strong fan of computer gaming and you had me thinking of both Thief and Witcher at several points during that. Always good if your audience can relate to your story.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Both great franchises! I'm looking forward to The Witcher 3 - it looks astonishing. I was worried I'd lose some readers with the game dev-orientated talk but it seemed to work for everyone so far.
Thanks for the great response :-).
Mike
Comment from Sasha
When I saw this contest, I immediately thought of you. I enjoyed this immensely. It is brilliantly written, and captured my full attention instantly. This is definitely a top contender and I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. Superb with with this one!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
 |
When I saw this contest, I immediately thought of you. I enjoyed this immensely. It is brilliantly written, and captured my full attention instantly. This is definitely a top contender and I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. Superb with with this one!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much, my dear friend :-). I was worried I wouldn;t get my entry written for this but then my train to work was cancelled this morning and I hammered out enough in the coffee shop while I waited for the next one to get me going.
Mike
Comment from rama devi
This is highly creative, inventive and original, dear Mike. Such a great idea for a unique spin on the contest theme. Bravo. Modern, too.
Drew me right in with the swift paced, well detailed and finely worded narrative style. Good dialog too--authentic to character and interesting. Smooth sentence construction makes the read flow well. The italics device works well too--shifting in and out of the 'game'. Excellent transitions from the corporate guys to the nice techie--with a witty interaction:
"The Archer doesn't shrink from reality. An arrow through the leg hurts." I felt a tear building in my eye and blinked it back. "We should not pretend otherwise."
"Then he needs to accept this reality."
and then back to the game, where its creator knows every detail and makes them come alive for the players:
I knew his severe hair, the tense set of his shoulders when he drew his bow, the rhythmic flex of his thighs as he ran down another victim.
I love how you make the ARCHER character come to life as the brainchild of your protagonist...and the parallel between them:
The Archer was the epitome of modern man, put in a position of outlet. He sparred with enemies to keep his life. I sparred with business partners to maintain my livelihood. We had a mutual respect, or so I hoped.
...As well as the fact that the Archer took on a life of his own--probably much the same this story did when you wrote it!
And then the epiphany where he first realizes how intimate he is with his creation:
The Archer was more real to me than any stranger I met on the bus or talked to over telephone. I knew how he'd react in any given situation, the things he loved and loathed.
Did that not make him a person?
As if listening to my thoughts, he chose that moment to turn around. There it was -- that detailed exterior viewpoint, a complete person in two dimensions.
And then they MERGE--brilliant! Great crescendo effect to that climactic Aha...and then onward to the niorrifying and ironic satire on the ARCHER killing the business people. LOL Really took the reader for a ride with that!
Witty touch with the guy mentioning the third person part:
"Glad to hear you've dropped that whole third person thing but you still sound mad. Have you considered therapy?"
"The Archer deals only in reality," LOL
And great twist in the ending--and a superb ending line too.
Suggestions:
*
The Archer is not Lara Croft," I sneered.
*
"I get the feeling," he said, shifting in his scruffy old office chair, "T(t)he Archer no longer needs my help."
Six stars for the imaginative and effective creativity in this unusual write, and the masterful writing style too. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
PS--Surely, this should be a contender. Good luck!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
This is highly creative, inventive and original, dear Mike. Such a great idea for a unique spin on the contest theme. Bravo. Modern, too.
Drew me right in with the swift paced, well detailed and finely worded narrative style. Good dialog too--authentic to character and interesting. Smooth sentence construction makes the read flow well. The italics device works well too--shifting in and out of the 'game'. Excellent transitions from the corporate guys to the nice techie--with a witty interaction:
"The Archer doesn't shrink from reality. An arrow through the leg hurts." I felt a tear building in my eye and blinked it back. "We should not pretend otherwise."
"Then he needs to accept this reality."
and then back to the game, where its creator knows every detail and makes them come alive for the players:
I knew his severe hair, the tense set of his shoulders when he drew his bow, the rhythmic flex of his thighs as he ran down another victim.
I love how you make the ARCHER character come to life as the brainchild of your protagonist...and the parallel between them:
The Archer was the epitome of modern man, put in a position of outlet. He sparred with enemies to keep his life. I sparred with business partners to maintain my livelihood. We had a mutual respect, or so I hoped.
...As well as the fact that the Archer took on a life of his own--probably much the same this story did when you wrote it!
And then the epiphany where he first realizes how intimate he is with his creation:
The Archer was more real to me than any stranger I met on the bus or talked to over telephone. I knew how he'd react in any given situation, the things he loved and loathed.
Did that not make him a person?
As if listening to my thoughts, he chose that moment to turn around. There it was -- that detailed exterior viewpoint, a complete person in two dimensions.
And then they MERGE--brilliant! Great crescendo effect to that climactic Aha...and then onward to the niorrifying and ironic satire on the ARCHER killing the business people. LOL Really took the reader for a ride with that!
Witty touch with the guy mentioning the third person part:
"Glad to hear you've dropped that whole third person thing but you still sound mad. Have you considered therapy?"
"The Archer deals only in reality," LOL
And great twist in the ending--and a superb ending line too.
Suggestions:
*
The Archer is not Lara Croft," I sneered.
*
"I get the feeling," he said, shifting in his scruffy old office chair, "T(t)he Archer no longer needs my help."
Six stars for the imaginative and effective creativity in this unusual write, and the masterful writing style too. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
PS--Surely, this should be a contender. Good luck!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thanks so much, RD :-). This was a total writing-by-the-seat-of-my-pants creation. I'd resigned myself to not entering the contest until my train to work was cancelled this morning and I gained 30 minutes in the coffee shop. That was enough to get me going, then 40 minutes on the train was enough to finish the draft. Lunch time was long enough for a quick edit, then I posted on the train home. A rollercoaster, but most of my ideas seem to come when I'm already writing. Hence, I have to start even if I have no clue where I'm going!
I'm so glad you liked it, and very much appreciate your insights into the subtext. I can't resist getting a philosophical bit in there, lol :-)
Mike
-
Amazing that this was a draft, my friend--a sign you're prose-muscles have been building up all these years! I write the same way--spontaneous and just letting it flow without a plan. The philosophical overtones are one thing I love most about your writing. :) Warmly, rd
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my!!! This is not only up to your usual wonderful standard but by passes it greatly. I enjoyed reading this story and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
Oh my!!! This is not only up to your usual wonderful standard but by passes it greatly. I enjoyed reading this story and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much, Barbara :-). I wrote this in a mad rush but sometimes that seems to be the best way. I'm thrilled you liked it!
Mike
Comment from chasennov
"Bowing to Reality" An interesting story on your super natural fiction you have crafted here. I'm sure the monkey controller conveyed it correctly to the page. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
"Bowing to Reality" An interesting story on your super natural fiction you have crafted here. I'm sure the monkey controller conveyed it correctly to the page. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thank you, Chase.
-
You are most welcome.
Comment from adewpearl
I love this guy who keeps referring to The Archer instead of saying I when he speaks about this game he has designed. Great dialogue that shows his eccentricity effectively and also the sarcastic way in which the video game producer reacts to his quirkiness.
Fantastic passages where he spins his Archer fantasy
Oh, that is certainly a dramatic turn when he acts out his Archer fantasies as he reacts to yet another producer's rejection.
Great use of the contest's smirk sentence in that passage
Killer ending :-) You have to love a guy who commits to his art. Brooke
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
I love this guy who keeps referring to The Archer instead of saying I when he speaks about this game he has designed. Great dialogue that shows his eccentricity effectively and also the sarcastic way in which the video game producer reacts to his quirkiness.
Fantastic passages where he spins his Archer fantasy
Oh, that is certainly a dramatic turn when he acts out his Archer fantasies as he reacts to yet another producer's rejection.
Great use of the contest's smirk sentence in that passage
Killer ending :-) You have to love a guy who commits to his art. Brooke
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
lol, thank you, Brooke :-). I wonder how many of us writer types have immersed ourselves a little too heavily in a favourite character? Quite a few, I suspect!
Mike
Comment from LIJ Red
Views not so many...heah Ah is...right well entertained.
Looks smoothly wrote. I was playing the Link about the
Ocarina and looked up and three golden hours were lost and I said ta heck with this. I had a smirking archer tale but it was already posted. Oh well. Excellent write.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
|
Views not so many...heah Ah is...right well entertained.
Looks smoothly wrote. I was playing the Link about the
Ocarina and looked up and three golden hours were lost and I said ta heck with this. I had a smirking archer tale but it was already posted. Oh well. Excellent write.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
-
Thank you, LIJ - I'm glad you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
