Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "The Venus fly trap "A book of Poetry & Writing
91 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
Sounds like there's a still a sucker born every minute and most of them are born again and again. Fast women never slow down. Nice poem.
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Sounds like there's a still a sucker born every minute and most of them are born again and again. Fast women never slow down. Nice poem.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from vapros
Chapter 34 has proven to be a good verse about a special kind of girl. Discovering, experiencing and then losing her makes it all believable, and certainly not unique.
I have to note an inconsistency here: I thought line six read awkwardly. I think the word 'her' is the cause, and should be discarded. Be well.
v
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Chapter 34 has proven to be a good verse about a special kind of girl. Discovering, experiencing and then losing her makes it all believable, and certainly not unique.
I have to note an inconsistency here: I thought line six read awkwardly. I think the word 'her' is the cause, and should be discarded. Be well.
v
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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removed "her" thanks
Gary
Comment from forestport12
So much depth of passion and romance, and love lost. It is a story in a sense. It gives pause to how in the delicate balance of our love's expression, how we can cause someone to fall-out of love and lose touch, but simple things in life, like the words we say in the right time, the reflections we offer, added touches we give, can be small by themselves but together they build a fort of love that each other cannot escape.
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So much depth of passion and romance, and love lost. It is a story in a sense. It gives pause to how in the delicate balance of our love's expression, how we can cause someone to fall-out of love and lose touch, but simple things in life, like the words we say in the right time, the reflections we offer, added touches we give, can be small by themselves but together they build a fort of love that each other cannot escape.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from SaluteDobby
Loved the depiction of the first rush of love, followed by a falling out, most probably because the guy was busy trying to make ends meet while all she wanted to do was party.. Sad tale, told in a heart touching manner. Hope it isn't a true story!
Regards,
Namratha
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Loved the depiction of the first rush of love, followed by a falling out, most probably because the guy was busy trying to make ends meet while all she wanted to do was party.. Sad tale, told in a heart touching manner. Hope it isn't a true story!
Regards,
Namratha
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from Leineco
A song of sorrow for sure. I will not say a lesson learned -
but will say that was pain endured. Heartfelt write.
There are some problems you need to address though
Line 4 - Owe sprites so intertwined, - I am not clear what this is supposed to say:
Oh, sprites, so intertwined? Our spirits so intertwined? Two spirits so intertwined?
Line 5 - I would recommend a comma or semi colon after dream
Line 8 - you might consider turned her head as opposed to moved her head
Line 10 - Her weekends away while staying at home, without a comma between away and while this reads as if she were doing both simultaneously (weekend away AND staying at home) - my read is you are referring to her weekend away while you stayed at home. A comma would clarify that.
Line 11 - What more to take his heart was lost, this dark eyed girl now gone.
this line lacks clarity also :-( is there supposed to be a comma or dash after take? (that would kind of make sense if you mean to say what else could she take - his heart was already stolen) -
Line 13&14 - I suspect you meant for the but at the end of Line 13 to be the start of Line 14
The story is clear and well told, but the mechanics of the construction could use a little polish :-)
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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A song of sorrow for sure. I will not say a lesson learned -
but will say that was pain endured. Heartfelt write.
There are some problems you need to address though
Line 4 - Owe sprites so intertwined, - I am not clear what this is supposed to say:
Oh, sprites, so intertwined? Our spirits so intertwined? Two spirits so intertwined?
Line 5 - I would recommend a comma or semi colon after dream
Line 8 - you might consider turned her head as opposed to moved her head
Line 10 - Her weekends away while staying at home, without a comma between away and while this reads as if she were doing both simultaneously (weekend away AND staying at home) - my read is you are referring to her weekend away while you stayed at home. A comma would clarify that.
Line 11 - What more to take his heart was lost, this dark eyed girl now gone.
this line lacks clarity also :-( is there supposed to be a comma or dash after take? (that would kind of make sense if you mean to say what else could she take - his heart was already stolen) -
Line 13&14 - I suspect you meant for the but at the end of Line 13 to be the start of Line 14
The story is clear and well told, but the mechanics of the construction could use a little polish :-)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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thank you did make change
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:-)
I read the rewrite - I was wrong! the comma in "weekends away, while staying home. . ." is worse now! (sorry) - now it clearly reads she is doing both - my screw up :-( , I gave bad advice.
I think the only way to cure it is to change it to "weekends away, while I stayed home?)
Will go back in and change my rating. I appreciate your taking my review advice into consideration.
Comment from ronnie k
I am taken by this poem, it says somuch and leave almost nothing un said, the picture is a delight the lines prove a treat and food for much thinking.
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I am taken by this poem, it says somuch and leave almost nothing un said, the picture is a delight the lines prove a treat and food for much thinking.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from Carole Rosa
I don't know how to address you, as DeepWater or GW. Both are neat! I assume you are composing non-fiction poetry. Dark eyed girls are hard to find. On the other side of the coin, husbands are too. She probably regrets her decisions. Cute photo and lovely poem. Carole
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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I don't know how to address you, as DeepWater or GW. Both are neat! I assume you are composing non-fiction poetry. Dark eyed girls are hard to find. On the other side of the coin, husbands are too. She probably regrets her decisions. Cute photo and lovely poem. Carole
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Gary, Thanks for reading Carole
Comment from Domino 2
Even though I'm extremely handsome, dashing, debonair, rich and intelligent, being 63, I doubt I'd expect any real devotion from a beautiful young lady prostitute, unless she appreciated what I REALLY am...bald, tubby and broke, with the IQ of a baked bean... to fall for her in the first place. :-)
Cheers, Ray
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Even though I'm extremely handsome, dashing, debonair, rich and intelligent, being 63, I doubt I'd expect any real devotion from a beautiful young lady prostitute, unless she appreciated what I REALLY am...bald, tubby and broke, with the IQ of a baked bean... to fall for her in the first place. :-)
Cheers, Ray
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good alliteration with so/soft/smooth...sprites/so...have/her/his...spring/summers...her/head...weekends/while...the/things. Good eye catching photo followed by a thought provoking message.
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Good alliteration with so/soft/smooth...sprites/so...have/her/his...spring/summers...her/head...weekends/while...the/things. Good eye catching photo followed by a thought provoking message.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
Comment from acerisestory
Your poem has a nice flow and message: of love found and lost. There are some issues, however. In the third line, should it be 'our spirits' instead of 'owe sprites?' Not quite sure what 'spring of summers' means. Much more (including forced rhyme), but this is a start. Good luck with the contest. Alana
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Your poem has a nice flow and message: of love found and lost. There are some issues, however. In the third line, should it be 'our spirits' instead of 'owe sprites?' Not quite sure what 'spring of summers' means. Much more (including forced rhyme), but this is a start. Good luck with the contest. Alana
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
