The Eyes Have It
Rose has quite the green thumb -- or red, perhaps...50 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, I just had a hard time keeping up with it from one scene to the next, going from flashbacks to present. I wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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this is very well written, mystery writer, I just had a hard time keeping up with it from one scene to the next, going from flashbacks to present. I wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 09-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review it for me, sweetwoodjax. I really appreciate your opinions.
Comment from a.w.brooks
Ok I would have to say it really took me by surprise of the writing I like the approach of me try to see what Rose was trying to get him to say after I got to the bottom of the story it all came to me like a flash of what he was saying and experiencing very horrified. I have to say you have done a great job of writing the story even with the commercial in the middle of it and the opening was awesome took me right back to tales of the crypt love it thanks for writing the story. and waiting for part two love the tales of the crypt. Best of luck
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Ok I would have to say it really took me by surprise of the writing I like the approach of me try to see what Rose was trying to get him to say after I got to the bottom of the story it all came to me like a flash of what he was saying and experiencing very horrified. I have to say you have done a great job of writing the story even with the commercial in the middle of it and the opening was awesome took me right back to tales of the crypt love it thanks for writing the story. and waiting for part two love the tales of the crypt. Best of luck
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Hey, thanks a million, a.w.brooks. This story has been a conundrum, for sure! It's one of those "Love it, or hate it" kinda' things. I'm glad to know that you loved it, and I really appreciate it.
Comment from Roblac
A real horror , scary and graphic. The use of the graphics tells and adds a dimension to the story. This is truly a horrifying.
Very well written with good structure.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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A real horror , scary and graphic. The use of the graphics tells and adds a dimension to the story. This is truly a horrifying.
Very well written with good structure.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Thanks, Roblac. I sincerely appreciate your opinions and kind review.
Comment from Novice2012
No, no, I don't suppose you can from where you are.
I think its suppose to be Can't?
The sights those eys must have witnessed.....
I think EYE'S?
Other than those two mistakes....if they are mistakes...I thought it was good. It took me several paragraphs to figure out what was going on. Maybe I didn't notice anymore because I was to engrossed in it to see any. Good Job.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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No, no, I don't suppose you can from where you are.
I think its suppose to be Can't?
The sights those eys must have witnessed.....
I think EYE'S?
Other than those two mistakes....if they are mistakes...I thought it was good. It took me several paragraphs to figure out what was going on. Maybe I didn't notice anymore because I was to engrossed in it to see any. Good Job.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Thanks for such excellent feed back, Novice2012. I'm really glad it finally "clicked" for you. I read and write constantly, and in that time, I have only seen one other story written in this manner, with just one character's voice. It chilled me to the bone! Like you, it took me a while to catch on, but once I did ---WHOA!, Katy bar the door! I was floored.
I think we have to challenge ourselves as writers from time to time and try new, innovative ways of telling a story. That's exactly what I set out to do here.
I've made the correction you pointed out, thank you!
Thanx again for such a great review!
Comment from Tpa
An extremely entertaining story, which captivated this reader from the very beginning. The characters and actions were vividly described. I read you author's note and commend on your experiment in writing. Although your brief commercial was a good marketing tool, I thought it interrupted the pace of the story as I was reading it and very much into it. However, the whole text was ingenious, and I wish you good luck.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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An extremely entertaining story, which captivated this reader from the very beginning. The characters and actions were vividly described. I read you author's note and commend on your experiment in writing. Although your brief commercial was a good marketing tool, I thought it interrupted the pace of the story as I was reading it and very much into it. However, the whole text was ingenious, and I wish you good luck.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Thanks for the excellent feedback and exceptional rating, Tpa. I do appreciate it.
I used the commercial to give my readers the feel of watching one of those old, late night horror show hosts and their cheesy "B" fright flicks they so often aired on them. So, the commercial was not only included to give you a brief comic respite from the story, but to also create the illusion that you were actually watching a television program. That was my intent, anyway.
I'm truly glad you liked the story, other than that.
Thanks so much again!
Comment from G.B. Smith
What a nasty assed story line. gawd I loved it. You take fear to a new height. I love your additional pieces of artwork as well
Bear
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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What a nasty assed story line. gawd I loved it. You take fear to a new height. I love your additional pieces of artwork as well
Bear
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2014
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Thanks a million, Glen Bear Smith! I hoped it felt like you were watching one of those old, cheesy, late-night creature features, complete with it's campy horror host. I grew up watching them, and I think it's sad that so many have fallen by the way-side.
I sincerely appreciate your generous rating and kind comments.
Comment from Strider3600
I have to admit that you did a good job with the first person narrative. I really enjoyed the story, and I'd have to say that this was a successful challenge. You did a very good job of keeping the reader engaged, and your story flowed very cleanly.
That being said, I do think a lot was lost in telling this tale in a limited first person POV. I think that you could have done a lot more if you made it a wider first or even limited third person. It would certainly give you more room to play with and give you opportunities to delve deeper into descriptions of what exactly is going on. Other than that, it was very well written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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I have to admit that you did a good job with the first person narrative. I really enjoyed the story, and I'd have to say that this was a successful challenge. You did a very good job of keeping the reader engaged, and your story flowed very cleanly.
That being said, I do think a lot was lost in telling this tale in a limited first person POV. I think that you could have done a lot more if you made it a wider first or even limited third person. It would certainly give you more room to play with and give you opportunities to delve deeper into descriptions of what exactly is going on. Other than that, it was very well written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Thank you, Strider3600, and I appreciate your opinion. I still have about 6 days to work on it before the contest goes live, but I happen to like it, just as it is, and I must say, the majority of other reviewers have as well. Gotta' take risks in writing sometimes, not be like everyone else.
I'm sorry the story didn't pan out for you, make you feel as if you were a part of the experience.
I did find it interesting that you haven't written anything yourself. H-m-m-m-mmmmmmmmmm... Imagine that.
Anyhow, thanks so much for taking the time to review it.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Well...what can one say? This creepylicious tale is outstanding in its writing and presentation. The commercials really are a master touch. You did an excellent job at maintaining the first person while still giving the reader the essence of what was going on in Ben's mind. Outstanding work.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Well...what can one say? This creepylicious tale is outstanding in its writing and presentation. The commercials really are a master touch. You did an excellent job at maintaining the first person while still giving the reader the essence of what was going on in Ben's mind. Outstanding work.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Thanks, Stephanie, i am really glad that you liked this, and the way in which it was presented. The contest rules stated it must be this way, so, here is what I came up with, LOL.
I'm glad you liked the first person, narrative style as well. Many haven't, claiming it to be too boring. Ah well, if we write like everyone else, we'll never stand out, good or bad, right?
Thanks so much again for the excellent feedback and most generous rating.
Comment from Acquired Taste
Exceptional...Simply exceptional - without doubt it is a 7.
The level of writing competence belongs on a professional venue. You have, quite seductively, taken your reader along on a horrific trip of retribution into the dark side of the mind.
Though one may have considered stopping the read when the content became a bit gory, you skillfully gave us just enough that we could not stop - like the proverbial potato chip 'bet ya can't eat just one.'
The crowing ploy, of course, was the commercial. May I say that is brilliant. The creation and execution of an intensely creative mind and seductive story-teller.
You also did an amazing job of 1st person. That was a refreshing change because you put Ben's comments in the mind of the reader. I could truly picture her standing over his bleeding eyes slapping his face and demanding he shut up. Loved it.
Now, what does that say about me? Ummm, jealous I did not come up with the concept first.
The few nits I found are absolutely non-issues. This offering should be taken in its 'overall' not as a test for grammar or form.
I loved the line:
Look out the window, Ben, down in the rose garden. Can you see them? Oh, no, I guess you can't, can you, ha ha? I keep forgetting...
Just my thoughts.....AT=/
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Exceptional...Simply exceptional - without doubt it is a 7.
The level of writing competence belongs on a professional venue. You have, quite seductively, taken your reader along on a horrific trip of retribution into the dark side of the mind.
Though one may have considered stopping the read when the content became a bit gory, you skillfully gave us just enough that we could not stop - like the proverbial potato chip 'bet ya can't eat just one.'
The crowing ploy, of course, was the commercial. May I say that is brilliant. The creation and execution of an intensely creative mind and seductive story-teller.
You also did an amazing job of 1st person. That was a refreshing change because you put Ben's comments in the mind of the reader. I could truly picture her standing over his bleeding eyes slapping his face and demanding he shut up. Loved it.
Now, what does that say about me? Ummm, jealous I did not come up with the concept first.
The few nits I found are absolutely non-issues. This offering should be taken in its 'overall' not as a test for grammar or form.
I loved the line:
Look out the window, Ben, down in the rose garden. Can you see them? Oh, no, I guess you can't, can you, ha ha? I keep forgetting...
Just my thoughts.....AT=/
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Just your "thoughts" Jean? Well, my dear friend, I really like the way you think, LOL.
I'm really happy to know that you, a fellow horror aficionado, and a fan of the genre, really liked the way this was written and presented. Not everyone has, and it has received two-star ratings, all the way to to six. No one's yet, but it's still early. Some even say that the commercial break is an inconvenient distraction, and takes away from the overall flow of the story itself. What those reviewers fail to realize is that I wanted this to come across as if you are watching one of those old, campy, cheesy "B" movie horror hosts of yesteryear that used to permeate the airwaves.
All that being said, we will see how truly well written most people really believe it is come time to vote in the contest, and how many of those favorable reviewers will even show up to vote at all.
Thanks for the excellent feedback and most generous rating, Jean. All are greatly appreciated!
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They DON'T like the commercial? I thought it was so creative and yes, it is a throwback to the old grade B's. I laughed when it came up on the screen. Though I love horror, am not a fan of blood, guts and open sores, but that is fine - I just skim over those things. I don't berate the entire piece because of one thing that is a personal item for me! I am at a loss with the two star review. This seems to have become a site of proper grammar usages, definitely strict comma insertions and rote formats for the masses. Not so much fun! Jean
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I would tend to agree with you there, Jean. No one likes to have fun anymore. People think the world is filled with faery dust and butterflies, when in reality, there's plenty of guys like Ben Pfizer walking around out there, unfortunately.
Comment from Michaelk
Very good story. I liked the first person view. I think you carried it off very well. You did a wonderful job of describing things slowly. Building animosity and eliminating for Ben. By the end, I was feeling she had been too easy on him. The one sided conversation was easy to follow without being clunky or obvious. I did notice a little spag.
'the sights those ey(e)s must have witnessed'
'shut (your) filthy mouth'
Great campy horror story, although I'm not sure what the whole hemorrhoid commercial had to do with anything.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Very good story. I liked the first person view. I think you carried it off very well. You did a wonderful job of describing things slowly. Building animosity and eliminating for Ben. By the end, I was feeling she had been too easy on him. The one sided conversation was easy to follow without being clunky or obvious. I did notice a little spag.
'the sights those ey(e)s must have witnessed'
'shut (your) filthy mouth'
Great campy horror story, although I'm not sure what the whole hemorrhoid commercial had to do with anything.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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The commercial break was included because the contest rules stated that we were to make our readers feel as if they were watching one of those old, late-night horror host shows that used to be so popular back in the day. So, I tried to created that experience for you in words. You know, as if you were watching one of those cheesy, late-nigh "B" horror movies, that's all.
I'm glad to know you liked the first person narrative, Many haven't.
Thanks for the great feedback, Michael, and for catching the spelling error for me. I swear, no matter how many times I edit something (and this one, I've edited a LOT!), I always seem to miss something. If only I had a nickle...
