Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Elusive butterfly "A book of Poetry & Writing
53 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
I really enjoyed the imagery your writing evoked, but I'm not sure this fits the qualification for a script. You give no direction or description - is this a monologue? If so, somewhere your script should indicate that. It should also describe the setting and what happens - e.g "House lights dim, curtain rises, center stage is...".
Wonderfully evocative writing, though - I did enjoy it.
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I really enjoyed the imagery your writing evoked, but I'm not sure this fits the qualification for a script. You give no direction or description - is this a monologue? If so, somewhere your script should indicate that. It should also describe the setting and what happens - e.g "House lights dim, curtain rises, center stage is...".
Wonderfully evocative writing, though - I did enjoy it.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from DanielEkine
Hi Deep Water, hope you don't mind but I can't resist your temptation of beautiful creation. You just got a new fan. Great job. The entirety of this work speaks volume.
"Elusive butterfly drawn to sugar only to dance at the devil's fire by night
Through laborious years you glide so high only to attack these bases of life
With well-weighted advantage you strike to destroy the foundation of faith we imply
What joy do you bring to this earthy world as flying your true colors will corrupt new life?"
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Hi Deep Water, hope you don't mind but I can't resist your temptation of beautiful creation. You just got a new fan. Great job. The entirety of this work speaks volume.
"Elusive butterfly drawn to sugar only to dance at the devil's fire by night
Through laborious years you glide so high only to attack these bases of life
With well-weighted advantage you strike to destroy the foundation of faith we imply
What joy do you bring to this earthy world as flying your true colors will corrupt new life?"
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
I think this is the first work I've had the pleasure of reading by you, deepwater, and I have to say the subject matter is right up my alley.
Yes, there's never a shortage of fresh, new victims for us ne'er do wells to attach ourselves to. That's the beauty of the cycle of life, it's always spitting out new souls to defile and corrupt. That not withstanding, our world, the world in which we all share, does a damn good job of that, all on her own.
Self-improvement? Well, that's always a matter of perception, isn't it?
Well done, an interesting...concept, written quite eloquently, I might add.
Oh, yeah, before I forget?
Loved the picture!
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I think this is the first work I've had the pleasure of reading by you, deepwater, and I have to say the subject matter is right up my alley.
Yes, there's never a shortage of fresh, new victims for us ne'er do wells to attach ourselves to. That's the beauty of the cycle of life, it's always spitting out new souls to defile and corrupt. That not withstanding, our world, the world in which we all share, does a damn good job of that, all on her own.
Self-improvement? Well, that's always a matter of perception, isn't it?
Well done, an interesting...concept, written quite eloquently, I might add.
Oh, yeah, before I forget?
Loved the picture!
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from martha france cannon
this seems to be a very deep inner soul poem. I read and re-read and I must say I still to not get the entire meaning. I understand the words are secretive and profound and I critique on that basic poem. there are probably a hundred readers of poems that get this but I can not. poems gives thought and this poem does just that.
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this seems to be a very deep inner soul poem. I read and re-read and I must say I still to not get the entire meaning. I understand the words are secretive and profound and I critique on that basic poem. there are probably a hundred readers of poems that get this but I can not. poems gives thought and this poem does just that.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from daeneam
My attention was caught by the photograph. It was used by a poser in Facebook and she has been spreading malicious things about somebody. I admit, I'm not a perfect being but I am trying my very best to follow our God. But I think, the good and the evil resides in every human being. Whoever wins, is our choice.
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My attention was caught by the photograph. It was used by a poser in Facebook and she has been spreading malicious things about somebody. I admit, I'm not a perfect being but I am trying my very best to follow our God. But I think, the good and the evil resides in every human being. Whoever wins, is our choice.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from acerisestory
I am not sure I understand what you are saying, although your writing flows nicely. Is the butterfly the devil, perhaps? Some possible additional corrections:
Morality to replace ethical in first line
Earthly instead of 'earthy world'
demise instead of 'down of your life'
Your rhyming is good in the last eight lines, but there is no rhyming in the first six. Perhaps that was a plan.
Best wishes. Alana
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I am not sure I understand what you are saying, although your writing flows nicely. Is the butterfly the devil, perhaps? Some possible additional corrections:
Morality to replace ethical in first line
Earthly instead of 'earthy world'
demise instead of 'down of your life'
Your rhyming is good in the last eight lines, but there is no rhyming in the first six. Perhaps that was a plan.
Best wishes. Alana
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
Comment from elchupakabra
Overall I like where you`re going with this piece, but as mentioned by a previous reviewer, I`ve little to no idea what the theme/message of this piece is. I even read the other reviews to see if maybe it was just me, but it's not. You've at least corrected most of the spag but there are still a few issues that need to be addressed, like Ethics being more applicable than Ethical, etc. Great work and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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Overall I like where you`re going with this piece, but as mentioned by a previous reviewer, I`ve little to no idea what the theme/message of this piece is. I even read the other reviews to see if maybe it was just me, but it's not. You've at least corrected most of the spag but there are still a few issues that need to be addressed, like Ethics being more applicable than Ethical, etc. Great work and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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thanks
Comment from Petriesan
death by hate with no aspirations for love of God ---interesting
Your sleep for eternity only to find fresh victims and strike as the new winds arise - should it be "You sleep"?
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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death by hate with no aspirations for love of God ---interesting
Your sleep for eternity only to find fresh victims and strike as the new winds arise - should it be "You sleep"?
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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yes thanks
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added photo
Comment from Nosha17
Your ideas are good, but the language form is not quite correct, the sentences are not properly constructed. I spotted quite a few errors, I will give a few below. My aim is not to criticise or deflate, but be helpful. Hope you don't mind. Line 1-Ethics (all the other words in this line are nouns, ethical is an adjective)line 5-do us part. line 8 devil's fire. Line 9-basis. line 11 earthly. Interesting read. Faye
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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Your ideas are good, but the language form is not quite correct, the sentences are not properly constructed. I spotted quite a few errors, I will give a few below. My aim is not to criticise or deflate, but be helpful. Hope you don't mind. Line 1-Ethics (all the other words in this line are nouns, ethical is an adjective)line 5-do us part. line 8 devil's fire. Line 9-basis. line 11 earthly. Interesting read. Faye
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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thank you for this
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added photo
Comment from adewpearl
mind so complexes - complex
no aspiration's for love - drop the apostrophe
any reason you have not capitalized God?
drown to sugar - I think you mean drawn to
devil's fire - add the apostrophe for possessive
this bases of life - either this basis or these bases
the down of your life ends - do you mean dawn?
Why is this categorized as a script?
You definitely express yourself with intensity but
I'm not sure what the elusive butterfly stands for, though.i feel as though you are saying something significant but I'm still not sure what your theme/message is.
nice touches of alliteration and assonance
Brooke
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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mind so complexes - complex
no aspiration's for love - drop the apostrophe
any reason you have not capitalized God?
drown to sugar - I think you mean drawn to
devil's fire - add the apostrophe for possessive
this bases of life - either this basis or these bases
the down of your life ends - do you mean dawn?
Why is this categorized as a script?
You definitely express yourself with intensity but
I'm not sure what the elusive butterfly stands for, though.i feel as though you are saying something significant but I'm still not sure what your theme/message is.
nice touches of alliteration and assonance
Brooke
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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thank you for this
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added photo
