Finding Daisy
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Stupid o'clock"Another Ess and Oz comic fantasy
2 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Nice o-clock creativity! Good, well-paced chapter with excellent deep POV, good characterization (and playful lover-banter in spite of her being busy). Good dialog, great narrative. The scene is clearly conveyed and drew me in as if I was there. Bravo. I've not read the book, so cannot comment on plot development except to say that it sounds intriguing.
NOTES and small suggestions:
Instead(,) the prospect of that awful meeting with Daisy's father loomed ahead of her every time she closed her eyes.
*
Wincing at every movement, she slid as slow as continental drift from under the cover and away from the sleeping body that was becoming all too familiar in her bed.
Quite a long sentence. It works okay but might be better if slightly rearranged. Example:
Wincing at every movement, she slid from under the cover--as slow as continental drift--and away from the sleeping body that was becoming all too familiar in her bed.
*
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table, made herself a tea and opened up the browser.
Too much activity in one sentence because it does not all occur in one place She has to get up to make tea and sit back down to open the browser.
I suggest either making this more than one sentence, or altering it to include sitting back down. Example:
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table, got up to make herself a tea, sat back down with steaming cup in hand and opened up the browser.
or
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table and got up to make herself a tea. Steaming cup in hand, she sat back down and opened up the browser.
*They had a swish website, all corporate(-)themed and professional-looking.
*
Next(,) she searched for Allen Whitmarsh.
*furious at the blush that she could feel rising.
Fine line, but a bit wordy. Consider trimming. Examples:
furious at the blush she felt rising.
furious at the blush rising to her cheeks.
furious at feeling a blush rise
*
And then(,) two weeks ago(,) Davenport started to raise his head over the parapet.
* Socially(,) he made the rounds of the aristocracy and blue-chip business leaders.
*Clicking on one link her stomach lurched as Daisy stared back at her, her face full of innocent playfulness.
Her stomach does not click on the link, so the gerund there reads awkwardly. Suggest:
As she clicked one link her stomach lurched when Daisy stared back at her, her face full of innocent playfulness.
Cute: It was now half past stupid o'clock.
Good chapter. Interesting, unique and easy to read with fine pacing. Most of the suggestions are optional, so five stars!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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Nice o-clock creativity! Good, well-paced chapter with excellent deep POV, good characterization (and playful lover-banter in spite of her being busy). Good dialog, great narrative. The scene is clearly conveyed and drew me in as if I was there. Bravo. I've not read the book, so cannot comment on plot development except to say that it sounds intriguing.
NOTES and small suggestions:
Instead(,) the prospect of that awful meeting with Daisy's father loomed ahead of her every time she closed her eyes.
*
Wincing at every movement, she slid as slow as continental drift from under the cover and away from the sleeping body that was becoming all too familiar in her bed.
Quite a long sentence. It works okay but might be better if slightly rearranged. Example:
Wincing at every movement, she slid from under the cover--as slow as continental drift--and away from the sleeping body that was becoming all too familiar in her bed.
*
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table, made herself a tea and opened up the browser.
Too much activity in one sentence because it does not all occur in one place She has to get up to make tea and sit back down to open the browser.
I suggest either making this more than one sentence, or altering it to include sitting back down. Example:
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table, got up to make herself a tea, sat back down with steaming cup in hand and opened up the browser.
or
She set up her laptop on the kitchen table and got up to make herself a tea. Steaming cup in hand, she sat back down and opened up the browser.
*They had a swish website, all corporate(-)themed and professional-looking.
*
Next(,) she searched for Allen Whitmarsh.
*furious at the blush that she could feel rising.
Fine line, but a bit wordy. Consider trimming. Examples:
furious at the blush she felt rising.
furious at the blush rising to her cheeks.
furious at feeling a blush rise
*
And then(,) two weeks ago(,) Davenport started to raise his head over the parapet.
* Socially(,) he made the rounds of the aristocracy and blue-chip business leaders.
*Clicking on one link her stomach lurched as Daisy stared back at her, her face full of innocent playfulness.
Her stomach does not click on the link, so the gerund there reads awkwardly. Suggest:
As she clicked one link her stomach lurched when Daisy stared back at her, her face full of innocent playfulness.
Cute: It was now half past stupid o'clock.
Good chapter. Interesting, unique and easy to read with fine pacing. Most of the suggestions are optional, so five stars!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
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Haha, I knew it was you as soon as I realised I had to scroll to read it. I don't know where you find the time or patience, but I am eternally grateful. Thank you
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Aw, thanks, dear friend. I appreciate your gracious response. I am fairly quick at this--and type fast--and also like to make time to review in depth in the spirit of the golden rule. It helps that I live an alternative lifestyle with very little socializing or family stuff (no marriage, no kids). Living in India, I focus mainly on my service activities and my inner life. There is time for reviewing (in between clients--a list which has been growing--so I spend less and less time on FS, actually). Right now, I am slightly unwell and thus not doing my usual India work. Warm Smiles, rd
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Well, get slightly better then! I always feel both blessed and chastened when you review my work
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Aw, thanks! :) Blessings and Smiles, rd
Comment from Adri7enne
"She heard a movement BEHIND HER. She glanced BEHIND HER, saw Shades..." I might find a way to avoid repeating that.
LOL! Shades is a big pest, even if he is delectable! Fun!
A little lust, a little mystery, and very amusing characters. Very entertaining, snod. I really like this novel. You're delving into Ess's relationship with Shades, which is fun. Don't forget to bring Oz back in though. I miss the old boy with his smart mouth.
Well done, Snod!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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"She heard a movement BEHIND HER. She glanced BEHIND HER, saw Shades..." I might find a way to avoid repeating that.
LOL! Shades is a big pest, even if he is delectable! Fun!
A little lust, a little mystery, and very amusing characters. Very entertaining, snod. I really like this novel. You're delving into Ess's relationship with Shades, which is fun. Don't forget to bring Oz back in though. I miss the old boy with his smart mouth.
Well done, Snod!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the review and spag. Poor Shades, give him a break. he's a hunk dating a feminist. it's not easy for him.
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LOL! Almost sounds like you identify with Shades. Interesting character!
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Haha You know, the number of women that call me a hunk constantly surprises me. I'm surprised the number's 0
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Oh, you don't fool me that that humble act. Just your sense of humour would be attractive. Of course there's also the intimidation factor. With that smart mouth, women would likely be scared to death of having you turn that sharp edge against them. And I've seen pictures on your site. Not half bad, snod. LOL! Are you scared yet? LOL!
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Yes, isn't Photoshop a wonderful thing?
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Ha ha ha! I know why you call that character Shades. Cool, but behind the dark glasses. Keep everything under wraps. That's so English, isn't it? LOL! Ah, you're a good guy, snod. I drink a toast to you. It's cocktail hour here. Have a good evening, my friend.
