KayCee
A cautionary tale...66 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
A green one that would help her pee--lol!
This is a humorous and entertaining 'modern cautionary tale'. Well penned with excellent flow, rhythm and rhyming.
And Amusing Read!
LOL-
"IMHO," he gruffly said,
"Don't hold that thing so near your head.
Invisible and deadly rays
May fill your brain with toxic sprays
And make a mishy-mushy splatter
Of what we used to call grey matter.
*
Her mother (She's the Forsyte part)
small 's' on she, I think.
*
Told KayCee(,) fondly(,) from her heart,
&
Your phone(,) while sitting at the table
And in the bath(,) if you are able.
*
(Though not her parents(,) who've gone grey)
*
Young KayCee shut out every word,(; or . or --)
She thought it silly, quite absurd.
*And then, another teenage trait,(--)
She used her phone for six hours straight
LOL about her merging with the phone.
LOL-
(He'd just arrived from Bangalore
Where evidently doctors swore)(.)
*
She'll be OK, she's in no pain,
OK - okay
* Scansion forced here:
Is piercing her frontal lobe
Suggest:
Is now piercing her frontal lobe
*scansion forced on hijacking, I think (but it might be a matter of diction):
Has started hijacking her data --
(funny line, btw! - IMHO)!
*
In just an instant(,) I am fearing
Funny closing--sad too, of course...
Thanks for a highly original, entertaining read.
As I know you well, and that you will consider all comma-suggestions, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
  |
A green one that would help her pee--lol!
This is a humorous and entertaining 'modern cautionary tale'. Well penned with excellent flow, rhythm and rhyming.
And Amusing Read!
LOL-
"IMHO," he gruffly said,
"Don't hold that thing so near your head.
Invisible and deadly rays
May fill your brain with toxic sprays
And make a mishy-mushy splatter
Of what we used to call grey matter.
*
Her mother (She's the Forsyte part)
small 's' on she, I think.
*
Told KayCee(,) fondly(,) from her heart,
&
Your phone(,) while sitting at the table
And in the bath(,) if you are able.
*
(Though not her parents(,) who've gone grey)
*
Young KayCee shut out every word,(; or . or --)
She thought it silly, quite absurd.
*And then, another teenage trait,(--)
She used her phone for six hours straight
LOL about her merging with the phone.
LOL-
(He'd just arrived from Bangalore
Where evidently doctors swore)(.)
*
She'll be OK, she's in no pain,
OK - okay
* Scansion forced here:
Is piercing her frontal lobe
Suggest:
Is now piercing her frontal lobe
*scansion forced on hijacking, I think (but it might be a matter of diction):
Has started hijacking her data --
(funny line, btw! - IMHO)!
*
In just an instant(,) I am fearing
Funny closing--sad too, of course...
Thanks for a highly original, entertaining read.
As I know you well, and that you will consider all comma-suggestions, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Rama, thanks as always for the detailed review - you may know the poem better than I do! I shall certainly give all those commas a thorough inspection.
I did have a lot of fun with this one.
Steve
-
:-)) Thanks for your fun reply, dear Steve. Warm Smiles, rd
Comment from visionary1234
oh I knew I was saving a six for something Steve! This one's a classic and I feel I should enlarge it and put it on my 17 year old's wall! God, have you NAILED one of my PET PEEVES! love it love it love it - love the unmistakable kiwisteve humor (especially the Indian doc bit - on the NOSE). SUPER SIXER!
:)S
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
 |
oh I knew I was saving a six for something Steve! This one's a classic and I feel I should enlarge it and put it on my 17 year old's wall! God, have you NAILED one of my PET PEEVES! love it love it love it - love the unmistakable kiwisteve humor (especially the Indian doc bit - on the NOSE). SUPER SIXER!
:)S
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Sharyn, thanks for the enthusiastic review and the sixer - yes, I think this strikes a chord with most of us because it's so true.
Haven't had anybody screaming too loudly about Dr ram Patel so my non-PC gibes must have slipped by un-noticed.
Steve
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Steve,
You are unstoppable in your striving to be the funniest writer on this site, or anywhere for that matter. Your rhyme and metre are impeccable and the words gallop along like Pharlap on a good day (he of course was also a Kiwi) I hope your inspiration does not lie in hiding too long. I look forward to much more of this 10 star stuff.
Best regards
Reg
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Dear Steve,
You are unstoppable in your striving to be the funniest writer on this site, or anywhere for that matter. Your rhyme and metre are impeccable and the words gallop along like Pharlap on a good day (he of course was also a Kiwi) I hope your inspiration does not lie in hiding too long. I look forward to much more of this 10 star stuff.
Best regards
Reg
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
-
Reg, thanks for the extravagant praise - I could get used to it.
Of course Phar Lap was a kiwi, but you Aussies have still got his heart!
Unfortunately I am working at the moment so all I feel like doing in the evenings is hitting the sack - roll on proper retirement so I can get important stuff done - like poetry-writing.
Steve
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is a masterpiece of creativity and good poetry form, with great meter and rhyme.
I would try to add one more syllable/beat to "Is piercing her frontal lobe" however. Maybe ...
Is piercing now her frontal lobe.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
|
This is a masterpiece of creativity and good poetry form, with great meter and rhyme.
I would try to add one more syllable/beat to "Is piercing her frontal lobe" however. Maybe ...
Is piercing now her frontal lobe.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Phyllis.
A couple of other reviewers have stumbled on that line. I am alone in pronouncing it here with three syllables Pee-Ur-Sing?
Steve
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Peer-sing, just two syllables
-
I know that'[s what it is in theory - but in practice (my practice anyway
Pee = one syllable
Pier (Pee-er) has already become 2 syllables
So pierce is definitely two, and piercing has to be three.
Would you say flour has one syllable? How about flower? Most dictionaries will say two and yet the words are happily pronounced exactly the same by most people.
I believe I am arguing just for the sake of arguing.... :O)
Steve
-
No, sorry. Look in the dictionary to see two syllables. The letters IE make ONE sound, just ee, as in peer. Check the dictionary for the word pier and it is also one syllable. Trust me... and if not an English teacher, then trust the dictionary. Here is one where it clearly shows two syllables: CLICK HERE.
-
See, now I've got you arguing just for the sake of it. I KNOW what the dictionary says....
BUT
I also know what I say.
If you were to hear me reciting the poem I would stretch that loooooong first syllable out so it sounded like two. The flow would be perfect, there would be no confusion over meaning and nobody would accuse me of mangling the language.
On the other hand, I think it is the Indian doctor newly arrived from Bangalore who says this line anyway, so some mangling would be not only permitted but positively encouraged. I have it on good authority from my muse who looked it up in HER dictionary that in Bangalore 'piercing' is ALWAYS pronounced as three syllables.
Steve
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That does it, you stubborn boy. I'm tearing up your sixth star! LOL
-
Too late, I've already spent it!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Yes, Steve, go for it! Pete is very enthusiastic and so am I. We both love your poem, thought it was brilliant in fact. Have you published any books yet? Because you have two enthusiastic fans who will buy the first one off the printer! Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Yes, Steve, go for it! Pete is very enthusiastic and so am I. We both love your poem, thought it was brilliant in fact. Have you published any books yet? Because you have two enthusiastic fans who will buy the first one off the printer! Giddy
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Giddy. It is my goal for this year to get something published - still have to pluck up the courage to take that first big step - I'll make sure you two get an autographed copy!
Steve
Comment from Irish Rain
This is simply fantastic! Charming, true of society today, extremely funny, well written, and I just loved it! Only one teensy error...in the line...The purple phone oozed through her ear...you have 'phome'....can't praise this enough! Blessings tonight~
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
|
This is simply fantastic! Charming, true of society today, extremely funny, well written, and I just loved it! Only one teensy error...in the line...The purple phone oozed through her ear...you have 'phome'....can't praise this enough! Blessings tonight~
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Jo, thanks for the high praise and the keen eye for the typo.
Steve
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you are always welcome!
