Comment from dennis0530

Excellent

A fair warning to all celphone addicts - you too might get a permanent attachment.

As in this writing, this hapensmore to women that men. This could be a new gender-related addiction, or affliction.

One of these days, somebody might yet will to take a fully-charged one to the grave- in case something urgent turns up.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014

Thanks, Dennis.

I believe there may well be many people already buried with their cellphones...

Stve

Comment from Smoothiecool

Excellent

well this is long and exhausting read with every thing from A - Z in the story LOL

you have covered every angle one could think of

good rhyme all the way through
good alliteration in verses

interesting read

cheers..Smoothiecool

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014

Thanks, SC

Steve

Comment from kiwijenny

Exceptional

This is brilliant....it is funny and kiwified wit ...which is the highest form , you know.... we are way too attached to our phones....Cautionary tales......do one on Google.....on the dependence of man on machine...how kids grab a pencil like a club these days....yikes...put them all in the Urawera's in virgin bush and see what would happen...he he he
God bless

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014

Thanks, Jenny

These things go in cycles you know. Traditional skills like knitting and breadmaking are on their way back - all with their own smartphone app of course!

Steve

reply by kiwijenny on 11-Jun-2014

I homeschooled my kids . Even my son can sew he says he isn't sewing ...more like doing fishing lures on fabric:o)

Comment from Dawn Munro

Excellent

OMG!!! HAhahahahaha! Yes, Steve, this is a superb beginning to such a series! Now it just so happens that I am out of sixes already, or of course!!! this exceptionally funny and wonderfully-crafted poem would have one! Wonderful! :)

*****************EXTRA SPECIAL********************!!!

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Dawn, thanks a lot for the enthusiastic review and the virtual six.
How can you have used all your sixes already - you must be sprinkling them around like confetti!

reply by Dawn Munro on 09-Jun-2014

LOL - nope, I've just been reviewing like mad, and I follow WAY more exceptional writers than I can possibly keep up with...

It's always a pleasure to read your work!

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

This is indeed a cautionary tale for kids of the twenty first century. Hilaire Belloc would be pleased. You've written adarkly humorous narrative of a teenaged girl who is so obsessed with her mobile phone that she is overcome by it and eventually converted to an answering machine. There are lots of funny inclusions about the technology:In KayCee's eyes, a message read,"There's six missed calls. My battery's dead." The verse flows very nicely, and I can see a whole serie shere. Suggestions as you are looking for inspiration:
- the truth of the interenet (I have a son with Conspiracy Theories come out of his pores as he believes what's written there.)
-celebrity cult worship (ref: Kardashians)
-body piercings
-tatoo obsessions
-sexting

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Thanks for the great review, but especially for the suggestions - I was kinda hinting for that but no one else has obliged.

Steve

Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER

Exceptional

WOW!! WOW!! A bravura performance if I ever heard one. It must have taken days to get the I-phone out of your head and into texting..HAH! HAH!. No really, I had to keep going. I usually pass by a long read but the ingenuity of the couplets and the never ending interest kept me glued to the screen.
Excellent.

Regards:

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Thanks, Stephen for the funny review and the six stars.

Steve

reply by STEPHEN A CARTER on 09-Jun-2014

Dear kiwisteveh: My pleasure. Do drop by sometime. Just posted 'Tears in the Garden of Eden'. Thanks.

With Respect: Steve

Comment from judester

Excellent

Cautionary tales has great potential, but don't expect the teenagers to listen. This is a great little poem with a fun warning and clever rhyming. I look forward to more, cheers judester

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

I believe the point is entirely about entertainment - you are right that no teenager will get this message - unless it's sent to them by text of course.

Steve

Comment from w.j.debi

Exceptional

Oh, yes. Please do write a series. This is adorable. It seems there are so many people that have to have that phone out at all times. Real communication is suffering due to it since they are not paying attention to real life.

Love the rhymes and rhythm that just add to the humor and carry the story along.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Thanks for the kind words and the six stars - much appreciated.

Any ideas for a series?

Steve

Comment from chasennov

Excellent

"KayCee" What a wonderful narrative you exposed through this brilliant poem you have created here. I have often wondered, seeing these kids on their phones, whether such a thing was possible. very well done, indeed!

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Thanks for the kind review.

Steve

reply by chasennov on 09-Jun-2014

You are so welcome, Steve.

Comment from Righteous Riter

Excellent

Good use of the aabb rhyme scheme. Good end rhyming. Good perfect rhyming with night/right...day/say...so/go...Jones/tones...read/dead...rode/mode...new/few. Good description and alliteration. Good story telling. Good complimentary photo followed by a humorous message.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve