Bel Air: A Bard's Guide
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Adam's Interview, The Peeping Chief."Sequel to The Bard of Bel Air.
11 total reviews
Comment from chasennov
"Adam's Interview, The Peeping Chief." This is a fine chapter you have created here. The story is well thought out and neatly structured. Well done.
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"Adam's Interview, The Peeping Chief." This is a fine chapter you have created here. The story is well thought out and neatly structured. Well done.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
Comment from seaglass
The plot thickens. I have a feeling, in time we will find Bard is not as crazy as he lets on. Like in the movie "Lawnmower Man" who pretended to be a bum, just to guard his children un noticed.
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The plot thickens. I have a feeling, in time we will find Bard is not as crazy as he lets on. Like in the movie "Lawnmower Man" who pretended to be a bum, just to guard his children un noticed.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I hope you are going to enter one of your books in the Publisher's competition. This was an enjoyable chapter, with so much action and happenings. Your new characters are interesting and the story is developing well. Just a reminder, my Ode to my Country is pretty patriotic and has stirred people to be proud, I hope. Great write. Faye
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I hope you are going to enter one of your books in the Publisher's competition. This was an enjoyable chapter, with so much action and happenings. Your new characters are interesting and the story is developing well. Just a reminder, my Ode to my Country is pretty patriotic and has stirred people to be proud, I hope. Great write. Faye
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
Comment from l.raven
OMG Michael, you have them all Lucy, Ricky, and Fred...Ethel...LMAO...and I love the picture and Brad cracks me up...he's gone mad.not. man...maybe??? throw him in a river...ok...maybe not that bad...LOL...I like this one...had lots of humor...but it has Bard...very well written...these are very interesting...love it...Luff Linda xxoo
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OMG Michael, you have them all Lucy, Ricky, and Fred...Ethel...LMAO...and I love the picture and Brad cracks me up...he's gone mad.not. man...maybe??? throw him in a river...ok...maybe not that bad...LOL...I like this one...had lots of humor...but it has Bard...very well written...these are very interesting...love it...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Well I guess we can rule the chief out as a suspect. Or can we? What if he was infiltrating for Winston the way Lucy did in the last book. Who would really suspect a spineless jellyfish like the chief to be sneaky enough to be a spy?
I liked that the principal instituted a poetry program after hearing the bard. Good chapter, still waiting for solid clues about the kids.
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Well I guess we can rule the chief out as a suspect. Or can we? What if he was infiltrating for Winston the way Lucy did in the last book. Who would really suspect a spineless jellyfish like the chief to be sneaky enough to be a spy?
I liked that the principal instituted a poetry program after hearing the bard. Good chapter, still waiting for solid clues about the kids.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Another solid chapter filled with humor and a deft juggling of storylines. The poem is a wonderful bonus that could easily be submitted in its own right. Love the Lucy reference. NG
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Another solid chapter filled with humor and a deft juggling of storylines. The poem is a wonderful bonus that could easily be submitted in its own right. Love the Lucy reference. NG
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lots of craziness here. Love it. Now the chief wants their help? I'd throw him out on his ear ... or call the cops and have him removed for trespassing. LOL
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Lots of craziness here. Love it. Now the chief wants their help? I'd throw him out on his ear ... or call the cops and have him removed for trespassing. LOL
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Ha--ha! Rickey Ricardo and Fred. I see some new characters. Boy, them author notes must take some time, much appreciated. I caught Fred peeking into little Rickey's bedroom. There are many funny lines. You are a comedian, Sir Mikey. Without doubt, I was entertained. Awe, Philipino's. I loved the phillipines. Went there ten times. "Love you no _hit! was their biggest word. I'm puzzled by the poem. I know the Phillipines look like a jungle. Some mountains too, you got to maneuver around before you land. Nice chapter. You got me in suspense, got to see what happens next,mate. wackydo, do loco.
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Ha--ha! Rickey Ricardo and Fred. I see some new characters. Boy, them author notes must take some time, much appreciated. I caught Fred peeking into little Rickey's bedroom. There are many funny lines. You are a comedian, Sir Mikey. Without doubt, I was entertained. Awe, Philipino's. I loved the phillipines. Went there ten times. "Love you no _hit! was their biggest word. I'm puzzled by the poem. I know the Phillipines look like a jungle. Some mountains too, you got to maneuver around before you land. Nice chapter. You got me in suspense, got to see what happens next,mate. wackydo, do loco.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from rama devi
Excellent pacing. This drew me in and was easy to read. The strongest part of this chapter is the authentic-sounding dialog with good characterization and development. However, the lack of contractions in some parts of the dialog do not sound true to the scene. I noticed a few minor POV-issue-possibilities. Even if this is meant to be in Omniscient POV, the head-jumps are too swift and random. Overall, this is a very good chapter and just needs some tweaking and fine tuning. I also recommend adding in more creative similes, as those always augment the caliber of a work and you have the poetic gift for it...
NOTES:
In the background:
They went to her school and encountered the stodgy principal, Mis Delacroix(,) who reluctantly allowed an interview with him.
*** He was at that age in a male when there is an extra octave in their voices that would soon disappear.
Great opening line and descriptive.
*Tenaya was happy that Adam would be easy to interview now.
POV shift issue here, maybe? (I could not tell whose POV the story is in in this part, but since I've not read from the start, that might not be a problem. This section seemed to me like Adam's POV, maybe.
*the Bard whispered in his ear, "r(R)emember, we
*Adam smiled, "Sure, no problem. Angela is my best friend.
Suggest a contraction: Angela's
*
Lucy spoke up, "Hey, most dudes would have run like a dog. You manned up big time, takin(') on two grown men.
*Every ear, young and old, filed (FILLED) with the words.
* Use the name here, as it is not clear on first read who SHE is:
She addressed Tenaya, "Do you have what you need from young Adam here?
*Angela is (Angela's) a top student with many friends.
*The second seciton seems to start in Abigails POV. So this seems a sudden shift:
Ruby, the head of the manor now, had no problem answering her own door.
*
Abigail entered already inquiring. "Where is *Where's) that fool father of mine?
* POV shift here?--
No one had thought to contact her. Tenaya took the lead.
*
"No. I don't remember him ever missing an opportunity to take care of these kids. Ironic(,) really,
*I guess that is (that's) the way of it though.
*I think we should treat it as two separate crimes and make the connection later(,) if there is one."
*
"Luuuuuucy, Fred is (Fred's) cheating on Ethel.
*POV issue:
Lucy tried to keep from laughing. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Enjoyed this. Hope to find time to review more this month, but not sure I will.
Warmest Wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
 |
Excellent pacing. This drew me in and was easy to read. The strongest part of this chapter is the authentic-sounding dialog with good characterization and development. However, the lack of contractions in some parts of the dialog do not sound true to the scene. I noticed a few minor POV-issue-possibilities. Even if this is meant to be in Omniscient POV, the head-jumps are too swift and random. Overall, this is a very good chapter and just needs some tweaking and fine tuning. I also recommend adding in more creative similes, as those always augment the caliber of a work and you have the poetic gift for it...
NOTES:
In the background:
They went to her school and encountered the stodgy principal, Mis Delacroix(,) who reluctantly allowed an interview with him.
*** He was at that age in a male when there is an extra octave in their voices that would soon disappear.
Great opening line and descriptive.
*Tenaya was happy that Adam would be easy to interview now.
POV shift issue here, maybe? (I could not tell whose POV the story is in in this part, but since I've not read from the start, that might not be a problem. This section seemed to me like Adam's POV, maybe.
*the Bard whispered in his ear, "r(R)emember, we
*Adam smiled, "Sure, no problem. Angela is my best friend.
Suggest a contraction: Angela's
*
Lucy spoke up, "Hey, most dudes would have run like a dog. You manned up big time, takin(') on two grown men.
*Every ear, young and old, filed (FILLED) with the words.
* Use the name here, as it is not clear on first read who SHE is:
She addressed Tenaya, "Do you have what you need from young Adam here?
*Angela is (Angela's) a top student with many friends.
*The second seciton seems to start in Abigails POV. So this seems a sudden shift:
Ruby, the head of the manor now, had no problem answering her own door.
*
Abigail entered already inquiring. "Where is *Where's) that fool father of mine?
* POV shift here?--
No one had thought to contact her. Tenaya took the lead.
*
"No. I don't remember him ever missing an opportunity to take care of these kids. Ironic(,) really,
*I guess that is (that's) the way of it though.
*I think we should treat it as two separate crimes and make the connection later(,) if there is one."
*
"Luuuuuucy, Fred is (Fred's) cheating on Ethel.
*POV issue:
Lucy tried to keep from laughing. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Enjoyed this. Hope to find time to review more this month, but not sure I will.
Warmest Wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
Comment from Sankey
Good chapter mate. I did some ?? corrections not sure if I was right nor not disregard if you don't want to change them.
Good reading quirky as is your usual style.
Here are the spags or suggestions or whatever...
Mis(Ms or Miss) Delacroix
Not sure about this one... takin(g) on two grown men
fil(l?)ed with the words.
He's gone man(d?).
|
Good chapter mate. I did some ?? corrections not sure if I was right nor not disregard if you don't want to change them.
Good reading quirky as is your usual style.
Here are the spags or suggestions or whatever...
Mis(Ms or Miss) Delacroix
Not sure about this one... takin(g) on two grown men
fil(l?)ed with the words.
He's gone man(d?).
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
