For Thee, Bands of Red
It's scratching, now, just outside the elevator door...45 total reviews
Comment from sibhus
Ja, def makes you want to avoid eleavators and morgues. Great descriptions that give a good feel for the setting and your characters. It moves right along making this a great read. A really good entry for the contest and good luck.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Ja, def makes you want to avoid eleavators and morgues. Great descriptions that give a good feel for the setting and your characters. It moves right along making this a great read. A really good entry for the contest and good luck.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thanks, sibhus. I've been known to hang out in booth, purely from a researcher's angle of course, LOL.
Seriously, I do appreciate the encouraging review and well wishes. Thanks you!
Comment from freepass
Yikes, should be a movie!
I like horror films!
Or a bunch of stories made into a movie!
Well anyway did you win contest?
I didn't see any of the entrees, but it was good enough to be there!
5 Stars*****
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Yikes, should be a movie!
I like horror films!
Or a bunch of stories made into a movie!
Well anyway did you win contest?
I didn't see any of the entrees, but it was good enough to be there!
5 Stars*****
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thanks very much, freepass. I too love horror movies. In fact, I absolutely love everything associated with the horror genre.
No, I haven't won the contest. The voting is still ongoing. There are three other very fine entries in this contest as well.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement, and your kind review, my friend!
Comment from royowen
It's not exactly my sort of literature, but this one held me captive from beginning to end! This was such a well written short story from the beginning! This is a very worthy entry in this writing contest! The descriptive narrative had me absorbed all through! I enjoyed this! Well written, good luck, blessings Roy.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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It's not exactly my sort of literature, but this one held me captive from beginning to end! This was such a well written short story from the beginning! This is a very worthy entry in this writing contest! The descriptive narrative had me absorbed all through! I enjoyed this! Well written, good luck, blessings Roy.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much, Roy. I certainly appreciate your ever present support for what it is I do here, my friend. I'm a big fan of your spiritual writings as well, so I'm obviously aware that stories of this nature aren't exactly your preferred cup of tea. So, that being said, I appreciate you taking the time to read it all the more.
Comment from missjosi
Well I really enjoyed this supernatural story, well written I devoured every word. I can tell you are a seasoned writer, excellent work I say Keep it up. All the best Josi
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Well I really enjoyed this supernatural story, well written I devoured every word. I can tell you are a seasoned writer, excellent work I say Keep it up. All the best Josi
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thank you for your encouraging, complimentary review, missjosi. I certainly appreciate it, and I will always strive to do my best.
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It was very well written. It had the quality of Stephen Kings short stories that I have read. Very well done :)
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It was very well written. It had the quality of Stephen Kings short stories that I have read. Very well done :)
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Wow, a Stephen King reference. That man is my idol, what I aspire to. You have made my night -- no-- my week, LOL!
Comment from PearlW
I've never heard of this urban myth, so I can't comment on that, or your take on it. I enjoyed this read - the idea of going into a morgue at midnight is creepy enough, without the idea that someone actually enjoys it.
Unfortunately, I knew about halfway through the story what the outcome would be. I'm all for keeping the mystery alive until the very, very end.
You slip into passive voice quite frequently, and your writing, in places, seem laborious, like you struggled to get your idea across.
For instance: "It was considered by the town council to be of historical significance; therefore it was decided it would remain as long as it did the job it was intended to perform adequately." -- Consider shortening this sentence. It's difficult to read and breaks the flow of the story.
Once there, he exited the elevator, quickly making a fresh pot of coffee. -- Once there, he exited the elevator and quickly made a fresh pot of coffee. -- As it is, it feels like there should be more action.
Finding the supply of ID bands absent from the morgue's supply cabinet, Weissman angrily returned to the elevator to go upstairs to retrieve some from the storeroom. -- Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence ... it trips a reader up for some bizarre reason. What about "Finding the ID bands absent from the morgue's supply cabinet, ..." - using supply here twice is superfluous.
Really a great story. I had a lot of fun reading it. I do like the creepy ones. Good luck in the contest.
BTW - FEAR :)
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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I've never heard of this urban myth, so I can't comment on that, or your take on it. I enjoyed this read - the idea of going into a morgue at midnight is creepy enough, without the idea that someone actually enjoys it.
Unfortunately, I knew about halfway through the story what the outcome would be. I'm all for keeping the mystery alive until the very, very end.
You slip into passive voice quite frequently, and your writing, in places, seem laborious, like you struggled to get your idea across.
For instance: "It was considered by the town council to be of historical significance; therefore it was decided it would remain as long as it did the job it was intended to perform adequately." -- Consider shortening this sentence. It's difficult to read and breaks the flow of the story.
Once there, he exited the elevator, quickly making a fresh pot of coffee. -- Once there, he exited the elevator and quickly made a fresh pot of coffee. -- As it is, it feels like there should be more action.
Finding the supply of ID bands absent from the morgue's supply cabinet, Weissman angrily returned to the elevator to go upstairs to retrieve some from the storeroom. -- Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence ... it trips a reader up for some bizarre reason. What about "Finding the ID bands absent from the morgue's supply cabinet, ..." - using supply here twice is superfluous.
Really a great story. I had a lot of fun reading it. I do like the creepy ones. Good luck in the contest.
BTW - FEAR :)
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Thanks, Pearl, I appreciate the valuable input. I'll try and implement some changes before the contest get underway.
Respectfully,
Me
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Let me know if you do - I'll reread it and adjust your rating. The best of luck!
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I did, I got them done, and just in time, too!
Thanks so much for pushing me to try a bit harder. I think the story reads much better now. Please, let me know what you think as well. I'd appreciate it.
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OH much better! I like the added details, and the mystery is 'there' now ... :) I have goosebumps (even though I knew what was coming). Love the ending.
Excellent work.
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Thanks, Pearl. i sincerely do appreciate your coaching, my friend. :>}
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Any time, though I don't see it as coaching, I see it more as cheering ;-)
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8>D
Comment from CALLAHANMR
This is certainly a horrifying story. Perhaps the dead girl wasn't as dead as had been believed. When the lights went out, Dr. Weissman's imagination may have gone to work, but what if the scene he saw as the lights came on was real...
Great play on Dr. Weissman's whispered comment as he mulled over the bit of information he had about the shooting, "Small world." Perhaps it t really was.
Great contest entry. Good luck!
Roger
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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This is certainly a horrifying story. Perhaps the dead girl wasn't as dead as had been believed. When the lights went out, Dr. Weissman's imagination may have gone to work, but what if the scene he saw as the lights came on was real...
Great play on Dr. Weissman's whispered comment as he mulled over the bit of information he had about the shooting, "Small world." Perhaps it t really was.
Great contest entry. Good luck!
Roger
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thanks a bunch for sharing your thoughts with me on this story, Roger. I'm very grateful, and I wholeheartedly appreciate your well-wishes for the contest.
Thanks again!
Comment from N.K. Wagner
A competently written retelling of the urban legend/campfire horror type. I question why you have made two random sentences bold. They are not of singular importance. There is no reason to call attention to them. An unoriginal plot with a cliche ending. -Nancy
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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A competently written retelling of the urban legend/campfire horror type. I question why you have made two random sentences bold. They are not of singular importance. There is no reason to call attention to them. An unoriginal plot with a cliche ending. -Nancy
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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You are always so...mean spirited, and scathingly sarcastic when you review my work, Nancy. I've always wondered what it was that I have ever done to you to illicit such sarcasm. Whenever I review your work, I always try to be as courteous and polite as I can. I feel you've at least earned that respect. However, you obviously don't see me as someone who deserves or is worthy of respect, for some unknown reason. Que sera, sera...
As for the unoriginality and that "cliche" ending, well, it is based on a retelling of a Filipino myth and urban legend. I felt it would be prudish of me to not keep the story line as closely to the original as I possibly could. I see that you obviously don't think so.
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Since I can't possibly know who you are in a blind contest post, it can't be you...so it must be the work I'm reviewing.
You've retold an urban legend that has an unoriginal plot and a cliche ending. That's a fact. I can't even imagine how you could save it - the moment you mention the medical examiner's son, the ending is obvious. It's a function of the familiar story template.
That the emboldening of those sentences serves no literary purpose is a fact. If the sentences you chose were key to the story, or even interesting, the technique might have some merit (as if they were magazine pull-quotes).
Your rewriting of this urban legend is competent. Also a fact. You simply retold someone else's story in grammatically correct English.
How is the truth "mean" or disrespectful?
You received a professional review of your contest entry. I assumed you wanted truth and apologize for my mistake. - Nancy
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You're right, Nancy, I do want the truth. It isn't so much what you say as how you say it. We can all be truthful yet still be tactful about it. You come across as so superior, like my work is not worthy of your review.
That's all I'm saying.
Respectfully,
Dean
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I knew it had to his son. Crazy kid.. .shoot first and ask questions later. Dead coming to life always makes for a fun story, as long as they don't march around trying to eat your brain. :)
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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I knew it had to his son. Crazy kid.. .shoot first and ask questions later. Dead coming to life always makes for a fun story, as long as they don't march around trying to eat your brain. :)
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Bra-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-i-n-n-n-ssssssssssss...! Did you know that zombies were not associated with eating human brains until director Dan O'Bannon's 1985 campy film, Return of the Living Dead portrayed them as doing so? it's true!
I completely changed the ending of the story just prior to the contest getting underway. I'd gotten a few scathing comments from a couple of reviewers saying that it was too cliche. I hope it's better received now (if anyone would even read the damned thing!) than it was before I changed it.
Thanks for your take on it, Phyllis. Always a pleasure to hear from you!
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Oooo...love the new ending!
Red means dead, doc...red means dead!?
EEEEeeeek! Super creeeepy. :)
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Thanks, Phyllis. I sincerely hope it's better received now, LOL...
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This entry certainly qualifies for "stuck in an elevator". Nicely written - very creepy and effective. Best wishes with this story.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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This entry certainly qualifies for "stuck in an elevator". Nicely written - very creepy and effective. Best wishes with this story.
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, Stephanie. Always a pleasure , my friend...
Comment from Louise Michelle
Ah, another picture book (of sorts) written to lull the adult to sleep, in preparation for some NIGHTMERES!
I was a little confused by the transition to the doctor's son, but spooked just the same. Mission accomplished, you ghoul of a guy, lol. Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Ah, another picture book (of sorts) written to lull the adult to sleep, in preparation for some NIGHTMERES!
I was a little confused by the transition to the doctor's son, but spooked just the same. Mission accomplished, you ghoul of a guy, lol. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Hah ha, hugs right back at ya, Lou! I really appreciate your support, and your encouragung review.
