flimsy grey blankets
tanka17 total reviews
Comment from makita1016
I liked your poem but i didint understand it. I was wondering if you woke up then your blankets were thin and light, then you stumble out of bed since your foot is asleep and you open the shades and see the blinding sunlight. I got that the last verse meant that it was a new day and a new future. YOLO right?
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reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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I liked your poem but i didint understand it. I was wondering if you woke up then your blankets were thin and light, then you stumble out of bed since your foot is asleep and you open the shades and see the blinding sunlight. I got that the last verse meant that it was a new day and a new future. YOLO right?
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Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thanks for reading - sure, some poetry is difficult - not mine usually -, so thanks for your honesty.
Here I intended to describe an early morning walk in mist (the blankets) and then suddenly finding the sunlight - and yes, that was a metaphor for a new start in life.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Nice work, Steve. Good poetic contrast and an ultimately uplifting ending. I like the opening--like a metaphor for foggy morning-mind.
Great pivot which works well in both directions:
I stumble upwards
Love the irony of both stumbling and heading upwards.
(we do learn to walk by falling down, LOL)
This line radiates like an epiphany aha. Nice:
into sudden strong sunlight
Good closing conclusion:
the way ahead now beckons
Since tanka is allowed minimal punctuation, I do recommend using a dash for dramatic pause and to make the sudden enjambement before the last line smoother, as well as to accentuate the uplifting notion as well as the 'commentary' nature of the last line:
into sudden strong sunlight--
the way ahead now beckons
Enjoyed this fine tanka!
Good luck.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Nice work, Steve. Good poetic contrast and an ultimately uplifting ending. I like the opening--like a metaphor for foggy morning-mind.
Great pivot which works well in both directions:
I stumble upwards
Love the irony of both stumbling and heading upwards.
(we do learn to walk by falling down, LOL)
This line radiates like an epiphany aha. Nice:
into sudden strong sunlight
Good closing conclusion:
the way ahead now beckons
Since tanka is allowed minimal punctuation, I do recommend using a dash for dramatic pause and to make the sudden enjambement before the last line smoother, as well as to accentuate the uplifting notion as well as the 'commentary' nature of the last line:
into sudden strong sunlight--
the way ahead now beckons
Enjoyed this fine tanka!
Good luck.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Rama, thanks so much for the knowledgeable review - I am a real beginner at this stuff.
Was the meaning clear enough? - some reviewers had the blankets as literal (I was stuck in bed) and the walk as metaphorical...
Steve
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Thanks for your gracious response, Steve. I thought it was clear... :) Warmly, rd
Comment from yolieday
That was beautiful. The flow and word usage was excellent. All the tanka poetry rules were followed. I rreally enjoyed this piece. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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That was beautiful. The flow and word usage was excellent. All the tanka poetry rules were followed. I rreally enjoyed this piece. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from lakeport
Flimsy grey blankets indeed that's a very nice expressed Tanka poem, Good luck at the contest. I enjoyed reading it, God bless you.Lakeport.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Flimsy grey blankets indeed that's a very nice expressed Tanka poem, Good luck at the contest. I enjoyed reading it, God bless you.Lakeport.
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you!
Steve
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your welcome,lakeport.
Comment from Terrie DeGolier
Okay Sleepy Head, up and Adam. You need to grab that coffee cup, stretch, yawn, enjoy that sunlight for its lighting your way to a beautiful day, better than thunder and rain we have been having. Have a great weekend kiwisteveh. Terrie
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Okay Sleepy Head, up and Adam. You need to grab that coffee cup, stretch, yawn, enjoy that sunlight for its lighting your way to a beautiful day, better than thunder and rain we have been having. Have a great weekend kiwisteveh. Terrie
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you, Terrie!
Haven't seen you around for a while.
Steve
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Hi Steve, Been way over here>>>>> but you didn't see me. smiles and hugs Terrie
Comment from humpwhistle
Hmmm, I'm believing you're speaking about the cobwebs
that linger and plague me at first wakening.
Veils I don't remember from my younger years.
Seems unfair to me. I wake up with a sense of urgency
my body can't cope with.
I've probably got this all wrong, Steve. Right?
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Hmmm, I'm believing you're speaking about the cobwebs
that linger and plague me at first wakening.
Veils I don't remember from my younger years.
Seems unfair to me. I wake up with a sense of urgency
my body can't cope with.
I've probably got this all wrong, Steve. Right?
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Hmmm, I may have got you again, but trust me, you're in good company! I just tell myself that if people don't understand me I must be turning into a 'real' poet.
I do know what you mean about the cobwebs - at our place, my wife who is 9 inches shorter than me seems to duck under them and I cop them smack across the face - but I was actually talking about mist and I was out walking early in the morning...
Thanks for the cobwebs - there must be a poem in that!
Steve
Comment from krys123
Steve, boy took this in one beautiful way as though this is a homeless person with a flimsy blanket walking into the sudden strong sunlight in the way ahead now beckons him. If so if that was your context than this is so beautifully written.
Good luck and a tanka contest because of this contender you have assured on good chance of winning. Thank you for sharing and posting this for everyone to read and make the Lord be with you always.
Alex
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reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Steve, boy took this in one beautiful way as though this is a homeless person with a flimsy blanket walking into the sudden strong sunlight in the way ahead now beckons him. If so if that was your context than this is so beautifully written.
Good luck and a tanka contest because of this contender you have assured on good chance of winning. Thank you for sharing and posting this for everyone to read and make the Lord be with you always.
Alex
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Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Alex, thanks as always for the enthusiastic review.
Steve
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You are so sincerely welcome Steve
