Scarlet's Music in the Night
Scarlet journeys west, alone and friendless in the dark...16 total reviews
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I loved this because when I read this I could put myself in the story and that is what a story is all about for me. You did a great job and I wouldn't change a thing. I hope you do a follow up to this
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
  |
I loved this because when I read this I could put myself in the story and that is what a story is all about for me. You did a great job and I wouldn't change a thing. I hope you do a follow up to this
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
Thank you for your glowing review. I will be following it up - this is a segment of a memoir (Scarlet.) Have a great day!
Comment from Kingsland
You really have some very colorful lines through out this entire piece of writing. It has good imagery in it as well as a story being told well. You did leave this as an unfinished story. I could easily see this added unto. This was an excellent piece of story telling that was very colorful in its thoughts and phrases... John
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
|
You really have some very colorful lines through out this entire piece of writing. It has good imagery in it as well as a story being told well. You did leave this as an unfinished story. I could easily see this added unto. This was an excellent piece of story telling that was very colorful in its thoughts and phrases... John
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
Thanks, John. Yes, it is part of a compilation - memoirs that will be a book. ;) Some of my other works are actually non-fiction that will be restructured and put into the book, as well. Thanks, again, for reading and commenting. -Scarlet (Healfromwithin)
Comment from dalewarren59
very well written piece, excellent word pictures, I really enjoyed your detailed descriptions of sights and sounds that brought the scene to life.
The sentence: ".. the with a rush, the rude awakening" is awkward, and I feel needs revision.
The transition in and out of the memory sequence seems a little rough. Maybe have her be asleep, dreaming about the events with her father, then have the backpack falling to awaken her from the dream? (just my personal opinion)
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
 |
very well written piece, excellent word pictures, I really enjoyed your detailed descriptions of sights and sounds that brought the scene to life.
The sentence: ".. the with a rush, the rude awakening" is awkward, and I feel needs revision.
The transition in and out of the memory sequence seems a little rough. Maybe have her be asleep, dreaming about the events with her father, then have the backpack falling to awaken her from the dream? (just my personal opinion)
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
Is you low rating due to one sentence and one memory? (it all takes place on the bus; she has one memory with her father.)
-
just my personal opinion. but I just felt the transition needed some revision, and the rating was based on that fact that I believed the transition is such a key component to the whole piece.
Comment from Jackarrie
I enjoyed reading your story, I felt that it ended just when It was getting to the part where we find out if her Mother welcomes her. This could be part one of a longer story.
You described the music on the bus really beautiful.
Well done. Mary
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
|
I enjoyed reading your story, I felt that it ended just when It was getting to the part where we find out if her Mother welcomes her. This could be part one of a longer story.
You described the music on the bus really beautiful.
Well done. Mary
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
Thank you for your review and comments.
"Part of Scarlet's Memoirs; a non-fiction work. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and hide the guilty. This is a segment that will be added to a larger work."
It is part of a book. This piece is a non-fiction entry with a required minimum/maximum word count.
-
Ok I understand, It sounds like it will be a great read. Mary
Comment from humpwhistle
Actually, this reads like a segment of a longer piece.
It doesn't feel whole to me. The pace seems better suited to a longer piece as well.
I like the description of the backpack pillow falling, but it seems like too much irrelevant detail for a piece of this length. Just my thoughts.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
|
Actually, this reads like a segment of a longer piece.
It doesn't feel whole to me. The pace seems better suited to a longer piece as well.
I like the description of the backpack pillow falling, but it seems like too much irrelevant detail for a piece of this length. Just my thoughts.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
Thank you for your review and comments.
"Part of Scarlet's Memoirs; a non-fiction work. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and hide the guilty. This is a segment that will be added to a larger work."
It is part of a book. This piece is a non-fiction entry with a required minimum/maximum word count.
-
Yes, I read your notes. My comments were meant to convey that I didn't think the excepting was very successful. Lee
Comment from Jay Squires
I knew there was a reason I fanned you! Your story verges on a prose-poem in the first paragraph, when you describe the bus as a dog in a sort of race (Yes, I get "Greyhound" but, I didn't immediately, and that's what you intended. Then slowly, beginning with the second paragraph do you introduce the protagonist, Scarlet, but more objectively, and let the reader know it is a bus that she's on. Good job of controlling your medium.
A few things:
the dog seems to cock his head [a brief lapse into the present tense.]
he was Satin incarnate. [Satan?]
A slut; just like her mother, Rudy thought acidly,[Are you sure you want to suddenly have the omniscient point of view? personally, I feel it weakens the protagonist's narrative and would be a more powerful statement to have him just turn and leave the room, allowing the reader to draw the same conclusion that his thoughts elicited. Just a thought...]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
|
I knew there was a reason I fanned you! Your story verges on a prose-poem in the first paragraph, when you describe the bus as a dog in a sort of race (Yes, I get "Greyhound" but, I didn't immediately, and that's what you intended. Then slowly, beginning with the second paragraph do you introduce the protagonist, Scarlet, but more objectively, and let the reader know it is a bus that she's on. Good job of controlling your medium.
A few things:
the dog seems to cock his head [a brief lapse into the present tense.]
he was Satin incarnate. [Satan?]
A slut; just like her mother, Rudy thought acidly,[Are you sure you want to suddenly have the omniscient point of view? personally, I feel it weakens the protagonist's narrative and would be a more powerful statement to have him just turn and leave the room, allowing the reader to draw the same conclusion that his thoughts elicited. Just a thought...]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
-
A great review, and very helpful. I just posted it, so will take a look at your points! Thanks!
-
By the way, I thought we'd have the new fresh batch of "Thumbs Up" awards, but here it is the fist of May and I still have 0, nada, zilch. I haven't forgotten your last review of my novel and want to reward you for it!
-
Thanks! I've gone through and agreed with everything that you mentioned. I added the "slut" thoughts at the last minute, and I took it out and the piece is stronger.. I'm so glad you caught satin vs Satan! Whew!
