Haibun: The art of back and forth.
Entering yesterday through today's swinging door.23 total reviews
Comment from amada
Lovely to read your Honorable Mention in the Love Poem Contest. It seems this was written with your breathing heart. Tender, soft. Congratulations.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Lovely to read your Honorable Mention in the Love Poem Contest. It seems this was written with your breathing heart. Tender, soft. Congratulations.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Thanks. Did not even realize it got honorable mention.
Comment from sailaway7289
Wow - I think that about covers it but Fanstory thinks I need to write more. Lovely poem - the picture adds to it but wasn't necessary for me to see the whole scene in my mind. Good job and good luck!
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Wow - I think that about covers it but Fanstory thinks I need to write more. Lovely poem - the picture adds to it but wasn't necessary for me to see the whole scene in my mind. Good job and good luck!
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Wow...where have you been? thanks for the great review and the bonus six.
Comment from Writingfundimension
This more than qualifies as a love poem, Dallas! What a beautiful haibun -- so nice to have one from you.
'...snapped like a kidnap victim...'
'...summer waltz with no lyrics...'
Fresh and creative descriptions.
And your final haiku is most touching.
Good luck with this super entry!
Bev
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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This more than qualifies as a love poem, Dallas! What a beautiful haibun -- so nice to have one from you.
'...snapped like a kidnap victim...'
'...summer waltz with no lyrics...'
Fresh and creative descriptions.
And your final haiku is most touching.
Good luck with this super entry!
Bev
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks, Bev. My favorite form.
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And it shows :0)
Comment from Joan E.
I relished your creative interpretation of the prompt with this haibun. Your "kidnap victim" simile and "anesthetic" are quite effective and the alliteration of "b's" in the poem and "s's" in the staccato prose add to the intensity of the memories. The dramatic artwork is a sublime complement to your words. Best wishes in the contest and happy weekend- Joan
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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I relished your creative interpretation of the prompt with this haibun. Your "kidnap victim" simile and "anesthetic" are quite effective and the alliteration of "b's" in the poem and "s's" in the staccato prose add to the intensity of the memories. The dramatic artwork is a sublime complement to your words. Best wishes in the contest and happy weekend- Joan
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks, Joan, same to you.
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer ties in both writing styles to create a clear message. Good alliteration with buzzing/busy/bastards. Out of the three Haiku's, the third one is the most powerful to me. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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The writer ties in both writing styles to create a clear message. Good alliteration with buzzing/busy/bastards. Out of the three Haiku's, the third one is the most powerful to me. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thank you for the detailed review, pointing out what you liked best.
Comment from juliaSjames
Lovely haibun, Dallas. Love the authentic voice of the character and the clever use of stream of consciousness to provoke memories.
Seems like I know that swing from one of your writes. Wonderful symbolism this time around.
Since it's a contest entry you might like to look at a few small points:
"kidnapped victim" - I think it should be "kidnap victim" but I could be wrong.
"if he burrowed neath the covers" - I would have written "burrowed under" as it sounds more in keeping with the character's POV.
And, to my ear, the unspoken monologue would sound more natural if you used a few more contractions in the write. For example, "The air's hot and sultry ..."
Did you mean to place the title in the body of the work? Might confuse some readers.
But overall, this haibun is excellent. A worthy entry to the contest.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Lovely haibun, Dallas. Love the authentic voice of the character and the clever use of stream of consciousness to provoke memories.
Seems like I know that swing from one of your writes. Wonderful symbolism this time around.
Since it's a contest entry you might like to look at a few small points:
"kidnapped victim" - I think it should be "kidnap victim" but I could be wrong.
"if he burrowed neath the covers" - I would have written "burrowed under" as it sounds more in keeping with the character's POV.
And, to my ear, the unspoken monologue would sound more natural if you used a few more contractions in the write. For example, "The air's hot and sultry ..."
Did you mean to place the title in the body of the work? Might confuse some readers.
But overall, this haibun is excellent. A worthy entry to the contest.
Good luck.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thanks, Julia. yes a porch swing was the focus of another haibun. Took a couple of your suggestions. Retaining neath because she is a country woman and,here, she slips into that simplicity.
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I didn't know "neath" was a regional expression. It's lovely!
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:.) Have a great weekend.
Comment from Dawn Munro
I am really sorry I read this masterful haibun right now, my friend - 'why', you might ask, and I would answer 'because I can't rate it as it deserves; I have no sixes left this week.'
This has everything it needs, nothing it doesn't - it's a masterpiece, in my opinion...
OUTSTANDING!!! ***************************!
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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I am really sorry I read this masterful haibun right now, my friend - 'why', you might ask, and I would answer 'because I can't rate it as it deserves; I have no sixes left this week.'
This has everything it needs, nothing it doesn't - it's a masterpiece, in my opinion...
OUTSTANDING!!! ***************************!
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thanks so much, Dawn. Appreciate it. It is my favorite form.
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I love it too! And you sure do make it shine!!!
Comment from Nosha17
Interesting reflections on the memories of a lost love. I am not too acquainted with a haibun, but it was effective, as if the swing was jogging your memory. Good use of language to convey your thoughts. Enjoyable read and good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Interesting reflections on the memories of a lost love. I am not too acquainted with a haibun, but it was effective, as if the swing was jogging your memory. Good use of language to convey your thoughts. Enjoyable read and good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from ruzu27
A very nice Haibun, Dallas. I can sense the atmosphere perfectly well. It is not just the prose and the haiku, it is also the artwork and the colors which help creating the mood of the Haibun. Very well done.
Good luck for the conest.
:) Ruth
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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A very nice Haibun, Dallas. I can sense the atmosphere perfectly well. It is not just the prose and the haiku, it is also the artwork and the colors which help creating the mood of the Haibun. Very well done.
Good luck for the conest.
:) Ruth
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thanks, I searched along time for that art work. was really happy to discover it. I agree, it is the whole package.
How have you been?
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Thanks for aking, Dallas, not too well. Had a nasty fall last October and broke a vertebrae. Besides being most painful, it takes ages until your belly and back muscles are more or less back again. I am still working at it after 6 months!
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Good luck in a progressive recovery.
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Thank you!
Comment from NicciFaye
Very powerful and truly a winner in my eyes. This speaks volumes. I was engaged and embraced this place of love you've took me to. I felt and enjoyed it and bits of sorrow would spring up, but it was overpowered by the joy of happiness not said but felt in the memory of Jeb...wonderful. A six I don't have to give.
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Very powerful and truly a winner in my eyes. This speaks volumes. I was engaged and embraced this place of love you've took me to. I felt and enjoyed it and bits of sorrow would spring up, but it was overpowered by the joy of happiness not said but felt in the memory of Jeb...wonderful. A six I don't have to give.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Thank you for the great review. Appreciate the virtual six.
