While You're Away
aabb rhyme34 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
This is an emotional piece. Good aabb rhyme scheme. The picture helps set the mood for this message. So sad to be missing that special someone that we loved so much. As a military wife my husband was away a lot. It was always difficult to see him leave and try to manage the house and kids on my own. I always loved the days when I knew his return was nearing.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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This is an emotional piece. Good aabb rhyme scheme. The picture helps set the mood for this message. So sad to be missing that special someone that we loved so much. As a military wife my husband was away a lot. It was always difficult to see him leave and try to manage the house and kids on my own. I always loved the days when I knew his return was nearing.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you Joy for your lovely review. I'm glad you could relate. Nancy
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good use of the aabb rhyme scheme. Good end rhyming. Good alliteration with where/word/whispered...sun/sweet...da/done...yearn/your. Good rhythm and flow. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Good use of the aabb rhyme scheme. Good end rhyming. Good alliteration with where/word/whispered...sun/sweet...da/done...yearn/your. Good rhythm and flow. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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thank you for your thoughtful review. Nancy
Comment from Jackarrie
A very beautiful poem here in aabb style, about the longing for the loved one, in everything experienced.
I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness
Well done I love it. Mary
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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A very beautiful poem here in aabb style, about the longing for the loved one, in everything experienced.
I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness
Well done I love it. Mary
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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So glad you liked it. thank you for your thoughtful review. Nancy
Comment from Alan K Pease
Absolutely a beautiful and deserving poem conveying the warmest message about your love for another. I only wish I had another six. Sorry to let you down.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Absolutely a beautiful and deserving poem conveying the warmest message about your love for another. I only wish I had another six. Sorry to let you down.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much alan, for the mention of a six. I'm glad you felt it worthy. Nancy
Comment from kiwijenny
I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness
This is so wonderful
God bless
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness
This is so wonderful
God bless
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you Jenny. Glad you enjoyed it. Nancy
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem sends the need for reunion out to the reader in a powerful way. Being apart is hard to endure sometimes. I don't see twelve syllabled lines very often and they well in this sonnet-esque structure.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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This poem sends the need for reunion out to the reader in a powerful way. Being apart is hard to endure sometimes. I don't see twelve syllabled lines very often and they well in this sonnet-esque structure.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it. Nancy
Comment from Aussie
Wonderful illustration to compliment your lovely poem; AABB rhyming worked very well - lots of emotions throughout your poem - I could feel the constant pull of love not present but needing to be together. I wish you had put this in a contest (still could if you rearranged it for the Quatrain Contest) because it is such a good poem. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Wonderful illustration to compliment your lovely poem; AABB rhyming worked very well - lots of emotions throughout your poem - I could feel the constant pull of love not present but needing to be together. I wish you had put this in a contest (still could if you rearranged it for the Quatrain Contest) because it is such a good poem. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much Kay for the six and for your wonderful review. I had written it for the Love Poem contest, not realizing I had already entered one. Duh! I always appreciate your encouragement. Thanks so much. Nancy
Comment from royowen
An ode to a sailor love or at least someone who sails the sea, I think! This poem has a nice smooth flow to the narrative, is articulately expressive! The aabbcc rhythm is sound and the meter is Nic and even! Blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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An ode to a sailor love or at least someone who sails the sea, I think! This poem has a nice smooth flow to the narrative, is articulately expressive! The aabbcc rhythm is sound and the meter is Nic and even! Blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you Roy, for this great review. So glad you enjoyed it. Nancy
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lovely poem. I know the feeling. My hubby travels all around the world in his work, and when he's away, I just want to hug him so much. He'll be in China for two weeks in June... that is the WORST! Too far away!
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Lovely poem. I know the feeling. My hubby travels all around the world in his work, and when he's away, I just want to hug him so much. He'll be in China for two weeks in June... that is the WORST! Too far away!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Wow, that is a long way. Glad you could relate to the poem, Phyllis. Thanks for reading. Nancy
Comment from The Death
Hi, Nancy.
This is a lovely romance poem with solid use of imagery in it...certainly with a classical touch.
Very impressive opening:
I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness(--)
This is elegantly simple, but deep in emotions. I like the images being portrayed here. Excellent rhyming and near-flawless meter, except in the last line where 'bring' has a forced accent. It sounds odd on being read aloud.
Optional suggestion is to use 'yield' for sharper scansion.
Also, put a dash in the last line so as to have smoother enjambment and linkage with the next verse.
Nice shift in the tone in the third line here--almost like a 'Volta':
for they are but the light, that shines from your kind eyes.
You're with me every night when e're the ocean sighs.
But soon you must return, for dreams cannot replace
your love for which I yearn, your tender, warm embrace.
These lines are just beautiful. Nothing can be compared to a lover's compassion. Excellent use of R consonance, assonance of I and all those internally resounding rhymes. It sounds super when read aloud. It seems as if you first framed these as shorter abab quatrains.
Well-voiced closing and so apt:
I can no longer hide the loneliness I feel.
I need you by my side, a love that's warm and real.
Nice use of L consonance and alliteration.
Consistent rhythm and almost fine meter enhance the fluidity of your words. Superb rhyming and beautiful presentation as well.
Nicely done!
Warm regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Hi, Nancy.
This is a lovely romance poem with solid use of imagery in it...certainly with a classical touch.
Very impressive opening:
I dream while you're away, I hear you on the breeze
where every word you say is whispered in the trees.
Beneath the warming sun, I feel your sweet caress
and when the day is done, stars bring me happiness(--)
This is elegantly simple, but deep in emotions. I like the images being portrayed here. Excellent rhyming and near-flawless meter, except in the last line where 'bring' has a forced accent. It sounds odd on being read aloud.
Optional suggestion is to use 'yield' for sharper scansion.
Also, put a dash in the last line so as to have smoother enjambment and linkage with the next verse.
Nice shift in the tone in the third line here--almost like a 'Volta':
for they are but the light, that shines from your kind eyes.
You're with me every night when e're the ocean sighs.
But soon you must return, for dreams cannot replace
your love for which I yearn, your tender, warm embrace.
These lines are just beautiful. Nothing can be compared to a lover's compassion. Excellent use of R consonance, assonance of I and all those internally resounding rhymes. It sounds super when read aloud. It seems as if you first framed these as shorter abab quatrains.
Well-voiced closing and so apt:
I can no longer hide the loneliness I feel.
I need you by my side, a love that's warm and real.
Nice use of L consonance and alliteration.
Consistent rhythm and almost fine meter enhance the fluidity of your words. Superb rhyming and beautiful presentation as well.
Nicely done!
Warm regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for reading and for your very thoughtful review and suggestions. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Nancy
