Mooning Venus, pt 2
A love story in phases.21 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
Fine dialogue highlighting your characters. My but L.L. is clueless as to how Selene sees him. He's definitely 'moonstruck.'
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Fine dialogue highlighting your characters. My but L.L. is clueless as to how Selene sees him. He's definitely 'moonstruck.'
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you, Ellen. Sorry this is so late. I tend to get backed up. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from vickib
I don't know that snippet to start with was pretty entertaining. Had to look up obeah, yeah he's clammy. Not as rowdy as part 1, but I like the mechanics and alignment stage very much. Love the dreamy him and her not realizing it yet. And I LOVE that the earth righted itself once again. Her last name is Moon and she thinks she's named after a sturdy car and has a used Brillo pad voice. Truck farmers? You are making me laugh how you keep adding layers on these two. Like the watch. Lots of fun Lee can't wait for part 3.
XOV
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I don't know that snippet to start with was pretty entertaining. Had to look up obeah, yeah he's clammy. Not as rowdy as part 1, but I like the mechanics and alignment stage very much. Love the dreamy him and her not realizing it yet. And I LOVE that the earth righted itself once again. Her last name is Moon and she thinks she's named after a sturdy car and has a used Brillo pad voice. Truck farmers? You are making me laugh how you keep adding layers on these two. Like the watch. Lots of fun Lee can't wait for part 3.
XOV
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thank you, Vicki. I'm glad you enjoyed all the way through.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Narvik
Well, a lot of us have been waiting for this, Lee, and I'd say it was worth waiting for. Maybe you should expand Lunar Louis up there with Bumpus and Four Bits.
Very visual characters. I was with them all the way.
Numerous fresh metaphors--my personal favorite is the "kaleidoscope" one.
folk lore (I've always seen this as one word)
until they both (Don't really need 'both')
Well, here's the six I didn't have for the first part.
~ Erik
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Well, a lot of us have been waiting for this, Lee, and I'd say it was worth waiting for. Maybe you should expand Lunar Louis up there with Bumpus and Four Bits.
Very visual characters. I was with them all the way.
Numerous fresh metaphors--my personal favorite is the "kaleidoscope" one.
folk lore (I've always seen this as one word)
until they both (Don't really need 'both')
Well, here's the six I didn't have for the first part.
~ Erik
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thank you, Erik. Sorry I'm so late with this reply. Sometimes I get backed up. I keep trying out new Four-Bits ideas, but nothing has clicked recently. Got to go with the hot hand.
Thanks again for the comments, and the galaxy. Peace, Lee
Comment from Jawa78
Hi humpwhistle,
Far out man! A clever drawing of threads together. It makes for a good story and builds anticipation for act 3. An impossible gulf seems to lie between them - a challenge for you to get them together in act 3.
Q. Should 'no fair changing the rules' be 'not fair?
jawa78
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Hi humpwhistle,
Far out man! A clever drawing of threads together. It makes for a good story and builds anticipation for act 3. An impossible gulf seems to lie between them - a challenge for you to get them together in act 3.
Q. Should 'no fair changing the rules' be 'not fair?
jawa78
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
Comment from Adri7enne
I loved your synopsis, Lee. LOL!
"... and longed FOR a closer view..." Insert FOR??
"If this were a well-written play, ladies and gentlemen...." I think of this as author intrusion where the bubble of illusion created by the story is pierced. I don't like when that happens.
You're really going with your style, Lee. If you're charming enough about it, people will just follow your narrative voice, uh? Well done, Lee.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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I loved your synopsis, Lee. LOL!
"... and longed FOR a closer view..." Insert FOR??
"If this were a well-written play, ladies and gentlemen...." I think of this as author intrusion where the bubble of illusion created by the story is pierced. I don't like when that happens.
You're really going with your style, Lee. If you're charming enough about it, people will just follow your narrative voice, uh? Well done, Lee.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Adri7enne. The last line of your review leaves me with a questions. Can I prevail upon you to clarify?
As for the author intrusion, it's a valid technique, much like breaking through the forth wall on the stage or in film. Not to your taste, but still legal. I introduced the technique in part 1, so I'm committed to it's (spare) use throughout. But your objection is noted for the record.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. And I really do want to know what the last line means.
Peace, Lee
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The last line simply means that if your narrative voice is charming and fun, it's easier to accept it intruding on the story and the author coming out of the character POV. It seems to work well for you. You like to flex your "unique" style now and again.
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Ah, thank you for the clarification. And you're right, I do try to connect with the reader in a more direct way sometimes.
Again, thanks. Peace, Lee
Comment from Ric Myworld
You set the stage well, as always, for the continuing part three. I just hope Selene doesn't grab L.L. by his kahunas swinging him 'round and 'round and throwing him toward the moon before you get back with the next chapter. Great job. :-)
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You set the stage well, as always, for the continuing part three. I just hope Selene doesn't grab L.L. by his kahunas swinging him 'round and 'round and throwing him toward the moon before you get back with the next chapter. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
We have an act 3?? Brilliant. I love this chapter, bless him, L.L. loves Selene and she can't see it, typical! Normally the other way round, though. Now, I had to chuckle at her name, not only have you given her the name of a goddess, you have given her the surname 'Moon' LOL! You use the term 'moon' for...ahem...(discrete cough) lots of things. Right, bring on the next act, I think we are all ready for it now. :) xsx Sandra
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We have an act 3?? Brilliant. I love this chapter, bless him, L.L. loves Selene and she can't see it, typical! Normally the other way round, though. Now, I had to chuckle at her name, not only have you given her the name of a goddess, you have given her the surname 'Moon' LOL! You use the term 'moon' for...ahem...(discrete cough) lots of things. Right, bring on the next act, I think we are all ready for it now. :) xsx Sandra
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
It's even better than the descriptive first act. You draw two people together, and with such imagination and social emphasis that they become real. Mechanics, huh? Kenny
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It's even better than the descriptive first act. You draw two people together, and with such imagination and social emphasis that they become real. Mechanics, huh? Kenny
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
Comment from c_lucas
A very good lesson on how not to make a move on a chick. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
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A very good lesson on how not to make a move on a chick. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good introduction that sets the tone and the atmosphere of the character. Good transitioning between events. Clear dialogue between the characters. Nice and steady pace leading to a fitting conclusion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Good introduction that sets the tone and the atmosphere of the character. Good transitioning between events. Clear dialogue between the characters. Nice and steady pace leading to a fitting conclusion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
