Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Abandoned"A collection of poems on these themes
109 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Very nicely done - - -on both the surface (descriptive) level and the undercurrent (emotional) level. You have done an excellent job of relaying the metaphor of a homestead crumbling to ruin for the destruction of a once grand love.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
  |
Very nicely done - - -on both the surface (descriptive) level and the undercurrent (emotional) level. You have done an excellent job of relaying the metaphor of a homestead crumbling to ruin for the destruction of a once grand love.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thank you!
Steve
Comment from johnny9969
Excellent work! It feels like there is much more to be told and this was just a tease...definitely left me wanting more. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
 |
Excellent work! It feels like there is much more to be told and this was just a tease...definitely left me wanting more. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thanks, Johnny.
Yes, I am sure there is enough story there for a whole novel - we just have to use our imagination.
Steve
Comment from HL Pepper
What a magnificent piece. Very nicely done. This displays such a polish and use of vocabulary to paint the words and image as one. The drawing is excellent and lends to the feeling of the words. Also, FYI I do know where you're from even though I used the wrong country before, sorry about that mistake.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
What a magnificent piece. Very nicely done. This displays such a polish and use of vocabulary to paint the words and image as one. The drawing is excellent and lends to the feeling of the words. Also, FYI I do know where you're from even though I used the wrong country before, sorry about that mistake.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Pepper, thanks for the kind words and the thoughtful review.
I can't remember the previous reference so it can't have offended me! :o)
Have a good long weekend.
Steve
-
Oh good, I was teasing you and then hit the send button and worried that you might write me off instead of just writing. Sometimes my sense of humor isn't as funny to others!
I do so enjoy your work. Thanks!
Comment from Alan K Pease
Lovely poetry full of metaphor almost transforming the environment of an deserted cottage into the living home it originally was. Fine abab rhyme and message. The charcoal drawing is terrific lifting the story into a poetic reality.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
Lovely poetry full of metaphor almost transforming the environment of an deserted cottage into the living home it originally was. Fine abab rhyme and message. The charcoal drawing is terrific lifting the story into a poetic reality.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Alan, thanks so much for the great review and the six shiny stars - much appreciated.
Steve
Comment from Just Pete
This is one of the best poems I've read on this iste. The rhyme and rhythm is perfest, as is its imagery. The sketch too is a perfect match. I enjoyed reading this very much, thank you. Peter
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
This is one of the best poems I've read on this iste. The rhyme and rhythm is perfest, as is its imagery. The sketch too is a perfect match. I enjoyed reading this very much, thank you. Peter
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Peter, thanks for the high praise and the galaxy of stars.
Steve
Comment from juliaSjames
A superb entry, Steve.
The trochaic meter fits well with the usage of reversed syntax and with the hypnotic abab rhyme.
Easy to picture both the ruined cottage and the lover's broken heart.
The theme is well-worn (which romantic theme isn't?) but the vigor of your words brings the poem to life.
I found the final stanza a tad flat in comparison with the previous verses. Somewhat predictable.
How about reversing the adjectives in the first two lines?
Haunting words that vowed forever
Tender lies that taunt and burn
Just a thought.
Best wishes in the contest. I think that trochee meter is the magic touch that will give your poem the edge.
Magnificent presentation as well.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
A superb entry, Steve.
The trochaic meter fits well with the usage of reversed syntax and with the hypnotic abab rhyme.
Easy to picture both the ruined cottage and the lover's broken heart.
The theme is well-worn (which romantic theme isn't?) but the vigor of your words brings the poem to life.
I found the final stanza a tad flat in comparison with the previous verses. Somewhat predictable.
How about reversing the adjectives in the first two lines?
Haunting words that vowed forever
Tender lies that taunt and burn
Just a thought.
Best wishes in the contest. I think that trochee meter is the magic touch that will give your poem the edge.
Magnificent presentation as well.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Julia, I hope you know you are on my list of reviewers whose words I pay attention to. You always show clear understanding, not just of the content, but also the intention and techniques used in my work.
I have had a look at that last stanza, but haven't made up my mind yet...
I know this is good, but I've given up trying to predict the judges' verdicts - let's wait and see. I'm still gob-smacked at earning a second place behind you in the naani competition - I only entered for fun.
And yes, the trochaic gives an interesting effect, adding a lot of emphasis to that first syllable - I will definitely use it again.
Steve
-
Appreciate your kind words, Steve. Wishing you good luck once again.
peace and blessings, julia
Comment from sibhus
Such haunting words that paint such beautiful pictures. You sense this place, and feel the wind and the sadness through you well chosen words. A wonderful poem.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
Such haunting words that paint such beautiful pictures. You sense this place, and feel the wind and the sadness through you well chosen words. A wonderful poem.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thank you!
Steve
Comment from JavaJunkie
This is excellent. So beautifully written and crafted! I love the line seagulls crying weeps the wind. Alliteration, enjambment, and strong illustrative writing.
I love the story you have weaved in the lines and the ending is good and strong and resonates in this readers mind.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
This is excellent. So beautifully written and crafted! I love the line seagulls crying weeps the wind. Alliteration, enjambment, and strong illustrative writing.
I love the story you have weaved in the lines and the ending is good and strong and resonates in this readers mind.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
JJ, thanks so much for the positive review and the six stars - I appreciate it.
And welcome to FanStory - I look forward to reading your work.
Steve
Comment from ELumpkins
A wonderful entry. It is well written and the flow and rhyme is perfect. I like the drawing that the Author chose to present this gem. I enjoyed reading the piece and wish the Author luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
A wonderful entry. It is well written and the flow and rhyme is perfect. I like the drawing that the Author chose to present this gem. I enjoyed reading the piece and wish the Author luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for the generous review and the galaxy of stars.
Steve
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is such a sad but beautiful poem, Kiwisteveh, the rhyme is perfect and the rhythm superb. This is an excellent contest entry, a lovely ABAB entry. Good luck! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
That is such a sad but beautiful poem, Kiwisteveh, the rhyme is perfect and the rhythm superb. This is an excellent contest entry, a lovely ABAB entry. Good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Sandra, thanks for the kind words and generous review.
Steve
