The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Bel Air Funeral"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
22 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
I really like this character and stories - so unusual and unexpected. I can't wait to see where it goes. I also really enjoy the way you're telling this - part rhyme, part prose, then making that part of "the Bard's" "mental illness." Very intriguing also - where is the cryogenic thing going? This is very imaginative and told in a unique way. Well done, I think.
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I really like this character and stories - so unusual and unexpected. I can't wait to see where it goes. I also really enjoy the way you're telling this - part rhyme, part prose, then making that part of "the Bard's" "mental illness." Very intriguing also - where is the cryogenic thing going? This is very imaginative and told in a unique way. Well done, I think.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Mikey.
This is a great opening chapter. Your descriptions are well done as are your characters. I like the style of writing you've used in this story and look forward to reading more.
Bye
Rosalyne:)
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Hi Mikey.
This is a great opening chapter. Your descriptions are well done as are your characters. I like the style of writing you've used in this story and look forward to reading more.
Bye
Rosalyne:)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from Millibrad
I'm still hooked. You've expanded the story by introducing the atmosphere of fame, wealth, and greed,in which the action will take place. Very well done. The characterization of The Bard is intriguing.
In Bel Air[,] even(,) a funeral was cause to consider one's entrance,
"Only sixty-two years old, they had been years of luxury and the best of medical care." These two clauses are disconnected and don't make sense.
Consider: His sixty-two years had been years of . . .
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I'm still hooked. You've expanded the story by introducing the atmosphere of fame, wealth, and greed,in which the action will take place. Very well done. The characterization of The Bard is intriguing.
In Bel Air[,] even(,) a funeral was cause to consider one's entrance,
"Only sixty-two years old, they had been years of luxury and the best of medical care." These two clauses are disconnected and don't make sense.
Consider: His sixty-two years had been years of . . .
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
The funeral is a chance for every one to show off. The Bard did not spoil it too much. The son knows the Bard is worth something. The funeral is over now the fight to divide the money and power can start. Great work.
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The funeral is a chance for every one to show off. The Bard did not spoil it too much. The son knows the Bard is worth something. The funeral is over now the fight to divide the money and power can start. Great work.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I like the idea of the story, especially as it lends the opportunity to be interspersed with some rhyme from the Bard. All the characters seem to have the potential of being developed into interesting elements of your story. I spotted two errors in the first verse-it should read 'fare of the day' and next line, garbage. You have a lot of juices flowing in your creative veins at present, so capitalise on it! Faye
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I like the idea of the story, especially as it lends the opportunity to be interspersed with some rhyme from the Bard. All the characters seem to have the potential of being developed into interesting elements of your story. I spotted two errors in the first verse-it should read 'fare of the day' and next line, garbage. You have a lot of juices flowing in your creative veins at present, so capitalise on it! Faye
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Good chapter. Nice introduction to characters and the general atmosphere. I'm sure that unknown daughter will make an unlikely/unwilling appearance at some point, rocking junior's world. You could do an 'August Osage county' and let brother and sister fall in love without knowing they're related. That would be an interesting twist.
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Good chapter. Nice introduction to characters and the general atmosphere. I'm sure that unknown daughter will make an unlikely/unwilling appearance at some point, rocking junior's world. You could do an 'August Osage county' and let brother and sister fall in love without knowing they're related. That would be an interesting twist.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from seaglass
I'm thinkin' this is going to be your best ever. there is so much possibility with this and I think it may be the first that a story is written from the eyes of a person like this since Huckleberry Fin
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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I'm thinkin' this is going to be your best ever. there is so much possibility with this and I think it may be the first that a story is written from the eyes of a person like this since Huckleberry Fin
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Thank you! How exciting to hear. I don't think I can get in so much trouble as easily as I could with the last one. I hope he doesn't decide the pacific ocean is 25 miles away all of a sudden. Well, I guess that's okay...it is. Hahaha. Should be fun. I love characters that throw poems in. Love the stars! I wrote the prologue so I would have a little extra time and not be struggling from behind all the time. mikey
Comment from nor84
mix-up, not two words
The coffin caught everyone's eye as the hot California sun glinted off it reminding everyone >>>'everyone' got into that sentence twice. Might want to make one of them 'people'
Only sixty-two years old, they had been years of luxury and the best of medical care.>>> not a good sentence. Starts with a clause 'only sixty-two years old' which is talking about the man, and then it switches to describe what the years had been like. Sentence is trying to do two things at once, in my opinion. You need to look at it.
Isabel(,) the head maid(,) was >>>It's a parenthetical phrase explaining who Isbel was, so it's separated by commas.
or have an inkling to sing a Christmas carol.>>>I've never seen 'inkling' used this way. Usually, it's "He doesn't have an inkling" meaning he doesn't understand. He's completely in the dark, etc.
I'd be interested to see where this is going. Is Harpster going to be resurrected in some story set in a future time?
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mix-up, not two words
The coffin caught everyone's eye as the hot California sun glinted off it reminding everyone >>>'everyone' got into that sentence twice. Might want to make one of them 'people'
Only sixty-two years old, they had been years of luxury and the best of medical care.>>> not a good sentence. Starts with a clause 'only sixty-two years old' which is talking about the man, and then it switches to describe what the years had been like. Sentence is trying to do two things at once, in my opinion. You need to look at it.
Isabel(,) the head maid(,) was >>>It's a parenthetical phrase explaining who Isbel was, so it's separated by commas.
or have an inkling to sing a Christmas carol.>>>I've never seen 'inkling' used this way. Usually, it's "He doesn't have an inkling" meaning he doesn't understand. He's completely in the dark, etc.
I'd be interested to see where this is going. Is Harpster going to be resurrected in some story set in a future time?
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Whatever technical skills or experience you may lack is more than made up for by charachters i expect to run into on the street. You throw insight and depth around like it is no big deal. It sooo enriches your writing. This feels like a winner. Oh...too early for the Gerbers. Formula to begin with. No buggie. Just change it. Hahaha. Don' t try one of your making it work things!!!! Save it forca better battle. Hahahaaaa. NG
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Whatever technical skills or experience you may lack is more than made up for by charachters i expect to run into on the street. You throw insight and depth around like it is no big deal. It sooo enriches your writing. This feels like a winner. Oh...too early for the Gerbers. Formula to begin with. No buggie. Just change it. Hahaha. Don' t try one of your making it work things!!!! Save it forca better battle. Hahahaaaa. NG
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Wonderfully written. caught the message of Isabells seervices. Cute. Nice introduction of the players. Looking forward to reading on
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Wonderfully written. caught the message of Isabells seervices. Cute. Nice introduction of the players. Looking forward to reading on
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
