Chosen Profession Part-1
A private detective is chased into an elevator shaft.35 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Ric, I am most impressed with this part of your story. There's some intricate writing maneuvering this gumshoe of a private dick out of an almost certain death. This guy lives erm, thrives on the edge.
I got quite a charge out of how he went from lamenting his pathetic life, as drunks are wont to do, to clinging to it with every breath and fibre in his being.
I guess that makes sense, when adrenaline is what feeds the soul.
In my opinion you've done a bang up job, pardon the pun, of writing this wonderful crime fiction. Can't wait to read part two.
Gloria
PS: Thank you for being so damn considerate, dear man. That's gotta be your middle name, Ric damn considerate MyWorld.
I'm still waiting for a poem from your quarter. :)
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Ric, I am most impressed with this part of your story. There's some intricate writing maneuvering this gumshoe of a private dick out of an almost certain death. This guy lives erm, thrives on the edge.
I got quite a charge out of how he went from lamenting his pathetic life, as drunks are wont to do, to clinging to it with every breath and fibre in his being.
I guess that makes sense, when adrenaline is what feeds the soul.
In my opinion you've done a bang up job, pardon the pun, of writing this wonderful crime fiction. Can't wait to read part two.
Gloria
PS: Thank you for being so damn considerate, dear man. That's gotta be your middle name, Ric damn considerate MyWorld.
I'm still waiting for a poem from your quarter. :)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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You really know how to pick an ole boy up and make him feel good about his weakest skill, or lack thereof. This writing thing is harder than I imagined, but I am determined to learn. Thanks so much for always taking time to read my stories and offer the encouragement that keeps me trying. Your kind words and extra generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from djsaxon
Nice build up of tension throughout and a consistent use of the protagonists POV. Don't sweat the break point - it works. leaves the reader wanting to know more. A few grammar spags in there but they belong to you and your editor. Well done - DJ
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Nice build up of tension throughout and a consistent use of the protagonists POV. Don't sweat the break point - it works. leaves the reader wanting to know more. A few grammar spags in there but they belong to you and your editor. Well done - DJ
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read and review my story. Much appreciated.
Comment from hvysmker
Dizzy headed and exhausted.
*** I'd use Dizzy-headed. No subject with this sentence. Though it works for me, others might object.
Having just run faster and farther than I ever could have imagined possible.
*** I'm not a grammar-Nazi, but this seems to be a fragment, not a complete sentence. Again, I can understand the urgency, but others might not. Oh, and I'd drop the "ever"?
Alone, for the first time in my life afraid and desperate for a way out of this eight foot by six foot and eight inch cubical, alive.
*** Eight inch? Is that in height? Don't sound right except for maybe a factory? Even lying down, it'd be pressing on his back.
Staggering to my feet, I steady my weight against the wall and take hold of the mop in the corner.
*** Ah. The eight inch height must have been an error. He couldn't stand up in eight inches of height an eight inches depth or width doesn't seem likely. I was thinking that it might be an industrial elevator. An 8'x6'x8" elevator MIGHT be used to raise something like car doors to another floor. Not for a man to stand up in, though, he-he.
There are six floors to go before I reach the top. So, needing to do something fast, I climb up onto the house-cleaning cart, push up a ceiling tile with the mop handle, and then, somehow, manage to worm my way through the small opening and on top of the elevator.
*** Okay, here, Ric. First of all, I think you should have mentioned the cleaning cart and mop before this paragraph, nearer the beginning. You could have had him bang into or fall against a cleaning cart when he entered the elevator. Maybe knocking a mop off the cart. Some readers, like myself, don't like something like that appearing out of nowhere, as if all elevators carry them. Also, in the "....small opening and on top of the elevator.", I'd drop the "and"?
I slide the tile back into place below me. Now, I strategize my next move, watching and waiting from atop the elevator, soon to be squished between the concrete above.
*** Something missing here. Between implies two or more points. One is the concrete above but what is the other. The top of the elevator?
Then, soon as the elevator car passes, being cautious but quick, I climb down three floors.
*** Makes sense. I can picture a maintenance ladder there.
Listening for the elevator doors, I hear them open. Loud blasts of gunfire perforate every inch of the compartment, ripping its interior to pieces.
*** Conjecture. From your position, you can only surmise it's being torn to pieces.
There is no question, my body would be torn to shredded beef had the cart not been in the elevator car.
*** I'd split that sentence at the comma?
How else could my fat ass have gotten off the ground, through the ceiling, and jumped to the ladder. Now, I have to figure out how to get out of this shaft before they realize that I'm not dead.
*** Hmmm! Sounds like a good idea to me.
Cameras angled so that the security department of the hotel can observe and zoom in on any room or portion of every hallway.
*** Needs something, like "are" after Cameras.
Surrender or hide on a ledge, as neither seems viable alternatives to a chicken shit at heart.
*** Cluckety, cluck, cluck.
Time isn't my friend--and I need to make a decision--quick. So, ruling out the roof, I know that if, and when, I open elevator doors on any floor, I will probably die on national television.
*** Hmmmm! Considering the options, I'd probably have him go back into the elevator. It seems to be the only place his pursuers know he isn't, and will probably be unguarded. Also, he might have a chance hiding on that floor, near the elevator. My reasoning is that the security cameras will have recorded him getting in the elevator and they will know he didn't get off at that floor. They'd start searching on floors between where he got on and where the elevator stopped. That and lower floors would be left for last.
There are concrete blocks and a few two-by-twelve scraps left from the building's construction. I stack two blocks on each side and lay the longest piece of lumber across them. This gives me something to stand on, at the perfect height for me to put an eye against a floor-level hole and observe the whole lobby and entrance doors.
*** You lost me here, Ric. I can't picture the character. Where is he? It sounds like he's at the bottom floor, under the elevator, but how did he get there? There might well be concrete blocks, old boards, and other trash under the elevator. But, if so, when did he get under the floor of the elevator cab? Okay. I read it over and know he continued on the ladder, down past the elevator cage. But if I missed that at first, other readers will. You could make it clearer.
There is a serious misunderstanding here, but how am I supposed to tell them, when all they want to do is shoot first. I'm just a drunken private investigator who must have stepped in the wrong pile.
A good place to split the story, right after spilling his status. A drunken PI has many possibilities.
Charlie
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Dizzy headed and exhausted.
*** I'd use Dizzy-headed. No subject with this sentence. Though it works for me, others might object.
Having just run faster and farther than I ever could have imagined possible.
*** I'm not a grammar-Nazi, but this seems to be a fragment, not a complete sentence. Again, I can understand the urgency, but others might not. Oh, and I'd drop the "ever"?
Alone, for the first time in my life afraid and desperate for a way out of this eight foot by six foot and eight inch cubical, alive.
*** Eight inch? Is that in height? Don't sound right except for maybe a factory? Even lying down, it'd be pressing on his back.
Staggering to my feet, I steady my weight against the wall and take hold of the mop in the corner.
*** Ah. The eight inch height must have been an error. He couldn't stand up in eight inches of height an eight inches depth or width doesn't seem likely. I was thinking that it might be an industrial elevator. An 8'x6'x8" elevator MIGHT be used to raise something like car doors to another floor. Not for a man to stand up in, though, he-he.
There are six floors to go before I reach the top. So, needing to do something fast, I climb up onto the house-cleaning cart, push up a ceiling tile with the mop handle, and then, somehow, manage to worm my way through the small opening and on top of the elevator.
*** Okay, here, Ric. First of all, I think you should have mentioned the cleaning cart and mop before this paragraph, nearer the beginning. You could have had him bang into or fall against a cleaning cart when he entered the elevator. Maybe knocking a mop off the cart. Some readers, like myself, don't like something like that appearing out of nowhere, as if all elevators carry them. Also, in the "....small opening and on top of the elevator.", I'd drop the "and"?
I slide the tile back into place below me. Now, I strategize my next move, watching and waiting from atop the elevator, soon to be squished between the concrete above.
*** Something missing here. Between implies two or more points. One is the concrete above but what is the other. The top of the elevator?
Then, soon as the elevator car passes, being cautious but quick, I climb down three floors.
*** Makes sense. I can picture a maintenance ladder there.
Listening for the elevator doors, I hear them open. Loud blasts of gunfire perforate every inch of the compartment, ripping its interior to pieces.
*** Conjecture. From your position, you can only surmise it's being torn to pieces.
There is no question, my body would be torn to shredded beef had the cart not been in the elevator car.
*** I'd split that sentence at the comma?
How else could my fat ass have gotten off the ground, through the ceiling, and jumped to the ladder. Now, I have to figure out how to get out of this shaft before they realize that I'm not dead.
*** Hmmm! Sounds like a good idea to me.
Cameras angled so that the security department of the hotel can observe and zoom in on any room or portion of every hallway.
*** Needs something, like "are" after Cameras.
Surrender or hide on a ledge, as neither seems viable alternatives to a chicken shit at heart.
*** Cluckety, cluck, cluck.
Time isn't my friend--and I need to make a decision--quick. So, ruling out the roof, I know that if, and when, I open elevator doors on any floor, I will probably die on national television.
*** Hmmmm! Considering the options, I'd probably have him go back into the elevator. It seems to be the only place his pursuers know he isn't, and will probably be unguarded. Also, he might have a chance hiding on that floor, near the elevator. My reasoning is that the security cameras will have recorded him getting in the elevator and they will know he didn't get off at that floor. They'd start searching on floors between where he got on and where the elevator stopped. That and lower floors would be left for last.
There are concrete blocks and a few two-by-twelve scraps left from the building's construction. I stack two blocks on each side and lay the longest piece of lumber across them. This gives me something to stand on, at the perfect height for me to put an eye against a floor-level hole and observe the whole lobby and entrance doors.
*** You lost me here, Ric. I can't picture the character. Where is he? It sounds like he's at the bottom floor, under the elevator, but how did he get there? There might well be concrete blocks, old boards, and other trash under the elevator. But, if so, when did he get under the floor of the elevator cab? Okay. I read it over and know he continued on the ladder, down past the elevator cage. But if I missed that at first, other readers will. You could make it clearer.
There is a serious misunderstanding here, but how am I supposed to tell them, when all they want to do is shoot first. I'm just a drunken private investigator who must have stepped in the wrong pile.
A good place to split the story, right after spilling his status. A drunken PI has many possibilities.
Charlie
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. All the time you spend reviewing and making suggestions is great appreciated.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is so intriguing I wish you hadn't stopped, but I would have done the same thing, I guess. Hope you post the rest tomorrow. I'm eager to see why they want to kill him.
>> kill me, the raising altitude and my fear
Rising, not raising.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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This is so intriguing I wish you hadn't stopped, but I would have done the same thing, I guess. Hope you post the rest tomorrow. I'm eager to see why they want to kill him.
>> kill me, the raising altitude and my fear
Rising, not raising.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Comment from Gail M
I hope to read the second part as I think this is an interesting story and would like to see how it turns out. I understand why you are using short, direct sentences in the old-time PI style and it seems to work in this instance. Your story does suspend belief at times, but you may have done that on purpose to go along with the PI theme. It reminds me of the old 40's and 50's authors.
You might want to spell check - one misspelled word was in paragraph 7, you had "rouge" agents and I think you meant "rogue" agents.
All in all, it's a good beginning to a story that sounds like its going to have an interesting and climatic finish.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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I hope to read the second part as I think this is an interesting story and would like to see how it turns out. I understand why you are using short, direct sentences in the old-time PI style and it seems to work in this instance. Your story does suspend belief at times, but you may have done that on purpose to go along with the PI theme. It reminds me of the old 40's and 50's authors.
You might want to spell check - one misspelled word was in paragraph 7, you had "rouge" agents and I think you meant "rogue" agents.
All in all, it's a good beginning to a story that sounds like its going to have an interesting and climatic finish.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
