The Greta Garbo Lady
Someone i saw...30 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
I love this richly nuanced write--so intensely original and rich in emotional overtone and a love and joy for a stranger...so unique!
A few small notes missed on our reads:
* No, her steps were different: musical, magnetic...(SUGGEST MAKING THIS NEXT LINE A NEW PARAGRAPH, thus letting the ellipses have a longer dramatic pause). From my raised backyard view, first thing I would see was the top of her hat.
*
full rich spacious chocolate brown hat!. Rich, slow, mystical.
RICH repeated too closely. Suggest trimming the first one.
* In our previous interactions, I think forgot to mention that I stumbled slightly on your use of RUPTURE...was it meant to be RAPTURE? Both work, though the former is a poetic license long shot---either way, I like it!
* Through the years(,) my juniper grew to two feet,
* My junipers,(NO COMMA) bowed a little as well, to honor her passing.
Favorite parts:
That closing line is my favorite. Poignant and rich.
In the rupture of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma--a story--the intersection of mystery. I started revering the image of a person I never would know. I named her the Greta Garbo lady.
my legs leaping, squirreling through the now-tall bushes,
Nice gerund choices!
Love this super-long run on sentence (I rarely say that!) and how it builds up a crescendo to end on a dramatic note after the dash:
Then, one day years later, while outside in the shade of an afternoon sun, I saw her again; at an unusual time, with an unusual attire, within an unusual frame; my long-lost mystery lady--minus the hat.
Her Garbo was gone. --good coined phrase!
ALMOST A SIX! Bravo for this wonderful vignette and thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this every time I read it, dear.
Love,
rd
Her gray, heavy winter jacket seemed to be enveloped in layers of smoky clouds --the faraway look of a tombstone.
Great simile!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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I love this richly nuanced write--so intensely original and rich in emotional overtone and a love and joy for a stranger...so unique!
A few small notes missed on our reads:
* No, her steps were different: musical, magnetic...(SUGGEST MAKING THIS NEXT LINE A NEW PARAGRAPH, thus letting the ellipses have a longer dramatic pause). From my raised backyard view, first thing I would see was the top of her hat.
*
full rich spacious chocolate brown hat!. Rich, slow, mystical.
RICH repeated too closely. Suggest trimming the first one.
* In our previous interactions, I think forgot to mention that I stumbled slightly on your use of RUPTURE...was it meant to be RAPTURE? Both work, though the former is a poetic license long shot---either way, I like it!
* Through the years(,) my juniper grew to two feet,
* My junipers,(NO COMMA) bowed a little as well, to honor her passing.
Favorite parts:
That closing line is my favorite. Poignant and rich.
In the rupture of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma--a story--the intersection of mystery. I started revering the image of a person I never would know. I named her the Greta Garbo lady.
my legs leaping, squirreling through the now-tall bushes,
Nice gerund choices!
Love this super-long run on sentence (I rarely say that!) and how it builds up a crescendo to end on a dramatic note after the dash:
Then, one day years later, while outside in the shade of an afternoon sun, I saw her again; at an unusual time, with an unusual attire, within an unusual frame; my long-lost mystery lady--minus the hat.
Her Garbo was gone. --good coined phrase!
ALMOST A SIX! Bravo for this wonderful vignette and thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this every time I read it, dear.
Love,
rd
Her gray, heavy winter jacket seemed to be enveloped in layers of smoky clouds --the faraway look of a tombstone.
Great simile!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you for disrobing this work. A great compliment. i think I got it all done.
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Most welcome, my dear. My pleasure to witness your writing blooming fragrantly. :-)
Comment from judiverse
This is a lovely story and creates a spell. Your description of the mystery woman is just enough for the reader to sense her effect on the narrator. Good device of using the grown of the juniper to suggest the passage of time. Things always seem much grander when we are young, and in the woman's case the hat adds to her mystique. The new reality about the woman's appearance comes with the narrator's becoming older. It was spring and summer then, as narrator states. Now she is without her hat, a rather ordinary with long gray hair and wearing a winter coat. Life changes things. Reality sets in. Excellent and gets six stars. judi
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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This is a lovely story and creates a spell. Your description of the mystery woman is just enough for the reader to sense her effect on the narrator. Good device of using the grown of the juniper to suggest the passage of time. Things always seem much grander when we are young, and in the woman's case the hat adds to her mystique. The new reality about the woman's appearance comes with the narrator's becoming older. It was spring and summer then, as narrator states. Now she is without her hat, a rather ordinary with long gray hair and wearing a winter coat. Life changes things. Reality sets in. Excellent and gets six stars. judi
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you Judi for reading this true story with so much attention! It means a lot to me.
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You're so welcome. I was always intrigued by Greta Garbo, and she makes an excellent frame of reference for your story. judi
Comment from Jay Squires
She was tall, thin, erect, distinguished, elegant. Alone. [Brilliant! Placing the "Alone" after a one sentence series of other attributes.]
In the rupture of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma--a story--the intersection of mystery. [I'm afraid to ask: Do you mean rapture or rupture? Rapture is what one would expect, but rupture connotes more.]
--the faraway look of a tombstone.[This is a delicious image!]
I love the symbol of the Juniper as a boundary.
Great job, Amada. Good luck; it should do well.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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She was tall, thin, erect, distinguished, elegant. Alone. [Brilliant! Placing the "Alone" after a one sentence series of other attributes.]
In the rupture of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma--a story--the intersection of mystery. [I'm afraid to ask: Do you mean rapture or rupture? Rapture is what one would expect, but rupture connotes more.]
--the faraway look of a tombstone.[This is a delicious image!]
I love the symbol of the Juniper as a boundary.
Great job, Amada. Good luck; it should do well.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Jay, thank you so much for pointing to the rapture word. I also appreciate the caption of your favorite lines.
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Part of me wishes it were rupture. It's so evocative, especially in light of the separation between the author and "Greta Garbo" and the need for the boundary bush!
Comment from donaldww
The author describes two encounters with Garbo-like figure in her back alley. The first encounter has a magic quality, the second, the former magic had disappeared. The steps the mystery woman takes are described as meaningful and in rhyme, as though she was remembering some dance steps.
In the [rupture - breach, disturbance, abdominal hernia]rapture? of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma
I had a sense of same wonder I felt
(I had the same sense of wonder that I felt . . .)
Good luck with the contest!
Cheers, DW
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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The author describes two encounters with Garbo-like figure in her back alley. The first encounter has a magic quality, the second, the former magic had disappeared. The steps the mystery woman takes are described as meaningful and in rhyme, as though she was remembering some dance steps.
In the [rupture - breach, disturbance, abdominal hernia]rapture? of that sunlit day I encountered an enigma
I had a sense of same wonder I felt
(I had the same sense of wonder that I felt . . .)
Good luck with the contest!
Cheers, DW
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you DW. Your comments are well noted and done.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story is exceptional. The delightful language you use in your description from the very beginning makes this a memorable read. I was drawn into the allure of the confident and mysterious woman. The eventual signs of the ravages of age or illness bring the story a sad ending that we all wish we never knew. Terrific story!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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This story is exceptional. The delightful language you use in your description from the very beginning makes this a memorable read. I was drawn into the allure of the confident and mysterious woman. The eventual signs of the ravages of age or illness bring the story a sad ending that we all wish we never knew. Terrific story!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the great remarks and the stars!
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello amada,
This was a very compelling read. You story about the mysteriously stranger gripped and held on to me - that's an enormous feat for non-fiction. :)
So very well done! Best wishes for the contest. :)
Hope you have a lovely week.
Love,
xxx
Sonali :)
eager runner or the rushed(,) prescribed walk of
I had a sense of (the) same wonder I felt when
and breathed slower, so (as) not to disturb the rhythm
heart thumping, eyes hungry for (the) sight (of her).
(I) wondered: did my prized tall and hefty green barrier shut her off?
I wonder(ed) if one day the wind had swept her hat
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Hello amada,
This was a very compelling read. You story about the mysteriously stranger gripped and held on to me - that's an enormous feat for non-fiction. :)
So very well done! Best wishes for the contest. :)
Hope you have a lovely week.
Love,
xxx
Sonali :)
eager runner or the rushed(,) prescribed walk of
I had a sense of (the) same wonder I felt when
and breathed slower, so (as) not to disturb the rhythm
heart thumping, eyes hungry for (the) sight (of her).
(I) wondered: did my prized tall and hefty green barrier shut her off?
I wonder(ed) if one day the wind had swept her hat
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you Sonali for the great comments.
Comment from fafa
No doubt left traces that last time that saw she, beautiful artist and wonderful picture to leave usafter this short biography, greetings and blessings.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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No doubt left traces that last time that saw she, beautiful artist and wonderful picture to leave usafter this short biography, greetings and blessings.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you for reading my work.
Comment from reconciled
"Garbo Lady"...great imagery ...Hello...-smile-...I suppose we all have someone we admire....and you captured why....that assured confident air comfortable in owned skin...is very attractive and sought after as if it were the secret of Holy Grail. .....my problem...is ....the turning away...when Elvis gets fat.....I understand it...and am guilty of it...um...a fear I suppose.....of idea that "air" once obtained can be taken....we turn from truth. Anyway...its a wonderful write there happy feet....love you michael
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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"Garbo Lady"...great imagery ...Hello...-smile-...I suppose we all have someone we admire....and you captured why....that assured confident air comfortable in owned skin...is very attractive and sought after as if it were the secret of Holy Grail. .....my problem...is ....the turning away...when Elvis gets fat.....I understand it...and am guilty of it...um...a fear I suppose.....of idea that "air" once obtained can be taken....we turn from truth. Anyway...its a wonderful write there happy feet....love you michael
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Michael,you point so well to the illusion...Elvis getting fat. Sometimes we don't want to deal with truths or common living creatures...we create mystery.
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there's this guy who mixes my paint at Lowe's.....i've known him for years....today...I noticed how much he's aged.....he looks different.....his ears look bigger....-headshake-....I think your ears get bigger as you age......yea, theres a lil' James Dean in all of us I'm absolutely convinced.....-smile-
Comment from Nosha17
I liked your story, it flowed along well. You made good use of language in the narrative and detailed descriptions of your Garbo lady. It had a wistful feel to it and was an enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest. Faye
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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I liked your story, it flowed along well. You made good use of language in the narrative and detailed descriptions of your Garbo lady. It had a wistful feel to it and was an enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest. Faye
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you Faye for reading and commenting in my work.
Comment from Eternal Muse
That was so interesting. I love Greta Garbo! Anyone that even remotely looked like her would get my attention as well. There is so much imagery to this story, and shows your idealistic nature.
Loved those lines:
Her eyes looked ahead, at everything or nothing in particular, as if she was seeing much more that I could ever see or comprehend. Her hands reposed by her side. It seemed to me she was experiencing a hint of the sacred while crossing my path...I wanted that, I must say. I shivered slightly within the envelope of her haunting presence.
Excellent descriptive imagery.
Sorry you were so disappointed at the end. We often paint pictures of someone or something, the way we want to see them, and when they are revealed in their true genre, then comes the "ache of a stab".
An excellent story, I enjoyed it very much.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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That was so interesting. I love Greta Garbo! Anyone that even remotely looked like her would get my attention as well. There is so much imagery to this story, and shows your idealistic nature.
Loved those lines:
Her eyes looked ahead, at everything or nothing in particular, as if she was seeing much more that I could ever see or comprehend. Her hands reposed by her side. It seemed to me she was experiencing a hint of the sacred while crossing my path...I wanted that, I must say. I shivered slightly within the envelope of her haunting presence.
Excellent descriptive imagery.
Sorry you were so disappointed at the end. We often paint pictures of someone or something, the way we want to see them, and when they are revealed in their true genre, then comes the "ache of a stab".
An excellent story, I enjoyed it very much.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you for reading and for commenting in my "idealistic nature." Now that you mention, I think I am. it makes me happy :-)
