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Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Pep Talk"A Whole New Identity
14 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
IU love the story. Countries different norms and rules cause conflict I am an American Our rules are modern, but I can not say they fit every situation Many countries are still stuck in the time when individuals must seek their own justice. Great work.
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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IU love the story. Countries different norms and rules cause conflict I am an American Our rules are modern, but I can not say they fit every situation Many countries are still stuck in the time when individuals must seek their own justice. Great work.
Comment Written 28-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you so much for the kind comments and input. Your review is most appreciated.
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
She [rang/wrung] her hands and began to puff.
A chapter with a lot of action. Kidnapping Julia's father and Edward. It will all depend on Brad's skills to solve the problem.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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She [rang/wrung] her hands and began to puff.
A chapter with a lot of action. Kidnapping Julia's father and Edward. It will all depend on Brad's skills to solve the problem.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Hey Sylvia, yes, after an exhaustive grammar search it's rang. So glad you enjoyed this one, and thanks so much for the outstanding sixer. I can't thank you enough for the support, my friend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from lludlow
great description of the ocean (except "continuous eye treats". maybe "eye candy"?)
The phone slid from here grasp and bounced on the cushion--excellent detail!
"Rang" her hands?
How does Brad know the investigators? I can understand how he knew them in his previous life, but now? Maybe I missed something earlier, but great job!!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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great description of the ocean (except "continuous eye treats". maybe "eye candy"?)
The phone slid from here grasp and bounced on the cushion--excellent detail!
"Rang" her hands?
How does Brad know the investigators? I can understand how he knew them in his previous life, but now? Maybe I missed something earlier, but great job!!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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I'm not sure about 'rang' either, but I don't think 'wrung' works. May just change the sentence.
Yes, as Zack who worked for the FBI, they'd worked a couple of other cases together. It was his voice and mannerisms that gave him away.
Thanks so much for the comments and review.
Gayle
Comment from Ted T
Hi Gayle :)
Another "Sixer" is in order.
Great opening to this chapter, I could see it going down just like a good film.
These people are not to be taken lightly.
I'm fading for the night. OTC pain pills can't cut it. I'm stuck without until Wednesday, nothing I can do. MY Oxy is a level two controlled substance and the pharmacy won't fill the script until the listed date.
Ted
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Hi Gayle :)
Another "Sixer" is in order.
Great opening to this chapter, I could see it going down just like a good film.
These people are not to be taken lightly.
I'm fading for the night. OTC pain pills can't cut it. I'm stuck without until Wednesday, nothing I can do. MY Oxy is a level two controlled substance and the pharmacy won't fill the script until the listed date.
Ted
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Oh Ted, thank you so much for the great sixer. It's so appreciated, and I love your 'film idea' for sure, lol.
I'm so sorry to hear you're in pain, sweetie. I'll keep you in my prayers. Try to get some rest.
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
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You're welcome, thank you :)
Comment from TervLass
A fabulous chapter, Gayle.
A few descriptors I really enjoyed:
"...continuous eye treats", "...the luxury of wigging out", and the statement, "Rex felt an immediate connection, an acknowledgment of what in times long past might have been called a lair smell".
Every scene segment is loaded with great content and charged with tension appropriate to the characters. I can appreciate how you have tethered the truth of cultural differences to the potential of Jim and Lenny's backgrounds (which could, under certain circumstances, prove dire to Brad and Julia).
Wonderful reading. Really liking the way Rex is weaving into sight, too.
Helen (TervLass)
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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A fabulous chapter, Gayle.
A few descriptors I really enjoyed:
"...continuous eye treats", "...the luxury of wigging out", and the statement, "Rex felt an immediate connection, an acknowledgment of what in times long past might have been called a lair smell".
Every scene segment is loaded with great content and charged with tension appropriate to the characters. I can appreciate how you have tethered the truth of cultural differences to the potential of Jim and Lenny's backgrounds (which could, under certain circumstances, prove dire to Brad and Julia).
Wonderful reading. Really liking the way Rex is weaving into sight, too.
Helen (TervLass)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Oh Helen, your reviews are like music to my ears, I swear. Yes, now that the team is involved we're going to see some action happen. I'm the boss of them and they do what I want. These new and unruly characters - like herding cats!
Thank you so much!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
But no, I have to kill Ari <-- should be HAD
other than that, a great chapter! can't wait to see what they tell jim and lenny and what happens next.... onto the next chapter!
thanx for sharing :-)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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But no, I have to kill Ari <-- should be HAD
other than that, a great chapter! can't wait to see what they tell jim and lenny and what happens next.... onto the next chapter!
thanx for sharing :-)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Hey CaliGyrl, you're right - s/b had. Will catch. Glad you liked this one.
So, did you get Asheleigh's prom dress? Try the Sophisticated Lady up at the Town Center Mall. I could spend an entire day - could in my 40s anyway. When we were doing the horse shows, we'd have lots of formal events to attend. It's great just to browse.
Hugs,
Gayle
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not yet. she;s been looking around the internet and penneys, sears, wet seal, and a couple others.... so she knows the kind she wants. we're going to the mall on wed. :)
Comment from Writingfundimension
You set the scene so very well in this chapter, Gayle. I'm glad you put that bit about Julia's killing in towards the end. It's an important subtlety and works well with the chapter overall that Julia's killing of Ari would not be acceptable in this country. I don't think it hurts the plot at all.
Bringing in the two detectives is a good plot twist, too, in my opinion.
Terrific, as always, Gayle.
Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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You set the scene so very well in this chapter, Gayle. I'm glad you put that bit about Julia's killing in towards the end. It's an important subtlety and works well with the chapter overall that Julia's killing of Ari would not be acceptable in this country. I don't think it hurts the plot at all.
Bringing in the two detectives is a good plot twist, too, in my opinion.
Terrific, as always, Gayle.
Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Oh my, lookee there, gorgeous sixer! Thanks so much Bev. I goofed up and resubmitted a couple of paragraphs in the next one! Good grief, I don't know how I did that because it's not on the ms like that! OY!
Thanks so much for the super review and comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
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You are very welcome, Gayle. Well-deserved.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
A second inciting incident, but this yarn is complex enough to support another turn. With Edward and her father held by Hamid we need an infusion of new insight. Jim and Lenny can give us that just as Lenny did when he tossed the dead dog on his bosses desk. This turn could be just as decisive.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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A second inciting incident, but this yarn is complex enough to support another turn. With Edward and her father held by Hamid we need an infusion of new insight. Jim and Lenny can give us that just as Lenny did when he tossed the dead dog on his bosses desk. This turn could be just as decisive.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Tehee, I was thinking of that scene, too. Actually....
That one just flowed so naturally, but this book, I don't know, so many ways to go - paths to wander. Just hang in there with me and we'll make it!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Zue65
That kidnapping thing I believe is a ploy and Julia is about to face the ghost of her life. The secrets hidden in family vaults, in convoluted treachery to mask hidden agenda related to honor killings which are acceptable acts in another culture but never in America. The loops and inconsistencies will make your story definitely worth reading. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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That kidnapping thing I believe is a ploy and Julia is about to face the ghost of her life. The secrets hidden in family vaults, in convoluted treachery to mask hidden agenda related to honor killings which are acceptable acts in another culture but never in America. The loops and inconsistencies will make your story definitely worth reading. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Nassus, for your comments and ideas. I appreciate your insight very much and hope you continue to read along.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from nor84
I'm dictating this, so you know what that means. If you get nonsense that means I didn't catch it. If you can't figure it out, just send a PM.
Here goes.
You have not been kidnapped and there is no deal to make. You killed my cousin and for that you will die. And all for that camel-faced bitch of a daughter! You will regret that. Now say no more, or by Allah, I'll finish this now.">>> Good, tough dialogue.
I'd rather be in Mehia's head here - his point of view.
rhythmic and pounding beat of the waves.>>> I think the rhythmic, pounding beat of the waves is stronger. The "and" gets in the way.
"Jules(!) (D)on't, baby(.) Don't fall apart on me now.
Her voice was so shrill and staccato, so unlike >>> I recommend losing one or both 'so' words.
The paragraph that begins "Papa and Edward" is hooked to the paragraph that begins "Julia struggled."
anything like that. Being a female and all that means, no one >>> don't need the comma after "means", and I recommend taking a look at "anything like that"/"and all that". You may not want them that close together.
She rang (wrung)her hands
I'm not fond of all the wailing and fainting and hyperventilating that Julia is doing, but then she's not my character. She just seems to be a bit melodramatic in this scene. Kind of wimpy.
Bring Rex(.) We'd love to see how he's doing."
They are neither priest (priests) nor attorney (attorneys)
But at this point, that's moot>>> comma after "point" isn't necessary
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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I'm dictating this, so you know what that means. If you get nonsense that means I didn't catch it. If you can't figure it out, just send a PM.
Here goes.
You have not been kidnapped and there is no deal to make. You killed my cousin and for that you will die. And all for that camel-faced bitch of a daughter! You will regret that. Now say no more, or by Allah, I'll finish this now.">>> Good, tough dialogue.
I'd rather be in Mehia's head here - his point of view.
rhythmic and pounding beat of the waves.>>> I think the rhythmic, pounding beat of the waves is stronger. The "and" gets in the way.
"Jules(!) (D)on't, baby(.) Don't fall apart on me now.
Her voice was so shrill and staccato, so unlike >>> I recommend losing one or both 'so' words.
The paragraph that begins "Papa and Edward" is hooked to the paragraph that begins "Julia struggled."
anything like that. Being a female and all that means, no one >>> don't need the comma after "means", and I recommend taking a look at "anything like that"/"and all that". You may not want them that close together.
She rang (wrung)her hands
I'm not fond of all the wailing and fainting and hyperventilating that Julia is doing, but then she's not my character. She just seems to be a bit melodramatic in this scene. Kind of wimpy.
Bring Rex(.) We'd love to see how he's doing."
They are neither priest (priests) nor attorney (attorneys)
But at this point, that's moot>>> comma after "point" isn't necessary
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Hi Norma,
I just can't thank you enough for the great edits and comments. I already gave you the allotted monthly thumb. Why only one thumb? Doesn't seem right.
Anyhoo, will make the adjustments, Sis.
Big thanks and hugs,
Gayle
