Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "Determining the Enemy"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
19 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
Intriguing and well-written as always. I've finally articulated a thought I've been having about this for some time. I think you need to expand the reach of the action. Maybe tell it not only from Johnny's point of view (too narrow for a tale with so much scope). What if we heard, in various chapters, from the Russian soldiers, the mental patients, Christine, maybe even someone in some other area, wondering whether there's anyone else out there? It's beginning to feel like just Johnny's perspective is too narrow for the scope of this story, Just a suggestion.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Intriguing and well-written as always. I've finally articulated a thought I've been having about this for some time. I think you need to expand the reach of the action. Maybe tell it not only from Johnny's point of view (too narrow for a tale with so much scope). What if we heard, in various chapters, from the Russian soldiers, the mental patients, Christine, maybe even someone in some other area, wondering whether there's anyone else out there? It's beginning to feel like just Johnny's perspective is too narrow for the scope of this story, Just a suggestion.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Hi. Jumping way ahead.(miles behind responding!) I would love to do that. I just don't know how! I got in trouble trying to throw "meanwhile at the United Nations" in before, because it is a story from Johnny's perspective. So, it has to be things that he sees. That's where the dreams came from. Hahaha. Explaining how they could know about the U.N. meeting. I explained it as an implanted dream! Well, they're about to start interacting with the rest of the world, so that should broaden the scope quite a bit. Still up on the high wire without a net!! mikey
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Do you know The Poisonwood Bible? (Can't remember the author - Barbara somebody). This would mean starting over, essentially,, but you will anyway, in re-write, as you move toward publication. I just think you need more than just Johnny's viewpoint. This story is getting bigger and bigger, and I think you could tell more, and make a more multi-leveled work, with more points of view. Another thought might be to try a change to third person, which would expand what you could tell and how you could tell it. Just random thoughts. Thanks so very much for the nomination, I appreciate it!
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I think so too. I keep starting stories with "I". But, that is because I have no idea what they're about or that they are stories usually!! Well, it gives me lots of material to work with. But, this would be a lot more fun in the third person. I think that all the time. I'll finish it and then start over probably in the third person as you suggest. Thanks for your help and your most welcome. mikey
Comment from Sasha
So many questions left to be answered. They seem to be able to control the mind games a little easier than before. Great chapter filled with lots of new information that leave the reader still wondering who the hell is behind all this. I found one sentence you may want to look at:
This paradise that we live in is a target. The enemy wants. They can't have it....you might consider changing this to, This paradise that we live in is a target, and the enemy want it....
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So many questions left to be answered. They seem to be able to control the mind games a little easier than before. Great chapter filled with lots of new information that leave the reader still wondering who the hell is behind all this. I found one sentence you may want to look at:
This paradise that we live in is a target. The enemy wants. They can't have it....you might consider changing this to, This paradise that we live in is a target, and the enemy want it....
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Interesting chapter revealing more about the usefulness of the contents of the bunker. Good you are about to enlighten us on who the enemy are etc. -no need to keep us in suspense anymore. Good narrative and dialogue as always. Enjoyable read. Faye
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Interesting chapter revealing more about the usefulness of the contents of the bunker. Good you are about to enlighten us on who the enemy are etc. -no need to keep us in suspense anymore. Good narrative and dialogue as always. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
They are finding quite a bit of area underground. Their methods of trying to protect themselves from mind control seems to be working. They still need a defense of the strangers sent their way. Great work.
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They are finding quite a bit of area underground. Their methods of trying to protect themselves from mind control seems to be working. They still need a defense of the strangers sent their way. Great work.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from adewpearl
Good work, Carlos
What's up, Grandpa - add commas for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout
I like the way you set up interrelationships among people who never would have been friends prior to the catastrophe, but now they are teamed up for survival and to learn the truth
Brooke
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Good work, Carlos
What's up, Grandpa - add commas for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout
I like the way you set up interrelationships among people who never would have been friends prior to the catastrophe, but now they are teamed up for survival and to learn the truth
Brooke
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
This is really heating up now. It looks like they are going to have thre equipment to hold theirbown now. About to bust loose. I can feel it. The exchanges between johnny anf Christine are soooo real!!!!! NG
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This is really heating up now. It looks like they are going to have thre equipment to hold theirbown now. About to bust loose. I can feel it. The exchanges between johnny anf Christine are soooo real!!!!! NG
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from faragon
Looks like their little group of psychics is growing. I like the way you intersperse the dialogue within the story telling. I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors. Are you planning on using the helicopter? Maybe someone in the military group knows how to operate it. Keep up the good work!!
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Looks like their little group of psychics is growing. I like the way you intersperse the dialogue within the story telling. I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors. Are you planning on using the helicopter? Maybe someone in the military group knows how to operate it. Keep up the good work!!
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Interesting, how you describe the length of the catacombs running for miles. Could be something useful in them catacombs not yet discovered. I know your brain is swarming with ideas. That's my biggest problem, I get too many ideas. i don't which way to go. You have a lot of options now. You can take the safe route or the wold side. I like surprises, maybe, you got some surprises, maybe , find some skeletons, bones scattered someplace or finf danger, like booby traps protecting something very valuable. You got a lot of options, Mikey. This is getting interesting, maybe, you ought to deploy some scouts and investigate the tunnels. I wonder about that chopper. Maybe, the radio aboard the chopper, still works, just needs a battery charghe, interesting. Surely, some of your Russian or American troops have flown a chopper. That would be a good idea, see who is qualified to fly one in the group. Watch out, the chopper could be a decoy and enemy is waiting, hiding. This is getting interesting. You are doing fine. wackydo. Oh, I'm still working on my secret project? keep your eyes opened and I voted for myself, finally. zero is my hero
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Interesting, how you describe the length of the catacombs running for miles. Could be something useful in them catacombs not yet discovered. I know your brain is swarming with ideas. That's my biggest problem, I get too many ideas. i don't which way to go. You have a lot of options now. You can take the safe route or the wold side. I like surprises, maybe, you got some surprises, maybe , find some skeletons, bones scattered someplace or finf danger, like booby traps protecting something very valuable. You got a lot of options, Mikey. This is getting interesting, maybe, you ought to deploy some scouts and investigate the tunnels. I wonder about that chopper. Maybe, the radio aboard the chopper, still works, just needs a battery charghe, interesting. Surely, some of your Russian or American troops have flown a chopper. That would be a good idea, see who is qualified to fly one in the group. Watch out, the chopper could be a decoy and enemy is waiting, hiding. This is getting interesting. You are doing fine. wackydo. Oh, I'm still working on my secret project? keep your eyes opened and I voted for myself, finally. zero is my hero
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from seaglass
Some day you should write a book about a global disaster that causes the continents to rejoin as one like they were before they shook apart. Twd be strange reaction if we all ended up in each others pocket.
This is a great addition. An other person displaying leadership. Maybe Sara will snag one of those young dudes.
Just a little minor fixey--"I want to ask (here) about some detail"---typo (her)
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Some day you should write a book about a global disaster that causes the continents to rejoin as one like they were before they shook apart. Twd be strange reaction if we all ended up in each others pocket.
This is a great addition. An other person displaying leadership. Maybe Sara will snag one of those young dudes.
Just a little minor fixey--"I want to ask (here) about some detail"---typo (her)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
