Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Interpreting Dreams & Opening Doors"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
17 total reviews
Comment from 24chas
Christine is very wise. Trying to piece this thing together and got nothing so far. Did you ever feel like you'd be writing a real epic like this when you started?
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Christine is very wise. Trying to piece this thing together and got nothing so far. Did you ever feel like you'd be writing a real epic like this when you started?
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
Comment from adewpearl
You build suspense well as they speculate what value the land must have to those attacking them and what the bunkers might be like and what they hold.
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You build suspense well as they speculate what value the land must have to those attacking them and what the bunkers might be like and what they hold.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
You continue to add to the plausibility of your story with added detail. It is sounding less sci fi now. It is known that the brain has demonstrated abilities beyond the fivr senses. I have experienced it and seen it. Now, what is in that damn bunker!!!! NG
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You continue to add to the plausibility of your story with added detail. It is sounding less sci fi now. It is known that the brain has demonstrated abilities beyond the fivr senses. I have experienced it and seen it. Now, what is in that damn bunker!!!! NG
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is exciting... can't wait for the bunker exploration... reminds me of the TV serirs "Lost" but hopefully not as goofy. Good save with the transmitting of "dreams" and mind control.
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This is exciting... can't wait for the bunker exploration... reminds me of the TV serirs "Lost" but hopefully not as goofy. Good save with the transmitting of "dreams" and mind control.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
Comment from l.raven
Hi Michael, well...we learned a bit more...where the dreams are coming from...and we need to go further into the bunker...so lets see what we can find...very interesting you...just keep pit coming...a great story...Luff Linda xxoo
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Hi Michael, well...we learned a bit more...where the dreams are coming from...and we need to go further into the bunker...so lets see what we can find...very interesting you...just keep pit coming...a great story...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is a good one that begins to clarify some things an sets the reader up to wonder about the bunker. This should prove to be interesting. Believable dialog and direction. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, this is a good one that begins to clarify some things an sets the reader up to wonder about the bunker. This should prove to be interesting. Believable dialog and direction. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
Comment from Gloria ....
This is the first time I've stopped in on your story, Michael, so I don't have the background info to make specific statements, so just general observations from me.
Remember to pay attention to your recaps from previous chapters. Previously, The (the) compound was shaken by an attack that though easily repelled cost a lot of lives. - It's an awkward sentence and sounds contradictory within itself. If the attack was easily repelled why were so many lives lost?
Upon returning to the compound Johnny was fired at by someone in the compound which turned out to be Carlos. - here you've used compound twice in the same sentence, so I suggest a little rewrite there.
Christine determinded (determined) that the so called (so-called) dream team was somehow exerting influence over people and had to be stopped.
He smiled, "I always seem to learn things the hard way, Johnny. Sorry about what happened. It was the damnedest thing. - He smiled isn't a dialogue tag, so you could rewrite as: He smiled and said, "I etc."
I looked at Christine again, "Do you sense anything?" - again same thing. I looked at Christine again is not a dialogue tag.
Look, that's one of the reason's (reasons) we got stuck here.
Overall my suggestion would be to have more dialogue interaction even if it is done telepathically otherwise it starts to sound pedantic.
There is a fair bit of telling rather than showing. Those are great opportunities to embellish your character's idiosyncrasies or the setting. Some of the sentences are quite choppy somewhat repetitive and could be joined into a single one.
Anyway, good write and keep going.
Cheers,
Gloria
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This is the first time I've stopped in on your story, Michael, so I don't have the background info to make specific statements, so just general observations from me.
Remember to pay attention to your recaps from previous chapters. Previously, The (the) compound was shaken by an attack that though easily repelled cost a lot of lives. - It's an awkward sentence and sounds contradictory within itself. If the attack was easily repelled why were so many lives lost?
Upon returning to the compound Johnny was fired at by someone in the compound which turned out to be Carlos. - here you've used compound twice in the same sentence, so I suggest a little rewrite there.
Christine determinded (determined) that the so called (so-called) dream team was somehow exerting influence over people and had to be stopped.
He smiled, "I always seem to learn things the hard way, Johnny. Sorry about what happened. It was the damnedest thing. - He smiled isn't a dialogue tag, so you could rewrite as: He smiled and said, "I etc."
I looked at Christine again, "Do you sense anything?" - again same thing. I looked at Christine again is not a dialogue tag.
Look, that's one of the reason's (reasons) we got stuck here.
Overall my suggestion would be to have more dialogue interaction even if it is done telepathically otherwise it starts to sound pedantic.
There is a fair bit of telling rather than showing. Those are great opportunities to embellish your character's idiosyncrasies or the setting. Some of the sentences are quite choppy somewhat repetitive and could be joined into a single one.
Anyway, good write and keep going.
Cheers,
Gloria
Comment Written 31-Mar-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
This chapter was a very intriguing read and held my interest until the very end. My only suggestion would be that I think you're walking a very narrow line of believability. I can buy the satellites, for now. I do think you have to be really careful not to "write yourself into a corner" here. One unbelievable detail, and the whole story becomes uninteresting, as so often happens with fantasy work. So far, so good. This was an intriguing chapter.
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This chapter was a very intriguing read and held my interest until the very end. My only suggestion would be that I think you're walking a very narrow line of believability. I can buy the satellites, for now. I do think you have to be really careful not to "write yourself into a corner" here. One unbelievable detail, and the whole story becomes uninteresting, as so often happens with fantasy work. So far, so good. This was an intriguing chapter.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2014
Comment from ravenblack
So a satellite amplifies the dream signal and makes people we more receptive to receiving it ,like satellites pumping images to a t.v. screen? A satellite- the culprit has to be one of the superpowers.
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So a satellite amplifies the dream signal and makes people we more receptive to receiving it ,like satellites pumping images to a t.v. screen? A satellite- the culprit has to be one of the superpowers.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2014
Comment from faragon
I'm a little confused. Has Christine had ESP or mental telepathy all her life or was she speaking metaphorically? I know all people have in built in...in some it's stronger...others do not utilize it at all. Can't wait to see what is in the bunker!
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I'm a little confused. Has Christine had ESP or mental telepathy all her life or was she speaking metaphorically? I know all people have in built in...in some it's stronger...others do not utilize it at all. Can't wait to see what is in the bunker!
Comment Written 31-Mar-2014
