Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 57 "Ahanzi Moon"Murder Mystery
40 total reviews
Comment from rtobaygo
Hello, Bev:
Loved the way you started with an encounter between Danika and Jordan, then introduced the supernatural. Satan as a hell-hound has a certain appeal. Having Eddie see his father's ghost was spot on.
No spags and regrettably, no 6's remain.
Take care,
Ray
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Hello, Bev:
Loved the way you started with an encounter between Danika and Jordan, then introduced the supernatural. Satan as a hell-hound has a certain appeal. Having Eddie see his father's ghost was spot on.
No spags and regrettably, no 6's remain.
Take care,
Ray
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Ray, thanks for your encouragement. Having both taken the horror class, it's great to get feed-back from a fellow classmate. Much appreciated! Bev
Comment from kleck140
Great story and great writing. You kept me in suspense to
the very end. I am waiting for the book. Go Girl...you are
truly an inspiration to me. I wish to learn to write as
well and descriptive with dialogue as you do. Thanks for sharing. EL
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Great story and great writing. You kept me in suspense to
the very end. I am waiting for the book. Go Girl...you are
truly an inspiration to me. I wish to learn to write as
well and descriptive with dialogue as you do. Thanks for sharing. EL
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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El, thank you for this very gracious and generous review. I'm honored you found the writing an 'inspiration'. I, of course, see the flaws LoL. I really appreciate your support and encouragement, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your quick reply!
Comment from TKField
Well done. I think this had a lot of hard boiled fear and loathing. I haven't read the previous chapters yet, but I was able to pick up on the general gist of events. Lots of sex, violence and crazed killers. Nice ear for dialogue. Compelling, unsettling and creepy all the way around. I liked it.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Well done. I think this had a lot of hard boiled fear and loathing. I haven't read the previous chapters yet, but I was able to pick up on the general gist of events. Lots of sex, violence and crazed killers. Nice ear for dialogue. Compelling, unsettling and creepy all the way around. I liked it.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Hi, TK. Thank you so much for this grand review! I appreciate the support. :0) Bev
Comment from Jay Squires
This is some powerfully good writing -- taut, crackling dialogue, narrative that flows, but without drawing attention to itself. The action is balanced with introspection.
You did an exceptionally fine job with this.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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This is some powerfully good writing -- taut, crackling dialogue, narrative that flows, but without drawing attention to itself. The action is balanced with introspection.
You did an exceptionally fine job with this.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Wow, thank you so much, Jay. Need I say you have made my evening?
I really appreciate your encouragement and generosity. I especially like your insight about the balance of action and introspection. It's that kind of input that helps me improve my writing.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Bev,
This is an awesome chapter. Love the phrase(telegraphed his annoyance)
You have some pretty spicy sexual scenes going on here. Really well done.
I felt that somewhere in between the following paragraphs that it would help to preface her physical attack with a little more simmering anger. It just seemed to happen too fast. (Just a thought)
Rubbing her foot along the inside of his thigh, Danika coaxed, "Don't be mad, Jordie. Give me an hour, then head over to my apartment. Get the place ready and don't forget to set up the video recorder this time." She tried to grab his hand, but he moved out of reach.
"Go to hell. I've got better things to do than wait around for a lame fuck with you."
Danika lunged forward in her chair and threatened, "Do I need to remind you that I can ruin you with one word to the right people?"
Jordan's smirk unhinged her. She rushed for him, nails bared and aiming to damage. He easily subdued her by pinning her arms against the wall."I'm done with you," he spat out. "I've had a better offer, and I'm taking it. Try to make trouble for me, and I'll send pictures of you and me doing the dirty to your competitor."
A dark shape materialized through the door in the middle of the hallway. Danika watched, transfixed, as it coalesced into a monstrous-sized dog. Its bulging eyes kept her rooted to the spot. She opened her mouth to scream, but there was only an incongruous sound - the animal rumbling with satisfaction. Her bladder let loose, and Danika felt a hot stream of urine running down her leg. Fear drummed the back of her eyeballs and she swallowed against the bitter bite of it. Her whimpering drew the creature closer and she cringed against its assault. Then it did something possible only in nightmares. It stopped at her feet, sat back on its haunches and spoke, "I've come to complete our bargain, Danika Marten - to make you famous and take your soul back to hell with me."
I don't frighten easily but I have to tell you last night I had vivid nightmares about being involved in mass murders.
Have to lay that at your feet, friend. lol
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Bev,
This is an awesome chapter. Love the phrase(telegraphed his annoyance)
You have some pretty spicy sexual scenes going on here. Really well done.
I felt that somewhere in between the following paragraphs that it would help to preface her physical attack with a little more simmering anger. It just seemed to happen too fast. (Just a thought)
Rubbing her foot along the inside of his thigh, Danika coaxed, "Don't be mad, Jordie. Give me an hour, then head over to my apartment. Get the place ready and don't forget to set up the video recorder this time." She tried to grab his hand, but he moved out of reach.
"Go to hell. I've got better things to do than wait around for a lame fuck with you."
Danika lunged forward in her chair and threatened, "Do I need to remind you that I can ruin you with one word to the right people?"
Jordan's smirk unhinged her. She rushed for him, nails bared and aiming to damage. He easily subdued her by pinning her arms against the wall."I'm done with you," he spat out. "I've had a better offer, and I'm taking it. Try to make trouble for me, and I'll send pictures of you and me doing the dirty to your competitor."
A dark shape materialized through the door in the middle of the hallway. Danika watched, transfixed, as it coalesced into a monstrous-sized dog. Its bulging eyes kept her rooted to the spot. She opened her mouth to scream, but there was only an incongruous sound - the animal rumbling with satisfaction. Her bladder let loose, and Danika felt a hot stream of urine running down her leg. Fear drummed the back of her eyeballs and she swallowed against the bitter bite of it. Her whimpering drew the creature closer and she cringed against its assault. Then it did something possible only in nightmares. It stopped at her feet, sat back on its haunches and spoke, "I've come to complete our bargain, Danika Marten - to make you famous and take your soul back to hell with me."
I don't frighten easily but I have to tell you last night I had vivid nightmares about being involved in mass murders.
Have to lay that at your feet, friend. lol
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Hi, Dallas. Thank you for this awesome review and your suggestion, which I think really has merit. Someone else mentioned the same thing, so I'll go back when I edit and look at better ways of leading into that.
Sorry about the nightmares - seriously, I know what that feels like. I'm often affected that way with moves, too.
I really appreciate your encouragement and support. Doing the sex scene is not all that comfortable for me. But, these days, you pretty much have to have some of it in this particular genre. That's why I'll probably never write hard-core romance novels LoL.
:0) Bev
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I think you handled the sex very well and you are so right, it seems to be a must.
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Thanks again, Dallas. I appreciate the reassurance.
Comment from buzclick
LOL, I like this story. Hope it comes out in paperback soon.
The suspense is great.
Characters are spot on.
Story-line is imaginative and appealing to fantasy and horror alike. Go with a publisher, don't waste time or money on self-publishing. Your a star.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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LOL, I like this story. Hope it comes out in paperback soon.
The suspense is great.
Characters are spot on.
Story-line is imaginative and appealing to fantasy and horror alike. Go with a publisher, don't waste time or money on self-publishing. Your a star.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Aw, thank you so much, buzclick. Your words means so much to me! I see the flaws all too well... so the encouragement is much appreciated. All that and a six, too! :0) Bev
Comment from jadapenn
Yummy, my favourite gruesome horror story. Well yes, I don't mind the little bitch getting her due. She was up to no good with her press antics. Am I getting a bit rough with the girl. Ah, our Eddie is out to cause more havoc and I can't wait for the next chapter to see what gore he's up to. He sounds a bit like a devil possessed Ted Bundy. Well written, friend. I enjoyed. luv jada
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Yummy, my favourite gruesome horror story. Well yes, I don't mind the little bitch getting her due. She was up to no good with her press antics. Am I getting a bit rough with the girl. Ah, our Eddie is out to cause more havoc and I can't wait for the next chapter to see what gore he's up to. He sounds a bit like a devil possessed Ted Bundy. Well written, friend. I enjoyed. luv jada
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Hehe. Thanks so much, Jada. I am always a bit nervous when I post this kind of story to this site. Your review makes me absolutely glow!! Love it, and you, too. XXX Bev
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Ooh, it pays to be daring. Look at the abuse I have to handle in that controversial book. haha. Makes me laugh. :) You go girl. I absolutely love your story. At present I can't pinpoint what the outcome will be. But know this, this Eddy needs a macabre end! :)
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Yes, and he shall have one!! Love ya, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Great writing, the suspense keeps me
on edge -
That Danika is a scheming, spiteful bitch. and she has a hold over Jordan, but he threatens to play her game if she makes trouble for him. But then someone is waiting for her and she's captured - great stuff, Bev.
"Pull yourself together, girl.(")
door vibrated.[.] stray period
I'm back for a while - just come in from keeping
company with my friend next door - it's all been
such a shock for her.
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Great writing, the suspense keeps me
on edge -
That Danika is a scheming, spiteful bitch. and she has a hold over Jordan, but he threatens to play her game if she makes trouble for him. But then someone is waiting for her and she's captured - great stuff, Bev.
"Pull yourself together, girl.(")
door vibrated.[.] stray period
I'm back for a while - just come in from keeping
company with my friend next door - it's all been
such a shock for her.
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Hi, Margaret. Thanks for the great review! I really appreciate your support and encouragement. And thanks, too, for the sharp editorial eye.
What a great friend you are to take all this time with your neighbor. It's people like you that embody the Christian principle of 'Love thy Neighbor'.
xx Bev
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I think we've done more weeping than anything - she starts and I join her - but today, I left her smiling and she knows I'm hear if she needs me. M
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Bless your sweet soul, Margaret. xx
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where edward takes danika and he sees his father in the truck cab with him and he wants to finish what he set out to do.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where edward takes danika and he sees his father in the truck cab with him and he wants to finish what he set out to do.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Thank you so very much, Sweet. Appreciate the support and generosity. :0) Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
Oh, my goodness, dear Bev, you give Dean Kuch a run for his money with the suspense you've created here.
What a serving of the supernatural alongside the mystery!
You had me at the edge of my seat, my friend.
Well done!
Hugs to you.
xxx
Sonali :)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Oh, my goodness, dear Bev, you give Dean Kuch a run for his money with the suspense you've created here.
What a serving of the supernatural alongside the mystery!
You had me at the edge of my seat, my friend.
Well done!
Hugs to you.
xxx
Sonali :)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Sonali. I appreciate the encouraging and supportive review. Hugs, Bev
