Mojave's Molten Gold
abab 14beats20 total reviews
Comment from ravenblack
I really enjoy some of the lines in this one, particularly the first line -and there are many other gorgeous lines. Also picked up on the reference to "canary in a coal mine". As for the narrative of this poem, without your author notes I would have been lost. I think you tackled too much in this poem, the second stanza eating up narrative time and confusing the tone , the listing of names alliterative comic relief. Is the poem meant to be funny or horrific? I enjoyed the poem, just think it would benefit from more focus. Think it would work better using that second stanza to develop the narrative.
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I really enjoy some of the lines in this one, particularly the first line -and there are many other gorgeous lines. Also picked up on the reference to "canary in a coal mine". As for the narrative of this poem, without your author notes I would have been lost. I think you tackled too much in this poem, the second stanza eating up narrative time and confusing the tone , the listing of names alliterative comic relief. Is the poem meant to be funny or horrific? I enjoyed the poem, just think it would benefit from more focus. Think it would work better using that second stanza to develop the narrative.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
This ABAB Poetry Contest contest entry fulfills the elements of the contest with a creative story filled with alliteration and has an air of mystery to the old tale. All the best in the contest! :0 GracieAnn
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This ABAB Poetry Contest contest entry fulfills the elements of the contest with a creative story filled with alliteration and has an air of mystery to the old tale. All the best in the contest! :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
Comment from Spitfire
Your word choices and images echo the dangers of this endless cave diving in a forsaken dessert. Oh, the sights you have seen, the places you've been all in search of gold. What a price you much pay in the end. Excellent end rhyme and alliteration through out. A frightening read with a message to be heeded.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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Your word choices and images echo the dangers of this endless cave diving in a forsaken dessert. Oh, the sights you have seen, the places you've been all in search of gold. What a price you much pay in the end. Excellent end rhyme and alliteration through out. A frightening read with a message to be heeded.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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Hi. Sorry to be so behind in answering these. I do read and appreciate every single word of them. Reviews first always. I'm just somehow buried. But, I'm working on it. I'm pleased you liked this. I did do some work on this one! I'm still laughing at your last senryu!! mikey
Comment from DonandVicki
Nice verse Mikey, I happen to be one of those weekend warrior's, the clan known as the ECV, E Clampus Vitus. We go out prospecting, at least in theory, mostly to camp out, drink and have a good time. I will read your poem at the next doings. Don
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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Nice verse Mikey, I happen to be one of those weekend warrior's, the clan known as the ECV, E Clampus Vitus. We go out prospecting, at least in theory, mostly to camp out, drink and have a good time. I will read your poem at the next doings. Don
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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I keep thinking of digging up the backyard! I used to come out here with my first wife's family to do the ECV thing. Great fun. Don't recall any gold coming home. Hahaha. That's so cool to think you'll read this there. A great honor. Thank you, mikey
Comment from royowen
What a fun poem! I actually enjoyed the stilted uneven meter! It actually added emphasis to the narrative! It was a really well written "tongue firmly embedded in your cheek!" poem!? I do believe some may take it seriously! Great write but, great uneven rhythm, sometime rhyme scheme! Blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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What a fun poem! I actually enjoyed the stilted uneven meter! It actually added emphasis to the narrative! It was a really well written "tongue firmly embedded in your cheek!" poem!? I do believe some may take it seriously! Great write but, great uneven rhythm, sometime rhyme scheme! Blessings, Roy
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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I started to work on the meter, but I liked the wording too much to alter it! Glad you liked this. I had a great time with it. Thank you so much. God bless, mikey
Comment from w.j.debi
This is a wonderful presentation in word, rhyme, color and form. Ooo, such a decent into darkness. Now you must have had fun writing this because the word play is awesome.
Alliteration: sunlight slipping, soundless, flying fast, Surly Sam, Gnashin' Nate, Ripe-Rottin' Randy, Festered Fred,
Onomatopoeia and alliteration combine in snortin' snarls, clackety click n' clack
Love the metaphors...greed's beau and fool's gold soul.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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This is a wonderful presentation in word, rhyme, color and form. Ooo, such a decent into darkness. Now you must have had fun writing this because the word play is awesome.
Alliteration: sunlight slipping, soundless, flying fast, Surly Sam, Gnashin' Nate, Ripe-Rottin' Randy, Festered Fred,
Onomatopoeia and alliteration combine in snortin' snarls, clackety click n' clack
Love the metaphors...greed's beau and fool's gold soul.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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I really did have a great time writing this. When I first started here last year I may have come up with some of this by accident. It feels good to do it on purpose now! I am so delighted that you see everything I tried to do. I can't stop smiling. Thank you so very much!! mikey
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You Re welcome!
Comment from GregoryCody
Whoa. NICELY DONE! Its even better read aloud! I've read it three times to try and get every meaning. River of gold. The devils trick. That's interesting.
The metal's soft as I have dreamed, and youth adorns again.
Fantastic line.
There's no rest or stopping, sad canary's wing's drooping low.
Powerful. Keeps going even though he knows it can easily kill him. Greed pushes many so far, dangerously far.
Wow wow wow. Its beautifully written, great metaphors, assonance and alliteration in W especially that I like. And its Entertaining! Interesting! A true poet my friend. A true poet. FS needs so many more of you. ;)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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Whoa. NICELY DONE! Its even better read aloud! I've read it three times to try and get every meaning. River of gold. The devils trick. That's interesting.
The metal's soft as I have dreamed, and youth adorns again.
Fantastic line.
There's no rest or stopping, sad canary's wing's drooping low.
Powerful. Keeps going even though he knows it can easily kill him. Greed pushes many so far, dangerously far.
Wow wow wow. Its beautifully written, great metaphors, assonance and alliteration in W especially that I like. And its Entertaining! Interesting! A true poet my friend. A true poet. FS needs so many more of you. ;)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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You are too kind. I must admit this was a helluva lot of fun to write. I remember when I first started here and did most of this stuff by accident or just out of raw instinct. Hell, I truly didn't know what any of the terms meant. It is nice to do it on purpose now. I'm learning! Thank you so much. Wow. What a great review. You can write too! You know what you're talking about!! mikey
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Thanks so much Mikey. You deserve it. You know its funny, when I started here I didn't know any of the technical terms, etc. but Visionary1234 and Rama schooled me quickly. I did it all instinctively, still do, but now I can go back and see it. I first came on here with two or three free verses. Within a few months I had nearly forty, of all different styles. They taught me a lot. You should take a stab at iambic meter, sonnets, etc. if you haven't already. I bet yours would be PHENOMENAL. You have such natural talent, its awesome.
Comment from SLHarper
You employ very beautiful imagery and I especially like your play on the notion of The Fall -- of rich depth to be won via a fall, of selling oneself soulless (the bird be damned!) to descend to those depths and hollow out a niche for one's (soon to be) ghost's greed... and, ultimately, of the Devil's hollow "victory" in capturing within his eternal cavern only one more soul of a fool. This poem is a rocky crag of depth with a golden lining. It is harrowing and surreal. Yet, it is also uncomfortably familiar! This is what you do best, Sir Cahill -- you dangle us above the abyss, like in Jonathan Edwards' famous puritanical sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. I think this piece shall move some earth in the contest! Best of luck! Stephie
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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You employ very beautiful imagery and I especially like your play on the notion of The Fall -- of rich depth to be won via a fall, of selling oneself soulless (the bird be damned!) to descend to those depths and hollow out a niche for one's (soon to be) ghost's greed... and, ultimately, of the Devil's hollow "victory" in capturing within his eternal cavern only one more soul of a fool. This poem is a rocky crag of depth with a golden lining. It is harrowing and surreal. Yet, it is also uncomfortably familiar! This is what you do best, Sir Cahill -- you dangle us above the abyss, like in Jonathan Edwards' famous puritanical sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. I think this piece shall move some earth in the contest! Best of luck! Stephie
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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I am so thrilled that you understand every single note of this. I had the greatest fun writing it. I toyed with complying with the whole iambic meter thing, but then I realized that it read exactly as I wanted it too. Such praise. I'll have to avoid mirrors to day. Smiling exposes wrinkles!! Wacky is back by the way. I instructed him to come groveling!! mikey
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You done well, Kimosabe! On all accounts!
Yeah, don't crack any mirrors. You'll get 7 years of bad luck! Lol!
Comment from fastdigits
A most interesting read with great
characters like Surly Sam, followed by
Gnashiin Nate, Ripe-rotten Randy and
finally Festered Fred, all there to make
the greedy one pay the ultimate price
for forsaking everything, even love,
for that shiny metal that they think
can buy anything, but alas, the one
thing, true happiness.
Well done
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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A most interesting read with great
characters like Surly Sam, followed by
Gnashiin Nate, Ripe-rotten Randy and
finally Festered Fred, all there to make
the greedy one pay the ultimate price
for forsaking everything, even love,
for that shiny metal that they think
can buy anything, but alas, the one
thing, true happiness.
Well done
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2014
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What a great encouraging review. I had a lot of fun writing this. I thought about messing with it to make the meter more conforming, but I was too pleased with the way it was just like this. So delighted you enjoyed, mikey
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This was a good poem. The format, gave smooth flow, which kept my interest. excellent descriptions for imagery. Good writ. God bless.
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This was a good poem. The format, gave smooth flow, which kept my interest. excellent descriptions for imagery. Good writ. God bless.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
