Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Asylum and Prayers"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
18 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
Your are starting out with some good rituals. Killing is important. But you can not let yourself become calluses about it. You need to be shift in judgment. You should use justice and air play in all your actions. Great work.
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Your are starting out with some good rituals. Killing is important. But you can not let yourself become calluses about it. You need to be shift in judgment. You should use justice and air play in all your actions. Great work.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Way out of the box thinking on this installment. Nothing new for you. Anxious to hear the rest of Christine's eulogy. Wonderful statement of spirituality. No mention of religion, only the pure essence of true love and faith. Wow. Right in the middle of an already excellent story. I noticed you received a four in review. I would truly love to read the many pieces that are better than this. Well, just hard to believe anyone could find this to be of less quality than half the work on the site. Cannot wait for the next installment. NG
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Way out of the box thinking on this installment. Nothing new for you. Anxious to hear the rest of Christine's eulogy. Wonderful statement of spirituality. No mention of religion, only the pure essence of true love and faith. Wow. Right in the middle of an already excellent story. I noticed you received a four in review. I would truly love to read the many pieces that are better than this. Well, just hard to believe anyone could find this to be of less quality than half the work on the site. Cannot wait for the next installment. NG
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from 24chas
I'm glad you know the number one rule of writing a violent scene: to put in asides that are humorous. :) I liked this chapter. Love the line about spooning with Putin. That really struck me as hilarious. Nice job.
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I'm glad you know the number one rule of writing a violent scene: to put in asides that are humorous. :) I liked this chapter. Love the line about spooning with Putin. That really struck me as hilarious. Nice job.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from Marillion
I wanted to tell my squad that each and every last one of them would be receiving commendations regardless of race, creed or color, but THERE wasn't time.
Good chapter, Mikey. I especially like that you showed human decency to the fallen, and it was a good move for relations with the prisoners. I also think you were wise to make it a short skirmish, as once the head is cut off the snake, you DO have a bit of an edge, and soldiers will hesitate. Nicely done, my friend.
You're right. It IS home now.
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I wanted to tell my squad that each and every last one of them would be receiving commendations regardless of race, creed or color, but THERE wasn't time.
Good chapter, Mikey. I especially like that you showed human decency to the fallen, and it was a good move for relations with the prisoners. I also think you were wise to make it a short skirmish, as once the head is cut off the snake, you DO have a bit of an edge, and soldiers will hesitate. Nicely done, my friend.
You're right. It IS home now.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from Sankey
Good job mate or should I say to the fellow reviewers, good job mates!
All these twists and turns are very interesting. We never know which way you will go. Poetry huh!
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Good job mate or should I say to the fellow reviewers, good job mates!
All these twists and turns are very interesting. We never know which way you will go. Poetry huh!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from Lovinia
Re-review
Hi Mikey
A few more typos mainly, I think.
" ... and action m(a)y have .."
You need to remove the "the" before mid-sentence.
"I didn't bother to ask if she spoke Russian to my credit." ... suggest ... 'To my credit, I didn't bother to ask if she spoke Russian.' - you also get rid of an "I" at the beginning of a sentence.
" ... or we can (get) started now." or "can start now."
"Nikolai deranged expression quickly..." need and apostrophe 's on Nikolai.
"Did I tell you I love her." --- needs a question mark.
There are a few "there" and "their" mix-ups ... I lost them.
Reading again, I had the opportunity to enjoy even more how Johnny handled leadership. Great dialogue. Fix these up, be a good boy and keep looking cute and you get a five. I'll trust you. lol. Hugs - L xoxo
Hi Mikey
This is like the 'blind' leading the 'blind'. I'll have a go at writing suggestions ....
"but their (there) wasn't time."
"in the middle of a sentence." .. tighten here ... "mid-sentence." ... sounds more dramatic, stronger action, after all you shot the guy!! lol
Far too many sentences beginning with "I" in the first para.
"Did I mention that I loved her.(?)" I read about the overuse of 'that' ... I'm nt sure if this is correct ... Did I mention I love her? - present tense.
"I took careful aim. I think it was the commander of this group." - perhaps you could try something like ... I aimed at the commander." Finger taught on the trigger, I dropped my target mid-sentence." The Russians froze. Knife and arrow point aimed at their chests before a breath could be drawn...... or Before a breath could be drawn, my people had them at knife and arrow point.
"I grabbed the nearest soldier to me and with a gun to his head shouted," .... perhaps ...... I raised my gun to the head of the closest (or nearest) soldier. The fact that this is an action chapter and the readers will realise the shouting, tension ... no need to 'hand feed' them.
If you 'tighten' up this whole chapter, it would be much more exciting. I only offer what seems right to me ...... the chapter needs to have a lot of "i"'s removed. Difficult as the character is the narrator.
" spoke in my best commanding voice," - remove the gerund (ing) then command voice is more powerful .... or With dry mouth, I cleared my throat and spoke with as much authority as I could muster. I think this is 'showing' and not 'telling'.
THUS ... Beware the overuse of "i"'s and "that"s ... throughout the whole chapter.
I'm enjoying the story, yet this chapter needs considerable re-work just to make it bit more action-packed and add more tension and intrigue. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Re-review
Hi Mikey
A few more typos mainly, I think.
" ... and action m(a)y have .."
You need to remove the "the" before mid-sentence.
"I didn't bother to ask if she spoke Russian to my credit." ... suggest ... 'To my credit, I didn't bother to ask if she spoke Russian.' - you also get rid of an "I" at the beginning of a sentence.
" ... or we can (get) started now." or "can start now."
"Nikolai deranged expression quickly..." need and apostrophe 's on Nikolai.
"Did I tell you I love her." --- needs a question mark.
There are a few "there" and "their" mix-ups ... I lost them.
Reading again, I had the opportunity to enjoy even more how Johnny handled leadership. Great dialogue. Fix these up, be a good boy and keep looking cute and you get a five. I'll trust you. lol. Hugs - L xoxo
Hi Mikey
This is like the 'blind' leading the 'blind'. I'll have a go at writing suggestions ....
"but their (there) wasn't time."
"in the middle of a sentence." .. tighten here ... "mid-sentence." ... sounds more dramatic, stronger action, after all you shot the guy!! lol
Far too many sentences beginning with "I" in the first para.
"Did I mention that I loved her.(?)" I read about the overuse of 'that' ... I'm nt sure if this is correct ... Did I mention I love her? - present tense.
"I took careful aim. I think it was the commander of this group." - perhaps you could try something like ... I aimed at the commander." Finger taught on the trigger, I dropped my target mid-sentence." The Russians froze. Knife and arrow point aimed at their chests before a breath could be drawn...... or Before a breath could be drawn, my people had them at knife and arrow point.
"I grabbed the nearest soldier to me and with a gun to his head shouted," .... perhaps ...... I raised my gun to the head of the closest (or nearest) soldier. The fact that this is an action chapter and the readers will realise the shouting, tension ... no need to 'hand feed' them.
If you 'tighten' up this whole chapter, it would be much more exciting. I only offer what seems right to me ...... the chapter needs to have a lot of "i"'s removed. Difficult as the character is the narrator.
" spoke in my best commanding voice," - remove the gerund (ing) then command voice is more powerful .... or With dry mouth, I cleared my throat and spoke with as much authority as I could muster. I think this is 'showing' and not 'telling'.
THUS ... Beware the overuse of "i"'s and "that"s ... throughout the whole chapter.
I'm enjoying the story, yet this chapter needs considerable re-work just to make it bit more action-packed and add more tension and intrigue. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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I have two current struggles "I" and "was". When I pay attention to one the other one goes crazy!! They are both so difficult to rework and often to do so produces something really convoluted. Then I get a letter from a publisher telling me that it doesn't matter a bit how often I use "was" because of the tense. He said changing was to something else usually results in unnatural wording and it doesn't change the tense so what is the point. Hahaha. I often spend hours trying to figure out "was"!! I'll work on the "I" thing. It's difficult though. I LOVE you're other suggestions. Yes!! You are so on the money. I need to put that way of thinking in my brain and keep it there. I think I need to develop an editing mode period. I don't really have one unless I'm prompted to like this. It should be part of my routine. I am keeping some of the basics in my head better now. "Really, very, was, I," and things like that. Comma before "but" not after. I started so far behind. But, working on it. Thank you so much for taking the time. It is so appreciated. The examples are EVERYTHING! I get "You are wordy" or "show don't tell" all the time and it doesn't mean a thing to me unless it is pointed out where. Back to work. Hey, you're making me work!!! I'm supposed to just sit here and look cute! mikey
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I edited quite a bit and managed to eliminate most of the I's. Tried to follow your other ideas as well. "That's" seem to be one that war may be declared on. I remove them and I am told to put them in. I put them in and I am told to remove them. I no longer mention them in reviews. Hahaha. When I read something it doesn't bother me either way. It reads smooth to me with it or without it. Take a peek if you have a chance. Thanks again, It is better! mikey
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Nice job, comrade, I am well familar with the Russians, they were our arch rivals during the Reagon era. We mined and rigged a heap of Russian ships, taking pictures at 200 feet with high speed shutters, the AO took the pictures. I could tell you a story, I will tell you later, something I did as we flew over a Russian ship. I dropped them a present, remember that poem you did about the dog shit, it was human fecal matter in a sack, dropped her through the free fall shoot, bombs away. Last thing I remember was that burly Russian giving me the universal sign language, the bird. That was a Kodak moment, no harm done? You must of done some research on Russia, them AK-47 have a distinctive sound, I know, I had one pulled on me once, going out to take a leak near Berbera, Somalia, not far from Ethiopia, I been around. Hope you are still up, this is getting interesting, how many more chapters do you have planned? You got plenty of imagination, no need for you to worry, you nearly slayed that SPAG demon, so it's open waters, smooth sailing, lets hope fan story doesn't go haywire. later Lion King,
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Nice job, comrade, I am well familar with the Russians, they were our arch rivals during the Reagon era. We mined and rigged a heap of Russian ships, taking pictures at 200 feet with high speed shutters, the AO took the pictures. I could tell you a story, I will tell you later, something I did as we flew over a Russian ship. I dropped them a present, remember that poem you did about the dog shit, it was human fecal matter in a sack, dropped her through the free fall shoot, bombs away. Last thing I remember was that burly Russian giving me the universal sign language, the bird. That was a Kodak moment, no harm done? You must of done some research on Russia, them AK-47 have a distinctive sound, I know, I had one pulled on me once, going out to take a leak near Berbera, Somalia, not far from Ethiopia, I been around. Hope you are still up, this is getting interesting, how many more chapters do you have planned? You got plenty of imagination, no need for you to worry, you nearly slayed that SPAG demon, so it's open waters, smooth sailing, lets hope fan story doesn't go haywire. later Lion King,
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
Comment from seaglass
Every sing time I review your work, I receive a pump or leprechaun money. Either you are charmed or own stock in Fanstory. LOL
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Every sing time I review your work, I receive a pump or leprechaun money. Either you are charmed or own stock in Fanstory. LOL
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
