Cold Metal
Homeless Veteran70 total reviews
Comment from Andrewajgblue
This is truly great , it's a really difficult rhyming style, but you make it seem effortless, I love the wording and the narrative is so strong, you really empathise, well done, thank you
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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This is truly great , it's a really difficult rhyming style, but you make it seem effortless, I love the wording and the narrative is so strong, you really empathise, well done, thank you
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Andrew, for your great review! I appreciate it.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Enjoyed this a lot David. Many men who survived the war were never the same again. They suffered not only physical wounds but mental ones as well, which could be sometimes worse. I think if your stanzas were split into 3 lines each it would read easier. ie the four stanzas into eight - aba space cbc. Just a thought in what is, in any case, a very good poem. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Enjoyed this a lot David. Many men who survived the war were never the same again. They suffered not only physical wounds but mental ones as well, which could be sometimes worse. I think if your stanzas were split into 3 lines each it would read easier. ie the four stanzas into eight - aba space cbc. Just a thought in what is, in any case, a very good poem. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Dorothy, for your sixer, and for your suggestion. I'll consider it, but I think I like the sestet for this one.
Comment from Pili Pubul
You wrote as always a perfect poem , from style , rhyme , word choice.
But the subject is one that obsess me, it is so incredible that those who
where ready to die for their country are neglected, forgotten and many right now are homeless. Thank you my friend for your very meaningful poem. Pili. ( it deserves a six... But ... Gone)
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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You wrote as always a perfect poem , from style , rhyme , word choice.
But the subject is one that obsess me, it is so incredible that those who
where ready to die for their country are neglected, forgotten and many right now are homeless. Thank you my friend for your very meaningful poem. Pili. ( it deserves a six... But ... Gone)
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, my friend, for your understanding, kind words, and virtual sixer. :)
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You are so welcome. ;--)
Comment from paulah60
A sobering piece, this one, David. It's sad that many can't map over the imprint of the survival mode they needed to exist in during their terrible war experience. Without somehow finding a way to process the trauma though, it seems that survival, rather than fully living, becomes their mode of being. Little wonder their sanity is compromised.
As always, you use some powerful metaphors to shape your poem. Favourites: 'metal's hiss-and-ping'; 'the orchestra of ricochets'.
One small nit in the first stanza:
'The passersby, oblivious to him,
rush home to be with families and fires
as he observes the light of Friday dim,
then fade into the frigid shade of night.' I suspect 'fade' relates to the passersby, but because it follows 'he observes', it seems to relate back to him, in which case it would be 'fades'. If it does refer to the passersby (and is meant to be plural), might it help to parenthesize 'as he observes the light of Friday dim'?
I had to go back over it a couple of times and it still didn't feel quite right. Maybe I'm just being anal, but I rarely get stuck on any of your lines.
A very sensitive and respectful write, a kind of tribute to the brave ones who served, and were not given their due.
Cheers
Paula
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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A sobering piece, this one, David. It's sad that many can't map over the imprint of the survival mode they needed to exist in during their terrible war experience. Without somehow finding a way to process the trauma though, it seems that survival, rather than fully living, becomes their mode of being. Little wonder their sanity is compromised.
As always, you use some powerful metaphors to shape your poem. Favourites: 'metal's hiss-and-ping'; 'the orchestra of ricochets'.
One small nit in the first stanza:
'The passersby, oblivious to him,
rush home to be with families and fires
as he observes the light of Friday dim,
then fade into the frigid shade of night.' I suspect 'fade' relates to the passersby, but because it follows 'he observes', it seems to relate back to him, in which case it would be 'fades'. If it does refer to the passersby (and is meant to be plural), might it help to parenthesize 'as he observes the light of Friday dim'?
I had to go back over it a couple of times and it still didn't feel quite right. Maybe I'm just being anal, but I rarely get stuck on any of your lines.
A very sensitive and respectful write, a kind of tribute to the brave ones who served, and were not given their due.
Cheers
Paula
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, my friend, for your kind thoughts. Actually, since I was referring to the light fading, I do need to change the tense of 'fade' to 'fades'. I made a late change, and that one slipped by me. Thank you, Paula!
Comment from GregoryCody
Wow this is fantastic. I love your meter, still tricky to me. Sad powerful story, theme. Very descriptive, tremendous tone.
are like the orchestra of ricochets
WOW
This is a great piece with a strong cadence. Nicely done. Well deserved.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Wow this is fantastic. I love your meter, still tricky to me. Sad powerful story, theme. Very descriptive, tremendous tone.
are like the orchestra of ricochets
WOW
This is a great piece with a strong cadence. Nicely done. Well deserved.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Gregory, for that nice sixer, and for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Tatarka2
This really deserves a 6, as so many of yours do, but I've resolved not to give them all away at once again. It seems here that you've caught the essence of this homeless man - and with such compassion! The title is perfect, too, as is the black and white photo. Congratulations. I think this is actually one of your best, because of its descriptive power and its compassion and understanding of the subject.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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This really deserves a 6, as so many of yours do, but I've resolved not to give them all away at once again. It seems here that you've caught the essence of this homeless man - and with such compassion! The title is perfect, too, as is the black and white photo. Congratulations. I think this is actually one of your best, because of its descriptive power and its compassion and understanding of the subject.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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No worries, my friend. I appreciate it all the same. Thank you so much! David
Comment from rama devi
Powerful and poignant, dear friend. Finely crafted too--what an interested rhyme scheme. Sounds musical read aloud. Flawless meter and flow--as usual! Superb phonetics--also as usual!
The passersby, oblivious to him,
rush home to be with families and fires
as he observes the light of Friday dim,
then fade into the frigid shade of night.
Superb alliteration on F and assonance of I. Poignant descriptive scene description
He watches bustling crowds -- the grocery buyers,
executives convening for a bite--
Awesome lines--the sad irony of them buying groceries while he starves. Superb alliteration on B.
and he remembers doing much the same
before he lost his wife and child and trade,
a grunt the Army trained to kill and maim,
but one who sits now in a hopeless trance,
a coffee can in hand, requesting aid,
but thinking of a bloody beach in France.
The closing line of this stanza gave me goosebumps. Superb rhyming, too. Such a tragic portrayal. Ouch!
He watched Lieutenant Murphy sink and drown;
watched Sergeant Hart dismantle, blown apart;
saw hundreds fall as Germans gunned them down;
felt all the shrapnel cuts the salt would sting;
and thought of how the air, when they would dart
to cover, rang with metal's hiss-and-ping.
Graphic and intense--this paints a vivid inner landscape of what your poor character relives daily. I think the semicolons are jarring--would strongly recommend using commas instead.
The coins that drop now in his coffee can
are like the orchestra of ricochets
around him on that beach, where every man
expected he would be the next to die.
Awesome parallel there..eloquently conveyed. This phrasing is particularly remarkable: orchestra of ricochets
He had survived, though, to complete his days
collecting coins -- and scorn -- from passersby.
Superb alliteration and consonance of C and consonance of S. However, the flow of the first line sounds forced, especially read aloud--especially on TO COMPLETE.
If you're happy with the wording, it's fine, but here's a thought (feel free to use, of course):
Though he had he now completes his days
collecting coins -- and scorn -- from passersby.
Much Love,
rd
PS Almost a six, but I have none left, alas.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Powerful and poignant, dear friend. Finely crafted too--what an interested rhyme scheme. Sounds musical read aloud. Flawless meter and flow--as usual! Superb phonetics--also as usual!
The passersby, oblivious to him,
rush home to be with families and fires
as he observes the light of Friday dim,
then fade into the frigid shade of night.
Superb alliteration on F and assonance of I. Poignant descriptive scene description
He watches bustling crowds -- the grocery buyers,
executives convening for a bite--
Awesome lines--the sad irony of them buying groceries while he starves. Superb alliteration on B.
and he remembers doing much the same
before he lost his wife and child and trade,
a grunt the Army trained to kill and maim,
but one who sits now in a hopeless trance,
a coffee can in hand, requesting aid,
but thinking of a bloody beach in France.
The closing line of this stanza gave me goosebumps. Superb rhyming, too. Such a tragic portrayal. Ouch!
He watched Lieutenant Murphy sink and drown;
watched Sergeant Hart dismantle, blown apart;
saw hundreds fall as Germans gunned them down;
felt all the shrapnel cuts the salt would sting;
and thought of how the air, when they would dart
to cover, rang with metal's hiss-and-ping.
Graphic and intense--this paints a vivid inner landscape of what your poor character relives daily. I think the semicolons are jarring--would strongly recommend using commas instead.
The coins that drop now in his coffee can
are like the orchestra of ricochets
around him on that beach, where every man
expected he would be the next to die.
Awesome parallel there..eloquently conveyed. This phrasing is particularly remarkable: orchestra of ricochets
He had survived, though, to complete his days
collecting coins -- and scorn -- from passersby.
Superb alliteration and consonance of C and consonance of S. However, the flow of the first line sounds forced, especially read aloud--especially on TO COMPLETE.
If you're happy with the wording, it's fine, but here's a thought (feel free to use, of course):
Though he had he now completes his days
collecting coins -- and scorn -- from passersby.
Much Love,
rd
PS Almost a six, but I have none left, alas.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Rama, as always, for your sharp eye and ear. I'm not, however, sure what the problem was there at the end, but perhaps 'and completes' would be better. As always, I appreciate it.
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Yes, it was the accent TO that sounded off to my ear...unnatural. AND COMPLETES works fine. :)
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TO works, too, though.
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Works, but sounds odd to me--might be a matter of diction.
Comment from Muffins
Again, you have brought magic to words. You've shown not only compassion for this person in his present state but also his past. I've hurry by these men many times in NYU never bothering to see them as they might have been before the madness, hopeless settled in their soul. Thanks for creating a poem that not only respects these men but hugs them as well.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Again, you have brought magic to words. You've shown not only compassion for this person in his present state but also his past. I've hurry by these men many times in NYU never bothering to see them as they might have been before the madness, hopeless settled in their soul. Thanks for creating a poem that not only respects these men but hugs them as well.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Muffins, for your great review, your sixer, and for your very kind words. I appreciate it!
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
From several stories of survivors of armed conflict, conscience and bad memories seem to be a battle scar, a cripple that lingersWounded minds are not so easily rehabilitated, and can be hard to treat.
It seems ironic taht any veteran of American military service would suffer the indignity of begging with a cold coffee tin in hand.
Don
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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From several stories of survivors of armed conflict, conscience and bad memories seem to be a battle scar, a cripple that lingersWounded minds are not so easily rehabilitated, and can be hard to treat.
It seems ironic taht any veteran of American military service would suffer the indignity of begging with a cold coffee tin in hand.
Don
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Don, for your great and insightful review.
Comment from emrpoems
Don't have a six or you would certainly have it.
Although the message here is a cruel one the art and skill with which it was written overshadows that.
executives convening for a bite--
a coffee can in hand, requesting aid,
but thinking of a bloody beach in France.
loved these expressions which creates vivid imagery of the contrasting men on he street
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
|
Don't have a six or you would certainly have it.
Although the message here is a cruel one the art and skill with which it was written overshadows that.
executives convening for a bite--
a coffee can in hand, requesting aid,
but thinking of a bloody beach in France.
loved these expressions which creates vivid imagery of the contrasting men on he street
Comment Written 19-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, emr. I really appreciate that! David
