Cold Metal
Homeless Veteran70 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
Damn, as a basic member I am not allowed to give 6 stars, so at least virtual sixers ****** and one additional * ;)
This was a very powerful poem and I am glad that Norbanus sent me here. Strong story and perfect execution. You told this tragic story of a brave man and painted a picture of pain, bravery, cruelty of war and the irony of life.
The stanzas flew smoothly, there was nothing that would throw me from teh reading flow. Emotionaly charged piece, very orignal theme and way of writing. Once somebody who reviewed me used this beautiful expression - a poem with attitude - I believe this is the case when I can use it, because this poem had a strong voice, attitude and message.
Brilliant job!!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Damn, as a basic member I am not allowed to give 6 stars, so at least virtual sixers ****** and one additional * ;)
This was a very powerful poem and I am glad that Norbanus sent me here. Strong story and perfect execution. You told this tragic story of a brave man and painted a picture of pain, bravery, cruelty of war and the irony of life.
The stanzas flew smoothly, there was nothing that would throw me from teh reading flow. Emotionaly charged piece, very orignal theme and way of writing. Once somebody who reviewed me used this beautiful expression - a poem with attitude - I believe this is the case when I can use it, because this poem had a strong voice, attitude and message.
Brilliant job!!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Tina, for your incredibly kind review, and to Fred for sending you over. I gratefully accept and appreciate your virtual sixer. :)
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Yes , this is a sad tale of a soldier never being able to forget the sights and sounds of battle, then to end up loosing his family and ending up on the streets. Very nicely told and the photo and black/grey setting goes well with this story.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Yes , this is a sad tale of a soldier never being able to forget the sights and sounds of battle, then to end up loosing his family and ending up on the streets. Very nicely told and the photo and black/grey setting goes well with this story.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Pearl!
Comment from Maria C.
Our veterans really are the ones still paying the price of war. So many repercussions from what they experienced. You describe this with great details. Such good wording with, " felt all the shrapnel cuts the salt would sting." Super simile with, "The coins that drop now in his coffee can are like the orchestra of ricochets around him on that beach." As always super rhyme and meter.
Well thought out and written.
Blessings,
Maria C.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Our veterans really are the ones still paying the price of war. So many repercussions from what they experienced. You describe this with great details. Such good wording with, " felt all the shrapnel cuts the salt would sting." Super simile with, "The coins that drop now in his coffee can are like the orchestra of ricochets around him on that beach." As always super rhyme and meter.
Well thought out and written.
Blessings,
Maria C.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Maria, thank you SO much for that sixer, my friend, and for your really kind review.
Comment from DALLAS01
The first stanza of this poem that deals with hunger and plenty grabs the readers attention right off the bat.
Your next stanza introduces us to a real person inside the word homeless and gives him an identity.
The third stanza not only tells his story but cleverly ties the title into your last stanza which is the contrasting sound of metal that has two entirely different meanings.
You have employed Strong images, both concrete and abstract, to remind the reader that people do not choose to
be homeless, but that circumstances, often beyond their control, place them at the mercy of the apathetic passer by.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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The first stanza of this poem that deals with hunger and plenty grabs the readers attention right off the bat.
Your next stanza introduces us to a real person inside the word homeless and gives him an identity.
The third stanza not only tells his story but cleverly ties the title into your last stanza which is the contrasting sound of metal that has two entirely different meanings.
You have employed Strong images, both concrete and abstract, to remind the reader that people do not choose to
be homeless, but that circumstances, often beyond their control, place them at the mercy of the apathetic passer by.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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DALLAS, thank you so much for your sixer and for your wonderfully insightful and thorough review. I appreciate it!
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You're welcome.
Comment from 1954speed
OUTSTANDING! This poem tells of how many great men ended after serving their country. These vetrans were never treated for PTSD. I knew a man who served in the Navy in WWII and he would go back there every time he drank. He would weep and call the names of fallen comrades. the war never let him completely go home. Truly a sad, sad story well depicted in your poem
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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OUTSTANDING! This poem tells of how many great men ended after serving their country. These vetrans were never treated for PTSD. I knew a man who served in the Navy in WWII and he would go back there every time he drank. He would weep and call the names of fallen comrades. the war never let him completely go home. Truly a sad, sad story well depicted in your poem
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, 1954speed, for your wonderfully flattering review and for the sixer. Your story is definitely a common one. Bless those poor souls who gave so much, and never received back what they deserved.
Comment from Jacq77
This poem is a masterpiece. Exquisitely written, you have brought to light the tragedy of many veterans. Haunted by all they have seen and heard, they are no longer able to fit into our world. More help for these sad and broken souls is what is sorely needed. The world fails them on a massive scale, and it breaks my heart. Superb job with this one, worth every one of the six stars.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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This poem is a masterpiece. Exquisitely written, you have brought to light the tragedy of many veterans. Haunted by all they have seen and heard, they are no longer able to fit into our world. More help for these sad and broken souls is what is sorely needed. The world fails them on a massive scale, and it breaks my heart. Superb job with this one, worth every one of the six stars.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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What a gratifying review, Jacq. Thank you SO much for that validating sixer, for your wise and compassionate comments, and for your kind words.
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You are very welcome. :-)
Comment from rouskin
After so many years The Sun Also Rises and another Lost Generation sounds like enchanted circle of life Unfortunately some are dying while some are only passing by...
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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After so many years The Sun Also Rises and another Lost Generation sounds like enchanted circle of life Unfortunately some are dying while some are only passing by...
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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So true, my friend. Thank you!
Comment from darknessgone
Oh my Gosh I wish I had a six to give to you for this! It's so sad that our vets fight for our freedom but when they come home they suffer from PTSD and typically are forced to live on the streets! Wonderful piece! Thank you SO much for sharing!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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Oh my Gosh I wish I had a six to give to you for this! It's so sad that our vets fight for our freedom but when they come home they suffer from PTSD and typically are forced to live on the streets! Wonderful piece! Thank you SO much for sharing!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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No worres, my friend. I appreciate the virtual sixer, and your very kind and understanding review. Thank you.
Comment from Rondeno
If I rarely comment in detail on your use of rhyme, it's because you are a master, and there's very little I can usefully say. Deft, economic and unwaveringly clever, your stanzas are there for all to admire.
As for the theme ... People often try to do a let's-all-get-emotional-about-Iraq/Vietnam/Afghanistan-Vets kind of deal. Almost always, it turns out dreadful. Why?
I think that attempts to produce a "conventional" lament end up as cliche-ridden, empty, flabby gab.
You, on the other hand, (1) choose another conflict - one over which there can be little argument regarding its moral necessity: (2) build a superb contrast between the safe, routine-bound "us" and the lost, miserable "them": and (3) you know that dignity comes with restraint.
Your poem is an absolute marvel, David.
So, nothing new to report!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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If I rarely comment in detail on your use of rhyme, it's because you are a master, and there's very little I can usefully say. Deft, economic and unwaveringly clever, your stanzas are there for all to admire.
As for the theme ... People often try to do a let's-all-get-emotional-about-Iraq/Vietnam/Afghanistan-Vets kind of deal. Almost always, it turns out dreadful. Why?
I think that attempts to produce a "conventional" lament end up as cliche-ridden, empty, flabby gab.
You, on the other hand, (1) choose another conflict - one over which there can be little argument regarding its moral necessity: (2) build a superb contrast between the safe, routine-bound "us" and the lost, miserable "them": and (3) you know that dignity comes with restraint.
Your poem is an absolute marvel, David.
So, nothing new to report!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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Mike, you're very kind, my friend, and even your reviews display your mastery over poetry, prose, and flattery. Thank you so much, brother. I tried to avoid exactly what you referred to.
Comment from Domino 2
Interesting and very sad notes, followed by the reflected poetic words, David.
Lots of disturbing imagery of the beach, and I found, 'rang with metal's hiss-and-ping' particularly descriptive.
Last line is very ironic and desperate, and it makes one think this poor guy would have been better off dying on the beach with his brave comrades.
A sixer from me.
Cheers, Ted
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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Interesting and very sad notes, followed by the reflected poetic words, David.
Lots of disturbing imagery of the beach, and I found, 'rang with metal's hiss-and-ping' particularly descriptive.
Last line is very ironic and desperate, and it makes one think this poor guy would have been better off dying on the beach with his brave comrades.
A sixer from me.
Cheers, Ted
Comment Written 20-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, my friend, for that sixer, and for your great review. I really appreciate it!
