Ashe To Snow
Progress?31 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding commentary with satirical overtones and a powerful AHA closing line. Very effective! Great originality too.
Superb structure and crafting as ever, with flawless meter, great rhymes and phonetics
NOTES
I drive up Ashe Street, past the shotgun shacks
that were constructed thirty years ago
as subsidized apartments for the poor.
Great opening setting the scene and with superb consonance and alliteration of S
I saw the plans--a strip mall down to Snow
as rangy as a line of Kerouac's:
a sandwich shop, a huge Verizon store,
a chiropractor, and a Cup O' Joe.
Wow--what awesome rhyming. Great job on these lines, both with phonetics and content. All those P, S and C sounds--well woven.
Construction will commence the first of June,
but first, machines--like growling gods!--will clear
the row of homes that, up to now, withstood
the signs of change-- a sign, now posted near,
announces, Ashe Street Plaza. Coming soon!
Awesome depiction: machines--like growling gods--Bravo!
Superb alliteration of C, G, W , N and A as well. Great rhymes.
It should include, though, for the neighborhood,
You can't come home, unless you're shopping here.
Potent commentary. Gave me goose bumps. Good consonance of D between include and neighborhood.
Kudos.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
  |
Outstanding commentary with satirical overtones and a powerful AHA closing line. Very effective! Great originality too.
Superb structure and crafting as ever, with flawless meter, great rhymes and phonetics
NOTES
I drive up Ashe Street, past the shotgun shacks
that were constructed thirty years ago
as subsidized apartments for the poor.
Great opening setting the scene and with superb consonance and alliteration of S
I saw the plans--a strip mall down to Snow
as rangy as a line of Kerouac's:
a sandwich shop, a huge Verizon store,
a chiropractor, and a Cup O' Joe.
Wow--what awesome rhyming. Great job on these lines, both with phonetics and content. All those P, S and C sounds--well woven.
Construction will commence the first of June,
but first, machines--like growling gods!--will clear
the row of homes that, up to now, withstood
the signs of change-- a sign, now posted near,
announces, Ashe Street Plaza. Coming soon!
Awesome depiction: machines--like growling gods--Bravo!
Superb alliteration of C, G, W , N and A as well. Great rhymes.
It should include, though, for the neighborhood,
You can't come home, unless you're shopping here.
Potent commentary. Gave me goose bumps. Good consonance of D between include and neighborhood.
Kudos.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Well, my dear friend, you certainly get a sixer for this fantastic and thorough review. Thanks so much, Rama, for your usual attention to detail and for the kind use of the six. I so appreciate you.
-
You too! :-)))
Comment from Norbanus
There coming here (Just like they did before)
they cleared it once. Now, they'll do it some more.
One place the Gods reward mistaken fools.
Those big mistakes require the biggest tools.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
 |
There coming here (Just like they did before)
they cleared it once. Now, they'll do it some more.
One place the Gods reward mistaken fools.
Those big mistakes require the biggest tools.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
NICE, Norbanus. Great stuff, my friend, and thanks so much.
Comment from closetpoetjester
Gotta make way for progress I guess. An expert description of you witnessing the plans as you reveal how people's lives and histories are erased by greedy developers and growling machinery gods. Hell bent on establishing more concrete jungles, the delicate ecosystems of suburbia are unfortunately dollar driven out of residential areas to make way for future shopping frenzies. Great closer.
P
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
Gotta make way for progress I guess. An expert description of you witnessing the plans as you reveal how people's lives and histories are erased by greedy developers and growling machinery gods. Hell bent on establishing more concrete jungles, the delicate ecosystems of suburbia are unfortunately dollar driven out of residential areas to make way for future shopping frenzies. Great closer.
P
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
As always, m'lady, you get me, and that's SO why I love going deep with you. Thanks so much for your kindred understanding.
-
Well I'm not much for shallow.
Comment from Janet Foor
Great through provoking poem. I couldn't help but think of Joni Mitchells song: They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. I know they think they are tearing down shacks and such but it may be a home (a paradise) to someone.
And all in the name of progress.
Well done
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
Great through provoking poem. I couldn't help but think of Joni Mitchells song: They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. I know they think they are tearing down shacks and such but it may be a home (a paradise) to someone.
And all in the name of progress.
Well done
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Janet, thank you so much. I have to admit that that very song popped into my head, too. I appreciate the great review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
I moan. Strip malls to strip the precious memories away, as if time were not enough.
David, you 'speak' in a language that brings it to life, no matter what the subject it seems...as always, brilliant! I am already out of sixes for the week, having done a fair bit of reviewing since Saturday, midnight, but as I've said before, I've never seen ANYTHING you've written that isn't exceptional!
******************!!!
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
I moan. Strip malls to strip the precious memories away, as if time were not enough.
David, you 'speak' in a language that brings it to life, no matter what the subject it seems...as always, brilliant! I am already out of sixes for the week, having done a fair bit of reviewing since Saturday, midnight, but as I've said before, I've never seen ANYTHING you've written that isn't exceptional!
******************!!!
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Thank you so much, Dawn. Virtual sixes are valuable to me, too, and I appreciate them, and you, greatly. :)
-
You are so welcome!
Comment from Tatarka2
This is so evocative. Anyone who has ever tried to go "home," and found it indescribably changed, will relate to the sadness that lingers beneath the rhyme. As always, I'm in awe of your ability to stay within the format, and send an evocative message, even when the subject is an everyday, mundane experience like this one.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
This is so evocative. Anyone who has ever tried to go "home," and found it indescribably changed, will relate to the sadness that lingers beneath the rhyme. As always, I'm in awe of your ability to stay within the format, and send an evocative message, even when the subject is an everyday, mundane experience like this one.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
That's very kind, my friend. Thanks so much for your flattering words. I do appreciate them. David
Comment from vapros
Urban renewal waits for no man. Never try to reminisce with a guy driving a machine that runs on steel tracks. Domestic memories? Not for him. Good work, David.
Bill
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
Urban renewal waits for no man. Never try to reminisce with a guy driving a machine that runs on steel tracks. Domestic memories? Not for him. Good work, David.
Bill
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Thanks so much, Bill. Unfortunately the one with bigger toys usually wins.
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
Another way for developers to make money, that's all. A year or two from now they'll be like mini ghost towns. I like the rhyme scheme you chose to work with; it gave the verse a causal neighborhood feel--conversational. I'm a reader of Kerouac but for the life of me can't grasp the significance of that line. What I admire most is the way you put ordinary language to work here, like heavy equipment. It reads so easy and natural that it's almost natural to over look the intense wit that built it. Some people, myself included, claim to dream in Technicolor; maybe you converse in your dreams in iambics. Kenny
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
Another way for developers to make money, that's all. A year or two from now they'll be like mini ghost towns. I like the rhyme scheme you chose to work with; it gave the verse a causal neighborhood feel--conversational. I'm a reader of Kerouac but for the life of me can't grasp the significance of that line. What I admire most is the way you put ordinary language to work here, like heavy equipment. It reads so easy and natural that it's almost natural to over look the intense wit that built it. Some people, myself included, claim to dream in Technicolor; maybe you converse in your dreams in iambics. Kenny
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Thanks so much, my friend, for that sixer, and for your very flattering comments.
The Kerouac line refers to the stream-of-consciousness rambling of this writing, just as the strip mall is random in its tenants. Too vague?
As always, Kenny, I truly appreciate it.
-
The rambling of the strip mall! Got it. The vagueness is on this end. Thank you.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Progress. The word doesn't always connote good things to everyone. Where do the displaced go? I can't imagine being uprooted from my home because it's not good enough... because I'm not good enough to care about?
Well done, David. Those strip malls become eyesores themselves in five years, with empty storefronts endlessly changing hands, desperately trying to survive where they don't belong.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
Progress. The word doesn't always connote good things to everyone. Where do the displaced go? I can't imagine being uprooted from my home because it's not good enough... because I'm not good enough to care about?
Well done, David. Those strip malls become eyesores themselves in five years, with empty storefronts endlessly changing hands, desperately trying to survive where they don't belong.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Thanks so much, Phyllis. You and I are of a mind on this issue, and I appreciate it.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, marillion, you did an excellent job writing this poem about the way homes are being knocked down for another shopping mall. some malls in our city have half of their stores closed, but more malls keep going up
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
|
this is very well written, marillion, you did an excellent job writing this poem about the way homes are being knocked down for another shopping mall. some malls in our city have half of their stores closed, but more malls keep going up
Comment Written 10-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
-
Thank you very much, my friend. Yes, it's amazing that they can't fill the spaces, and yet they still build more.
