Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The David Vernon McMahon Diet"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
19 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. It does contain things that you do not find with conventional society. Murder and cannibalism is necessary in a survival society. Once you decide to kill you have crossed a line. There may be a very good reason for the first kill. You may need less and less reason for the second or third kill. Once you decide cannibalism is necessary, you have to be careful not to stay on that side when it is no longer necessary. Except what is necessary for today, but make plans for a better tomorrow. Great work.
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I love the story. It does contain things that you do not find with conventional society. Murder and cannibalism is necessary in a survival society. Once you decide to kill you have crossed a line. There may be a very good reason for the first kill. You may need less and less reason for the second or third kill. Once you decide cannibalism is necessary, you have to be careful not to stay on that side when it is no longer necessary. Except what is necessary for today, but make plans for a better tomorrow. Great work.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Sasha
you are doing a great job with this but I am not sure if I can read much more detail about cannibalism. I understand their needs but my brain and stomach are pretty shaky when comes to this. Even in the book about the Peruvian soccer team that crashed in the Andes and survived by cannibalizing the dead, was written with less detail. I fear you may lose a lot of readers because of this...of course I could very well be wrong. I plan to stick with this until I know I cannot go any further. Hopefully that time will never come.
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you are doing a great job with this but I am not sure if I can read much more detail about cannibalism. I understand their needs but my brain and stomach are pretty shaky when comes to this. Even in the book about the Peruvian soccer team that crashed in the Andes and survived by cannibalizing the dead, was written with less detail. I fear you may lose a lot of readers because of this...of course I could very well be wrong. I plan to stick with this until I know I cannot go any further. Hopefully that time will never come.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from ravenblack
So they hesitate to kill and eat a poodle but cannibalize one of their own murdered compatriots while joking about a wiener roast? Pretty disturbing. I think they , including the narrator, ate beginning to unravel even more.
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So they hesitate to kill and eat a poodle but cannibalize one of their own murdered compatriots while joking about a wiener roast? Pretty disturbing. I think they , including the narrator, ate beginning to unravel even more.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from robina1978
This chapter is truly gruesome. I knew they talked about killing the mentally ill patients but now they are doing it. And worse use them as food.
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This chapter is truly gruesome. I knew they talked about killing the mentally ill patients but now they are doing it. And worse use them as food.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Marillion
Best chapter yet, Mikey, and I suppose it has to do with moving away from the scene-setting stage and into the action stage where everything has been done but the true advancement of the story line. You weren't kidding when you said you had plans for my namesake, and I appreciate the inevitable dark humor that would accompany this kind of development.
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Best chapter yet, Mikey, and I suppose it has to do with moving away from the scene-setting stage and into the action stage where everything has been done but the true advancement of the story line. You weren't kidding when you said you had plans for my namesake, and I appreciate the inevitable dark humor that would accompany this kind of development.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Another solid chapter, if somewhat surprising. The speed and ease with which they embraced murder and cannibalism was quite disturbing. I was also disturbed at attack. So blatant and uncaring if they got caught. If I were in that group, I would leave. You never know what people will do on e they get a taste for blood. Your 'survivors' are dehumanizing quickly now. Will anyone get out alive? Good chapter.
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Another solid chapter, if somewhat surprising. The speed and ease with which they embraced murder and cannibalism was quite disturbing. I was also disturbed at attack. So blatant and uncaring if they got caught. If I were in that group, I would leave. You never know what people will do on e they get a taste for blood. Your 'survivors' are dehumanizing quickly now. Will anyone get out alive? Good chapter.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I am not very fond of violence and feel you should be a little wary of adding too much of it as it may not have mass appeal. I think your writing skills are beyond having to add scenes which may be offensive. You should always have an eye on marketability. I worked in an advertising agency in the USA till about 2000 and do know a little bit about this side of things. I am not trying to be too critical, but don't want you to get carried away with this. I also noted you have rushed your writing as the errors are becoming more noticeable. I know it can be fixed later, but you shouldn't be rushing it. I really think that you as an author don't need a lot of help from others, your skills are patently adequate and it may be a mistake to take too much on board from elsewhere. I hope you don't think I am trying to lecture you, I don't like to be lectured either! But it is meant to be positive unlike the souls who want to debase everyone's writing because they cannot write themselves (as you mentioned in your recent commentary)I hope I haven't offended you by my attempts to be honest. It is still a well written story, but I really cringe at violence, I can't help it. Faye
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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I am not very fond of violence and feel you should be a little wary of adding too much of it as it may not have mass appeal. I think your writing skills are beyond having to add scenes which may be offensive. You should always have an eye on marketability. I worked in an advertising agency in the USA till about 2000 and do know a little bit about this side of things. I am not trying to be too critical, but don't want you to get carried away with this. I also noted you have rushed your writing as the errors are becoming more noticeable. I know it can be fixed later, but you shouldn't be rushing it. I really think that you as an author don't need a lot of help from others, your skills are patently adequate and it may be a mistake to take too much on board from elsewhere. I hope you don't think I am trying to lecture you, I don't like to be lectured either! But it is meant to be positive unlike the souls who want to debase everyone's writing because they cannot write themselves (as you mentioned in your recent commentary)I hope I haven't offended you by my attempts to be honest. It is still a well written story, but I really cringe at violence, I can't help it. Faye
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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I did start to edit this quite a bit for the reason you point out. It was worse! More errors than normal probably slipped through because I edited in the Fanstory editor instead of Word. Word seems more strict. The editor here doesn't seem to correct much of anything. Maybe I'm not using it correctly. I do appreciate this feedback and don't take it negatively at all. It is what I want to hear. I don't recall anything worse than this in the story. I thought this was necessary to show the desperation of the situation. Perhaps a bit much like you say though. I'll keep it in mind as I continue. There is already another chapter up, see what you think. There is a little violence, but nothing like this. Thanks for your input as always, mikey
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Here is how these lines should be written, as three paragraphs. Never put "said" in one paragraph and the words he/she said in the next. They must be together.
Christine and I started a mock argument over which of us would eat his brain which our compatriots nervously laughed at.
Suddenly Christine jumped up, pointed her finger at Tonnie, and said, "We don't have to argue about his wiener at least. She ate that!"
"No I didn't!" she exclaimed. "It's right there." << Note punctuation change and capital I.
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I don't blame them for eating the guy... why not? Not very nice to kill him, but once he's dead...
You really need more dialogue and less narrative. Let your characters tell the story. You just record what they say and do. A story with so many characters should be at least 25% dialogue ,probably more.
Show, don't tell, remember? Put some action and suspense in it. So many opportunities to do that with this situation! Don't just tell us what happened.... let the characters do it and carry on conversations, argue, etc. while they do it. Like the discussion about it being a good idea to kill off the crazies from earlier. In fact, I'd put a lot more tension and disagreement and conflict there. THe decision was too easy. You should have someone with ethics/morals that says it's wrong no matter waht. That will draw the reader into the story and make them THINK about what THEY would do and if murder is always wrong, etc. Pull your reader in and make us like/hate/fear/pity each of these folks, let us KNOW them. And we can't KNOW them unless THEY do the talking!
You have good ideas, but you really need to stop letting Mikey do all the talking. :)
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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Here is how these lines should be written, as three paragraphs. Never put "said" in one paragraph and the words he/she said in the next. They must be together.
Christine and I started a mock argument over which of us would eat his brain which our compatriots nervously laughed at.
Suddenly Christine jumped up, pointed her finger at Tonnie, and said, "We don't have to argue about his wiener at least. She ate that!"
"No I didn't!" she exclaimed. "It's right there." << Note punctuation change and capital I.
__
I don't blame them for eating the guy... why not? Not very nice to kill him, but once he's dead...
You really need more dialogue and less narrative. Let your characters tell the story. You just record what they say and do. A story with so many characters should be at least 25% dialogue ,probably more.
Show, don't tell, remember? Put some action and suspense in it. So many opportunities to do that with this situation! Don't just tell us what happened.... let the characters do it and carry on conversations, argue, etc. while they do it. Like the discussion about it being a good idea to kill off the crazies from earlier. In fact, I'd put a lot more tension and disagreement and conflict there. THe decision was too easy. You should have someone with ethics/morals that says it's wrong no matter waht. That will draw the reader into the story and make them THINK about what THEY would do and if murder is always wrong, etc. Pull your reader in and make us like/hate/fear/pity each of these folks, let us KNOW them. And we can't KNOW them unless THEY do the talking!
You have good ideas, but you really need to stop letting Mikey do all the talking. :)
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Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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This is super helpful. I understand exactly what you are saying. The biggest problem is Mikey doing all the talking. As soon as I read that I realized that I do a lot of Mikey talking to Mikey about Mikey. Ha! In fact, I am plotting to kill everyone that doesn't think like Mikey. The first part helps a lot with the second part too. Not knowing how to do dialogue properly left me writing speeches and then narrations back and forth. Anyway, this is so very helpful. Many light bulbs above the head going off. Thank you very much, mikey
Comment from seaglass
Ok, now the motley lot of them have lost their freakin minds. I have hiked these parks and I know there are deer, lions, coyotes, raccoons, birds and fish. Someone needs to be hunting errr 4 legged animals, that is. They also need to be thinking about when the clothes on their backs wear out. The campers' weekend campout supplies and the store can't provide clothing for all these additional people, 30? opps now 29. So before all those corpses start to rot and stink, there should be an expedition of undressing them and salvaging/recycling their clothing, collecting coats, sweatshirts, hoodies, shoes. I've lost track how long this has gone on now so reminds us from time to time where we are in time and season. This must give you nightmares at night.
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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Ok, now the motley lot of them have lost their freakin minds. I have hiked these parks and I know there are deer, lions, coyotes, raccoons, birds and fish. Someone needs to be hunting errr 4 legged animals, that is. They also need to be thinking about when the clothes on their backs wear out. The campers' weekend campout supplies and the store can't provide clothing for all these additional people, 30? opps now 29. So before all those corpses start to rot and stink, there should be an expedition of undressing them and salvaging/recycling their clothing, collecting coats, sweatshirts, hoodies, shoes. I've lost track how long this has gone on now so reminds us from time to time where we are in time and season. This must give you nightmares at night.
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Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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The wildlife is sparse because of the disaster. That is being addressed and should have been earlier. There's only thirteen now twelve of them. good idea about the clothes. They are a bit paranoid about leaving the safety of their camp though because they are afraid of what is out there. I'm a little in trouble on the time factor because I actually don't know! It is something I have to sit down and figure out. Hahaha. That should be something I know right? Season too. It was fall when it started so I know winter is on the way. I need to figure that out pretty soon. I think somewhere between six weeks and two months maybe has passed. There's clothes in the mercantile. mikey
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I assume the power is out at the store? That would probably be so because of the disaster. If meat, roots and editable foliage can be found they may have to resort to drying them for future meals. food can be dried with out if kept dry. I must have miss-read but I thought stragglers coming in had raised the population to 30. Are there any books in the store about foraging? Hubby and I bought one at a park once and spent a summer running around eating flowers. Of course that wont work if it winter. It's fun to speculate about situations that haven't occurred before. I've seen several movies like that and it seems the people that are so successful in our modern world have to take a back seat to the common people who are still in touch with their basic instincts.
