Grave Circumstances
Sometimes, the dead won't rest in pieces...35 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
I really like your ear for the cockney dialect. And you bring it to life phonetically. Yes, grave robbers did a handsome business.
As for revenge? I guess. But somehow you don't paint the old guy as the sentimental sort. And you didn't provide any indication that his son meant anything to him. Perhaps a sentence? A portrait a above the mantle? Something to indicate the father cared a farthing?
Just some thoughts.
Peace, Lee
"Aye, this is the place," Lidia whispered.--to whom?
Lidia took a cursory glance back toward the deserted cobblestone thoroughfare, then entered.--this seems a bit cumbersome.
And 'thoroughfare' seems inappropriate. Perhaps, 'Lidia glanced toward the deserted cobblestone lane, then entered. --Style, I know, but less is often more.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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I really like your ear for the cockney dialect. And you bring it to life phonetically. Yes, grave robbers did a handsome business.
As for revenge? I guess. But somehow you don't paint the old guy as the sentimental sort. And you didn't provide any indication that his son meant anything to him. Perhaps a sentence? A portrait a above the mantle? Something to indicate the father cared a farthing?
Just some thoughts.
Peace, Lee
"Aye, this is the place," Lidia whispered.--to whom?
Lidia took a cursory glance back toward the deserted cobblestone thoroughfare, then entered.--this seems a bit cumbersome.
And 'thoroughfare' seems inappropriate. Perhaps, 'Lidia glanced toward the deserted cobblestone lane, then entered. --Style, I know, but less is often more.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Yep, you're absolutely right about less being more sometimes, Lee. I do agree. I will make those edits, too. I really appreciate the feedback, my talented friend.
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. You write of a horrific process in the past. There were no laws back then. Each had to find their own justice. A child for a child was a hard revenge. Maybe the good Doctor will end up on his students tables. Great work. I enjoyed the educational author notes. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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I love the story. You write of a horrific process in the past. There were no laws back then. Each had to find their own justice. A child for a child was a hard revenge. Maybe the good Doctor will end up on his students tables. Great work. I enjoyed the educational author notes. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks, nelliesellie. I certainly appreciate your thoughts!
Comment from Dustybones
This is a fairly insane history of grave robery. You will get my vote in the contest. Good luck, I think you'll have a winner.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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This is a fairly insane history of grave robery. You will get my vote in the contest. Good luck, I think you'll have a winner.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks very much, Dusty. I'm very happy that you enjoyed it, my friend!
Comment from ennahanid
Revenge for Mona...you are a class act with the writing here and I kinda got a giggle going right from the start because my dear old Dad was inclined to drop his H's. Excellent and I thank you for the read - Dinah
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Revenge for Mona...you are a class act with the writing here and I kinda got a giggle going right from the start because my dear old Dad was inclined to drop his H's. Excellent and I thank you for the read - Dinah
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks, Dinah. I appreciate that you enjoyed the dialogue. It was sure a challenge to write and make it legible. One reviewer almost caused me to change it based upon her three-star rating, but I decided to let it ride. I really appreciate your input.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Writer
A well told tale of horror and extra in your notes. Somehow the truth contains an added horror for the reality. Your story does sound real and may very well have happened. The poor woman, had her revenge alright ...... served cold.
Well written in a flowing style, yes horrified and entertained .... nothing like a good bit of gore to set the blood flowing. I expected Mr Pips to be in the sack .... so 'ya got me'. A true eye for an eye. Good work in the word limit. Great presentation. An excellent entry for the prompt ... I imagine this will be xoxoox
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Hi Mystery Writer
A well told tale of horror and extra in your notes. Somehow the truth contains an added horror for the reality. Your story does sound real and may very well have happened. The poor woman, had her revenge alright ...... served cold.
Well written in a flowing style, yes horrified and entertained .... nothing like a good bit of gore to set the blood flowing. I expected Mr Pips to be in the sack .... so 'ya got me'. A true eye for an eye. Good work in the word limit. Great presentation. An excellent entry for the prompt ... I imagine this will be xoxoox
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks very much, Lovinia. I'm very happy that you enjoyed this rather morbid little offering. I appreciate your input, my friend.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is a good one, my friend. The title is excellent and very appropriate. This story is the old, 'eye for an eye' one, huh? You got me good, Dean. I didn't see any of it coming. Talk about blindsided. You had me truly believing the woman was peddling a body for money. You easily led me down the wrong path, and I so willingly followed. I was totally clueless about the baby thing. You snuck that little piece of info in there so subtly that I pretty much ignored it as anything relevant. It came across just as you intended, I'm sure; nothing more than the ramblings of some daft person chatting up a potential buyer for the body. I know better than to let such things slip by, too. You don't waste words, and if you put it in there, it's there for a reason. I'm ashamed to discuss the body in the sack. You got me there, too. The way the guy reacted, I realized it was someone he knew, perhaps a cousin, or a good friend. Never did I expect it to be his son. Even after Lidia said Mona was hers - I STILL didn't see it coming. I feel as though I'm in 'stupid mode' today. I didn't even get that the body in the bag was Lidia's revenge until the last line. This piece is easy and gentle, allowing it to slowly sneak up on you and do the 'gottcha' at the end. Excellent twists. Exceptional writing. Good Luck in the contest. This is a contender and most probably a winner! ;o)
Suzanne
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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This is a good one, my friend. The title is excellent and very appropriate. This story is the old, 'eye for an eye' one, huh? You got me good, Dean. I didn't see any of it coming. Talk about blindsided. You had me truly believing the woman was peddling a body for money. You easily led me down the wrong path, and I so willingly followed. I was totally clueless about the baby thing. You snuck that little piece of info in there so subtly that I pretty much ignored it as anything relevant. It came across just as you intended, I'm sure; nothing more than the ramblings of some daft person chatting up a potential buyer for the body. I know better than to let such things slip by, too. You don't waste words, and if you put it in there, it's there for a reason. I'm ashamed to discuss the body in the sack. You got me there, too. The way the guy reacted, I realized it was someone he knew, perhaps a cousin, or a good friend. Never did I expect it to be his son. Even after Lidia said Mona was hers - I STILL didn't see it coming. I feel as though I'm in 'stupid mode' today. I didn't even get that the body in the bag was Lidia's revenge until the last line. This piece is easy and gentle, allowing it to slowly sneak up on you and do the 'gottcha' at the end. Excellent twists. Exceptional writing. Good Luck in the contest. This is a contender and most probably a winner! ;o)
Suzanne
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Suzanne. I'm sorry I put off responding to this until after the contest was over. I feared if I had, it would have revealed my identity and I'd be in violation of site rules concerning blind contest entries. I still haven't figured out how you knew it was me, LOL...
Thanks so much again for the wonderful review!
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Oh, snap - I never gave it a thought about it being a blind contest. Sorry, my friend. I'll be more careful in the future! Can't tell if you are being sarcastic or serious about knowing you were the author! You have a very distinct writing style that makes it impossible to hide your identity. Hehehe . . . LOL!
Comment from mfowler
This is superbly rendered with great dialogue, atmospheric description, and immaculate narrative arc. Your sense of voice, particularly through the woman is excellent. With revenge as the prompt, it was easy to predict her intent but your revelation of the doctor's son just as the surgeon is dying, really rams home the theme with a double barrelled climax.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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This is superbly rendered with great dialogue, atmospheric description, and immaculate narrative arc. Your sense of voice, particularly through the woman is excellent. With revenge as the prompt, it was easy to predict her intent but your revelation of the doctor's son just as the surgeon is dying, really rams home the theme with a double barrelled climax.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much for your awesome review of this one, mfowler. The way in which you write and express a review, you should consider this as your profession, my friend. Reads like something off of the NY. Times best-sellers blogs. Simply outstanding!
Comment from Paddywack
Really enjoyed this. It has an authentic atmosphere, good pacy plot and believable characters. Dialogue is very good. A few observations:
blusterous and stoop: stoop, I like. Blusterous sounds a little forced - maybe stick with blustery.
he stopped her cart out in front of the isolated home, tied off the horses,- she probably stopped to read the sign. So, maybe: 'She tied up the horses at the rail in front of the house...'
black marketed - black-market
he dropped the quill back into the blotter - into the inkwell?
However, for reasons unbeknownst to him, her current demeanor made him a bit-- uneasy. You don't need this. The reader already knows he is uneasy.
Simultaneously, his gut clenched and his heart seized. Simultaneously is an unnecessary adverb in my view.
Hope this helps, but I certainly enjoyed the story. I actually thought it would be Mr Pip in the sack - but son works well too!
Paddy
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Really enjoyed this. It has an authentic atmosphere, good pacy plot and believable characters. Dialogue is very good. A few observations:
blusterous and stoop: stoop, I like. Blusterous sounds a little forced - maybe stick with blustery.
he stopped her cart out in front of the isolated home, tied off the horses,- she probably stopped to read the sign. So, maybe: 'She tied up the horses at the rail in front of the house...'
black marketed - black-market
he dropped the quill back into the blotter - into the inkwell?
However, for reasons unbeknownst to him, her current demeanor made him a bit-- uneasy. You don't need this. The reader already knows he is uneasy.
Simultaneously, his gut clenched and his heart seized. Simultaneously is an unnecessary adverb in my view.
Hope this helps, but I certainly enjoyed the story. I actually thought it would be Mr Pip in the sack - but son works well too!
Paddy
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks for a g-r-r-r-e-a-t review, Paddywack. This is just the sort of feedback I needed. I also incorporated a few of your editing suggestions. The one's I disregarded were not because I wasn't listening or didn't appreciate them. I simply felt they were a matter of differing styles and tastes.
Thanks so much again. Much obliged!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent jbo writing this story about the woman that had her revenge for the man who desecreated her baby's memory. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent jbo writing this story about the woman that had her revenge for the man who desecreated her baby's memory. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks, sweetwoodjax. I really appreciate the fine review!
Comment from tfawcus
A gruesome tale well told. You build the atmosphere beautifully and the end comes almost as a complete surprise. I'm glad that these practices were dead an buried - if you'll excuse the pun - when I did my medical training. I recently posted a short poem about that called The Anatomy Student. You may have read it! Somewhat less gruesome!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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A gruesome tale well told. You build the atmosphere beautifully and the end comes almost as a complete surprise. I'm glad that these practices were dead an buried - if you'll excuse the pun - when I did my medical training. I recently posted a short poem about that called The Anatomy Student. You may have read it! Somewhat less gruesome!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks, 'T', and yes, I did read that one, very recently. It was excellent, too, as I recall.
I'm very happy that you enjoyed this one, my friend!
