Face Off
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Small World"A Whole New Identity
16 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
You set up the pathology of your antagonist so well in this chapter, Gayle. You made me totally hate him, and then he ends up being in the same room as Julia. Wow, this was terrific, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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You set up the pathology of your antagonist so well in this chapter, Gayle. You made me totally hate him, and then he ends up being in the same room as Julia. Wow, this was terrific, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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So glad you liked this one, Bev. We're going to have quite a transformation here, you wait and see. And old Hamid the Horrible is going to meet a sister he never knew he had, in more ways than one.
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
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Sounds exciting, Gayle. You write action so very well!! Hugs, Bev
Comment from TervLass
Ah, Gayle, the storm clouds are rolling in.
Absolutely no problem with any of the action, dialogue, or character placement.
The discomfort between Ari and Hamid works well. Their personal absolute lack of moral or familial feeling is not what we'd take for "norm", It does, however, speak to a more black and white perception of right and wrong that might be held by cynical, emotionally void minds.
I enjoyed the almost casual way you insert Ari into the street scene, and was equally pleased that Julia didn't betray herself. Her reaction was nicely handled especially in light of her shock and fearful response in an earlier chapter. That she has had some time to prepare helps and now shows. Nevertheless, as a reader, I know she'll be placed in far more difficult scenes.
Brad's own self-preparation is beginning to settle on him like a mantle.
Good pace, good gathering of players.
No housekeeping bits to bring to your attention.
Ready for the next? Yep.
Cheers, Helen (TervLass)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Ah, Gayle, the storm clouds are rolling in.
Absolutely no problem with any of the action, dialogue, or character placement.
The discomfort between Ari and Hamid works well. Their personal absolute lack of moral or familial feeling is not what we'd take for "norm", It does, however, speak to a more black and white perception of right and wrong that might be held by cynical, emotionally void minds.
I enjoyed the almost casual way you insert Ari into the street scene, and was equally pleased that Julia didn't betray herself. Her reaction was nicely handled especially in light of her shock and fearful response in an earlier chapter. That she has had some time to prepare helps and now shows. Nevertheless, as a reader, I know she'll be placed in far more difficult scenes.
Brad's own self-preparation is beginning to settle on him like a mantle.
Good pace, good gathering of players.
No housekeeping bits to bring to your attention.
Ready for the next? Yep.
Cheers, Helen (TervLass)
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Hey Helen, I really liked this chapter. I'd hoped to lay the groundwork for the meeting and it looks like I delivered. It's so easy to slip into purple prose at scenes like that. Also, I didn't want to engage the dog yet. That will be a chapter long scene, I see it already!
Hey, girl, hugs and big thanks to you,
Gayle
Comment from rwilliam
He hated Hali from the bottom of his twisted soul, --Love this description!
You enjoy that tea, Ari. You're a dead man walking.--This last line is PERFECTION! Really good!!!!
Great chapter!
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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He hated Hali from the bottom of his twisted soul, --Love this description!
You enjoy that tea, Ari. You're a dead man walking.--This last line is PERFECTION! Really good!!!!
Great chapter!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hey Becca, always so good to see you. Glad you liked that last line! I stole it, from somewhere, lol.
I'm so glad you're enjoying this one. It's a ball to write!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Well, Julia doesn't stand out, but Ari does From now on things start to get really interesting. You left us in no doubt as to the intentions of the villains... most exciting, Gayle
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Well, Julia doesn't stand out, but Ari does From now on things start to get really interesting. You left us in no doubt as to the intentions of the villains... most exciting, Gayle
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hey Gayle, Happy Monday! So glad you're enjoying this one. I figure it's going to be a fast read, as a book.
Your comments and support are so important to me!
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Hey, my friend:
I've been offsite for a few weeks again. There are
some who would say the eyes always give one away,
but apparently that is not to be the case with Julia.
At least she can watch Ari as he is looking for her.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hey, my friend:
I've been offsite for a few weeks again. There are
some who would say the eyes always give one away,
but apparently that is not to be the case with Julia.
At least she can watch Ari as he is looking for her.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Jan! Hey there, how are you? I've wondered where you were.
We're moving right along, about to go to afterburners, lol.
Thanks so much for the support, that gorgeous sixer, and your friendship!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from lindalcreel
I love that you put them in the same vicinity, so Julia could see Ari, but he didn't have a clue that she was sitting so close to him. At least Brad got a good look at him, and given his background, he won't allow anything to happen to Julia. Can't wait to see what happens next. Julia really should avoid her father; it's too dangerous.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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I love that you put them in the same vicinity, so Julia could see Ari, but he didn't have a clue that she was sitting so close to him. At least Brad got a good look at him, and given his background, he won't allow anything to happen to Julia. Can't wait to see what happens next. Julia really should avoid her father; it's too dangerous.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Had to get them close in, lol. Can't imaging them ever meeting up otherwise. LA is HUGE!
It's going to get real interesting here, stay tuned.
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
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Have been there a few times. My husband was offered a very lucrative job there twenty years ago, but I couldn't take the traffic.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Gayle :)
Excellently constructed chapter. Tension everywhere and the emotionally explosive moment of Ari having tea at a nearby table. Looking directly at Julia and not knowing it.
I'd be careful with too much of that, especially the direct eye-contact for more than a second. After all, they did have a life together, and a man can sense things, the eyes are the windows, etc.
A lot of 'telling' up front with droning detail.
You're spot-on with not trying to carry on a new intro to every chapter. I have the same thing going on with a character name list so readers don't get confused.
Let's get real, the majority of our reviewers are fly-byes who haven't read any previous chapters. I'm not going to cater to them any more than I have. The book-buyer/reader isn't going to have the character identity issue; they're moving along with the story from chapter to chapter.
Good writing.
Ted
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hi Gayle :)
Excellently constructed chapter. Tension everywhere and the emotionally explosive moment of Ari having tea at a nearby table. Looking directly at Julia and not knowing it.
I'd be careful with too much of that, especially the direct eye-contact for more than a second. After all, they did have a life together, and a man can sense things, the eyes are the windows, etc.
A lot of 'telling' up front with droning detail.
You're spot-on with not trying to carry on a new intro to every chapter. I have the same thing going on with a character name list so readers don't get confused.
Let's get real, the majority of our reviewers are fly-byes who haven't read any previous chapters. I'm not going to cater to them any more than I have. The book-buyer/reader isn't going to have the character identity issue; they're moving along with the story from chapter to chapter.
Good writing.
Ted
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hey Ted, always so good to see youl
Remember, this is an arranged Muslim marriage. They were not in love, nor did they have a close relationship. She was part of a harem, to use one word for multiple wives. Also, she's wearing hazel contacts, so rather than the black eyes he'd expect, here are golden eyes.
Thanks for the comments and review,
Hugs,
Gayle
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Okay, you have it covered :)
Comment from DonandVicki
Good solid chapter for the continuation of your story. I like the way that you hold the readers attention with your excellent character development. Don and Vicki
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Good solid chapter for the continuation of your story. I like the way that you hold the readers attention with your excellent character development. Don and Vicki
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Hey Don, good to see you!
I really loved this chapter and this novel is following my usual path - get ready!
So appreciate seeing you, my friend, and thanks for the fine comments,
Gayle
Comment from Ric Myworld
Yeah, this is the most exciting chapter yet, and I'm ready and anxious for the next one. Hamid is a Muslim who pretends to be committed serving Allah and drinks alcohol and whatever he chooses. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Yeah, this is the most exciting chapter yet, and I'm ready and anxious for the next one. Hamid is a Muslim who pretends to be committed serving Allah and drinks alcohol and whatever he chooses. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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We're about to take off. buckle up!
I wish I could get the chapters out faster, but I can only write just so fast!
Ric, always so good to see you, my friend. Have a great week!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This was another excellent chapter, Gayle. I like how you use the third person multiple vision POV. It works well for you and allows insights to several characters rather than just one. This story would be quite different if the reader only knew what Julia knew.
I'm not sure if Julia's reaction to seeing Ari for the first time is believable. With him being only three feet away posed a real danger to her. I think to suddenly see him so close would trigger the fear factor, and her need for self-control would be an issue she had to work through. Good thing Rex wasn't there. He would have sensed her fear and anxiety, and could easily react to the threat, putting a quick end to the antagonist and the story!
"He hated Hali from the bottom of his twisted soul, and he [was] determined he would be the one to dispatch her to Allah if he could find a way." Not sure if you left out the word 'was' or wrote it that way on purpose. The sentence will work either way, but it tripped me up, and I needed to re-read a couple of times.
Comma needed. " . . . I owe him my life in more ways than one [,] and I can't just let him fight my battles for me without so . . . ."
The tension builds . . . danger walks amongst them . . . will Ari find his prey . . . will Julia, unknowingly, give herself away . . . will Rex and Brad save her from the jaws of death? For the answers to these questions, and more, stay tuned to FS for the release of future chapters.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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This was another excellent chapter, Gayle. I like how you use the third person multiple vision POV. It works well for you and allows insights to several characters rather than just one. This story would be quite different if the reader only knew what Julia knew.
I'm not sure if Julia's reaction to seeing Ari for the first time is believable. With him being only three feet away posed a real danger to her. I think to suddenly see him so close would trigger the fear factor, and her need for self-control would be an issue she had to work through. Good thing Rex wasn't there. He would have sensed her fear and anxiety, and could easily react to the threat, putting a quick end to the antagonist and the story!
"He hated Hali from the bottom of his twisted soul, and he [was] determined he would be the one to dispatch her to Allah if he could find a way." Not sure if you left out the word 'was' or wrote it that way on purpose. The sentence will work either way, but it tripped me up, and I needed to re-read a couple of times.
Comma needed. " . . . I owe him my life in more ways than one [,] and I can't just let him fight my battles for me without so . . . ."
The tension builds . . . danger walks amongst them . . . will Ari find his prey . . . will Julia, unknowingly, give herself away . . . will Rex and Brad save her from the jaws of death? For the answers to these questions, and more, stay tuned to FS for the release of future chapters.
Suzanne
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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HA! Just you wait and see! Talk about a twist, lol, oh my, I'm on fire, I swear, Suz. It's actually uncomfortable in a giggly way!
Just wish I could get these guys out faster, but I'm writing directly onto the word pad, which is why I always have to do a total edit when I go to publish!
Huge hugs and thanks for the edits.
Gayle
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You're going to get arthritis in your fingers. Rather than tennis elbow,you'll have writer's fingers! LOL!
