The Woman in Red
Fatal Beauty34 total reviews
Comment from EvaGriffin
Really cool man. Very clever and nicely written. There is a third thing that talking about can cause "shrinkage" and that is a man's mother. Good thing she didn't bring up your mother too. I would not change a thing.
best,
Eva
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Really cool man. Very clever and nicely written. There is a third thing that talking about can cause "shrinkage" and that is a man's mother. Good thing she didn't bring up your mother too. I would not change a thing.
best,
Eva
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, Eva. Yes, You're right about that. I appreciate the great review.
JW
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the story. I understand about the sexual innuendos. If a beautiful woman wants to kill a man, the man prefers to think of something else. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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I love the picture. I love the story. I understand about the sexual innuendos. If a beautiful woman wants to kill a man, the man prefers to think of something else. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Michaelk
Excellent! I can't believe you wrote this just for a contest. Great descriptions, great atmosphere, great characters. I did guess the safe was trapped as soon as he offered to open it, but you kept it under wraps very well. The only line that felt a little clunky was, "Rememeber, I was completely naked..." Other than that, this story was amazing. I'm sure many red blooded american males, would've traded places with your detective. (up until the part where the beautiful woman gets her head blown off) Great story.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Excellent! I can't believe you wrote this just for a contest. Great descriptions, great atmosphere, great characters. I did guess the safe was trapped as soon as he offered to open it, but you kept it under wraps very well. The only line that felt a little clunky was, "Rememeber, I was completely naked..." Other than that, this story was amazing. I'm sure many red blooded american males, would've traded places with your detective. (up until the part where the beautiful woman gets her head blown off) Great story.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the great review. I will take another look at that line. It felt funny to me too.
Jw
Comment from Judy Couch
This story has a good solution to the problem of the dectives need to escape. It's well written and records the interaction between the detective and the girl well.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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This story has a good solution to the problem of the dectives need to escape. It's well written and records the interaction between the detective and the girl well.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Super entry for this contest. Well written with a great ending. I love the noir style and you had some great lines. My favorite, however:
"red dress that hugged her body like a happy lover."
What is there about red??
Well done!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Super entry for this contest. Well written with a great ending. I love the noir style and you had some great lines. My favorite, however:
"red dress that hugged her body like a happy lover."
What is there about red??
Well done!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much. I don't know how red got elevated as the sexy color. maybe it was roses.
JW
Comment from judiverse
Great six-star response to the prompt. You create quite a character in the woman in red. She seems like a drop-dead type, fabulous looks or not. Great job with the detective, too. You save the booby-trapped safe until the end. That works really well in your story. You justify why he does such a thing by mentioning the threats on his life. Having an ex-wife and a daughter that he wants to protect adds to the intensity of the story. Ironic that the police wanted to charge him for having the booby-trapped safe, but that's the way the police think. Great work. judi
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Great six-star response to the prompt. You create quite a character in the woman in red. She seems like a drop-dead type, fabulous looks or not. Great job with the detective, too. You save the booby-trapped safe until the end. That works really well in your story. You justify why he does such a thing by mentioning the threats on his life. Having an ex-wife and a daughter that he wants to protect adds to the intensity of the story. Ironic that the police wanted to charge him for having the booby-trapped safe, but that's the way the police think. Great work. judi
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, judi. Yes, I had to make her evil enough to justify taking her head. I think in real life you would get charged for booby-trapping things.
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You're so welcome. She was one evil gal. judi
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear L - this is well penned and creative with that ending. Overall you kept me interested in this story, fast pace and great imagery.
This I enjoyed reading and has my vote.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Dear L - this is well penned and creative with that ending. Overall you kept me interested in this story, fast pace and great imagery.
This I enjoyed reading and has my vote.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, Maureen.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well, live by the sword, die by the sword, right? The woman in red believed she had the upper hand, but foresight on Durant's part not only saved his life, but quite possibly the lives of his ex-wife and nine-year-old daughter. Depending on what the Congressman had confessed to him, it may have saved more lives than just theirs.
Well told story, lancellot. I must admit, I was not expecting that ending. Great twist, and excellent work!
"The [acid] acrid scent of cigarette smoke brought my attention to the sofa in the corner..." I would change "acid" to "acrid", since you were making reference to an odor here, lancellot. Or, you could say "The acid-like sting of cigarette smoke..."
"I knew that last look of her perfect face would hunt my dreams forever."--->Yes, and fortunately for Mr. Durant, faced with the dire circumstances presented him, forever might not be too long in coming...
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Well, live by the sword, die by the sword, right? The woman in red believed she had the upper hand, but foresight on Durant's part not only saved his life, but quite possibly the lives of his ex-wife and nine-year-old daughter. Depending on what the Congressman had confessed to him, it may have saved more lives than just theirs.
Well told story, lancellot. I must admit, I was not expecting that ending. Great twist, and excellent work!
"The [acid] acrid scent of cigarette smoke brought my attention to the sofa in the corner..." I would change "acid" to "acrid", since you were making reference to an odor here, lancellot. Or, you could say "The acid-like sting of cigarette smoke..."
"I knew that last look of her perfect face would hunt my dreams forever."--->Yes, and fortunately for Mr. Durant, faced with the dire circumstances presented him, forever might not be too long in coming...
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Dean. Yes, you are right about that. I had thought about that in the 1st draft but wasn't sure. You have a keen mind.
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You are most welcome, my friend.
:}
Comment from seaglass
This is an excellent detective story. The deadly woman was so explicitly described the reader clearly sees her. the detective thoughts and feelings are realistic as well. This should be a book.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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This is an excellent detective story. The deadly woman was so explicitly described the reader clearly sees her. the detective thoughts and feelings are realistic as well. This should be a book.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much. Actually, Alex Durant is a character I used write about years ago on FS. I thought about bringing him back.
Comment from Erik McGinley
Nice story.
If nothing else it made me realise that my mind is currently running in slow mode. I didn't even nearly guess at the safe being rigged.
Not that blatant anyway I guess and I enjoyed the story for its good style.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Nice story.
If nothing else it made me realise that my mind is currently running in slow mode. I didn't even nearly guess at the safe being rigged.
Not that blatant anyway I guess and I enjoyed the story for its good style.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much.
