Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Deadly Rainbows"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
28 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
Good start. I'd suggest the old "show don't tell" rule, and start the story off with the disaster, perhaps introducing Jennifer and the narrator as they experience the events.
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Good start. I'd suggest the old "show don't tell" rule, and start the story off with the disaster, perhaps introducing Jennifer and the narrator as they experience the events.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is intriguing. What could have happened to kill so many people.. just the lightning bolts or was there a poison gas too? And Jenny... what did she bring to it all?
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This is intriguing. What could have happened to kill so many people.. just the lightning bolts or was there a poison gas too? And Jenny... what did she bring to it all?
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from seaglass
I see this as being an amazing story. Is the explosion an atomic boo boo or war? I will really be able to relate to the characters as I worked for yeas as a life skills teacher for people with developmental delays. We often took groups on what Wyoming system called "Community Access" Boy could I tell ya some stories of jams I got out of, even without national disaster. LOl. I'm looking forward to next posting. don't wait too long.
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I see this as being an amazing story. Is the explosion an atomic boo boo or war? I will really be able to relate to the characters as I worked for yeas as a life skills teacher for people with developmental delays. We often took groups on what Wyoming system called "Community Access" Boy could I tell ya some stories of jams I got out of, even without national disaster. LOl. I'm looking forward to next posting. don't wait too long.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
You have a lot of thought going on in the story. Great visuals with the colours and the explosions of the sky and gases clouding what was to the changes now.
I'm going to make a few suggestions.Please compare with others. These are just my opinions. :)
With the opening paragraph you want to set up a hook. Your first sentences are to grab the reader and encourage them to read onward. Your opening is good, but with slight adjustment can be stronger. You have mentioned I am a writer several times. This is good information to share with the reader, but I'd suggest moving it further down the page.
What leaped out to me, and might work as a hook is the following. I have taken a few of your paragraphs and moved them around.
I have moved the following up to the beginning, keeping your words and ideas. :)
After the initial onslaught, the chaos became more predictable.
Television, telephones, radios and computers offered static to our anxious yearnings for answers. Before long, the few batteries we had were dead and contacting anyone became a past fleeting thought. There remained a glimmer of hope that perhaps there was some kind of remnant of civilization somewhere in the world that might find us and restore something of our former grand existence.
Who's in charge obscures daily and leadership becomes innate and less and less beholding to precedent. It seems to be more influenced by circumstance. After all, if one is being attacked, it seems a soldier would benefit more than an entrepreneur or a shy musician or, dare I say, a wannabe writer.
There are 13 of us at our little campfire. I will attempt to introduce you as we go along. There are strangers here. But, there are pre-existing relationships as well. There is a pregnant girl with us, as well as a possible father. Some of us worked together and even shared a home. As time passes, all of these relationships continue to evolve based upon the current straits in which we find ourselves.
What this does is create the excitement, sets up the change of existence from what life once was to what is now.
Mikey, these are only suggestions. You have the start of a great story and I look forward to reading more.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Hi, Mikey.
You have a lot of thought going on in the story. Great visuals with the colours and the explosions of the sky and gases clouding what was to the changes now.
I'm going to make a few suggestions.Please compare with others. These are just my opinions. :)
With the opening paragraph you want to set up a hook. Your first sentences are to grab the reader and encourage them to read onward. Your opening is good, but with slight adjustment can be stronger. You have mentioned I am a writer several times. This is good information to share with the reader, but I'd suggest moving it further down the page.
What leaped out to me, and might work as a hook is the following. I have taken a few of your paragraphs and moved them around.
I have moved the following up to the beginning, keeping your words and ideas. :)
After the initial onslaught, the chaos became more predictable.
Television, telephones, radios and computers offered static to our anxious yearnings for answers. Before long, the few batteries we had were dead and contacting anyone became a past fleeting thought. There remained a glimmer of hope that perhaps there was some kind of remnant of civilization somewhere in the world that might find us and restore something of our former grand existence.
Who's in charge obscures daily and leadership becomes innate and less and less beholding to precedent. It seems to be more influenced by circumstance. After all, if one is being attacked, it seems a soldier would benefit more than an entrepreneur or a shy musician or, dare I say, a wannabe writer.
There are 13 of us at our little campfire. I will attempt to introduce you as we go along. There are strangers here. But, there are pre-existing relationships as well. There is a pregnant girl with us, as well as a possible father. Some of us worked together and even shared a home. As time passes, all of these relationships continue to evolve based upon the current straits in which we find ourselves.
What this does is create the excitement, sets up the change of existence from what life once was to what is now.
Mikey, these are only suggestions. You have the start of a great story and I look forward to reading more.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2014
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Hi! I am hopelessly behind in answering these although I read everyone of them with great interest. But, I jumped ahead to thank you for these great ideas and input. I usually don't know what I am writing about when I start, so I'm wandering around shuffling my feet. That is the perfect beginning for what follows. When I start doing some editing, that is exactly what I am going to do. I so appreciate the effort you put in. It also puts the rest of the piece in better focus for me. I can't thank you enough. You are always a big help even If I don't answer promptly. I keep up with reviewing and then the real world and the flu interferes and HELP!! But, I do listen! Thank you so much, mikey
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Hi, Mikey.
You are a great writer, with fabulous ideas! It takes me so many rewrites to flush out an idea, and even more afterward. This is all part of the creative process. You are doing a wonderful job in creating such fun and unique stories! I am looking forward to reading more! I think we all get behind with answering. As you said, between flu, family obligations and life, we're busy! :)
Maybe we need to invent a time machine that will give more time in a day. LOL
Thanks again.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment from Petriesan
There is no doubt within others in this group an ability to record these events.
I get what you mean, but the structure is a little rugged
she is also the person that I credit our survival to. . to whom I credit our survival
It does feel different than your norm.
I know you know this, but the sentence length and structure would help with more variation
but then, you write this:
It was Jennifer that I took my cue from when disaster struck, her reactions were primal in nature but, not primitive
which is earthy and real
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There is no doubt within others in this group an ability to record these events.
I get what you mean, but the structure is a little rugged
she is also the person that I credit our survival to. . to whom I credit our survival
It does feel different than your norm.
I know you know this, but the sentence length and structure would help with more variation
but then, you write this:
It was Jennifer that I took my cue from when disaster struck, her reactions were primal in nature but, not primitive
which is earthy and real
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Sasha
You have done a superb job with this and you have continued to capture my full attention. So far, I really like how you are writing this. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter.
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You have done a superb job with this and you have continued to capture my full attention. So far, I really like how you are writing this. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Yes, I can see a difference as well, but as you know I am a poet so not really a good critic when it comes to stories, only whether I enjoy them or not. That said, I will let others guide you. Well done Nancy
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Yes, I can see a difference as well, but as you know I am a poet so not really a good critic when it comes to stories, only whether I enjoy them or not. That said, I will let others guide you. Well done Nancy
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Nosha17
I found this story flowed really well and it has a continuity to it as you already wrote best part of it. I find your prose style and turn of phrase to be exceptionally good and I think you underestimate your abilities. It is also very creative, I couldn't think up situations like that, I am more a woodland (English woodland, not redwoods!)tale person! Guess we can't have all stories the same or that would be boring. I think it is better edited, also. Looks very promising! Faye
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I found this story flowed really well and it has a continuity to it as you already wrote best part of it. I find your prose style and turn of phrase to be exceptionally good and I think you underestimate your abilities. It is also very creative, I couldn't think up situations like that, I am more a woodland (English woodland, not redwoods!)tale person! Guess we can't have all stories the same or that would be boring. I think it is better edited, also. Looks very promising! Faye
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from kiwijenny
This is so cool....one typo ....choose should be chose.....
My daughter is pregnant and has remarked how her personality has changed much to her husbands chagrin,...she who was laid back is definite...she is nesting and adamant things will go a certain way....good for you that Jennifer is in this heightened protective state....well written
God boess
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This is so cool....one typo ....choose should be chose.....
My daughter is pregnant and has remarked how her personality has changed much to her husbands chagrin,...she who was laid back is definite...she is nesting and adamant things will go a certain way....good for you that Jennifer is in this heightened protective state....well written
God boess
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is intriguing, Mikey, and well written. I can see it is going to be a really good story. The part where the pregnant lady has this primal sense of survival, I can go with that, she would be like that for her unborn baby. I am looking forward to the next part. You have started the story well, it is full of promise! xsx sandra
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This is intriguing, Mikey, and well written. I can see it is going to be a really good story. The part where the pregnant lady has this primal sense of survival, I can go with that, she would be like that for her unborn baby. I am looking forward to the next part. You have started the story well, it is full of promise! xsx sandra
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
