A Devil's Triangle
Ripped from the headlines...62 total reviews
Comment from Robin Gilmor
Was he ever caught? I love the story which was clear to me in your first line as he stomped the earth over the grave. Well told in your lovely classical style. I really enjoyed this switch in genre. Smiles, Robin :)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Was he ever caught? I love the story which was clear to me in your first line as he stomped the earth over the grave. Well told in your lovely classical style. I really enjoyed this switch in genre. Smiles, Robin :)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Robin! You're the first to mention that line, and you hit it dead solid perfect, my friend. I love when people pick up on the nuances right away. You rock!
Yes, he was a suspect immediately, and the bodies were found quickly. I guess hot-blooded murders aren't thought out well, and neither is the disposal.
Comment from Tatarka2
I loved the rhyming and the way you stayed within the sonnet format, all the while creating a very modern scenario to which many can relate. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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I loved the rhyming and the way you stayed within the sonnet format, all the while creating a very modern scenario to which many can relate. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, my friend, for your great review!
Comment from Norbanus
As often is the case with tales you spin
this one reveals a story wracked with grief.
The woman says 'You won't do that again.'
Her vengeance gained, but also some relief?
But then the tables turn as things go wrong
As schemes develop, counter-measures bloom.
She has a perfect way, but not for long.
Her life goes in the ditch to make some room.
The experts tell us 'Write of what you know.'
but those who do these deeds don't have the skill.
A poeteer needs other ways to grow.
And real life all around us fills the bill.
Since loneliness is not the wanted par.
let's go and find another at the bar.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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As often is the case with tales you spin
this one reveals a story wracked with grief.
The woman says 'You won't do that again.'
Her vengeance gained, but also some relief?
But then the tables turn as things go wrong
As schemes develop, counter-measures bloom.
She has a perfect way, but not for long.
Her life goes in the ditch to make some room.
The experts tell us 'Write of what you know.'
but those who do these deeds don't have the skill.
A poeteer needs other ways to grow.
And real life all around us fills the bill.
Since loneliness is not the wanted par.
let's go and find another at the bar.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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This is a great sonnet reply, my friend, done quickly and expertly, and with revisions so it doesn't look like a review, you should post it, Fred. Thank you!
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Once again, as you have for the last ten years, you've told the story and I've just held a mirror up to it. I think the 'don't have the skills' line makes this too weak to post, so I'll wait for another. :-)
Thanks for hacking the way through the wilderness for me.
Comment from jandeck
I loved this very different modern sonnet. It has great rhyme and flow. The subject draws you in to the story where it reaches a satisfying conclusion. Well done!
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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I loved this very different modern sonnet. It has great rhyme and flow. The subject draws you in to the story where it reaches a satisfying conclusion. Well done!
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you very much, jandeck! I appreciate it!
Comment from MissMerri
Oh WOW! The powerful images here and the equally powerful emotions make this a sonnet not soon forgotten. "He looked behind, where rain -- and madness-- blurred" is a perfect example of your ability to pack so much feeling and description into just a few words. You do seem to have the unique ability to choose just the right words for the right space, creating maximum impact. I admire that skill. I am taking lessons from your work. ;")
Thank you!
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Oh WOW! The powerful images here and the equally powerful emotions make this a sonnet not soon forgotten. "He looked behind, where rain -- and madness-- blurred" is a perfect example of your ability to pack so much feeling and description into just a few words. You do seem to have the unique ability to choose just the right words for the right space, creating maximum impact. I admire that skill. I am taking lessons from your work. ;")
Thank you!
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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MissMerri, thank YOU so much, my friend, for the great review, the sixer, and your wonderful thoughts. I really appreciate it!
David
Comment from barleygirl
Your poem gets high marks for showing instead of telling, using specific details full of imagery & feeling. The drawback for me: message didn't flow well from stanza to stanza . . . various word pictures were disjointed . . . even tho the poem taken as a whole did convey a ragged scenario, a broken & angry man. Good effort.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Your poem gets high marks for showing instead of telling, using specific details full of imagery & feeling. The drawback for me: message didn't flow well from stanza to stanza . . . various word pictures were disjointed . . . even tho the poem taken as a whole did convey a ragged scenario, a broken & angry man. Good effort.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Barleygirl, I have to respectfully disagree (although opinions are opinions), as a sonnet has four parts to it, and there is a graduation of sorts. The first quatrain develops the idea, the second builds upon it (or introduces conflict), the third is the volta (or turn) and the couplet is the summation. I personally think that all occurred here, but I appreciate your effort to review it.
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*smile*
Comment from MommaT
I enjoyed reading this your emotions flowed through. S1 line3 needs a comma I think. S3 did not seem to flow as well I believe you can do without (though) also are you intentionally not putting a comma or a period at the end of Lines 2/3. Having said this still enjoyed. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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I enjoyed reading this your emotions flowed through. S1 line3 needs a comma I think. S3 did not seem to flow as well I believe you can do without (though) also are you intentionally not putting a comma or a period at the end of Lines 2/3. Having said this still enjoyed. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you, MommaT, for your review. I'll take a look at the comma(s), but "though" needs to be present to maintain the meter. I appreciate the review.
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Momma, the reason there is no punctuation at the end of S3, L2-3 is because they're enjambed to the next line. There is a continuation of thought, so punctuation isn't necessary. Thanks again.
Comment from Darshi04
Every phrase is so strong and conveys so much emotion. Emotions on the sad side, and yet it reflects some sort of strength in the subject that you are talking about.
You're an inspiration for me, for you write so much, and yet you write so diversely and so well.
Very nice sonnet.
Keep writing, David! =)
~Darshi
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Every phrase is so strong and conveys so much emotion. Emotions on the sad side, and yet it reflects some sort of strength in the subject that you are talking about.
You're an inspiration for me, for you write so much, and yet you write so diversely and so well.
Very nice sonnet.
Keep writing, David! =)
~Darshi
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Darshi, thank you so much, my friend. That means a lot to me, and is very appreciated.
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:)
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
He stamped the earth in boots of muddied leather, 11 beats
And trudged, head hung, along a homeward path,
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether 11 beats
It was a virus or a fevered wrath. great line
She?d left him stranded with a dog, two cats,
A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac, great line
Assorted sweaters, shoes, and stacks of hats,
And four cold words: "I?m never coming back!" "..."
He thought, 'You?re never leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover came for you, and wasn?t he
Surprised to find you two would share a ditch AN ITCH
And not a cozy condo by the sea?' '...'
He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred 9 beats
Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Some meter problems but other than that, well done.
Regards:
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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He stamped the earth in boots of muddied leather, 11 beats
And trudged, head hung, along a homeward path,
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether 11 beats
It was a virus or a fevered wrath. great line
She?d left him stranded with a dog, two cats,
A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac, great line
Assorted sweaters, shoes, and stacks of hats,
And four cold words: "I?m never coming back!" "..."
He thought, 'You?re never leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover came for you, and wasn?t he
Surprised to find you two would share a ditch AN ITCH
And not a cozy condo by the sea?' '...'
He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred 9 beats
Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Some meter problems but other than that, well done.
Regards:
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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No, Stephen, when you have an unstressed extra syllable at the end of a line, there are eleven syllables in those lines. It's a common and accepted practice, even back to Shakespeare.
The sub at the beginning of S1, L3 is where you begin a line with a trochee (DAdum) for the physical effect of the disruption, like his emotional state.
As for AN ITCH, I can't change that because it takes away the fact that N has killed his wife and her lover and disposed of them.
Thanks for the review, and sorry for the lengthy response, but I wanted to explain the why's and how's of those substitutions. I promise, my friend, there's a method to my madness. :-)
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Dear M: Silly me..I'm so damned ignorant when it comes to tweedle dee and tweedle DUM
as to sonnets.
Thanks for your TIME and EFFORT.
With Respect: Steve C
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I thought I remember you saying you weren't familiar with that stuff, and wrote by instinct, which shows a natural ability. I hope it helped, and didn't come across as defensive or patronizing, as it certainly isn't meant to be, my friend.
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Dear M: No offense taken. Have you seen my latest post, 'THE RING'? Hope so. Thanks.
Cheers: Steve C
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I'm way behind on reviewing, but hope to catch up tonight.
Comment from Rondeno
She got what was coming to her!
You do a subtle job of giving them spaces to inhabit (the chaotic cottage, the shallow grave) and ambiguous details (is he feverish with emotion, or has he caught a bug, out in the wet?)
As you always do, you've crafted a work which is a joy to contemplate, with all the working parts beautifully integrated.
Tremendous, David!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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She got what was coming to her!
You do a subtle job of giving them spaces to inhabit (the chaotic cottage, the shallow grave) and ambiguous details (is he feverish with emotion, or has he caught a bug, out in the wet?)
As you always do, you've crafted a work which is a joy to contemplate, with all the working parts beautifully integrated.
Tremendous, David!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Many thanks, my fellow sonneteer. It's always rewarding to receive the thoughts of one who already knows about met subs and the like.
