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Viewing comments for Chapter 53 "Bert and Benny"These are fictional character sketches.
7 total reviews
Comment from krys123
Chuckle! Chuckle! As you can see this one made me laugh quite a lot. In your handled the punch line of the poem very well. The whole poem rhythmically and rhyming wise was done very well. The rhythm float very smoothly and made it easy for me to read it clearly. The rhymes are neither forced, labored or strained. Thanks for the read them for sharing and posting this for others. May you and yours always be blessed.
Alex
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Chuckle! Chuckle! As you can see this one made me laugh quite a lot. In your handled the punch line of the poem very well. The whole poem rhythmically and rhyming wise was done very well. The rhythm float very smoothly and made it easy for me to read it clearly. The rhymes are neither forced, labored or strained. Thanks for the read them for sharing and posting this for others. May you and yours always be blessed.
Alex
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Alex, for the excellent review and the flattering comments. Bill
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You are so welcome Bill.
Comment from lindalcreel
Lucky boys. I couldn't imagine having two of my husband around, let alone three. This was a really cute poem. But I've come to expect good things from you.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Lucky boys. I couldn't imagine having two of my husband around, let alone three. This was a really cute poem. But I've come to expect good things from you.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Linda, you are very kind and generous. I am humbled, as you are a terrific author. Thank you for looking at this. Bill
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My pleasure!
Comment from Ernest McGeorge
this was a fun read. sort of an o henry twist at the end. didn't figure out they were twins till the end. not mentioned at first of poem, but maybe that's part of the fun of it. It seem you have a great sense of humor. Keep up the good work
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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this was a fun read. sort of an o henry twist at the end. didn't figure out they were twins till the end. not mentioned at first of poem, but maybe that's part of the fun of it. It seem you have a great sense of humor. Keep up the good work
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Bill - looks like Freda got the last laugh - well actually it was me too.
Great little post with a nice lyrical touch when reading aloud. Light and fun too.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Dear Bill - looks like Freda got the last laugh - well actually it was me too.
Great little post with a nice lyrical touch when reading aloud. Light and fun too.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Maureen, for an excellent review.
Comment from LaineyZ
This is very clever and I really like it! There was only one line I stumbled over a bit, and that was "Benny would come hang around." Do you think it might flow better if you sneaked an "and" in there right after the word "come"? Other than that, I thought it flowed extremely well, and I really enjoyed it.
Very well done!
LaineyZ
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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This is very clever and I really like it! There was only one line I stumbled over a bit, and that was "Benny would come hang around." Do you think it might flow better if you sneaked an "and" in there right after the word "come"? Other than that, I thought it flowed extremely well, and I really enjoyed it.
Very well done!
LaineyZ
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Lainey, for the excellent review and suggestion.
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You're welcome!
Comment from evrenios
This is an adorable poem that truly is a wonderful lagh! Good idea and cute story.
You might want to go back to edit out the question mark in the word moment's. It is a simple edit - but I recommend it.
I have only a small suggestion - I make it, because as a reader (who enjoyed this by the way) I was given pause at two places. Usually when this happens to a reader (and me as a poet) I choose to take a second look at those places for revision purposes.
1.Benny would come hang around The wording feels awkward here - not to change your writing - but perhaps: Benny (came to )hang around or Benny would come (to) hang around - but that disturbs your wonderful rhythms a little.
2. brother, wife, and brother love. Did you mean to put a comma between brother and love? I don't understand this sentence which is in the middle of an otherwise very straightforward and clean work. If I didn't understand, maybe others won't as well.
Nice work - I enjoyed the laugh - love the fact she preferred a foursometo a threesome! Nice rhythm, nice rhyming scheme. All conducive to a delightful humorous poem.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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This is an adorable poem that truly is a wonderful lagh! Good idea and cute story.
You might want to go back to edit out the question mark in the word moment's. It is a simple edit - but I recommend it.
I have only a small suggestion - I make it, because as a reader (who enjoyed this by the way) I was given pause at two places. Usually when this happens to a reader (and me as a poet) I choose to take a second look at those places for revision purposes.
1.Benny would come hang around The wording feels awkward here - not to change your writing - but perhaps: Benny (came to )hang around or Benny would come (to) hang around - but that disturbs your wonderful rhythms a little.
2. brother, wife, and brother love. Did you mean to put a comma between brother and love? I don't understand this sentence which is in the middle of an otherwise very straightforward and clean work. If I didn't understand, maybe others won't as well.
Nice work - I enjoyed the laugh - love the fact she preferred a foursometo a threesome! Nice rhythm, nice rhyming scheme. All conducive to a delightful humorous poem.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Elizabeth, for the excellent review and helpful suggestions. I guess all of my apostrophes were morphed into question marks by the diabolical Fanstory word processor. I have corrected that. The line in question is a list: brother, wife, and brother... The word love at the end is he suggested arrangement. Thank you again. Bill
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read with a humor overtone. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read with a humor overtone. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Charlie, for giving this a look.
