Destination: Hope
The Last Train Back61 total reviews
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Marillion,
This is a truly impressive write! I loved it.
Such an original premise to have this man travel by train through all the emotions and feelings of dealing with "romantic suicide".
Very vivid imagery has been created for your reader. Fave line ... "When ANGER showed we rattled through it, as so many never leave" ... isn't that the truth!
A really great read! Best wishes for the Poem of the Month contest! This is most deserving!
Connie
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Marillion,
This is a truly impressive write! I loved it.
Such an original premise to have this man travel by train through all the emotions and feelings of dealing with "romantic suicide".
Very vivid imagery has been created for your reader. Fave line ... "When ANGER showed we rattled through it, as so many never leave" ... isn't that the truth!
A really great read! Best wishes for the Poem of the Month contest! This is most deserving!
Connie
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Connie, for your very kind review and comments. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review it. This poem meant a lot to me.
Comment from Donya Quijote
I must have missed this one. I happened to drop into the booth today. Contest notifications fill my end box. I rarely vote in the booths unless I am in a contest and then I feel obligated. Today, I saw in the forum that there was some question as to how POMs are selected and their quality, so being that I am naturally curious, I thought I would check it out. Lo and behold one of your poems had been selected. I hadn't reviewed this one, and must tell you that I indeed missed something.
I am not sure why you bolded and otherwise emphasized the particular words you did, but doing so has had an interesting effect. The theme of poem is a lonely train ride and those highlighted words have the appeal and feel of station stops along the track. Some of them even reminded me of the names of town in the Old West.
This poem has many elements I like: internal rhyme and lots of alliteration consonance and assonance. It tells a story, one that I can relate to as well as many others. I have a feeling that I have been on this train. I think I may have gotten off several times at Hope or Acceptance. I'm an eternal idealist, the reason behind my name, and I have learned to accept the things I can not change. Occasionally, I find myself at Depressed and Doubt for a short time, until I find the funds for Hope again. It's tough being idealist when so many are realists, or wearing the face of a pessimist when inside I am an optimist. Pandora should have been my name because I always have Hope. You also have a nice bit of shared wisdom in the conductor words: "My boy, we face misfortune blindly, but solutions lie within." A very wise soul came up with this...
When I saw its length I thought the rhyme would overwhelm me but it didn't. The poem moved along at a good, even pace. In the end I didn't notice its length, even when I read it aloud.
Aesthetically, I have one question. Why didn't you break this up into smaller stanzas? If you had where would you have done so? Sorry, student teacher thing going on here. Trying to understand the whys of the visual aspect as the way a poem looks can also aid in its appeal and acceptance. I find myself skimming or skipping long poems. As in music, stanza break allow to take or catch a breath or contemplate for a bit.
Wonderful message here.
Last line perfectly described how I feel whenever I come back from that dark place: I have returned...
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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I must have missed this one. I happened to drop into the booth today. Contest notifications fill my end box. I rarely vote in the booths unless I am in a contest and then I feel obligated. Today, I saw in the forum that there was some question as to how POMs are selected and their quality, so being that I am naturally curious, I thought I would check it out. Lo and behold one of your poems had been selected. I hadn't reviewed this one, and must tell you that I indeed missed something.
I am not sure why you bolded and otherwise emphasized the particular words you did, but doing so has had an interesting effect. The theme of poem is a lonely train ride and those highlighted words have the appeal and feel of station stops along the track. Some of them even reminded me of the names of town in the Old West.
This poem has many elements I like: internal rhyme and lots of alliteration consonance and assonance. It tells a story, one that I can relate to as well as many others. I have a feeling that I have been on this train. I think I may have gotten off several times at Hope or Acceptance. I'm an eternal idealist, the reason behind my name, and I have learned to accept the things I can not change. Occasionally, I find myself at Depressed and Doubt for a short time, until I find the funds for Hope again. It's tough being idealist when so many are realists, or wearing the face of a pessimist when inside I am an optimist. Pandora should have been my name because I always have Hope. You also have a nice bit of shared wisdom in the conductor words: "My boy, we face misfortune blindly, but solutions lie within." A very wise soul came up with this...
When I saw its length I thought the rhyme would overwhelm me but it didn't. The poem moved along at a good, even pace. In the end I didn't notice its length, even when I read it aloud.
Aesthetically, I have one question. Why didn't you break this up into smaller stanzas? If you had where would you have done so? Sorry, student teacher thing going on here. Trying to understand the whys of the visual aspect as the way a poem looks can also aid in its appeal and acceptance. I find myself skimming or skipping long poems. As in music, stanza break allow to take or catch a breath or contemplate for a bit.
Wonderful message here.
Last line perfectly described how I feel whenever I come back from that dark place: I have returned...
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Hi Donya-
The bolded words represent the train stops, as towns, or as depots. I think we've all been on this train before, too.
I'm so glad the length of the poem didn't prove too much, as I know it can, and your thoughts are always important to me. I'm very pleased by your reaction, too.
Once again, the advanced editor defeated my attempt to put this into couplets, which is what I wanted to do. I might've also considered quatrains, but I really didn't want to double space each line. I'm hoping to figure out why the editor doesn't translate well from my MacBook, but I'm not very good, tech-wise.
As always, thank you so much, my friend.
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No problem. Apple products don't work well and play fair with others...
For me today, I think my train has stopped in Sadness or Depressed on the Fanstory track. I may have insulted a good friend here by offering help to improve a poem. Those lessons plans and that stack of papers to grade look more inviting than whiling away the hours here at Fanstory. School was cancelled due to the weather. Hopefully, this is Old Man Winter's last gasp.
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He gave us one last hit yesterday, too, my friend. I'm sorry you received that kind of reaction. I'm well versed in that experience, unfortunately.
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the poem. I loved the way you made it a train ride. Trains can take us to heaven. They can take us to hell. We may get of where ever we choose. We may be kicked off if our life has not been that good. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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I love the picture. I love the poem. I loved the way you made it a train ride. Trains can take us to heaven. They can take us to hell. We may get of where ever we choose. We may be kicked off if our life has not been that good. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, nelliesellie. My great uncle, a WWII veteran, built a huge miniature train and tracks that went all over his huge property in Mebane, NC. I was so pleased to find a topic to write on that might honor him. I appreciate your great review!
Comment from Carrie Carson
Wow, wow, wow. On just the day when I am musing of hope dispersed like cotton candy.
Great form, flow, imagery with emotion's ideal match.
If this doesn't win, I don't know what will. SO glad I stopped by. :) Carrie
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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Wow, wow, wow. On just the day when I am musing of hope dispersed like cotton candy.
Great form, flow, imagery with emotion's ideal match.
If this doesn't win, I don't know what will. SO glad I stopped by. :) Carrie
Comment Written 03-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
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What a very kind review, Carrie! Thank you very much of that sixer, and for your enthusiastic comments! David
Comment from Brocha1
I loved the way hope was the last stop on the journey as opposed to serenity. Each stop on the journey was meaningful I liked the way the conductor was the mentor or the inner voice spurring you onward-The wisdom of life experience. You have encapsulated so many useful life lessons in this fabulous write.It is a treat to read writing of such quality.Many lines stood out for exceptional language. I particularly liked "Then prowled the iron streets of Bitter, and the hollow mine, Depressed"
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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I loved the way hope was the last stop on the journey as opposed to serenity. Each stop on the journey was meaningful I liked the way the conductor was the mentor or the inner voice spurring you onward-The wisdom of life experience. You have encapsulated so many useful life lessons in this fabulous write.It is a treat to read writing of such quality.Many lines stood out for exceptional language. I particularly liked "Then prowled the iron streets of Bitter, and the hollow mine, Depressed"
Comment Written 12-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Brocha, I so appreciate your very kind review, and the six star review. Please accept my grateful thanks for your comments and enthusiasm.
Comment from billscott
Now THAT was a poem.
I can't begin to describe the thoughts and emotions blasting through me right now.
If I attempt to describe, my words will spill recklessly.
I can't believe I'm out of 6's to give...I'd give a 10 if I could.
Wow...just Wow.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Now THAT was a poem.
I can't begin to describe the thoughts and emotions blasting through me right now.
If I attempt to describe, my words will spill recklessly.
I can't believe I'm out of 6's to give...I'd give a 10 if I could.
Wow...just Wow.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2014
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Bill, I'm honored by your review and your kind words. I really appreciate it!
David
Comment from Selina Stambi
The old Conductor winked, all-knowing, chanting "Stagnant fools, away!
For only growing souls are going to the town of Hope today."
(And here, the Hallelujah Chorus begins to play ...!)
Wow! You maintained the rhyme scheme of your choice without force of faltering.
Impressive, sir!
Virtual six - I'm all out.
This was a read, indeed - very, very uplifting.
Sonali
p.s. How many poems do you write in a day??
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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The old Conductor winked, all-knowing, chanting "Stagnant fools, away!
For only growing souls are going to the town of Hope today."
(And here, the Hallelujah Chorus begins to play ...!)
Wow! You maintained the rhyme scheme of your choice without force of faltering.
Impressive, sir!
Virtual six - I'm all out.
This was a read, indeed - very, very uplifting.
Sonali
p.s. How many poems do you write in a day??
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Sonali, and I gratefully accept your virtual sixer. I really appreciate your kind words.
One day I wrote 15 sonnets when I was finishing up my book, but that's a little out of the ordinary, and it was a verse drama, so one led into the other and I wasn't coming up with 15 different things.
I try to write one a day, and I've just come across a cache of poems, some of which I don't even remember, so I'm pulling out some fragments and retrenching and/or finishing them.
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Oh, good gracious me ... I don't know what to say .... I salute thee, oh, prolific poet ..? :)
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Aw, shucks. When I was finishing the book, I'm pretty sure I thought and spoke in meter.
Comment from amahra
What a difficult poem to write, this lambic Octameter with its couplets. But you seem to have pulled it off with this one. Great writing, my dear.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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What a difficult poem to write, this lambic Octameter with its couplets. But you seem to have pulled it off with this one. Great writing, my dear.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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It's a fun form to write in, amahra, and I really appreciate your great review! David
Comment from adewpearl
solid rhyming couplets
good alliteration in phrases like deathly devastation
and pit personifies
good assonance in purged the urge
and in miss Resistance
and in shed regret...
A most creative look at an assortment of human emotions
tied together through the extended metaphor of the train passenger and conductor
nicely done :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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solid rhyming couplets
good alliteration in phrases like deathly devastation
and pit personifies
good assonance in purged the urge
and in miss Resistance
and in shed regret...
A most creative look at an assortment of human emotions
tied together through the extended metaphor of the train passenger and conductor
nicely done :-) Brooke
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Brooke. I had a blast writing this one!
Comment from chasennov
'Destination: Hope.'
The old Conductor winked, all-knowing, chanting "Stagnant fools, away!
For only growing souls are going to the town of Hope today."
A fascinating poem you have crafted here. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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'Destination: Hope.'
The old Conductor winked, all-knowing, chanting "Stagnant fools, away!
For only growing souls are going to the town of Hope today."
A fascinating poem you have crafted here. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Chase.
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You are most welcome.
