Comment from RGstar

Excellent

Love and time, probably the2 most significant factors of our time.
Love the layout of expressionism. Like the simplicity and the image combined.

A simple message, yet a significant one.
Good write,
RGstar

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from chasennov

Excellent

'Unravelled.'

'Til Love the Great Leveller renders us small

And Time the Unraveller does for us all

Excellent thought-provoking stuff.

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thank you!

Steve

reply by chasennov on 10-Feb-2014

You are most welcome, Steve.

Comment from Kenneth Schaal

Excellent

As a carpenter the 'Great leveler' has extra meaning for me. superb ABC verse. I'm not so sure, though, we should become unraveled with time; it seems, 'Worn smooth around the edges would be more hopeful. Good luck. Kenny

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

No woodworking images intended, but each reader brings so much of themselves to this. It has been quite fascinating (and amusing) to see different reviewers' reactions.

Now if you were a knitter rather than a carpenter...

Steve

reply by Kenneth Schaal on 10-Feb-2014

Ah--so you've been to Tennessee---

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

Excellent ABC poem. I love that Q line; great image of fighting God for the ball; struggling with faith or even denying his existence. The race from cradle to pall not only gives a clever a-a rhyme, it is a great picture of a circular madness dashing from beginning to end and coming back to where we started. And those prizes which we grab at (roses) are so impermanent. Love makes everything else pale into insignificance, while time undoes us all in eventually. Overall, this is both wise in its message, and appealing in its clever use of metaphor.

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

I think you get the prize (one of those fading roses) for best interpretation - or at least closest to my own thoughts!

Many reviewers have had a stab at it and some have even made me question my own intentions...

Steve

Comment from padumachitta

Excellent

Hi. well, I liked it. I think we just kept going around the karmic clock , life after life, living dying, messing up in betwee...so this poem hits the spot of my belief system...thanks

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thanks for the thoughtful reading.

Now my belief would be that I'm only going around once!

Steve

Comment from bichonfrisegirl

Excellent

Steve,

This is an intelligent, thought provoking write. Great job, and a great entry for the contest!

I especially liked "Race round the Clock-Face from cradle to pall". What a great way of saying from birth til death.
Yes, time unravels us all!

Best wishes for the contest, Steve!

Connie :)

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thanks, Connie

Just trying to be a bit different in my kiwi way...

Steve

Comment from shortwerks

Excellent

As always, I really enjoy your work.

This is a great subject for the ABCD poem.

May I make a couple of small suggestions?

I believe the word is spelled "till", not "til", though I realize it may be different in different countries. I'm in America, so I've been whipped into shape re the spelling of "till".

I want to suggest that you might be able to come up with something more specific in your last line, the final part of it. Does that make sense? Unless, of course, you meant to say "As Time the...".

Also, must tell you how much I love your line, "Snatch at the Roses that die as they fall,". Very nice.

Thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure to read you work. Good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thanks for the thoughtful review.

I've just been to check on 'til vs till vs until - interestingly till came first, followed several hundred years later by until and the abbreviated form 'til is relatively recent.

All pretty much interchangeable, although 'til is sometimes frowned upon as informal. I learnt something.

I've re-read the last line(s) and realise ther may be some ambiguity. The meaning intended in the last line is that time 'does for us all' i.e. kills us and is not related to the previous line - does that make sense?

Thanks agai.

Steve

Comment from SLHarper

Excellent

A very cool ABC entry... Again, better than mine! Yours rhymes. I like the phrase, "from cradle to pall" -- yes, that does about cover things... Lol! I think this is probably hovering over that borderline between your "real" and "fake" poetry. It is light, unencumbered, and yet dead serious, and true. I like it, Steve. Your poetic voice is so strong and defined -- I could probably pick you out anywhere (that is a good thing!). You are going for that #1 spot this year, aren't you? I hope you make it! You are an awesome writer! Cheers! Steph

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thanks, Steph, once again, for the great (and flattering) review. Am I going for #1? No, too much hard work involved and too many poems required. Am I going for the $100 prize? definitely yes - I need the money!

I reckon I've been here long enough to have some ide of what the judges like, but with short forms like this it's not easy to stand out, so I go for something different - in this case mock-philosophical - I couldn't be a philosopher if I tried - haven't got the brain for it - but I've had some interesting reactions to what people thought I was saying...

Thanks again.

Steve

Comment from juliaSjames

Excellent

Excellent poem in ABC format, Steve.

Rhyme is your forte, and I admire your creative mono-rhyming in this declamatory verse.

Good metaphors for our hectic life style, embellished by excellent verb choice - fight, race, snatch, question. We're all still about five years old, aren't we?

The final line has a hint of mocking irony that perfectly fits your picture of a ball of yarn - or vice versa.

Best of luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Julia, thanks so much for this thoughtful and insightful review.

I think I toggle between five years old and 105 years old!

Steve

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Wow, S, this is awesome. A very strong entry for the ABC contest. Potently voiced and effectively presented. Great title.

Superb pacing and enjambment. Usually I do not like poems that have all the same end rhymes but in this case it enhances the pacing, tone and intensity superbly and sounds super read aloud. Brilliant.

Also, eloquent!

Good alliteration of C & Q and R sounds in first two lines:

Question the Maker and fight for the Ball;
Race round the Clock-Face from cradle to pall;

For lucid cadence and easy readability, I strongly recommend using commas here:

'Til Love(,) the Great Leveller(,) renders us small

And Time(,) the Unraveller(,) does for us all.

The caps all work well, except I found this one distracting:

Clock-Face

My recommendation (optional):

Clock-face

Almost a six. Bravo.

Good Luck.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2014

Thanks, Rama

I take your point about the commas and probably the extra cap in clock-face too. Will fix.

I always appreciate your thoughtful and constructive reviews.

Steve

reply by rama devi on 12-Feb-2014

:-))