A Wish Upon a Star
short prose piece26 total reviews
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is jaw-dropping powerful. It is realistically written as a child would perceive the dysfunctionalism-always blaming themselves for the problems. Neglect is the worst. I suspect you and I know it first hand. Well done. Well, you know how I feel about contests. LOL :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Mikey, this is jaw-dropping powerful. It is realistically written as a child would perceive the dysfunctionalism-always blaming themselves for the problems. Neglect is the worst. I suspect you and I know it first hand. Well done. Well, you know how I feel about contests. LOL :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Yes, this is the main problem with contests. It makes it so your regular readers don't get to see your work. I think that is the biggest drawback. I often don't enter just for that reason. But, I did win a contest yesterday! Personification of winter. "Winter's Concubine". But, I still wish my peeps could have seen my poem too. But, I am pleased you liked this. Better than losing a contest and nobody seeing it!! mikey
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Congrats! Yes, I didn't know who won, but that's my fault because I don't check or vote typically. Too bad we can't have both. :0 GracieAnn
Comment from Ben Colder
Sorry you missed the dead line. Very nice write how children can hear things sometimes out of perspective. Sometimes that is. Shalom my friend. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Sorry you missed the dead line. Very nice write how children can hear things sometimes out of perspective. Sometimes that is. Shalom my friend. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Very true. Good insights. thank you kindly. shalom, mikey
Comment from Nosha17
Any child's nightmare, parents fighting and the child feels he/she is to blame. You have conveyed your message by the use of vivid imagery of the child's torment. Good use of language in the descriptions and narrative. Enjoyable read. Faye
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Any child's nightmare, parents fighting and the child feels he/she is to blame. You have conveyed your message by the use of vivid imagery of the child's torment. Good use of language in the descriptions and narrative. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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How very encouraging. So pleased you liked it. Great compliments, mikey
Comment from krys123
An excellent written short story, Mikey. You have chosen a topic that I think every child is gone through it one time or another. Listening to an argument home weather be about them up or something else. That disheartening displeasure between parents trickles down right to the child and you have handled it very well in this story. Use of imagery was very good. I found a few semantic errors but the syntax was really done well. Thank you for sharing. May you be blessed.
Alex
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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An excellent written short story, Mikey. You have chosen a topic that I think every child is gone through it one time or another. Listening to an argument home weather be about them up or something else. That disheartening displeasure between parents trickles down right to the child and you have handled it very well in this story. Use of imagery was very good. I found a few semantic errors but the syntax was really done well. Thank you for sharing. May you be blessed.
Alex
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much. I remember the arguments and feelings I had well. Fortunately it was not too often for me. Appreciate the insights as always. Blessings, mikey
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Caviar so sincerely welcome Mikey. I grew up in a family where arguments with traditional. Nearly every day. I was a child of an alcoholic father.
Comment from l.raven
OH Michael, Tears....this is so heartbreaking...I would never fight in front of my kids...or take it out on them...I really just don't like fighting...but you made this so real...adults are adults...they should control their selves in front of their kids... no child should feel he/she is the problem...Michael this is so well written...and once again the perfect picture...Luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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OH Michael, Tears....this is so heartbreaking...I would never fight in front of my kids...or take it out on them...I really just don't like fighting...but you made this so real...adults are adults...they should control their selves in front of their kids... no child should feel he/she is the problem...Michael this is so well written...and once again the perfect picture...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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It has a terrible affect on kids. They do think it is their fault. Very sad. mikey
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Mikey,
Long time no review ... I'm so behind. So glad to catch one of your pieces.
I love how you've entered the child's head. The voice of confusion, terror and despair, is so loud and heartrending.
I wonder if you could find a suitable break and have more paragraphs - at least two ..?
Great title - fabulous concluding line.
I wish upon a star. ... This line may be more effective as a single, one line paragraph.
Well done!
Until next time,
Sonali
And the farther I go(,) the softer and softer the screaming gets
nothing and hear nothing(,) and I become nothing.
better things, to do besides come (downstairs)
I know(,) now(,) that it is my fault
Why am I too stupid to even open the door(?)
I (lie) there on my bed(,) hoping that I can go to
I hope (that) I will dream of opening the door. I hope
(that) I will go away. I hope (that) the screaming will get softer and softer until it is gone .... Mikey, a wee tip. IF a line reads the same without 'that' .. drop it. It makes for 'tighter', neater lines and a smoother read overall.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Hello Mikey,
Long time no review ... I'm so behind. So glad to catch one of your pieces.
I love how you've entered the child's head. The voice of confusion, terror and despair, is so loud and heartrending.
I wonder if you could find a suitable break and have more paragraphs - at least two ..?
Great title - fabulous concluding line.
I wish upon a star. ... This line may be more effective as a single, one line paragraph.
Well done!
Until next time,
Sonali
And the farther I go(,) the softer and softer the screaming gets
nothing and hear nothing(,) and I become nothing.
better things, to do besides come (downstairs)
I know(,) now(,) that it is my fault
Why am I too stupid to even open the door(?)
I (lie) there on my bed(,) hoping that I can go to
I hope (that) I will dream of opening the door. I hope
(that) I will go away. I hope (that) the screaming will get softer and softer until it is gone .... Mikey, a wee tip. IF a line reads the same without 'that' .. drop it. It makes for 'tighter', neater lines and a smoother read overall.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Hi. Thank you for all of your great help. I like it as one paragraph, I think. But, I did set the one line off as you suggested. Yes! I took out the "Thats". Yes, not needed at all are they. All other repairs made as noted. That makes a huge difference when I read it now. Thank you so much. Learning, Learning, learning! mikey
Comment from Petriesan
dream that I walk - -could drop the "that"
a question - I never can get further and farther straight, but this time, it feels like it ought to be "further" IS there a rule I keep screwing up?
Great point of view
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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dream that I walk - -could drop the "that"
a question - I never can get further and farther straight, but this time, it feels like it ought to be "further" IS there a rule I keep screwing up?
Great point of view
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Some movie had the answer. I forget the movie, but farther has to do with distance like waking down the road and further has to do with advancing something like a project. Of course, I get it wrong half the time anyway! I took out all of the "thats", great tip. Thank you kindly, mikey
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I agree. Children live in fear and their need for security is very real. Their feelings are very fragile because they know nothing about life yet. Good story here Mike. I think you are a talented writer. Nancy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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I agree. Children live in fear and their need for security is very real. Their feelings are very fragile because they know nothing about life yet. Good story here Mike. I think you are a talented writer. Nancy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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You are most encouraging. Very appreciated. Glad you liked this, mikey
Comment from nelliesellie
This is a great story of child neglect. It sounds exactly like a child would feel. This is one reason why parents should never say they are staying to together because of the kids. If you want to do anything for your kids, don't fight. The only thing you are teaching them is how to be miserable people. Great work.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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This is a great story of child neglect. It sounds exactly like a child would feel. This is one reason why parents should never say they are staying to together because of the kids. If you want to do anything for your kids, don't fight. The only thing you are teaching them is how to be miserable people. Great work.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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So pleased you liked it. Your insights are on the money. Always are, mikey
Comment from robina1978
It is a really sad story. You want to go home but your parents are screaming. Was it just a nightmare about your past? And did you miss the prompt?
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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It is a really sad story. You want to go home but your parents are screaming. Was it just a nightmare about your past? And did you miss the prompt?
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Yeah, missed it. But, sometimes the prompts give me good ideas! mikey
