The Devil by Firelight, part 3
Patrick amuses himself30 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
I expected Patrick to antagonize Jenny, but you've taken it far beyond anything I would have imagined. Patrick is truly the devil. My feelings are based on your superb descriptions and dialogue. Now I know I won't be able to guess what happens next. This is great storytelling.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2023
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I expected Patrick to antagonize Jenny, but you've taken it far beyond anything I would have imagined. Patrick is truly the devil. My feelings are based on your superb descriptions and dialogue. Now I know I won't be able to guess what happens next. This is great storytelling.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2023
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Thank you. I don't think I could write anything this dark now. It's an old piece. But it fit his character. Thank you for this. Gretchen
Comment from Ric Myworld
This is way out of character for what you usually write, but like with everything else you certainly have a knack for it. And it definitely shows your versatility. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2023
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This is way out of character for what you usually write, but like with everything else you certainly have a knack for it. And it definitely shows your versatility. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2023
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Thank you. I wrote this several years ago. I'm glad it's up to snuff. Gretchen
Comment from Irene Bratton
Hi, Gretchen. This one is really chilling. It caused a knot in my stomach that made me want to jump in there and save Jenny. Patrick is a very disturbed/disturbing character that you've done an excellent job of creating.
More corrections for this one. I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Paragraph 7:
"Right now we're going..." --> comma after "now"
Paragraph 14:
"Every part of her, from her head down hurt." --> "Every part of her hurt."
"First it was the pain of her body, then it was..." --> "First, it was the pain of her body; then, it was..."
Paragraph 16:
"He many not have been as out and out evil as his brother..." --> This confuses me. Suggestion: "He may not have been as evil as his brother..."
Paragraph 36:
"He twisted his fingers and stared to drag her across the floor, towards the living room..." --> "stared" should be "started"; no comma after "floor"
Paragraph 38:
"With a great amount of force he shoved her backwards." --> "...force, he..."
(End nitpicking)
Ugh. Again, this is so chilling. I didn't like Patrick from the start, but now? You've done such a great job building his personality that I feel like he's real. And Jenny? Poor Jenny. The same goes for her character. She acts exactly as I suspect a young girl would in this situation. My stomach knot is growing. Great work again.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2023
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Hi, Gretchen. This one is really chilling. It caused a knot in my stomach that made me want to jump in there and save Jenny. Patrick is a very disturbed/disturbing character that you've done an excellent job of creating.
More corrections for this one. I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Paragraph 7:
"Right now we're going..." --> comma after "now"
Paragraph 14:
"Every part of her, from her head down hurt." --> "Every part of her hurt."
"First it was the pain of her body, then it was..." --> "First, it was the pain of her body; then, it was..."
Paragraph 16:
"He many not have been as out and out evil as his brother..." --> This confuses me. Suggestion: "He may not have been as evil as his brother..."
Paragraph 36:
"He twisted his fingers and stared to drag her across the floor, towards the living room..." --> "stared" should be "started"; no comma after "floor"
Paragraph 38:
"With a great amount of force he shoved her backwards." --> "...force, he..."
(End nitpicking)
Ugh. Again, this is so chilling. I didn't like Patrick from the start, but now? You've done such a great job building his personality that I feel like he's real. And Jenny? Poor Jenny. The same goes for her character. She acts exactly as I suspect a young girl would in this situation. My stomach knot is growing. Great work again.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2023
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Never, never, never apologize for helping me. This is awesome. I appreciate the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
These guys are crazy, or at least the older one is. Her brother must be in agony. I can understand she will do anything to help her brother, but Patrick seems like he is going to ask everything of her.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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These guys are crazy, or at least the older one is. Her brother must be in agony. I can understand she will do anything to help her brother, but Patrick seems like he is going to ask everything of her.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Patrick wants to control everyone. He wants to inflict pain and make people miserable. He wants to destroy Jenny's goodness. Thank you for this. Gretchen
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Gretchen,
the devil sounds like a good description for these two yahoos. It's times like these when all the talk of gun control go out the window. If only Jenny had one available, the situation would be very different. Bullets have a way of evening out the playing field. Great read gal.
Blessings,
Tom
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Hello Gretchen,
the devil sounds like a good description for these two yahoos. It's times like these when all the talk of gun control go out the window. If only Jenny had one available, the situation would be very different. Bullets have a way of evening out the playing field. Great read gal.
Blessings,
Tom
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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I agree. But this is about cunning Patrick and clever jenny. Besides I don't know enough about guns to use them in my stories. But I like how you think. Lol. Thank you for this. Gretchen
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing part 3 with us. I came to part 4, then searched so I could read this one first. I will go back to part 4 now. You are doing a good job with this story. Yes, it's dark.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Thank you for sharing part 3 with us. I came to part 4, then searched so I could read this one first. I will go back to part 4 now. You are doing a good job with this story. Yes, it's dark.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Thank you, Barbara. I appreciate this. Gretchen
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, Gretchen! This man needs a knife stuck up his backside! I'd do it for her. He isn't human, and I can't understand Fin doing all he asks. He knows what his brother is going to do, yet he stands by and doesn't even try to help. This is a hard story, my friend, but I need to read on! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Oh, Gretchen! This man needs a knife stuck up his backside! I'd do it for her. He isn't human, and I can't understand Fin doing all he asks. He knows what his brother is going to do, yet he stands by and doesn't even try to help. This is a hard story, my friend, but I need to read on! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Drop out if you can't stomach it. It's pure evil versus good and right. Fin is scared of his brother. Loves him but knows what he's like. Gretchen
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No, I won't drop out. The story is good, and I want to know what happens next. xxx
Comment from JSD
Yuck! That's gross. I am beginning to see that this is as much an exploration of how evil people can be, in contrast with the love and survival instincts of Jeremy and Jenny.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Yuck! That's gross. I am beginning to see that this is as much an exploration of how evil people can be, in contrast with the love and survival instincts of Jeremy and Jenny.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Thank you. If this proves too much, stop. I know this story is upsetting. Gretchen
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Still reading. It is still good. And she will win. How old is her brother? How old is she? Whereabouts do they live? Jenny has grit and will peservere. Karen
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Still reading. It is still good. And she will win. How old is her brother? How old is she? Whereabouts do they live? Jenny has grit and will peservere. Karen
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Shes a senior. Jeremy is about fifteen. Who knows what will happen. Gretchen
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okay
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Comment from Wendy G
Yes, very dark indeed. And yet some people are just as evil as you described. Having had a broken foot with shards of bone torn away and terrible tendon and ligament damage, your description of him kicking Jeremy's ankle was almost enough to make me scream in pain too. How on earth will they get out of this?
Wendy
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Yes, very dark indeed. And yet some people are just as evil as you described. Having had a broken foot with shards of bone torn away and terrible tendon and ligament damage, your description of him kicking Jeremy's ankle was almost enough to make me scream in pain too. How on earth will they get out of this?
Wendy
Comment Written 16-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2023
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Hopefully, good will triumph over evil. Thank you fir this. Gretchen
