Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Eve of the Irsdan"Science fiction.
32 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Bill,
Your background notes promised an intriguing and fascinating read - I wasn't disappointed.
Your pieces are always "different" in subject: out of the ordinary!
Have a wonderful week.
Sonali
"He could have killed my (C)ybil!" /
We weren't aware that Ernesto and (S)ybil even .. is the name spelt with C or S?
It's amazing that he didn't," said the (redhead).
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Hello Bill,
Your background notes promised an intriguing and fascinating read - I wasn't disappointed.
Your pieces are always "different" in subject: out of the ordinary!
Have a wonderful week.
Sonali
"He could have killed my (C)ybil!" /
We weren't aware that Ernesto and (S)ybil even .. is the name spelt with C or S?
It's amazing that he didn't," said the (redhead).
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much for giving this a look and for the excellent review. I thought I had caught all of those 'Sybil's. Happy days! Bill
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
you're so clever at describing these grisly scenes, I can almost picture it - what a terrible thing for a teenage girl to witness - she'll be disturbed for life. The dialogue flows naturally throughout.
so well told and well presented, Bill.
margaret
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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you're so clever at describing these grisly scenes, I can almost picture it - what a terrible thing for a teenage girl to witness - she'll be disturbed for life. The dialogue flows naturally throughout.
so well told and well presented, Bill.
margaret
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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I am quite flattered and humbled by this excellent review, Margaret. Thank you for taking a look at this.
Comment from JB Lynn
You seem to have a good grasp of the techniques of dialogue, but there are several places where quotation marks appear to be missing. I'm betting this is more a result of a glitch when you uploaded this, but you might want to re-read this carefully with an eye toward that.
The world would know.
-This has a nice ominous tone to it, and certainly foreshadows more drama to come. Good way to keep your readers intrigued and wanting more.
Ah-hah! So it seems that several characters in this story are not what they seem. So much for the innocent sixteen-year-old act.
I haven't read anything else from this story, but the pacing feels fine. I'm drawn into the plot, and I believe each of the characters is critically motivated to achieve their goals. With several characters already being pegged as lying about who they are, I imagine this story has many surprises and twists which are always a delight for a reader when done well.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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You seem to have a good grasp of the techniques of dialogue, but there are several places where quotation marks appear to be missing. I'm betting this is more a result of a glitch when you uploaded this, but you might want to re-read this carefully with an eye toward that.
The world would know.
-This has a nice ominous tone to it, and certainly foreshadows more drama to come. Good way to keep your readers intrigued and wanting more.
Ah-hah! So it seems that several characters in this story are not what they seem. So much for the innocent sixteen-year-old act.
I haven't read anything else from this story, but the pacing feels fine. I'm drawn into the plot, and I believe each of the characters is critically motivated to achieve their goals. With several characters already being pegged as lying about who they are, I imagine this story has many surprises and twists which are always a delight for a reader when done well.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank, JB, for the excellent review. Bill
Comment from c_lucas
I have not been following this story and cannot make comments on it or your characters. However, I can comment on your writing style which is very good. I'm impressed. Good luck with your endeavor.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I have not been following this story and cannot make comments on it or your characters. However, I can comment on your writing style which is very good. I'm impressed. Good luck with your endeavor.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Charlie, for the kind review. If you'd like to make a slow fifty cents there're another 25 chapters. Happy days!
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Bill you are talented, but the spare time remaining of my life (I'm seventy- with long term medical problems) is being spent on marketing my work. Charlie
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I was, of course, kidding. Great success with your endeavors. May comfort and serenity be your constants.
Comment from MelReyn
Good evening Bill.
I'm new to this story so I don't know the big picture. This means I'm in a position to look at the smaller things.
I'm not down in this scene. I don't know your intentions. Omniscient third or limited third. But I can tell you my experience. I felt like a fly on the wall. I didn't feel as though I was looking through any particular character's eyes. But this may be the effect you want.
I realize that with so many people in this scene you must use dialogue tags with every line so we know who is speaking. I see their necessity, but a great many of them tell me how the person is feeling. Accused, directed, suggested... these are all sneaky ways to tell emotion instead of showing it. There is no body language to give me a picture in my mind.
I connect to the action in the last couple paragraphs with Raleigh. You give me the picture of him staring out the window and reveal his impure intentions. This is a good cliff hanger.
The dialogue does a good job of moving this chapter forward and adding action. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but that is my own short coming.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Good evening Bill.
I'm new to this story so I don't know the big picture. This means I'm in a position to look at the smaller things.
I'm not down in this scene. I don't know your intentions. Omniscient third or limited third. But I can tell you my experience. I felt like a fly on the wall. I didn't feel as though I was looking through any particular character's eyes. But this may be the effect you want.
I realize that with so many people in this scene you must use dialogue tags with every line so we know who is speaking. I see their necessity, but a great many of them tell me how the person is feeling. Accused, directed, suggested... these are all sneaky ways to tell emotion instead of showing it. There is no body language to give me a picture in my mind.
I connect to the action in the last couple paragraphs with Raleigh. You give me the picture of him staring out the window and reveal his impure intentions. This is a good cliff hanger.
The dialogue does a good job of moving this chapter forward and adding action. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but that is my own short coming.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Mel, for the interesting and thoughtful review. I have been advised about the body language aspect before; thank you for pointing this out. Bill.
Comment from chasennov
Pale Sisters. 'Eve of the Irsdan.' This is another of your excellent chapters you have crafted here, which I enjoyed reading very much. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Pale Sisters. 'Eve of the Irsdan.' This is another of your excellent chapters you have crafted here, which I enjoyed reading very much. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Thank you for reviewing.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from emrpoems
Good dialogue especially when the cops argue about who should be blamed.
Very descriptive language so that good imagery is created
loved the closing lines
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Good dialogue especially when the cops argue about who should be blamed.
Very descriptive language so that good imagery is created
loved the closing lines
Comment Written 01-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2014
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from JoshuaFrame
Keep up the great work! I loved this chapter and you do a great job of showing rather than just saying. Thanks for the read! :) A good read always makes up for a boring day!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Keep up the great work! I loved this chapter and you do a great job of showing rather than just saying. Thanks for the read! :) A good read always makes up for a boring day!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This is the first chapter of your work I have read. The story is very well written and carries the reader form the first word to the last. It seems this is a world of deception, murder, and soon to be mayhem. Excellent write.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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This is the first chapter of your work I have read. The story is very well written and carries the reader form the first word to the last. It seems this is a world of deception, murder, and soon to be mayhem. Excellent write.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for the great review. Bill
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You're very welcome, Bill.
Comment from lindalcreel
What a way to end the chapter, with so many questions not answered. It seems that Raleigh is the master-mind behind all of this and is playing the others like a fiddle. not sure if that's the right description, but you get the gist of it. Lots of intrigue and suspense, and still don't know who to trust and who not to trust. But the plot is great and so are the characters. Thanks so much for sharing an enjoyable read that kept me on the edge of my seat.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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What a way to end the chapter, with so many questions not answered. It seems that Raleigh is the master-mind behind all of this and is playing the others like a fiddle. not sure if that's the right description, but you get the gist of it. Lots of intrigue and suspense, and still don't know who to trust and who not to trust. But the plot is great and so are the characters. Thanks so much for sharing an enjoyable read that kept me on the edge of my seat.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you, Linda, for the terrific review. Bill
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So welcome:)
