Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Eve of the Irsdan"Science fiction.
32 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I thought this was very good, Bill. Obviously, I've missed a great deal of things and can't comment on plot or characters, but I thought it had enough intrigue to keep me reading. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Sybil even knew each other."--You use two variant spellings for Sybil and Cybil.
"We missed him on the cleanup and he may be out to get us."--Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
Clay assured Amanda that all records of Cybil's involvement in the murder had been deleted and, with the description of Rawls, they had enough to go on without putting the girl in the picture at all.-- Highly recommend moving your comma from after and to before and.
I thought for sure he was going to kill me too; or worse."--Suggest no punctuation after too.
His mission was to get one of the Pale sisters to Antarctica, and to the exact location for the greatest refraction.--Suggest no comma after Antarctica.
The location of his final destination, in the middle of the Sahara Desert was verified.--Suggest another comma after Desert.
My last comment would be to have some sort of character list and a brief description of plot in the author's notes.
Overall, good work on this part. I will check out more.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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I thought this was very good, Bill. Obviously, I've missed a great deal of things and can't comment on plot or characters, but I thought it had enough intrigue to keep me reading. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Sybil even knew each other."--You use two variant spellings for Sybil and Cybil.
"We missed him on the cleanup and he may be out to get us."--Suggest a comma before and because you have two complete sentences.
Clay assured Amanda that all records of Cybil's involvement in the murder had been deleted and, with the description of Rawls, they had enough to go on without putting the girl in the picture at all.-- Highly recommend moving your comma from after and to before and.
I thought for sure he was going to kill me too; or worse."--Suggest no punctuation after too.
His mission was to get one of the Pale sisters to Antarctica, and to the exact location for the greatest refraction.--Suggest no comma after Antarctica.
The location of his final destination, in the middle of the Sahara Desert was verified.--Suggest another comma after Desert.
My last comment would be to have some sort of character list and a brief description of plot in the author's notes.
Overall, good work on this part. I will check out more.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Commas are my nemesis. Thank you for giving this a shake down. Bill
Comment from Brett Matthew West
A re-write sometimes does indeed improve the plot of a posting.
Believe I reviewed the original edition as well, and my comments remain as they were stated then.
Plenty of progression throughout the tale, interesting storyline, and several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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A re-write sometimes does indeed improve the plot of a posting.
Believe I reviewed the original edition as well, and my comments remain as they were stated then.
Plenty of progression throughout the tale, interesting storyline, and several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thanks, Brett
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
I found some missing quotes: (quote before 'if') If Amanda had done her part," accused Cy, "this would never have happened." (quote before 'let's') Let's not lose our heads, Cy," said Winston, defending his wife. "We are all doing our jobs and can handle anything that arises."
Good sentences/paragraphs: "I'll go now," stated Amanda; with a touch on Winston Lee's hand, she turned and headed out the door. "By the end of the night I may have, but that yeti (Yeti) ruined everything. I thought for sure he was going to kill me too; (i don't think you need a semi-colon) or worse. "The trace had been planned (comma between two full sentences connected by 'and') and all that remained was to begin the ascent with one of the little queens. He would have to make it there in what would be a record climb, with a young child in tow.
Bill, make sure that my edits are correct.
Happy Fourth of July.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Hello, :)
I found some missing quotes: (quote before 'if') If Amanda had done her part," accused Cy, "this would never have happened." (quote before 'let's') Let's not lose our heads, Cy," said Winston, defending his wife. "We are all doing our jobs and can handle anything that arises."
Good sentences/paragraphs: "I'll go now," stated Amanda; with a touch on Winston Lee's hand, she turned and headed out the door. "By the end of the night I may have, but that yeti (Yeti) ruined everything. I thought for sure he was going to kill me too; (i don't think you need a semi-colon) or worse. "The trace had been planned (comma between two full sentences connected by 'and') and all that remained was to begin the ascent with one of the little queens. He would have to make it there in what would be a record climb, with a young child in tow.
Bill, make sure that my edits are correct.
Happy Fourth of July.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thanks, Rasmine. I thought I'd covered those quotes. Guess not. Bill
Comment from lyenochka
The drama and dialog are action-packed and move well. I'm not sure what the color-coding means. Does the color change mean that the setting changed? I thought the beginning of the blue section could start with more dialog.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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The drama and dialog are action-packed and move well. I'm not sure what the color-coding means. Does the color change mean that the setting changed? I thought the beginning of the blue section could start with more dialog.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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The color change is a setting shift. These were once all separate chapters that Inhave brought together. My first draft was almost entirely narrative so I have included a lot more dialogue. Still some spots, as you saw, that could be punched up more. Thanks for giving this look.
Comment from Dawn Munro
1) "eyewitness" - one word
2) I will mention it, only because a writer whose work I absolutely love and respect said the same thing to me long ago (and I STILL want to do it): adverbs - tsk tsk - not good. And using anything other than "said", ditto.
But I still do that too...*smile*...a LITTLE...
3) "...put a deeper draw in her breath..." - sorry, Bill - this seems a bit awkward. Perhaps try something like, "The thought of Amanda and her father made her take a deep breath. She sighed. She could picture the two..."
Nothing like dropping in on your story, huh?
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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1) "eyewitness" - one word
2) I will mention it, only because a writer whose work I absolutely love and respect said the same thing to me long ago (and I STILL want to do it): adverbs - tsk tsk - not good. And using anything other than "said", ditto.
But I still do that too...*smile*...a LITTLE...
3) "...put a deeper draw in her breath..." - sorry, Bill - this seems a bit awkward. Perhaps try something like, "The thought of Amanda and her father made her take a deep breath. She sighed. She could picture the two..."
Nothing like dropping in on your story, huh?
Comment Written 01-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Dawn, for giving this a once over. Bill
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My pleasure. :)
Comment from sunao
Wow! This is brilliant! I heard of coroners while I was studying a certain math course in university. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I enjoyed reading it. Have a splendid day!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Wow! This is brilliant! I heard of coroners while I was studying a certain math course in university. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I enjoyed reading it. Have a splendid day!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thanks, sunao.
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Your welcome!
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Your welcome!
Comment from lalajovanoski
Hello my dear friend, I very much enjoyed reading this beautifully written story. I think that the content is amazing and the structure in the flow of this is very smoothly done. I really like this because it had a strong image in my mind that was very clear. Thank you very much for sharing this. With love la
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Hello my dear friend, I very much enjoyed reading this beautifully written story. I think that the content is amazing and the structure in the flow of this is very smoothly done. I really like this because it had a strong image in my mind that was very clear. Thank you very much for sharing this. With love la
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you, lalajovanoski, for the neat review. Bill
Comment from Cybertron1986
The first three paragraphs had me hooked with the vivid description of the murder scene and the girl hiding, though hearing the screams of the victim.
The dialogue was rather genuine, and it allowed the reader to relate with the rise of the story's mystery.
I had a difficult time following the characters since I just came in to this chapter, and, hence, could not identify the roles and names quickly. In addition, I'm curious to know what the "Irsdan" is. However, overall, it is a chapter that is worth providing substance to the overall product.
The last sentence, "Soon, it would the time of the Irsdan."
Is there something missing?
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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The first three paragraphs had me hooked with the vivid description of the murder scene and the girl hiding, though hearing the screams of the victim.
The dialogue was rather genuine, and it allowed the reader to relate with the rise of the story's mystery.
I had a difficult time following the characters since I just came in to this chapter, and, hence, could not identify the roles and names quickly. In addition, I'm curious to know what the "Irsdan" is. However, overall, it is a chapter that is worth providing substance to the overall product.
The last sentence, "Soon, it would the time of the Irsdan."
Is there something missing?
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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This chapter 26 so I need to include some catch up data for newer readers
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
In this fiction, it is nice to read always something new in the plot, here so many plots added to the theme; business world, deals, engagements, memoirs all go in progression; I liked.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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In this fiction, it is nice to read always something new in the plot, here so many plots added to the theme; business world, deals, engagements, memoirs all go in progression; I liked.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks, ALD. Yes, it's fiction.
Comment from smbau
If intent of author was to horrify the reader, the first few paragraphs achieved the goal. The chapter was divided in three scenes. Like the story, it is full of suspense, makes the reader want to read more and great dialogue. I gave four because I missed the connection of contents and character from one scene to the other. May consider describing the surroundings of Winston Lee, listing characters and their roles under authors note. This may help improve the storyline connection. My 2 cents
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reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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If intent of author was to horrify the reader, the first few paragraphs achieved the goal. The chapter was divided in three scenes. Like the story, it is full of suspense, makes the reader want to read more and great dialogue. I gave four because I missed the connection of contents and character from one scene to the other. May consider describing the surroundings of Winston Lee, listing characters and their roles under authors note. This may help improve the storyline connection. My 2 cents
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Being chapter 26 there are a few things that have led up to this. I will take your advice list the players from now on.
