Comment from TheWriteTeach

Excellent

The plot thickens - Brad profiled Julia spot on. It is interesting that Brad hasn't questioned where Julia's money comes from. He had to realize the condo she bought was more than a few nickels! Now that she told him she was divorced, he'll have questions. This story is rockin!

Suz

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2014

I figure that since Brad knows the kind of money you have to have available to go to the clinic, he figures its nothing new. I figure, with the people I've known with this kind of money, they think everyone is the same. It's strange. Really.

So happy you like it, Suz and we're about to take off.

Hugs and thanks,
Gayle

Comment from Scarbrems

Excellent

Well, wow. Ari's not a very nice chap, is he? Crumbs. OK, so I'm in on chapter twelve, here, obviously a lot has gone on...I now have to start from the beginning, but jeeze, you've got it all going on. Just looking at your notes, CIA contract killers, new faces, talk about packing in the drama.

Some lovely dialogue, natural with a good flow. Nice juxtaposition here between the violence of the opener, and the tranquillity of the patio. Nice closing paragraph, where the story we get in the first half is re-told without being re-told. Neatly done, nice way of characters revealing their story to other characters without lengthy telling.

I'll go back to the beginning, but typing makes my back hurt at the moment, so this could be fits and starts. Bear with me. Emma

 Comment Written 30-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014

Oh, my dear Emma! What a wonderful review and thank you so much. I can't say how much I appreciate your words.

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from lludlow

Excellent

Moving alone nicely, but I think the first part - her attack, flee, and Geneva - should come earlier in the story. Some of it is repetitive. Put it all closer to the beginning.
Great work. Only two little things: What color is her dyed hair and can she scream two weeks after having her tongue cut out?
Looking forward to more.

 Comment Written 26-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014

Hey there, good to see you.

Okay, back in the beginning, we had so much narrative, not only about the clinic but about Hali, that even I got to a bit of sensory overload. What I did was give the reader just enough to ring true.

Hair. Okay, most Arabs have black hair or very close to it. When she got it cut, she had them weave in lighter shades of brown, especially around her face, to give a bit of light. I'm hoping to find just the right picture for the front page.

Thanks so much for the great comments and review,

Gayle

Comment from Writingfundimension

Exceptional

You take us from the pre-Julia's horror to the wonders of her new life in California with assurance and obvious talent, Gayle. I'm a little unsure how she's able to be speaking with her tongue cut out. Was it re-attached or something? Otherwise, I find absolutely nothing I would clarify or change. Hugs, Bev

 Comment Written 26-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014

Hey Bev,

Yes, they attached a 'new tongue tip' in the second chapter, I think. I had to get away from that 'writing on her tablet' thingy. Made me crazy!

When this one first started I had, like four pages of solid narrative about Hali. It was a short story of its own and just more than most Fanstorians want in one gulp. Lots of telling, for one thing. So I broke off about half and served it up in Ch. 12, lol.

Judging from that gorgeous sixer you liked this one, too. I thank you kindly for the honor, especially from one so talented.

Y'know, when I first start a novel I find myself, as the author, in overload. If I have a character yet, he/she's in full go mode and I'm just along for the ride. Or, no character has yet emerged, perhaps in mini-outline at best, and I just keep typing, and she - somewhere - becomes real to me, develops a personality, becomes the actual character that I can finally see.

That's why all my books start out so differently. I'm letting my hero come out bit by bit, unless it's one of my core four.

Anyhoo, thanks so much for the outstanding rating and comments,

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by Writingfundimension on 26-Jan-2014

Gayle, I'm very appreciative of you sharing your insights into your writing process. That's always fascinating to me. And, like you, my writing shifts a lot as I go along. That's happened in my current project. It's a delicate dance for sure. And you're doing a great job with it. Thanks for clarifying the tongue issue. Makes sense, of course.

Hugs, Bev

Comment from Rdfrdmom2

Exceptional

Hey, Gayle:

The kids have been out of school all week, and I haven't
had to teach night school or sub all week, so I've had
a little extra time to spend here. I'd forgotten just how
much I've missed it - especially your writings! By the
way, which one of your pups owns the '94 red Jag?

thanks for sharing - can't wait to find out who Zack, turned Brad. discovered on his last mission

love,
jan

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014

lol, Jan, Terry got the Jag via Bob, lol. Amy belongs to Ella, and thinks she should have her own Jag, lol.

Thanks so much for the read and review, my friend. Always love seeing you!

hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

This is a 'dream come true' kind of story. I must say I'm enjoying the luxury of it, the buying spree and the new outfits etc... always balm to a girl's soul. I find this story most engaging, Gayle

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014

Oh Gayle, we're similar in more than just name! I love reading and writing about wealth and all the fun things having it brings. Like, who wants to read about endless grinding poverty, huh? And right now, it's a bit of a love story in the making and definitely chic-lit.

Comment from TervLass

Excellent

This nicely paced, enjoyable read serves to reinforce the horror of Julia's life and her reason for fleeing to the US. Activities (shopping, alerting apartment building staff) position her within a certain "strata" of society; readers readily accept how capably she will function at that level.

Likewise, Brad's dialogue serves as a testing ground, too. Permitting both characters to experiment - to express aspects of their new selves (and back stories,) smoothly moves the plot along.

That Julia wants revenge is understandable, and we sense she will be walking a thin line between safety and danger before long.

This line gives great punch:
"Getting away from his control was bad enough, but to find that she'd found a new life with a beautiful new face, that she had the freedom she'd always wanted, here in her adopted country, would eat him alive." Especially appreciate, "...the freedom she'd always wanted" for it pulls whispers of her Hali-life-experience into the now.

Helen (TervLass)

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014

I've been holding my breath, Helen, hoping no one would feel like I was head hopping with Julia and Brad. Actually, no one mentioned it one way or the other. I'm just one of those who isn't bothered by multiple pov as long as the writing is clear. I remember reading a book - think it was by Scott Card and it talked about pov, passives, and a variety of other personal style issues authors have. It gave lots of space to passive voice, and when done correctly sets up that Bronte-esque voice that I find positively intriguing. You know what they say: write what you know. I'll add one more: write what you love, because it shows.

My fave authors - Taylor Cauldwell, Daphne du Maurier, they have this way of painting word pictures that stay in my mind far longer than even snappy dialogue, unless it's from Inspector Clouseau - 'that is not my dog!' He just cracked me up. A tremendous loss to the acting world, RIP, Peter!

Anyway, I can't thank you enough for the dedicated responses, the parts you pick to discuss makes my heart sing! Thank you,

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by TervLass on 26-Jan-2014

:-) You're more than welcome, Gayle. Actually, it is I who delights in seeing the expansion of pov. A tale I am currently updating and posting was shelved (hate to admit...years ago), because I received tremendous heat for providing other characters, "a voice" during workshop sessions. I chose not to dilute the inner energy my characters played with and provided (for me to shape). Current freedom to portray elements through more than one character, and being retired now allows me to blow off the dust....

Love the authors you mention, and Peter Sellers's line was a hoot; his delivery stellar.

I'm a reader, and while my background is in the health field and not English Lit, I'll bring to your attention what I enjoy and/or if a segment/action causes me to "stub a toe".

Cheers,
Helen

Comment from Ted T

Exceptional

Hi Gayle :)

Outstanding chapter, well written with some nice undertone going on.

Interesting the way you've created a set of lies for both of them. It raises the tension just under the surface, which, of course, they are hiding. But for how long?

I didn't find any SPAG or nits, so, I guess you're on track with the direction of the novel.

Good work,

Ted

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014

Hey Ted, lookee there at that gorgeous sixer. Thank you so much. I have to get these guys moving! It's like they're stuck in the mud and we're there with them.

I know what they're doing! They gathering forces and once they let go, I'll be swept along with the flow.

Thank you my friend, appreciated your comments and your loyal support.

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by Ted T on 25-Jan-2014

I do have to say, you need to pick up the pace a bit. I didn't mention it because every writer has their own ideas on how they want the story to move.

My work is always on the edge as much as I can push it, but There's rest stops around the corner in each chapter.

You're more descriptive and that effects your speed.

Your characters are well defined and each has shadows in their past. It takes time to play that out and you can't rush it.

My novel, "The Legs Collector" reads fast and it's obvious on the page with short sentences and paragraphs. Chapter length has a lot to do with pacing; most of mine are shorter than yours.

BTW: the "Legs" proof-copy arrived today and looks great. I gave "CS" the green light to put it on the market. As soon as the "Look Inside Feature" appears, I'll start some serious promotion.

The sequel, "Return of Evil" is underway and I'll be posting the prologue sometime next week with chapter one right behind it.

Much work and lots of fun ahead.

You gotta love doing it, or what's the point, right?

BTW: I think the 'secretiveness' between your characters is an excellent device to keep the pot simmering [I do mean pot, not plot].

Ted

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

Your story had me from line one of the first chapter, even with you just building the foundation of your story. And as you promised, every chapter draws me in deeper. Thanks for another great chapter.

If you find time, I'd like your honest opinion on my first post of the new year, "Vanishing Act". I'm not on the same level as yourself, of course. I'm just a beginner. Thanks

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014

Hey Ric,

I was just over in your neck of the woods, and I read a chapter I really liked. I hope it was the one you suggested, but I love your writing style, my friend. Now I'm a fan!

And thanks for the great comments and encouragement in your reviews. More appreciated than you know,

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I love this story and you are doing a great job of it. I really like Brad. I hope he's a good guy.

Can you be ready to go by ten?" (I ready this as: Can you be by ten?)

 Comment Written 25-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014

Hey Barbara, so good to see you again and thanks for the great comments and review. Let me check that sentence. Sometimes the fingers get going faster than the mind, lol.

Yeah, I like Brad, too. He's gonna be okay - I hope!

Hugs,
Gayle