Vanishing Act
Restaurant bombing and disappearance.51 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, ric myworld, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who witnessed a bombing, but was taken out by the perpetrators at the hospital. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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this is very well written, ric myworld, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who witnessed a bombing, but was taken out by the perpetrators at the hospital. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from Paddywack
Good story, Ric. It managed to capture my attention through to the end. The hero with his lust and the interaction with the villain is well portrayed. The description of the cruddy restaurant is a little overdone - I think you could do without the third paragraph.
subtle features? - I'd say the opposite!
I salivate with the hunger of a predator. - a bit yucky.
He does well to describe the Arab-type, given he is so besotted with the girl.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Good story, Ric. It managed to capture my attention through to the end. The hero with his lust and the interaction with the villain is well portrayed. The description of the cruddy restaurant is a little overdone - I think you could do without the third paragraph.
subtle features? - I'd say the opposite!
I salivate with the hunger of a predator. - a bit yucky.
He does well to describe the Arab-type, given he is so besotted with the girl.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated! I think now that I've re-read it, I agree with you wholeheartedly. :-)
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I like all the details around this story, maybe more dialogues would be just great for us, the readers. It was complicated but you managed to squeeze it all in.
Well done!
:)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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I like all the details around this story, maybe more dialogues would be just great for us, the readers. It was complicated but you managed to squeeze it all in.
Well done!
:)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from emrpoems
A well developed story line
Lots of interaction and dialogue
A pity that no one became suspicious when the bags were left behind. Superb choice of picture
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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A well developed story line
Lots of interaction and dialogue
A pity that no one became suspicious when the bags were left behind. Superb choice of picture
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, ric. good to see another post by you. I think you have fantastic dialogue and spurts of great images in here:
Like"He pulls up a chair at the opposite end of the room and sits a cognac-colored briefcase on the floor between his case-matching woven canvas loafers. Facing the smoldering hottie in the red dress, he never seems to notice her; which I find strange, since no one else in the room can take their eyes off her. Something that I find even more peculiar is how similar they clutch the bags under the tables. Of course, the contents of the bags must be important, be it they hold documents, jewels, or maybe even dope or money"
And the dialogue is natural sounding all the way.
Suggestion: (I think I may have told you this once before, Ric: Never use more than one...(occasionally two) adjectives to describe something. Pick the most important one you want to convey and shit-can the rest: As in:
" embarrassed to stand next to her." (Eliminate this part....don't need...we get it.)
"but notice filthy, greenish-brown, sandal-clad toes of an old can the rest: "
And: " and then you can feel me (fill me in)
Good job overall, Ric. Keep up the good work. Bob
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Hi, ric. good to see another post by you. I think you have fantastic dialogue and spurts of great images in here:
Like"He pulls up a chair at the opposite end of the room and sits a cognac-colored briefcase on the floor between his case-matching woven canvas loafers. Facing the smoldering hottie in the red dress, he never seems to notice her; which I find strange, since no one else in the room can take their eyes off her. Something that I find even more peculiar is how similar they clutch the bags under the tables. Of course, the contents of the bags must be important, be it they hold documents, jewels, or maybe even dope or money"
And the dialogue is natural sounding all the way.
Suggestion: (I think I may have told you this once before, Ric: Never use more than one...(occasionally two) adjectives to describe something. Pick the most important one you want to convey and shit-can the rest: As in:
" embarrassed to stand next to her." (Eliminate this part....don't need...we get it.)
"but notice filthy, greenish-brown, sandal-clad toes of an old can the rest: "
And: " and then you can feel me (fill me in)
Good job overall, Ric. Keep up the good work. Bob
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are appreciated as always. I still struggle at times and tend to ramble with too much description, but I think you've got me going in the right direction. Thanks a million my friend, Ric.
Comment from hobopoet
This is pretty good. The one thing I would point out is the dialogue; make sure to always remember that those lines are real people talking, and more than just words, conversational dialogue has a beat, a rhythm. People pause for breath, pause to emphasize a word, all kinds of stuff.
Beyond that, I liked this. Good stuff. :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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This is pretty good. The one thing I would point out is the dialogue; make sure to always remember that those lines are real people talking, and more than just words, conversational dialogue has a beat, a rhythm. People pause for breath, pause to emphasize a word, all kinds of stuff.
Beyond that, I liked this. Good stuff. :)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story, Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Yes, dialog and being over descriptive have been a struggle at times. A few months ago I didn't know a noun from a verb, so I just try not to get too frustrated. I'll keep your advice in mind as use it to improve. :-)
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The great thing is that the more you do it, the more naturally it was all come to you. Trust your instincts. :)
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Thanks my new friend. I would have given up a long time ago if not for people like you. Ric
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
What a great story about a terrorist bombing. You have two of the three main characters interacting with each other. Even though there was some distance between the woman and Ted Lowry. After he leaves that eatery, he continues walking backwards to get a last glimpse of her. Then, this woman and the slick looking guy leave together and leave theirs bags behind. Boom, the place blows up. Lowry witnessed everything and is then killed by the bombers. Great storyline. So much interaction without touching and talking. Well thought out and very well written,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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What a great story about a terrorist bombing. You have two of the three main characters interacting with each other. Even though there was some distance between the woman and Ted Lowry. After he leaves that eatery, he continues walking backwards to get a last glimpse of her. Then, this woman and the slick looking guy leave together and leave theirs bags behind. Boom, the place blows up. Lowry witnessed everything and is then killed by the bombers. Great storyline. So much interaction without touching and talking. Well thought out and very well written,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Jim, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from Liandra
Wow! What a well written story. I was captured from beginning to end. I did suspect the two villains as they left the building. Then the amazing ending took me by surprise and shock...
Great work,
Liandra
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Wow! What a well written story. I was captured from beginning to end. I did suspect the two villains as they left the building. Then the amazing ending took me by surprise and shock...
Great work,
Liandra
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous six star review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
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You're welcome. You chose a great ending. Look forward to reading more of your writing.
Liandra
Comment from amahra
Very nice picture that is so appropriate for this writing. Liked the story-line and could have had a little more dialogue to move the story along. But the dialogue was realistic.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Very nice picture that is so appropriate for this writing. Liked the story-line and could have had a little more dialogue to move the story along. But the dialogue was realistic.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! Yes, I agree wholeheartedly about needing more dialog, unfortunately, I mess up about every I write for Fan Story trying to keep it short as possible. From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a well written piece in which I spotted no spag issues. The story kept my attention right through to the end. It was complicated but you managed to squeeze it all in.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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This is a well written piece in which I spotted no spag issues. The story kept my attention right through to the end. It was complicated but you managed to squeeze it all in.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
