Vanishing Act
Restaurant bombing and disappearance.51 total reviews
Comment from Shirley B
This is a great story. You had me at the very beginning with all that wonderful imagery. It just got better as the story progressed. The sad thing is, I feel like this could be a true story. Thank you for sharing your story, Shirley
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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This is a great story. You had me at the very beginning with all that wonderful imagery. It just got better as the story progressed. The sad thing is, I feel like this could be a true story. Thank you for sharing your story, Shirley
Comment Written 25-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Shirley B, my dear, so sadly it could be true. Every day such things happen throughout the world. And until people learn to accept others differences, such foolish and heartbreaking things will continue. Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from JB Lynn
"Streams of old grease, speckled with flies, [worm] down the wall behind the grill." - I love this image, but I think you're using "worm" as a metaphor for the illusion of movement the grease streaks create on the wall. Since the grease streaks are plural, "worm" would need to be singular. Brilliant work on a fresh metaphor - I haven't seen this one before.
"...or at least pretending not to notice." - Nice detail giving us a glimpse into her personality.
"...and whenever I look up at her, I salivate with the hunger of a predator." - Funny, I kind of don't feel like the narrator is the predator in this moment...I think the narrator might be the prey.
You lose me a bit with the "Police File Notes" at the end. I was with you through the whole piece, even picking up on the possibility that the "detective" might not be what he seems. I'd much rather you stay with the narrator, Mr. Lowry. You do such a good job of bringing us into his world through his perspective, that I feel cheated by not knowing what his last thoughts were once he realized he was being killed - or worse. Apart from that, however, there were very smooth transitions from the bombing to the "aftermath" and your writing is overall quite polished. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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"Streams of old grease, speckled with flies, [worm] down the wall behind the grill." - I love this image, but I think you're using "worm" as a metaphor for the illusion of movement the grease streaks create on the wall. Since the grease streaks are plural, "worm" would need to be singular. Brilliant work on a fresh metaphor - I haven't seen this one before.
"...or at least pretending not to notice." - Nice detail giving us a glimpse into her personality.
"...and whenever I look up at her, I salivate with the hunger of a predator." - Funny, I kind of don't feel like the narrator is the predator in this moment...I think the narrator might be the prey.
You lose me a bit with the "Police File Notes" at the end. I was with you through the whole piece, even picking up on the possibility that the "detective" might not be what he seems. I'd much rather you stay with the narrator, Mr. Lowry. You do such a good job of bringing us into his world through his perspective, that I feel cheated by not knowing what his last thoughts were once he realized he was being killed - or worse. Apart from that, however, there were very smooth transitions from the bombing to the "aftermath" and your writing is overall quite polished. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. The "s" wasn't supposed to be on worm. I originally wrote the story with Lowry narrating, however it was limiting at the end. So, wanted to leave people hanging, wondering if he was dead or alive, and leaving readers with a hint of hope, I changed to sharing the police files. Thanks again for your outstanding review and efforts to be helpful.
Comment from c_lucas
Never give your version until you are sure of your audience. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Never give your version until you are sure of your audience. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated.
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You're welcome, Ric. Charlie
Comment from hvysmker
Slim, yet shapely, her tight fitting dress shows her every curve, firm full breasts, and the fitness of her muscle-rounded buttock as she walks.
*** I'd drp[ every "her" and "she" after "her tight-fitting"?
The whole room captivated in a frozen stare.
*** seems captivated? Or is captivated?
The eyes of every man and woman locked onto her beauty and the images from beneath her clinging cardinal-red dress.
*** Is that "unsightly panty lines" or "Cameltoes"? He-he. Funny, but I consider either anything but unsightly.
Leaning over the table, she exposes a faint glimpse of her nearly black half-dollar sized areolas; then, a slight turn and spread of her legs reveals the reflected glare-lit path to her groomed kitty.
*** In my opinion, you've been using too many "her" and "the"s? For instance: "Leaning over the table, she exposes a faint glimpse of nearly black half-dollar sized areolas; then, a slight turn and spread of perfect legs reveals a reflected glare-lit path to a groomed kitty."?
Their gate progresses from slow and leisurely to a brisk walk,
*** "gait" First error I've seen.
"Good Morning, Sir. How are you feeling?"
"I've been better." The response was struggled but comprehendible.
*** comprehensible
"Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm detective Wilson, Jonathan Wilson, and I'd like to have a few words with you about your version of the accident."
"What are you saying, sir? Are you trying to tell me that the explosion was caused by something other than the concentration of gas from the leaking lines under the floor?"
*** LOGIC ERROR! Detective Charlie says that an arson investigator would easily notice the blasts came from two separated locations on TOP of the floor. Whatever the floor was composed of, shards of it would extend into the floor, rather than outward from below. Also, it would take a lot of luck or planning to have the sources of both blasts directly over leaking pipes. A gas explosion from below would seek most easily penetrated exit, randomly, from any place where it concentrated. For instance, doors and windows in the space below. A floor above would be relatively unaffected. Probably few at Fanstory will notice, though.
"Whoa, slow down just a minute . . . first, let's start with your name . . . and then you can feel me in on what you believe happened."
*** .....fill me in....
"My name is Trevor Lowry."
"Okay, Mr. Lowry . . . now, tell me your story."
"Well . . . there were two people . . . I'd say, middle easterners by heritage.
*** Middle-Easterners or middle-easterners. The way you say it, I'd be looking for right and left easterners?
A man and a woman came into the restaurant.
*** Need opening quotation marks. This paragraph is a continuation of the one above.
"Let me ask you sir . . ." With a funny look on his face, he hesitates and looks out into the hallway, then, continues, "Has anyone else been in to talk with you yet?"
*** Uh, oh! The Feds are involved. That sentencs reeks of "cover-up".
Police File Notes:
I wonder, though, if it were the two in the restaurant, wouldn't Lowry have noticed from his hospital bed? Maybe not, since his mind wouldn't be clear. But it the woman was so perfect, I should think I'd notice even if sorta dead below the waist.
Not many errors I could see, except for that one that stood out to me. Maybe to me alone. But you can assume a publisher would notice. They have experience in such matters.
Charlie
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Slim, yet shapely, her tight fitting dress shows her every curve, firm full breasts, and the fitness of her muscle-rounded buttock as she walks.
*** I'd drp[ every "her" and "she" after "her tight-fitting"?
The whole room captivated in a frozen stare.
*** seems captivated? Or is captivated?
The eyes of every man and woman locked onto her beauty and the images from beneath her clinging cardinal-red dress.
*** Is that "unsightly panty lines" or "Cameltoes"? He-he. Funny, but I consider either anything but unsightly.
Leaning over the table, she exposes a faint glimpse of her nearly black half-dollar sized areolas; then, a slight turn and spread of her legs reveals the reflected glare-lit path to her groomed kitty.
*** In my opinion, you've been using too many "her" and "the"s? For instance: "Leaning over the table, she exposes a faint glimpse of nearly black half-dollar sized areolas; then, a slight turn and spread of perfect legs reveals a reflected glare-lit path to a groomed kitty."?
Their gate progresses from slow and leisurely to a brisk walk,
*** "gait" First error I've seen.
"Good Morning, Sir. How are you feeling?"
"I've been better." The response was struggled but comprehendible.
*** comprehensible
"Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm detective Wilson, Jonathan Wilson, and I'd like to have a few words with you about your version of the accident."
"What are you saying, sir? Are you trying to tell me that the explosion was caused by something other than the concentration of gas from the leaking lines under the floor?"
*** LOGIC ERROR! Detective Charlie says that an arson investigator would easily notice the blasts came from two separated locations on TOP of the floor. Whatever the floor was composed of, shards of it would extend into the floor, rather than outward from below. Also, it would take a lot of luck or planning to have the sources of both blasts directly over leaking pipes. A gas explosion from below would seek most easily penetrated exit, randomly, from any place where it concentrated. For instance, doors and windows in the space below. A floor above would be relatively unaffected. Probably few at Fanstory will notice, though.
"Whoa, slow down just a minute . . . first, let's start with your name . . . and then you can feel me in on what you believe happened."
*** .....fill me in....
"My name is Trevor Lowry."
"Okay, Mr. Lowry . . . now, tell me your story."
"Well . . . there were two people . . . I'd say, middle easterners by heritage.
*** Middle-Easterners or middle-easterners. The way you say it, I'd be looking for right and left easterners?
A man and a woman came into the restaurant.
*** Need opening quotation marks. This paragraph is a continuation of the one above.
"Let me ask you sir . . ." With a funny look on his face, he hesitates and looks out into the hallway, then, continues, "Has anyone else been in to talk with you yet?"
*** Uh, oh! The Feds are involved. That sentencs reeks of "cover-up".
Police File Notes:
I wonder, though, if it were the two in the restaurant, wouldn't Lowry have noticed from his hospital bed? Maybe not, since his mind wouldn't be clear. But it the woman was so perfect, I should think I'd notice even if sorta dead below the waist.
Not many errors I could see, except for that one that stood out to me. Maybe to me alone. But you can assume a publisher would notice. They have experience in such matters.
Charlie
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Thanks, Charlie, my friend, for reading my story and spending your time to help me fix my mistakes. I know I have a long ways to go, but your explanations and tutoring have made a huge different. Just a couple months back I had spag in every sentence. A couple explanations: Lowry couldn't see the nurse's face or butt for the fella's broad shoulders, only her hand injecting. As for the explosion, these people are pros, so I'd assume they had someone loosen the gas coupling and the bombs and gas lines exploded simultaneously, making it difficult to tell for sure what happened. Hell, I don't know. You damn cops. LOL Thanks, friend.
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I gave the explosion some thought this morning. It could be easy. Lowry knows it's a cover-up. When he talks to the detective, he can bring up some of my explanation. The detective can smile and tell him, that's been taken into consideration. Or, you can have the woman come in and sit down with her suitcase, whatever. Then the man comes in with his and goes through a door in the back of the room, maybe to the basement? He comes back without his case and walks out, the woman following without her case. That would be one case in the dining room and the other somewhere else, maybe the basement. Either explanation would be easy to insert.
Charlie
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Sounds great. I'll add that part about him going into the back hallway where the restrooms and stairs to the basement are located, and comes back without his brief case. :-)
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Go 'head. I've found that very often errors that seem insurmountable can be fixed in a sentence or two. At least in short stories. In novels, it might mean reaching up near the top to make major changes.
That's like starting a novel or long story with a flashback. I've tried it and most of the time changed that aspect with the first rewrite.
Charlie
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Ric Myworld:
The scariest thing about your story is how true it seems
to ring to my eyes and ears. As the winter Olympics get
closer, I have grave fears something like this is going
to happen.
A couple of small spags for you below.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Their gate progresses >>> Their gait progresses
found in the patients pick line, >>>
found in the patient's pick line,
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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Ric Myworld:
The scariest thing about your story is how true it seems
to ring to my eyes and ears. As the winter Olympics get
closer, I have grave fears something like this is going
to happen.
A couple of small spags for you below.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Their gate progresses >>> Their gait progresses
found in the patients pick line, >>>
found in the patient's pick line,
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
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I'm like you Jan. Foolish violence of this type happen every day throughout the world, and so many gathered for the winter Olympics is a perfect target for these cruel murderers. Lets pray we are wrong. Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I just found my foolish mistakes a few minutes ago, but not soon enough to keep you from finding them. :-)
Comment from JennaG
Awesome story!!! It definitely kept my interest from beginning to end. No lie, my hands were literally sweating as I read it. It had such a neat mix of mundane, everyday life and heart-pounding intrigue. I especially liked your vivid description of the restaurant. You set the scene extremely well. (In the line "...and then you can feel me in on what you believe happened", did you mean "fill" instead of "feel"? Just thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't caught it already.) I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing! :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Awesome story!!! It definitely kept my interest from beginning to end. No lie, my hands were literally sweating as I read it. It had such a neat mix of mundane, everyday life and heart-pounding intrigue. I especially liked your vivid description of the restaurant. You set the scene extremely well. (In the line "...and then you can feel me in on what you believe happened", did you mean "fill" instead of "feel"? Just thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't caught it already.) I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing! :)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and extremely generous six star review are greatly appreciated! Yes, I meant fill me in, of course. I catch those blunders in other people's work, but for some silly reason, I don't in my own. :-)
Comment from James Chaima Phiri
A well written story. It makes the reader wish that Trevor had survived. What a tragic end! The The terrorists in the story are professionals. They are likely to attack a number of places before they are finally caught or simply kill themselves. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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A well written story. It makes the reader wish that Trevor had survived. What a tragic end! The The terrorists in the story are professionals. They are likely to attack a number of places before they are finally caught or simply kill themselves. Excellent work.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
Comment from chasennov
'Vanishing.' This is an incredible story which conjures up so much detail before an actual blast is triggered by a mobile phone.This type of thing is happening more often than not, and your story can be a Mystery and Crime Fiction tale, but it could as well be non-fiction somewhere else. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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'Vanishing.' This is an incredible story which conjures up so much detail before an actual blast is triggered by a mobile phone.This type of thing is happening more often than not, and your story can be a Mystery and Crime Fiction tale, but it could as well be non-fiction somewhere else. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! Unfortunately, similar crimes are being committed around the world every day. I just wish we could all accept the fact that not all of us think alike and accept one another and their differences. :-)
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Fabulous! The plot, the descriptions, the narrative 'voice', the pacing - it was all great and your characters were amazingly authentic.
I have only one small nit, and that's the use of the word "gone" in your last sentence. After all we've been through in this intense and riveting piece, "gone" is too mild, in my opinion.
The explosion was shocking and incredibly well-penned. Give us that final shock - he's dead.
Brilliant. If I had a six, I could rate this as it deserves.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Fabulous! The plot, the descriptions, the narrative 'voice', the pacing - it was all great and your characters were amazingly authentic.
I have only one small nit, and that's the use of the word "gone" in your last sentence. After all we've been through in this intense and riveting piece, "gone" is too mild, in my opinion.
The explosion was shocking and incredibly well-penned. Give us that final shock - he's dead.
Brilliant. If I had a six, I could rate this as it deserves.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! I didn't like using gone either, but nothing I came up with fit more. I couldn't use dead because no one is sure that he is. LOL. I don't know, but if you think of something, let me know, Please. From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
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Hmmm, I see your dilemma - neither officer saw the phonies entering or leaving either...is it possible the cops left their post briefly, or something distracted them? He could then be 'presumed' dead...but even so, if you don't want to re-write that bit, perhaps the word 'missing' instead of gone?
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That's what was driving me nuts for hours. LOL And if I make it so that the officers left their post then I take away from the vanishing part. Lets you and I think about it over night and see if one of don't come up with something better than gone or missing. Thanks, I really appreciate your time. That word has driven me nuts.
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Gee, great, now it's driving ME nuts too. (LOL)
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LOL, I'm sorry!
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Change the title. Have the cops derelict. Do it. Save my sanity. (LOL)
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I made some changes and corrected a couple mistakes this morning; however, that one darn word I changed a dozen times before putting it back. If I lose my mind please don't tell anyone the reason. They'll know I was a little crazy to begin with. LOL
Comment from CowboyToo
Riveting. I followed each segment intensely. The story is greatly enhanced by the substantial use of simile and imagery. The author really knows how to dress up a scene.
More, please.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Riveting. I followed each segment intensely. The story is greatly enhanced by the substantial use of simile and imagery. The author really knows how to dress up a scene.
More, please.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! From using first person for a character that disappears, it was a real struggle to figure a way to end it. :-)
