Vanishing Act
Restaurant bombing and disappearance.51 total reviews
Comment from wammac
atmosphere and clientele is
more grungy
Transfixed on her computer screen<,> she
Either slowly and deliberately, which I would avoid, or In a slow and deliberate way,
nipples for areolas; pussy or pubic patch, for kitty.
Something wrong with Arab man with green eyes and hooped earrings?
how similarly they clutch, which I don't like
I would prefer a transition sentence which shows him in a hospital.
trying to get everyone's attention needs to be moved so it refers to your protagonist and not the fleeing antagonists.
Again, rather than the break, I'd prefer a transition sentence for your first rate recap comments.where there seems to be another interesting story unfolding.
Best of luck with this. It has exciting possibilities. wammac.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
   |
atmosphere and clientele is
more grungy
Transfixed on her computer screen<,> she
Either slowly and deliberately, which I would avoid, or In a slow and deliberate way,
nipples for areolas; pussy or pubic patch, for kitty.
Something wrong with Arab man with green eyes and hooped earrings?
how similarly they clutch, which I don't like
I would prefer a transition sentence which shows him in a hospital.
trying to get everyone's attention needs to be moved so it refers to your protagonist and not the fleeing antagonists.
Again, rather than the break, I'd prefer a transition sentence for your first rate recap comments.where there seems to be another interesting story unfolding.
Best of luck with this. It has exciting possibilities. wammac.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your review and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
-
Thanks for your gracious reply. I do not do reviews, but you have been a stalwart reader, and I feel I owed you. Please keep writing. You've got a fertile mind; the rest is just form.
-
You sure don't owe me anything. I sincerely appreciated your taking time to read my work that, I know isn't very good. I'm a beginner, one that never bothered to learn grammar. All I cared about was making money, which I did. But it would have been so much easier if others hadn't done my English and grammar so I could play ball. I just kept good secretaries who made me look good. I learn from your chapters every day. A month ago I had multiple spag in every sentence. Thanks a million, Ric.
Comment from barleygirl
This is a well-written & well-told story that keeps the reader's attention from beginning to end. There's a little doubt forming in my mind, as I read, becuz the lady that everyone in the restaurant is watching puts on a show just for this one person, the narrator? Also, that he goes looking for the forgotten suitcase doesn't seem believable, especially if he's cognizant of the danger in such a place, as displayed by his final act of trying to alert people. Why didn't he "get it" until he saw the things left behind under the table & not when he realized a missing suitcase had been stashed? Good attempt to weave a tangled web, but I'm not buying all of it. Your writing is excellent, however, & that's why I feel you still deserve 5 stars.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
This is a well-written & well-told story that keeps the reader's attention from beginning to end. There's a little doubt forming in my mind, as I read, becuz the lady that everyone in the restaurant is watching puts on a show just for this one person, the narrator? Also, that he goes looking for the forgotten suitcase doesn't seem believable, especially if he's cognizant of the danger in such a place, as displayed by his final act of trying to alert people. Why didn't he "get it" until he saw the things left behind under the table & not when he realized a missing suitcase had been stashed? Good attempt to weave a tangled web, but I'm not buying all of it. Your writing is excellent, however, & that's why I feel you still deserve 5 stars.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review are greatly appreciated. I agree with you, that I may have given too many clues, and plan to make some changes. Thanks. :-)
Comment from barkingdog
In the last line when you say Trevor Lowry was gone, did you mean he was dead or had he been physically removed from the hospital? I assumed they killed him, but to say he is gone means that he is still alive somewhere, maybe kidnapped by the terrorists?
Great story, but that one word threw me. GONE=?
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
In the last line when you say Trevor Lowry was gone, did you mean he was dead or had he been physically removed from the hospital? I assumed they killed him, but to say he is gone means that he is still alive somewhere, maybe kidnapped by the terrorists?
Great story, but that one word threw me. GONE=?
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. That last sentence has driven me nuts. I've had him gone, dead, missing, and other things as I tried to find a word that works best. Then, I went back to gone. I want it to say gone; not dead for sure, possibly dead and not just missing. If he's dead I can't continue the story, which many have suggested. But, I will always take suggestions on a better word choice from one of my favorite writers, Ellen, my dear? :-)
Comment from visionary1234
Great descriptions, of course, of the lady in red Ric - and the setting was also very realistic. Numerous spags, which I see others have already pointed out to you (wheather/whether, shear/sheer etc). Some confusion - you tell us at the end at the perpetrators are of middle-Eastern descent, yet at the beginning you tell us the lady in red is Asian/Caucasian? When it got to the bombing scene, though, I felt you gave us way too many tell-tale clues so we could guess the action before it happened - i.e too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. You comment on the action, thus taking away its impact because you've told us what's going to happen before it happens eg:
No sooner have I turned, I notice that he too has forgotten his attach© and other bag. How odd, he leaves both bags, yet remembers his phone; and stranger still, he carries it in his hand.
His actions reek of something wrong and sensing imminent danger, I yell at the top of my lungs, "RUN, RUN . . . GET OUT, NOW," as I beat on the glass and sprinted in desperation to get across the road to safety.
And when it came time for poor Trevor to get blown up your use of the present tense became a little implausible - i.e. you suddenly seemed to change your point of view to an observer OF Trevor, rather than Trevor himself telling the story. Also felt the 'police report' at the end was a bit of a clumsy device. A 'police file' would not have been written in such descriptive prose.
Just some thoughts to consider - hope it helps!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
Great descriptions, of course, of the lady in red Ric - and the setting was also very realistic. Numerous spags, which I see others have already pointed out to you (wheather/whether, shear/sheer etc). Some confusion - you tell us at the end at the perpetrators are of middle-Eastern descent, yet at the beginning you tell us the lady in red is Asian/Caucasian? When it got to the bombing scene, though, I felt you gave us way too many tell-tale clues so we could guess the action before it happened - i.e too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. You comment on the action, thus taking away its impact because you've told us what's going to happen before it happens eg:
No sooner have I turned, I notice that he too has forgotten his attach© and other bag. How odd, he leaves both bags, yet remembers his phone; and stranger still, he carries it in his hand.
His actions reek of something wrong and sensing imminent danger, I yell at the top of my lungs, "RUN, RUN . . . GET OUT, NOW," as I beat on the glass and sprinted in desperation to get across the road to safety.
And when it came time for poor Trevor to get blown up your use of the present tense became a little implausible - i.e. you suddenly seemed to change your point of view to an observer OF Trevor, rather than Trevor himself telling the story. Also felt the 'police report' at the end was a bit of a clumsy device. A 'police file' would not have been written in such descriptive prose.
Just some thoughts to consider - hope it helps!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. You are the most observant and helpful of anyone who ever reads my work and I just want you to know how thankful I am that you do. The first part was originally meant to be him telling his account of what happened. Looks like I forgot some changes. Thanks a million :-) Ric
Comment from dennis0530
A nice and riveting read this one. Splashes of mystery and intrigue in between. Educational also with info about the two drugs in the Police Notes. A nice start for a longer story or a novel. The author should create a hero or heroes to start tracking down the terrorists.
Some minor corrections if the author doesn't mind: "wheather" should be spelled "whether." The smaller of only two bags cannot be the "smallest." I am not sure about "nonchalant." I think "nonchalance" is better.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
A nice and riveting read this one. Splashes of mystery and intrigue in between. Educational also with info about the two drugs in the Police Notes. A nice start for a longer story or a novel. The author should create a hero or heroes to start tracking down the terrorists.
Some minor corrections if the author doesn't mind: "wheather" should be spelled "whether." The smaller of only two bags cannot be the "smallest." I am not sure about "nonchalant." I think "nonchalance" is better.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. The whether mistake was a quick change from be it. I'll correct the other two boo boo's right now. :-)
Comment from mfowler
Wheather......whether - spag
Your story is very inventive. Your descriptive prose is excellent and convincing. The surveillance of the bar by Lowry is terrific, especially of the sexy woman who mesmerises all. The bomb is excitingly described, and about as detailed and realistic as I would want. Lowry's demise is well described. My only misgiving is the probability of the detailed story of the bar scene being related in this way to the "cop" in the way its been written in the initial phases.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
Wheather......whether - spag
Your story is very inventive. Your descriptive prose is excellent and convincing. The surveillance of the bar by Lowry is terrific, especially of the sexy woman who mesmerises all. The bomb is excitingly described, and about as detailed and realistic as I would want. Lowry's demise is well described. My only misgiving is the probability of the detailed story of the bar scene being related in this way to the "cop" in the way its been written in the initial phases.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. The whether mistake was a quick change from be it. The cop is actually one of the terrorists pretending to be a cop. :-)
Comment from Gloria ....
This is a very spooky story Ric and I LOVE it. The ending came up quickly and it was difficult to determine if Trevor was suffering hallucinations from mental illness or if he really did bear witness to a bombing. But I see it's espionage in the working.
You story telling is superb and held my interest throughout, from the sexy woman to the vanishing body of Mr. Lowry.
Excellent description of a greasy spoon caf© in the opening paragraph. That set the mood well for me.
Oh this gorgeous, sexy, woman sounds like a perfect distraction from all one's pains -- imagined or real. :)
wheather (whether) they hold documents, jewels
being the triggering cause, as although the actual report - this sentence needs some adjustment to become clearer.
Exceptional writing my friend. Keep going and I'll keep reading.
Gloria
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
 |
This is a very spooky story Ric and I LOVE it. The ending came up quickly and it was difficult to determine if Trevor was suffering hallucinations from mental illness or if he really did bear witness to a bombing. But I see it's espionage in the working.
You story telling is superb and held my interest throughout, from the sexy woman to the vanishing body of Mr. Lowry.
Excellent description of a greasy spoon caf© in the opening paragraph. That set the mood well for me.
Oh this gorgeous, sexy, woman sounds like a perfect distraction from all one's pains -- imagined or real. :)
wheather (whether) they hold documents, jewels
being the triggering cause, as although the actual report - this sentence needs some adjustment to become clearer.
Exceptional writing my friend. Keep going and I'll keep reading.
Gloria
Comment Written 26-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. The whether blunder was a quick change from using be it, that I obviously didn't bother to re-read. :-)
Comment from ravenblack
Excellent set-up to the bomb blast, lulling the reader into gazing like a hungry dog at the lady in red ( great writing, by the way. every red-blooded male has these hypnotic encounters more than a few times in their life). The blast, the contrast of scenes, and the ending- very good writing.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
|
Excellent set-up to the bomb blast, lulling the reader into gazing like a hungry dog at the lady in red ( great writing, by the way. every red-blooded male has these hypnotic encounters more than a few times in their life). The blast, the contrast of scenes, and the ending- very good writing.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad that someone finally realized, and commented, that all the early paragraphs, especially about the red-dressed girl, are written just as smoke and mirrors to keep attention from the real action. Thanks a million, Ric :-)
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This is an excellent write, Ric. I enjoyed it from the first to the last word. The description of Trevor ogling the lady in red and her response was excellent. I do hope this becomes a full fledged story. It is rife with possibility. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
|
This is an excellent write, Ric. I enjoyed it from the first to the last word. The description of Trevor ogling the lady in red and her response was excellent. I do hope this becomes a full fledged story. It is rife with possibility. Excellent job.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
-
Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I am really surprised at how many people have asked that I make it into a real story or a script. And in time, I just might. But for now, I'm just trying to learn how to write and get better. I can't thank you and the others who have said such nice things, which has given me the encouragement to keep working on my skills. :-)
-
You are most welcome, Ric. I am a new writer too, and have found FS to be very helpful in terms of reviewer critiques, but more so in the opportunity to write. It has helped me to challenge myself and try things I thought only "Real Writers" do. :) Keep writing - you have the talent...Stephanie
-
Thanks, Stephanie, for the encouraging words. I would have never thought for a minute that you weren't a professional writer. I enjoy your work. Keep it up, Ric
-
Thanks, Ric. I don't know how professional my work is, but I have been writing for a couple of years. Its a form of escapism for me. There were times I would rather live in a pretend wold than my own, which is funny given the abysmal nature of this work:). Take care and thanks again.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Well ric
Excellent descriptions of the lady in red.
Your story definitely was filled with suspense and a shocking happening
Good Hospital scene
Is this going to be a continuing story?
Gert
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
|
Well ric
Excellent descriptions of the lady in red.
Your story definitely was filled with suspense and a shocking happening
Good Hospital scene
Is this going to be a continuing story?
Gert
Comment Written 25-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I wasn't planning for this to be a continuing story; however, a lot of people have suggested that I make it into one, so I just might. :-)
-
You are welcome Ric.
Gert
