Comment from kidsrcute

Excellent

I love the way you get into your characters minds. It is just like a true stream of thought. You came up with the perfect job for Brad. Great chapter. Thanks for sharing. :)kidsrcute

 Comment Written 07-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014

I'm glad you're enjoying this one. If you go to 'bookcase it' you can get access to the whole thing without having to go in and out.

Thank you so much!

Gayle

Comment from TheWriteTeach

Excellent

This is getting better and better. You are weaving a wonderful story. The romance is getting off the ground, but there is plenty of room for disaster to strike, and I do foresee bad things coming! You are also building tension with Edward wondering about Brad's background. If Brad tells Julia his newly made-up history and Edward checks it out - zowie! Good stuff here.

Two things I noticed:

Need to set off the appositive in the first sentence with commas. His sigh[,] as she came into the room[,] was audible.

Need a comma in the second sentence, between the two independent clauses. We were having such a good time[,]and I just forgot the hour.

Suz

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2014

Hey Suz, see, once I can get everyone introduced we can take off. I'm like that with most of the intros to the books, windy, lol. I agree, Brad and Edward are going to have to come to terms, but my muse is rioting so there's no end of ideas.

Thanks so much, will get the commas.

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Rdfrdmom2

Excellent

Gayle:

And so, double life meets double life - it's almost
the way of the world these days, or so it seems. I
am having a bit of fun imagining where all this will
be going and how much fun the pups will be having!

thanks for sharing
love,
jan

 Comment Written 22-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014

Hey Jan,

Always so good to see you and thanks for the great comments. Yes, I thing the doggies are going to have fun with this one.

Have a great day my friend,

Hugs,
Gayle3

Comment from PoeticXscape

Excellent

This was a wonderfully written chapter. It had great detail from the characters and their conversations. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014

Hi and thanks so much for the kind comments and lovely stars,

Gayle

Comment from Writingfundimension

Exceptional

Your use of dialogue, alone, merits a six, Gayle. You always make it seem effortless. As always, I enjoy your easy style and narrative voice. Lots going on here leading me to suggest a character list in the AN's and perhaps a overview of the story at the beginning.

Well done, my friend.

Hugs, Bev

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014

Hey Bev, thanks so much for that lovely sixer and the comments. And yes, I'm about to do that. I just got back from a little getaway with my daughter, so now it's time to buckle down and get back to work.

Thanks so much for the outstanding rating and all your support! So appreciated,

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by Writingfundimension on 22-Jan-2014

You're very welcome, Gayle. Always a pleasure to support a gifted writer such as yourself.

xx Bev

Comment from emrpoems

Excellent

Could not get all of it as I did not read the preceding chapters. however, here was enough in this chapter to hold my interest and so I had an enjoyable read.

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Hi, and my hat's off to you! Coming into a book like this one on chapter 11. Lots of characters and a lot that you've missed.

Hope to see you again and thanks for the comments and review.

Gayle

Comment from bookishfabler

Excellent

FBI Profiler, Hmm, If I were a girl, I would question that one. Thinking lots of secrets, but that's just me because I write this stuff too. LOL.
Very much, and you would, too. (do you need the comma before too?)

Great chapter, can't wait for the next one.
hugs Heidi

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

LOL, yes you do, my little friend. Well, he figures he needs to come up with something, and with being ex-CIA, he knows enough about the inner workings to fool Julia. Whenever she gets too close, he can claim secrecy, but I have a feeling these two are going to move to the truth very soon now.

I'll nail that comma down, too.

So you didn't have any problem following this one? I thought I'd made it clear that Julia was alone when she was arguing with herself. I didn't make much use of italics since it was, at least I hoped, obvious she was the one doing the talking. Did that work for you?

Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle

Comment from Sylvia Page

Excellent

Another good chapter ending with each of them trying to figure out a plausible story to explain each of their past history/background. Wonder if they will end up confiding in each other their true pasts. Might be a little tame for the moment to disclose the truth. Good writing. Keep it up.

Gayle, I was wondering if it would be better to just give a brief outline about each of the characters in your Author's notes. Senile decay seems to be hitting me since of late and I find I have to go back a few chapters to find out who each one is in relation to the story. As the story progresses and chapters increase it will help to have a ready reckoner of who is who. You can copy paste into the author's notes of each chapter. Just a suggestion. It does not matter if it is too much trouble.

See you later,
Cheers
Sylvia

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

What an excellent idea, Sylvia. Yes, we're getting a full boat here, so that's a great idea. Will do.

WHOA! I hit the wrong button and off you went. Anyway, I'll get that done for the next chapter. That's what's so hard about reading on a monitor. I prefer to flip back through the pages if I forget something.

Okay, will do that, and thanks for the great comments and review,

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from lindalcreel

Exceptional

It's so funny seeing how both of them are trying to come up with lies to hide their past lives. This was almost humorous, if the situation hadn't been so serious. Brad might be a good person to have around after-all, because when Ari does come after her, Brad won't be running away scared. He's killed too many people in the past. This should get really interesting quickly. Thanks so much for sharing.

 Comment Written 19-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Hey Linda, well you obviously liked this one, thanks for the sixer and the comments.

I was trying something a little different with this one. I don't like expository dialogue, and I hate how italics looks in big chunks. Then I heard this seminar on how to handle internal dialogue and make it less intrusive, and the consensus was that as long as the person in the scene is alone and obviously talking to themselves, it works without the italics.

Now, I wasn't sure I'd handled the bit with Julia arguing with herself. You didn't have trouble there. Just curious how you found the presentation.

Thanks again for the sixer, my friend and the comments. Yep, I figure Brad will be a good guy in her corner when Ari comes calling.

Hug,
Gayle

reply by lindalcreel on 20-Jan-2014

I think I don't have trouble because a lot of my characters talk to themselves. I hate the italics too because it confuses some of the younger readers. Instead, I just try to have them mumbling under their breath or something which still shows their thoughts. This works for me, but maybe not so much for others. But I'm not planning on changing the writing. I thought your chapter was well-done and easily followed.

Comment from Ted T

Good

Hi Gayle :)

This chapter starts out great guns and then gets lost in narrative confusion.

* * * *

[Oh no, you can't do that.]

From the line above all the way to,

[and Sonji was a man of his word.]

All of it is a mix of internal dialogue and narrative.

Everything after is shifted narrative POV and 'telling'.

It's fine to use quotes when a character has a brief dialogue with herself. 'Brief' being the operative word.

You've written it as apparent speech without quotes.

Whatever you wanted to be internal dialogue should be in italics, it isn't. It gets mixed with what seems to be narrative and random thought.

Some of what appears to be internal becomes a POV shift in first and third person narration.

The entire sequence is confusing and hard to follow.

You need to take a close look at the construction and do some editing.

Could be a little too rushed.

Ted

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 Comment Written 19-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Hi Ted,

Sorry this one didn't get it for you. I thought I'd made it clear that each section was internal dialogue, first Julia with herself, and than a complete scene switch to Brad. Hmmm, the switches from first to third all seemed clear to me. Hmmm. Let me go back there and see what happened.

I attended a seminar lately that discussed internal thoughts or dialogue, and how reading big chunks of italics was a turnoff for the reader and that as long as the scene had a solitary character in it, the reader would know it was all thoughts and deal better than a page and a half of italics.

Let me check it out, Ted, and thanks for the comments.

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by Ted T on 20-Jan-2014

Understood, I've known for a long time that large blocks of italics should be avoided, that isn't new. The key is to keep solitary character scenes brief otherwise, you have a character thinking in well constructed sentences. Most folks don't think like that.

It's a fine line at best. There's a distance between a character and the narrator unless you're writing in first person.

There's always another way to approach a scene and every writer will handle it differently.

Maybe I'm all wet here, it's just opinion anyway. I don't see it as a SPAG issue.