Phoenix Down
The Cycle of the Phoenix37 total reviews
Comment from ScarletAfflictions
Oh my profound love for your pen has NOT died!!! Oh my gosh Marillion. Thank you...thank you for writing this! I needed this one badly. Wonderful!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Oh my profound love for your pen has NOT died!!! Oh my gosh Marillion. Thank you...thank you for writing this! I needed this one badly. Wonderful!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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There you are, sweet Scarlet. I'm so glad to see you back, and I'm especially glad that you still find pleasure in my work. Welcome home!
Comment from Winslow
Dear Marillion,
If I had another six it certainly would be yours. A marvelous write about the Phoenix who no matter what goes down arises from the ashes to meet any new challenge.
One small nit:
I think another word should be used here.
That (rain)me down at each defeat.
I am envious of your ability to write in iambic pentameter.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Dear Marillion,
If I had another six it certainly would be yours. A marvelous write about the Phoenix who no matter what goes down arises from the ashes to meet any new challenge.
One small nit:
I think another word should be used here.
That (rain)me down at each defeat.
I am envious of your ability to write in iambic pentameter.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Winslow. The word you reference was a late addition, and I'm lukewarm about it, so I'll certainly consider a revision there. I appreciate your thoughts.
David
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Thinking about "pull" and "bring" there.
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I like bring for what that is worth.
Winslow
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Thank you, Winslow! I'm going to let it simmer, and see how I feel in an hour or so. :)
Comment from Walter L. Jones
The fire from the end to being, stars program a difficult thing, if I give five it may lower your over all rating, still I enjoy your work and like to read, oh well, post me, I can read and email, as always form and structure on q but the reality of the words add certain smile, best day out there.. Walt
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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The fire from the end to being, stars program a difficult thing, if I give five it may lower your over all rating, still I enjoy your work and like to read, oh well, post me, I can read and email, as always form and structure on q but the reality of the words add certain smile, best day out there.. Walt
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Walt, I just appreciate the read, review and comments, my friend. Don't sweat the small stuff. Your kind words shine brighter to me than stars, anyway. Thank you.
Comment from allborn66
This is a very powerful piece. The rhyming scheme is tremendous. You communicate your theme well. The word choice is quite vivid.
Barbara
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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This is a very powerful piece. The rhyming scheme is tremendous. You communicate your theme well. The word choice is quite vivid.
Barbara
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Barbara. Have a great weekend!
Comment from Ekim777
A very ambitious work encapsulated in a sophisticated verse form. What more could we want. The rhythm, rhyme and cadence is very fine. The visual imagery about an eternal symbol is fascinating and yet the simplest line comes to mind. "Through countless lives, my soul survives..." We are dealing with life, death and eternity, no less. I recall the biblical words; "Verily, verily, I say unto thee;/
Lest an ear of corn, falleth into the ground and die/
It abideth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." Whatever we may believe, we are presented here with a marvelous poem. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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A very ambitious work encapsulated in a sophisticated verse form. What more could we want. The rhythm, rhyme and cadence is very fine. The visual imagery about an eternal symbol is fascinating and yet the simplest line comes to mind. "Through countless lives, my soul survives..." We are dealing with life, death and eternity, no less. I recall the biblical words; "Verily, verily, I say unto thee;/
Lest an ear of corn, falleth into the ground and die/
It abideth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." Whatever we may believe, we are presented here with a marvelous poem. -Ekim777
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Ekim77, I really appreciate the great review, the Bible verse, and the six star gift, and I definitely think this would qualify as a faith-based poem. God bless you.
David
Comment from hobopoet
You know, we put these poems online here so that we can get feedback and advice on how to make them better...and you're making it awfully hard to give feedback and advice when you smash the ball out of the park with every swing. We never get the chance to field the silly thing because it's always sailing way overhead, out of reach. :P
Seriously, a good write. I was fascinated with the idea of the phoenix when I was younger, to the point that I had it engraved on one side of my class ring in high school. You gave a wonderful interpretation of that idea. Bravo.
The only wobble I see (and it's a small one) is in S5 L3, the cause/claws rhyme. But I'm sure you saw it when you wrote it and approved it, and it really doesn't affect the reading of the poem that much.
Good stuff, my friend. :)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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You know, we put these poems online here so that we can get feedback and advice on how to make them better...and you're making it awfully hard to give feedback and advice when you smash the ball out of the park with every swing. We never get the chance to field the silly thing because it's always sailing way overhead, out of reach. :P
Seriously, a good write. I was fascinated with the idea of the phoenix when I was younger, to the point that I had it engraved on one side of my class ring in high school. You gave a wonderful interpretation of that idea. Bravo.
The only wobble I see (and it's a small one) is in S5 L3, the cause/claws rhyme. But I'm sure you saw it when you wrote it and approved it, and it really doesn't affect the reading of the poem that much.
Good stuff, my friend. :)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thanks, bro! That means a lot to me. There's something about the image and ideal of the indefatigable Phoenix that really resonates with me, too.
Actually, cause/claws is a true rhyme, so I'm not sure what you mean. Perhaps there's a regional accent issue, but I'm sure if you looked in a rhyming dictionary, you'd find it listed as a true rhyme choice...or at least I hope you would.
As always, my brother, thank you.
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It must be a regional thing because it's only a little off when I read it. It's like pause/flaws. Those words sound totally different to me, and I'd never rhyme with them because of it.
Also, for as long as I've known you and read your stuff, you've never (that I can remember anyway) settled for half-rhymes. I don't know why I thought you'd start now. :P
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Actually, when I do, it's part of the fabric of the piece, where I'll do something like true rhymes in L1/L3, and half in L2/L4...but I have to admit, the perfectionist in me has trouble allowing it.
Actually, I checked. "Pause" is a true rhyme with "claws" and, yes, "flaws". We need to convert your ass over to the King's English, my brother. ;)
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Maybe that's it. I do live in Appalachia, after all...must be the hillbilly coming out in me. :P
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My girlfriend read this and she agrees with you.
I keep telling her to pick a team, and she keeps picking against me. :P
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As long as she picks you when it matters, my friend. :)
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That's what she says lol
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Very well written - first and third of each line - the internal rhyme works well, makes sense and does not sound contrived - the poem is abcb - and a good read. You write about getting better with each defeat - I've not read any of your defeats - and see the Phoenix Rising. I like iambic tetrameter (8 beats to the bar) - it bounces along helped by the internal rhyming. A good read and great picture. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Very well written - first and third of each line - the internal rhyme works well, makes sense and does not sound contrived - the poem is abcb - and a good read. You write about getting better with each defeat - I've not read any of your defeats - and see the Phoenix Rising. I like iambic tetrameter (8 beats to the bar) - it bounces along helped by the internal rhyming. A good read and great picture. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much, Dorothy! Yes, iambic tetrameter just has a flow that fits these kinds of poems best, I think, and the internal rhyme gives motion to the poetic ocean. As always, I appreciate it!
David
Comment from nancy_e_davis
It took me a minute to understand your notes.
Again you have excelled in a very rhythmic poem. The rhyme is excellent and moves the poem along with iambic tetrameter....
My living cause, with razor claws,
Will shred the wings of circling crows....Love the imagery Well done David. *****+ and more. Nancy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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It took me a minute to understand your notes.
Again you have excelled in a very rhythmic poem. The rhyme is excellent and moves the poem along with iambic tetrameter....
My living cause, with razor claws,
Will shred the wings of circling crows....Love the imagery Well done David. *****+ and more. Nancy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Nancy. I hope the notes weren't confusing, and they're probably unnecessary, but I know people love finding new forms/schemes for their own work. As always, I really appreciate it!
David
I was confused at first but I figured it out!
Comment from Sylvia Page
The Phoenix rises from the ashes!
With hope refilled, I'll soon rebuild
The pieces on the sacred ground,
To forge anew, in multi-hue,
The ashes of a Phoenix downed.
Well done! Great movement and internal rhyme scheme.
Keep writing.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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The Phoenix rises from the ashes!
With hope refilled, I'll soon rebuild
The pieces on the sacred ground,
To forge anew, in multi-hue,
The ashes of a Phoenix downed.
Well done! Great movement and internal rhyme scheme.
Keep writing.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much, Sylvia, for the nice review.
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
I think I use all my sixes on you. I love those internal rhymes, makes the poem just flow and is so beautifully worded. Someday I might learn how to write like you ;) Eternally grateful for all you've taught me. Outstanding poem.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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I think I use all my sixes on you. I love those internal rhymes, makes the poem just flow and is so beautifully worded. Someday I might learn how to write like you ;) Eternally grateful for all you've taught me. Outstanding poem.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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JL, that's so sweet, my friend, and don't sell yourself short. I see that your last poem definitely got some warranted attention, and I'm so happy to see you back. Onward and upward, my dear DoT! ;) Thank you for the sixer!
