Beyond the Sunrise
a dedication to Cj (notes)42 total reviews
Comment from Megalips
This is by far the most intense piece that I have ever read of yours.
The forest: I like how you separate your ideas into pieces, the lengths, sizes and shapes varying wildly as do our thoughts, the events of our lives that lead us to finality. I also think that you were driven to write this from your friend's perspective for more reasons than simply to temper peripheral judgments. A part of you died with him...and a part of him lives in you still...you ARE a butterfly.
The Trees: The first stanza is such a beautiful dedication. I like the rhyme there.
It's a eulogy itself, of course, and mandates repeating at the end. That's perfect. The significance of the butterfly is rebirth, the reason for dying (physical death/escape)- the reason for wanting to die...the goal and the pinnacle of existence is peace. We are driven to find it. As such, it's worth noting your incredible emphasis on childhood...not just memory...but actually reaching back in those last moments to look into your own eyes and to have yourself look back (I looked down into the eyes of a smaller me)- what are you looking for?--to be at peace...peace with yourself.
You too have contemplated this. You have stood on the porch and fastened the rope in your mind. You have searched for rebirth and wondered, painfully close to the edge. It's your connection to each other...one of many...even in death.
Stanza 9..."I grip now these wooden rails..." To know what occurred as you described it, this is absolutely a climactic point of the poem where you merge yourself as author to subject and carry me in (as reader) to the final steps in their physicality...the thoughts of process....the looking down...the looking out...the looking beyond tomorrow. You speak of a journey we cannot follow and a tomorrow you (as speaker) cannot see.
I have to mention this line: "Alien to comfort. Stranger to contentment." That line is absolutely so powerful and so all encompassing...the essence of mental anguish which you yourself know so well, and by virtue ushered to reveal lest we not understand...and we are out here....listening.
Amazing piece, Greg. It was, of course, for you as much as your friend, catharsis.
I like your new picture with your dogs! (and that smile)
Good nite, Greg
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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This is by far the most intense piece that I have ever read of yours.
The forest: I like how you separate your ideas into pieces, the lengths, sizes and shapes varying wildly as do our thoughts, the events of our lives that lead us to finality. I also think that you were driven to write this from your friend's perspective for more reasons than simply to temper peripheral judgments. A part of you died with him...and a part of him lives in you still...you ARE a butterfly.
The Trees: The first stanza is such a beautiful dedication. I like the rhyme there.
It's a eulogy itself, of course, and mandates repeating at the end. That's perfect. The significance of the butterfly is rebirth, the reason for dying (physical death/escape)- the reason for wanting to die...the goal and the pinnacle of existence is peace. We are driven to find it. As such, it's worth noting your incredible emphasis on childhood...not just memory...but actually reaching back in those last moments to look into your own eyes and to have yourself look back (I looked down into the eyes of a smaller me)- what are you looking for?--to be at peace...peace with yourself.
You too have contemplated this. You have stood on the porch and fastened the rope in your mind. You have searched for rebirth and wondered, painfully close to the edge. It's your connection to each other...one of many...even in death.
Stanza 9..."I grip now these wooden rails..." To know what occurred as you described it, this is absolutely a climactic point of the poem where you merge yourself as author to subject and carry me in (as reader) to the final steps in their physicality...the thoughts of process....the looking down...the looking out...the looking beyond tomorrow. You speak of a journey we cannot follow and a tomorrow you (as speaker) cannot see.
I have to mention this line: "Alien to comfort. Stranger to contentment." That line is absolutely so powerful and so all encompassing...the essence of mental anguish which you yourself know so well, and by virtue ushered to reveal lest we not understand...and we are out here....listening.
Amazing piece, Greg. It was, of course, for you as much as your friend, catharsis.
I like your new picture with your dogs! (and that smile)
Good nite, Greg
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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I'm seriously honored. I'll give you my response tomorrow. You are the only reason I log on now btw...
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Greg...you must have been up late. I didn't do justice to this poem...to do that, I'd have to go line by line...each of which deserves a paragraph. You're a celebrity on this site, Greg...don't become disillusioned.
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Seriously. I can't thank you enough for reading this. I know I've given you a lot of homework but this was really important to me for obvious reasons.
But yeah as I said, it took three years to even think about writing anything. I prayed before I wrote, to have the right words, do it justice. Within an hour I had written this.
I'm not saying that I have these incredible words, etc. I'm just saying that it came to me quickly, good or not.
And between us, it was weird. The double meanings, there were certain things I'd come back to and I didn't remember writing it. Like I hadn't.
Butterflies are the harbingers, the deliverers of the day. They are the first to rise, flittering about. And that's why they were the first to know he wasn't there in the morning.
But he rose behind our sunrise.
It still gets to me. I miss him.
But yeah, I know it's a long poem. It had to be in a sense. I almost didn't want to post it here but in the end I felt good about it. It's for him.
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Haha a celebrity on this site. Definitely not. Ha But I literally wondered recently if my name is familiar at all here.
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So I'm the only reason you log on. You tug at my heart, Boy. You know that. Made me cry this weekend with that long dissertation you wrote. I probably shouldn't tell you that. You are the one that needs to keep writing. Take your breaks, but keep pushing. I think you will be famous one day, even though I know that's really not what you're after. This poem here is really amazing. It's important that you explain things as you do here in the discussion section at the bottom, because you have so many subtleties in your work, double meanings (as you mentioned) that people miss a lot of the genius you put out there on display. I really wish you would go into more detail and tell people what you were trying to say or the significance of certain lines...but then, I know myself that I don't like to get that detailed. I want people to own the piece for themselves, for what it might mean to them based on past experience. But this one was so particularly special to you, it might be good to put some of those things down.
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I appreciate that more than you know. I already posted it long ago so there's no need for notes. Maybe in the book?
So, my novel The Polaroid Bubble. My wife was talking to me about it. I was building a framing device around the essays. A fictional one where I go see my estranged mother in the hospital, forgive her, etc. while splicing in the essays.
BUT. I think I'm going to just write. One problem with the essays is I just "start". I don't explain my mom well enough.
But if I just write from the POV as a ten year old and just talk about daily life I won't Need anymore essays and I won't need to make anything up. And it'll explain my mom. Little things not big enough to make an essay out of.
Like if my mom stubbed her toe, anywhere, anytime, she would reach out and hit me as hard as possible. Just a weird tic. Crazy. Or to this day how when I grab a glass from the cupboard I blow into it to get the roach eggs out (trailer park habit). We would wake up with weird rashes where they had been gnawing on us.
Less. If I just write I think it'll work. And it'll be completely true!
But hey, why did it make you cry. Really.
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The thing is. I was just guessing, assuming things. I was probably way off. I didn't mean to make you sad. I just don't come across talent like yours everyday. I mean you jump on, raw, and win contests left and right immediately. NO ONE does that.
I mean of course you should go into medicine and be extremely successful. You can still write too. My primary care doctor reads me his poetry every visit. I have to admit it's a little awkward because he typically reads it while I'm getting into my gown.
But hey, he wants to write still. I'm kidding.
My point was not to assume or make you sad. It was to try to convince you to stay, to become the writer you Are supposed to be. No risk in staying. But if you Do, you have an opportunity to gain something incredible and a gift that will last your lifetime. I promise.
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I think you should just write the novel just like you said...the frame thing...not sure how that will work. Just set your book up in chronological order by chapters.
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You know contests don't mean anything here, Greg...Like the b&w erotic poem thing. Your poem was Elegant Erotica and mine was like a Bubble Gum Blowjob. It's just an emotional response. It's not really how good it actually is.
Comment from MissMerri
This is so emotional. It is impossible to read without shedding some tears. I love the writing, the music within the free-flowing verses, the descriptive phrases that are always original, never clich©d and that create such a strong emotional reaction in the reader. Suicide is so painful for the ones left behind. But understanding his pain seems to be a step toward healing. Writing about him is an even bigger step, and at the same time, a gift to others who loved him.
I thought these lines were the absolute perfect ending to a truly beautiful and touching poem:
"Father, follow their flight,
rising high ~ find my smile beneath the wind...
as I begin to begin my first everything again;
upon their wings I live eternal."
Nicely done, GC.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2014
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This is so emotional. It is impossible to read without shedding some tears. I love the writing, the music within the free-flowing verses, the descriptive phrases that are always original, never clich©d and that create such a strong emotional reaction in the reader. Suicide is so painful for the ones left behind. But understanding his pain seems to be a step toward healing. Writing about him is an even bigger step, and at the same time, a gift to others who loved him.
I thought these lines were the absolute perfect ending to a truly beautiful and touching poem:
"Father, follow their flight,
rising high ~ find my smile beneath the wind...
as I begin to begin my first everything again;
upon their wings I live eternal."
Nicely done, GC.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2014
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Wow that is incredibly generous. Thank you so very much! Yes this one was tough to write but I think it helped the healing a bit. I was hesitant to post it here as it was personal but I thought it was good to keep up his memory. It felt nice to share it. I'm truly grateful that you read this. I'm sorry the certificate is off now though. That means even more that you read it. Thank you so much. Really.
Comment from Treischel
That is so touching in it's expression of pain and rebirth inti a new and friendlier reality that it moved me greatly. I could feel his hand upon your shoulder as you wrote these words that only an intimate friend would feel.
This is excellent heartfelt expression of the moment that changed everything. I felt. Indeed, I felt it seep through your pen.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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That is so touching in it's expression of pain and rebirth inti a new and friendlier reality that it moved me greatly. I could feel his hand upon your shoulder as you wrote these words that only an intimate friend would feel.
This is excellent heartfelt expression of the moment that changed everything. I felt. Indeed, I felt it seep through your pen.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Wow truly thank you. That really got me. Thank you. I really felt him with me when I wrote it. I know sounds odd but I really did. I love that you said that. Thank you my friend that means more than you know. I really appreciate it, greatly. Thank you.
Comment from PoeticXscape
Upon their wings he lives eternal..................wow you are a true poet at heart and soul. Thank you for sharing this personal and fantastic poem about your friend.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Upon their wings he lives eternal..................wow you are a true poet at heart and soul. Thank you for sharing this personal and fantastic poem about your friend.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much. I'm so glad you read it! Thank you truly.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow...I am so glad I have one six left. This is truly a masterpiece, Greg. I've often wondered how a person felt just before he/she did it... having made the decision. I think you captured it perfectly... not to mention artistically in a tasteful way. Lovvve these lines:
for tonight fear holds place within my heart no longer.
My mind will find sleep upon pillows softer than it can reach.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Wow...I am so glad I have one six left. This is truly a masterpiece, Greg. I've often wondered how a person felt just before he/she did it... having made the decision. I think you captured it perfectly... not to mention artistically in a tasteful way. Lovvve these lines:
for tonight fear holds place within my heart no longer.
My mind will find sleep upon pillows softer than it can reach.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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I am touched. I am so grateful for such a wonderful review. This poem is really special to me. I hesitated posting it. I think I'm glad I did though, it keeps me thinking of him. Thank you for picking out those lines. Again, I am truly touched. Thank you so much for reading this Phyllis, it means a lot to me.
Comment from rama devi
Dear Greg, this is poignant and beautiful. Condolences for this tragic loss. Pleased to see you've posted this here and that I finally made it through my PMs to find it! It sounds great read aloud, by the way, which I think I may not have mentioned when we spoke of this piece off-site.
The tone and pacing suit the tenor of your theme and the emotional overtones made my hairs stand on end. I sense your friend's spirit singing through your pen as you capture his painful POV.
Also enjoyed the imagery--especially personification, like here:
Trees stand hand in hand as they sway to silent air.
Tilted moon sits still...stares down upon my face;
white arrows of electricity explode down a funnel,
eyes piercing the void of the black sky.
This suggests how all of life is intricately linked and your friend's anguish is felt by the stars, moon and trees as keenly as if it were their own. Beautiful.
This is quite eloquent and inspired:
Soft streams run down my cheeks ~
cursive rivers drawing their names into the sand,
leaving behind dried reflections of the last 'I love you'.
Nice shift into the CHILD POV here:
I gaze into the eyes I gazed from as a child...
a stumble into the grass below as I twirl within my innocence,
the sensation of his first smile upon my back...
peeking over my shoulder to catch his pride.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I hear her initial laughter behind windows above,
the first time she sings my name home.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I looked down into the eyes of a smaller me ~
his eyes to mine...into his admiration...watching his hero realized.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I see the first glow of her hair,
the original reach of her small hand to mine;
I see my home, my family, my everything
and everywhere etched into my soul.
I grip now these wooden rails where my father had stood,
ready to be embraced in his arms once more.
I steady my racing doubts, calm my rapid breath,
for tonight fear holds place within my heart no longer.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
My mind will find sleep upon pillows softer than it can reach.
Lovely-
My heart doesn't have the words...nor does any it seek
for it will speak "forever" within the pulse of every beat
...of everyone I knew.
Glowing haze of a tomorrow not meant to be seen
will soon drift up from under the farthest hilltop.
I must reminisce again...from beyond this new tomorrow,
must say goodbye before this beginning skips over my end.
The agony of lost direction: hopelessness drifts over my brow daily
as a cloud does the storm ~ pellets splash atop my forehead.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
Friendships spread, fleeing faster than ripples to a lakeside.
Alien to comfort, stranger to contentment,
...imagine sleeping with your eyes wide open.
POWERFUL:
So many pointed fingers, so many unneeded tears will fall "I know "
if only my promise could nest under their hearts
as an ignited pyre shining light unto this bravest of campaigns,
or a summer pond reflecting this cancer...my fight
...its hunger
...my pain.
The ache of my absence would warm a bit within forgiveness.
They'd be aware "from above" of the loving arms awaiting their son.
Lovely:
These words seem to sing a lullaby everlasting
yet they are meant for but a moment away.
I say my eyes will indeed open with yours,
only I will awake to a sunrise behind today's.
NICE REFRAIN:
The butterflies cry my name tonight,
harbingers of my final farewell...
yet forever they will lift the dawn
so that others may carry me on...
Pitch-perfect closing:
Father, follow their flight,
rising high ~ find my smile beneath the wind...
as I begin to begin my first everything again;
upon their wings I live eternal.
This is long but it works well as it draws the reader in deeply. I do think some of the denser stanzas need line breaks for breaths and I've made suggestions where I 'felt them' while reading aloud. It would be easier on the eye, too.
Lots of Love and a rare six for you!
Hugs,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Dear Greg, this is poignant and beautiful. Condolences for this tragic loss. Pleased to see you've posted this here and that I finally made it through my PMs to find it! It sounds great read aloud, by the way, which I think I may not have mentioned when we spoke of this piece off-site.
The tone and pacing suit the tenor of your theme and the emotional overtones made my hairs stand on end. I sense your friend's spirit singing through your pen as you capture his painful POV.
Also enjoyed the imagery--especially personification, like here:
Trees stand hand in hand as they sway to silent air.
Tilted moon sits still...stares down upon my face;
white arrows of electricity explode down a funnel,
eyes piercing the void of the black sky.
This suggests how all of life is intricately linked and your friend's anguish is felt by the stars, moon and trees as keenly as if it were their own. Beautiful.
This is quite eloquent and inspired:
Soft streams run down my cheeks ~
cursive rivers drawing their names into the sand,
leaving behind dried reflections of the last 'I love you'.
Nice shift into the CHILD POV here:
I gaze into the eyes I gazed from as a child...
a stumble into the grass below as I twirl within my innocence,
the sensation of his first smile upon my back...
peeking over my shoulder to catch his pride.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I hear her initial laughter behind windows above,
the first time she sings my name home.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I looked down into the eyes of a smaller me ~
his eyes to mine...into his admiration...watching his hero realized.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
I see the first glow of her hair,
the original reach of her small hand to mine;
I see my home, my family, my everything
and everywhere etched into my soul.
I grip now these wooden rails where my father had stood,
ready to be embraced in his arms once more.
I steady my racing doubts, calm my rapid breath,
for tonight fear holds place within my heart no longer.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
My mind will find sleep upon pillows softer than it can reach.
Lovely-
My heart doesn't have the words...nor does any it seek
for it will speak "forever" within the pulse of every beat
...of everyone I knew.
Glowing haze of a tomorrow not meant to be seen
will soon drift up from under the farthest hilltop.
I must reminisce again...from beyond this new tomorrow,
must say goodbye before this beginning skips over my end.
The agony of lost direction: hopelessness drifts over my brow daily
as a cloud does the storm ~ pellets splash atop my forehead.
(SUGGEST LINE BREAK HERE FOR PAUSE EFFECT)
Friendships spread, fleeing faster than ripples to a lakeside.
Alien to comfort, stranger to contentment,
...imagine sleeping with your eyes wide open.
POWERFUL:
So many pointed fingers, so many unneeded tears will fall "I know "
if only my promise could nest under their hearts
as an ignited pyre shining light unto this bravest of campaigns,
or a summer pond reflecting this cancer...my fight
...its hunger
...my pain.
The ache of my absence would warm a bit within forgiveness.
They'd be aware "from above" of the loving arms awaiting their son.
Lovely:
These words seem to sing a lullaby everlasting
yet they are meant for but a moment away.
I say my eyes will indeed open with yours,
only I will awake to a sunrise behind today's.
NICE REFRAIN:
The butterflies cry my name tonight,
harbingers of my final farewell...
yet forever they will lift the dawn
so that others may carry me on...
Pitch-perfect closing:
Father, follow their flight,
rising high ~ find my smile beneath the wind...
as I begin to begin my first everything again;
upon their wings I live eternal.
This is long but it works well as it draws the reader in deeply. I do think some of the denser stanzas need line breaks for breaths and I've made suggestions where I 'felt them' while reading aloud. It would be easier on the eye, too.
Lots of Love and a rare six for you!
Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Wow thank you Rama. I have to applaud you! :) thank you so much. I felt weird posting it but at least its for a contest so it doesn't just disappear here. I think my main goal is to make people think about him even though they didn't know him. You picked out exactly what I was doing when I was writing it. I honestly feel he was with me while I did. It was from his perspective looking out on his back porch, where it happened. There are rolling hilltops in the distance. This poem is really special to me. I think its good ultimately that I posted it. Thank you so very much.
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I love the author notes because it adds another depth to your poem. Your friend is looking down upon you smiling. He would be so proud of you. Great job
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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I love the author notes because it adds another depth to your poem. Your friend is looking down upon you smiling. He would be so proud of you. Great job
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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I thought I needed to add them thank you. I'm grateful that you read this. Thank you.
Comment from amahra
I'm so sorry about your friend. The poem is a very beautiful Ode to him. I love the art work and below is my favorite stanza.
I see the first glow of her hair,
the original reach of her small hand to mine;
I see my home, my family, my everything
and everywhere etched into my soul.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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I'm so sorry about your friend. The poem is a very beautiful Ode to him. I love the art work and below is my favorite stanza.
I see the first glow of her hair,
the original reach of her small hand to mine;
I see my home, my family, my everything
and everywhere etched into my soul.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Thank you so very much
Comment from Alan K Pease
Sad story of a friend who ends his life out of a grief for the gift of life not realized. It is very well written in free verse and loaded with metaphor that brings forth its life. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Sad story of a friend who ends his life out of a grief for the gift of life not realized. It is very well written in free verse and loaded with metaphor that brings forth its life. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much Alan, I'm grateful that you read this, thank you
Comment from TAB_that's me
This is so very powerful and well written. It has great imagery in it. Suicide is a hard thing to understand. My friend's son committed suicide last summer at age 17. Such a tragedy.
~Teresa~
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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This is so very powerful and well written. It has great imagery in it. Suicide is a hard thing to understand. My friend's son committed suicide last summer at age 17. Such a tragedy.
~Teresa~
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Wow thank you so much for the review. I'm touched that you read it. Its special to me. Thank you truly.
