Face Off
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Friends, maybe neighbors"A Whole New Identity
17 total reviews
Comment from TheWriteTeach
I don't know how I got so far behind with reviewing these chapters. I try to keep up, but there isn't enough hours in the day to get everything done.
This is well done, as always. It flows well and is very easy to follow. The dialogue is realistic and works well between the characters. At the start, I noticed this was quite long, however, I was interested and zipped through it without giving any thought to the length.
Several things caught my eye that I wanted to run by you. In the section where the nurses changed Brad's bandages, you wrote, ". . . allowing the fresh air to perform its . . . ." The word fresh tripped me up. If it is supposed to be 'fresh' then shouldn't Brad be outside or have windows open letting fresh air inside? The next thing that made me stop and look twice was, ". . . like his dimples were leaking." The word like makes the sentence sound teenagerish (is that even a word?). Would it sound better if you replaced 'like' with 'as if' - as if his dimples were leaking. The next is just a misplaced comma. You wrote, "Me, too and I can't wait." The comma just needs to be moved over one word, after 'too.' In that same section, a couple of sentences over, you used the word 'actually' twice in very close proximity, ten or so words apart. And the last thing - your very last line reads as a question, but you used a period.
Overall, another good chapter! Off to read the next one. I'm going to keep at this until I get caught up!
Suz
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2014
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I don't know how I got so far behind with reviewing these chapters. I try to keep up, but there isn't enough hours in the day to get everything done.
This is well done, as always. It flows well and is very easy to follow. The dialogue is realistic and works well between the characters. At the start, I noticed this was quite long, however, I was interested and zipped through it without giving any thought to the length.
Several things caught my eye that I wanted to run by you. In the section where the nurses changed Brad's bandages, you wrote, ". . . allowing the fresh air to perform its . . . ." The word fresh tripped me up. If it is supposed to be 'fresh' then shouldn't Brad be outside or have windows open letting fresh air inside? The next thing that made me stop and look twice was, ". . . like his dimples were leaking." The word like makes the sentence sound teenagerish (is that even a word?). Would it sound better if you replaced 'like' with 'as if' - as if his dimples were leaking. The next is just a misplaced comma. You wrote, "Me, too and I can't wait." The comma just needs to be moved over one word, after 'too.' In that same section, a couple of sentences over, you used the word 'actually' twice in very close proximity, ten or so words apart. And the last thing - your very last line reads as a question, but you used a period.
Overall, another good chapter! Off to read the next one. I'm going to keep at this until I get caught up!
Suz
Comment Written 09-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2014
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Ha, Suz, see, I'm going to have to dedicate this book to you.
Okay, fresh air. I think of that as the drying effect of having a wound open to the air rather than covered by a bandage. Does that make sense?
And you have found my 'pet sins' most of them, 'actually'. Absolutely, the overuse of like is very teen oriented. Not to mention Californian, like, y'know? lol. Will change, as well as get the comma repositioned.
Question, while I know dialogue gets a pass on stuff like that, do you find - when used judiciously and sparingly - that the word like, as well as others seems to make the voice more real? I'm curious on your take.
Thanks so much for the great edit. I'm going to give you a thumb if I haven't already. Really appreciate the help.
Hugs,
Gayle
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I absolutely get what you mean about air healing the open wound. But the point I was trying to make, and didn't do very well, was that there wasn't 'fresh' air floating around inside the clinic. To me it made more sense if it read to let the 'air' get to it, because I didn't see how 'fresh air' could get to his wounds unless he was outside or standing by an open window.
Regarding your question about dialogue, depending on the character of course, I say yes, words such as 'like' absolutely make it real. It is still incorrect grammar, but unfortunately, people do speak that way. However,in descriptive narrative, incorrect English drives me nuts. I am not a fan of first person POV where the narrator is poorly educated and murders the language. Many times when I correct students' grammar they are quick to refrence a popular book where so-and-so talked that way and no one thought it was wrong. Arrgh . . .
Comment from Liz Dunbee
I had to go back a bit. I missed a few chapters. This chapter was great. So Brad and Hali both have new faces now. I liked the meeting between the two. It was light hearted and warm. Great, well written chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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I had to go back a bit. I missed a few chapters. This chapter was great. So Brad and Hali both have new faces now. I liked the meeting between the two. It was light hearted and warm. Great, well written chapter.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Hi Liz, yes, we've had a change - Hali is now Julia. I was afraid that it would seem careless to use her real name when I'd gone to so much trouble to stress secrecy.
So glad you liked this one,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Been busy again and I missed a few chapters I need to catch up on. This is very interesting. Where did you learn about all the procedures?
EE
She promised herself a long and leisurely stroll on one of the coolest shopping streets in the world. Soon. Very soon. In the meantime, she would settle for a walk around the gardens.
Donning a wide brimmed sunbonnet and large dark glasses, she turned to Edward. "Would you like to join me?"
I can't find anything to comment on or pick at to help you out.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Been busy again and I missed a few chapters I need to catch up on. This is very interesting. Where did you learn about all the procedures?
EE
She promised herself a long and leisurely stroll on one of the coolest shopping streets in the world. Soon. Very soon. In the meantime, she would settle for a walk around the gardens.
Donning a wide brimmed sunbonnet and large dark glasses, she turned to Edward. "Would you like to join me?"
I can't find anything to comment on or pick at to help you out.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Oh Heidi, so you really liked this one, huh? I did, too. However, I had a glitch - watch for the next chapter!
So good to see you, m'dear, and big hugs for the sixer! Wheee!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Ric Myworld
New faces, a new beginning, and first thing, they strike up a conversation and end up living close to each other. RUN, don't play so close to home, it only complicates. Just a joke. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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New faces, a new beginning, and first thing, they strike up a conversation and end up living close to each other. RUN, don't play so close to home, it only complicates. Just a joke. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Hey Ric, thanks for the great comments. Life is nothing if not strange, huh? I still can't wait to find out who the guy was that originally had the appointment at the Clinic. We may never know, lol.
Thanks so much,
Gayle
Comment from lindalcreel
Somehow, I suspected the two of them would meet, but will Brad be bringing her into his old life, or will it be the other way around. I doubt that Ari is just going to disappear. Unless he makes an appointment at the same clinic. This is really taking shape now. The plot is wonderful and we are getting to know two of your characters. Thanks so much for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Somehow, I suspected the two of them would meet, but will Brad be bringing her into his old life, or will it be the other way around. I doubt that Ari is just going to disappear. Unless he makes an appointment at the same clinic. This is really taking shape now. The plot is wonderful and we are getting to know two of your characters. Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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I'm waiting for the next word from Ari. I doubt he's going to let her get away with this. Hang in there!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
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I have no doubt. People like him don't just walk away. He isn't finished with her yet.
Comment from Sylvia Page
crow's
outside[-,] and dark glasses.
Your mention of light blue eyes I think is a little out of place as they are both in sunglasses... whose sees them?
Good chapter building up to a romance maybe... but I thought there was Edward as well.
Let's see what happens next.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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crow's
outside[-,] and dark glasses.
Your mention of light blue eyes I think is a little out of place as they are both in sunglasses... whose sees them?
Good chapter building up to a romance maybe... but I thought there was Edward as well.
Let's see what happens next.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Your're right, the only one that knows they're blue is me! And I don't count. Great comments, and such wonderful support. Thank you, Sylvia,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sallyo
Hi, Showt- I mean, Showboat;
happy to find you still here. I have naughtily jumped in rather late in the book, but my word, how your writing has come on since I last read some! I didn't find any spam or problems and any puzzling stuff is due to my late arrival.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hi, Showt- I mean, Showboat;
happy to find you still here. I have naughtily jumped in rather late in the book, but my word, how your writing has come on since I last read some! I didn't find any spam or problems and any puzzling stuff is due to my late arrival.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Sally! OMG! It's so good to see you! Oh, Happy New Year, m'dear, hope all is well and the doggies have developed a modicum of respect! Always so good to see long-time friends. PM to follow.
Well, yes, things have improved. I'm sure I finally made Dickie Floyd proud. Good grief remember me and my POV problems, lol. Ah, yes, FS is a testimony to improvement, for sure.
Oh, thank you so much. See you in a minute,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Ted T
Hi Gayle :)
Outstanding chapter with lots of background detail on their respective surgeries; nice touch.
I believe you brought them together quite well. Both characters have secret pasts adding a shadow of suspense with a foreshadow of what may come.
They did 'click' rather quickly, but it's acceptable. A tiny stretch to wind up just a few blocks from each other in Brentwood.
Possible NIT:
He offered a smile, light blue eyes crinkled at the corners.
I thought they both had to wear sunglasses?
No SPAG that I could see. I have problems with commas on occasion, so I may have missed any errors if there were any.
Nice work.
Ted
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Hi Gayle :)
Outstanding chapter with lots of background detail on their respective surgeries; nice touch.
I believe you brought them together quite well. Both characters have secret pasts adding a shadow of suspense with a foreshadow of what may come.
They did 'click' rather quickly, but it's acceptable. A tiny stretch to wind up just a few blocks from each other in Brentwood.
Possible NIT:
He offered a smile, light blue eyes crinkled at the corners.
I thought they both had to wear sunglasses?
No SPAG that I could see. I have problems with commas on occasion, so I may have missed any errors if there were any.
Nice work.
Ted
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Oh my, a sixer for this one! Thank you so much, Ted.
Yes, the blue eyes got me, too. Okay, so they're always blue, but who could see that? I'll fix.
Thanks for the fabulous stars and the great comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Okay, no problem, you're going along well :)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh, I wonder if we all dare to begin to enjoy ourselves, before further action starts and danger invades. Out two main characters have both had a complete change, it's rather exciting. Giddy
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Oh, I wonder if we all dare to begin to enjoy ourselves, before further action starts and danger invades. Out two main characters have both had a complete change, it's rather exciting. Giddy
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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This is fun, isn't it. I'm having fun, glad you are too. Of course, the other boot is about to drop. Always is!
Hugs and thanks,
GHayle
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting chapter. I liked the brewing romance. Though I'm not sure if they should be driving down to the condo during the day.
Barbara
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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This is a very interesting chapter. I liked the brewing romance. Though I'm not sure if they should be driving down to the condo during the day.
Barbara
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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They're going to be free any day now, so they figure what the heck. I'm glad you like them together, I do too.
Really appreciate the support and fine review,
Gayle
