Face Off
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "New Plans"A Whole New Identity
16 total reviews
Comment from TheWriteTeach
I am so behind in your chapters! I've been under the weather with a rotten case of the flu, and I couldn't even think of reading.
I enjoyed this chapter. You are still setting the stage for us. We learned Zach wasn't a hired killer/bad guy. He works for the government, and he has contacts in the Bureau. He'd like to get out of the business and live a normal life. An opportunity landed in his lap, and he snatched it up without too much thought. Talk about identity theft! We just met Zach, and he is already gone; morphed into Brad. This reminds me of a line from The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy spoke of good witch Glinda,"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
Good chapter - on to the next one. I've got to catch up!
Suz
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2014
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I am so behind in your chapters! I've been under the weather with a rotten case of the flu, and I couldn't even think of reading.
I enjoyed this chapter. You are still setting the stage for us. We learned Zach wasn't a hired killer/bad guy. He works for the government, and he has contacts in the Bureau. He'd like to get out of the business and live a normal life. An opportunity landed in his lap, and he snatched it up without too much thought. Talk about identity theft! We just met Zach, and he is already gone; morphed into Brad. This reminds me of a line from The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy spoke of good witch Glinda,"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
Good chapter - on to the next one. I've got to catch up!
Suz
Comment Written 14-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2014
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Oh, m'dear, I hope you're feeling better. Try chicken soup - can't hurt, lol. I've been trying to get to the STORY, lol. All this setup, and yet, at least for me, there's no other way to do it. One more chapter to go and that's it.
Good one from Oz. Yes, they'll do that. Thanks so much, and you get to feeling better!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from lludlow
Still good, but a little confusing. I still like Zack (even though he's a killer). I would keep everything you have here, but maybe slow it down a little. Flesh the scenes out a bit more.
A few things: What's the red light flashing behind his eyes? On the computer, he changed screens again (when was the first time?) and input the address (what address)?
You need a transition between Zack looking at his computer and arriving at the clinic.
I don't know why Mr. Howard waited a moment before leaving? Maybe delete that line.
Again, still enjoying this!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Still good, but a little confusing. I still like Zack (even though he's a killer). I would keep everything you have here, but maybe slow it down a little. Flesh the scenes out a bit more.
A few things: What's the red light flashing behind his eyes? On the computer, he changed screens again (when was the first time?) and input the address (what address)?
You need a transition between Zack looking at his computer and arriving at the clinic.
I don't know why Mr. Howard waited a moment before leaving? Maybe delete that line.
Again, still enjoying this!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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The red light flashing behind his eyes is like the 'lightbulb' in a cartoon.
The address was of the guy he was supposed to take out. He was looking for other info, an idea of who else might have been after his target.
I'm moving fast, I know, I'm like a snowball rolling down hill, but I'll do a thorough edit when I get it back the second time!
Thanks so much!
Gayle
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my!! I am on pins and needles waiting for the next installment. I doubt I have to wait too long since I am way behind on reviewing.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Oh my!! I am on pins and needles waiting for the next installment. I doubt I have to wait too long since I am way behind on reviewing.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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You just have one more after this one, Barbara. Then, this afternoon, I'll put out another, maybe two.
Okay, we're off! Thanks so much for the great comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Line two, paragraph 30. You may not want to change from American spelling, but I stumbled on the word liter (litre).
This is shaping up to be a great story, and I can't wait for the romance that I'm sure is coming. Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Line two, paragraph 30. You may not want to change from American spelling, but I stumbled on the word liter (litre).
This is shaping up to be a great story, and I can't wait for the romance that I'm sure is coming. Giddy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Hi Gayle,
I just got the next chapter done! It's 'settling' before I slice, lol. This afternoon!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
a life much more enyoyable /enjoyable
Zack morphs into Brad Armstrong. A little bit confused here is there a Brad Armstrong that the clinic expected to have stocked the fridge according to that guy's taste. This chapter sets the stage very well.
I see you have posted the next chapter as well. See you there.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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a life much more enyoyable /enjoyable
Zack morphs into Brad Armstrong. A little bit confused here is there a Brad Armstrong that the clinic expected to have stocked the fridge according to that guy's taste. This chapter sets the stage very well.
I see you have posted the next chapter as well. See you there.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Okay, the Clinic has had info from 'him' by way of questionnaire, remember, the costs are already paid. They think they now have the original guy who's ordered some good booze! It's just good luck that they both have the same tastes.
Thanks so much for the great eye and review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Liz Dunbee
Great chapter. I felt that perhaps Zack suddenly arriving at the clinic was a little confusing. I understand he is a hired killer and now wants to become a regular citizen. But I am not sure who is after him. Is he at the clinic because he wants Zack to disappear and Brad to take his place. I liked the insight into Zack's nature. He is tired of the life he has lived and now wants to settle down, and live a routine life with no one taking notice.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Great chapter. I felt that perhaps Zack suddenly arriving at the clinic was a little confusing. I understand he is a hired killer and now wants to become a regular citizen. But I am not sure who is after him. Is he at the clinic because he wants Zack to disappear and Brad to take his place. I liked the insight into Zack's nature. He is tired of the life he has lived and now wants to settle down, and live a routine life with no one taking notice.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Hi Liz,
Zack has wanted to change his life for a while but realized the impossibility of it until he gets to make a hit and sees the double murder. The papers give him an out, and he kind of shoots from the hip. I'm rushing myself, wanting to the the chapters out too fast. I have to give myself more time, for sure.
Thanks so much for the great review,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
okay, so zack was supposed to kill this brad.... but he was already killed - along with some other dude? got a little confused there :-/P
one other thing i noticed.... isn't "soulmate" meant to be one word? i see is as two words making one word like two people making one life? just a thought ;-)
other than those two things, didn't notice anything else to make a note of. thanx for sharing and on to the next chapter! :)
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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okay, so zack was supposed to kill this brad.... but he was already killed - along with some other dude? got a little confused there :-/P
one other thing i noticed.... isn't "soulmate" meant to be one word? i see is as two words making one word like two people making one life? just a thought ;-)
other than those two things, didn't notice anything else to make a note of. thanx for sharing and on to the next chapter! :)
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Okay, I threw you a curve somewhere. Zack is just Zack, a contract killer who works for the FBI. He's sent to put a hit on a guy, but when Zack gets to his house, not only is the hit already is dead, so is whoever shot him.
Brad is just the 'cover name' assigned to that 'case' by the doctors at the Clinic. It's a made up name, like an alias. I think it's ch. 3, check it out 'cause there are a couple of hints in there.
Soulmate - looks good to me, but the spell checker doesn't agree! What's a gal to do?
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Ted T
Hi Gayle :)
You're moving along well and raised a few questions.
[another agency,] paragraph four -- repeated on the same line. You're not proofing carefully enough and trying to get in more posts. One good chapter a day is enough.
In Paragraph six your on the edge of a Narrative POV shift from third person to first.
Paragraph seven is clearly Zack's internal dialogue. Then you're back to shifting between first and third person.
These problems develop during too much "Telling".
What a concept[!] -- No exclamation point necessary.
I had to clean out a ton of them from "Legs" ... they're usually unnecessary.
Now I'm in total confusion. Suddenly, Zack wants a new identity and without any complication he's accepted at the clinic.
You've set things up hinting at a connection between Zack and Hati? And Zack has no injuries to be repaired?
I'm lost.
as one could want[!] -- Not Needed.
Clarity is slipping and causing confusion.
At this point you're writing two different stories.
Ted
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Hi Gayle :)
You're moving along well and raised a few questions.
[another agency,] paragraph four -- repeated on the same line. You're not proofing carefully enough and trying to get in more posts. One good chapter a day is enough.
In Paragraph six your on the edge of a Narrative POV shift from third person to first.
Paragraph seven is clearly Zack's internal dialogue. Then you're back to shifting between first and third person.
These problems develop during too much "Telling".
What a concept[!] -- No exclamation point necessary.
I had to clean out a ton of them from "Legs" ... they're usually unnecessary.
Now I'm in total confusion. Suddenly, Zack wants a new identity and without any complication he's accepted at the clinic.
You've set things up hinting at a connection between Zack and Hati? And Zack has no injuries to be repaired?
I'm lost.
as one could want[!] -- Not Needed.
Clarity is slipping and causing confusion.
At this point you're writing two different stories.
Ted
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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You're right, Ted, I'm going too fast. I'm going to rework this chapter. You'll like it better, I'm sure.
Okay, as you know, everything done at the clinic is highly secret, but it's case-by-case. For instance, Hali is herself, she's there due to injuries, but many of the patients have to hide, to get a 'new look' either they're Seals or Special Forces who've been outed or a woman with a stalker - or a man.
No one knows whose place Zack took. At this point, we don't know who was. Parisi and Kellogg deal with file names, not real names, so they don't find Zack odd, except that he seems a bit more confident now, more so than when he filled out his questionnaire. Now, Hali and Zack are going to become friends, I think, maybe more. I haven't gotten the memo yet, lol, but that's what I'm thinking.
Thanks so much, Ted, for the heads up. I'm putting on the brakes as of right now!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
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Keep at it, things will fall into place. Just be careful not to paint yourself into a corner :)
Comment from emrpoems
God development of plan for the story.
Middle age bore down on him like a freight train exactly how you fee sometimes and only courage will lift you up again
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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God development of plan for the story.
Middle age bore down on him like a freight train exactly how you fee sometimes and only courage will lift you up again
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Hi and thanks for the fine review and comments. Hope to see you again,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
American taxpayers money, wasted as usual. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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American taxpayers money, wasted as usual. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Thanks, Charlie. I have to admit, I'm having fun with this one.
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayl, Charlie
