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Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Akhali Ibrahim"A Whole New Identity
17 total reviews
Comment from lludlow
So far so good. I'm trying to catch up. Good writing and it all moves along smoothly.
Paragraph 3 reads that Edward was the exception, but I don't know what Edward is the exception to. Did I miss something? Also, I don't think the doctors should call Hali's surgeries "Adventures". They might think it's going to be fun because it's certainly a challenge, but if I were the patient, I would be offended by hearing them call it an adventure.
Other than those two minor things, great job!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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So far so good. I'm trying to catch up. Good writing and it all moves along smoothly.
Paragraph 3 reads that Edward was the exception, but I don't know what Edward is the exception to. Did I miss something? Also, I don't think the doctors should call Hali's surgeries "Adventures". They might think it's going to be fun because it's certainly a challenge, but if I were the patient, I would be offended by hearing them call it an adventure.
Other than those two minor things, great job!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Hey Ludlow, okay, among other things, Ari sliced off her tongue, so speaking is almost impossible. Edward has known her family forever and he and Hali are close friends. He can understand her speech when others can't. Usually she has to use a tablet to talk.
I think the adventure has as much to do with the complete change as anything else. New face, new life, new past, new future. That, at least to me, is quite an adventure, but let me read it when I get to the second edit and I'll look for that.
Great comments, lots to think about, thanks,
Gayle
Comment from rwilliam
wow you have my interest in this story for sure. I need to know how this will play out! Great job.. as usual. :-)
Only one thing that jumped out at me.. I may have misunderstood so here it is...I can't believe she's able to breathe normally and the tip of her tongue is gone as well."
You said earlier the husband had cut a good chunk out of her tongue. Now maybe the Dr.s are talking about the tip because that's significant... if so then never mind. Just thought I'd mention it in case. :-)
Off to read more...
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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wow you have my interest in this story for sure. I need to know how this will play out! Great job.. as usual. :-)
Only one thing that jumped out at me.. I may have misunderstood so here it is...I can't believe she's able to breathe normally and the tip of her tongue is gone as well."
You said earlier the husband had cut a good chunk out of her tongue. Now maybe the Dr.s are talking about the tip because that's significant... if so then never mind. Just thought I'd mention it in case. :-)
Off to read more...
Comment Written 09-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
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Ha! Did i minimize too much when I said tip? I pondered that - didn't want to make it seem like it was too big, or she wouldn't be able to eat at all! Another great comment, Rebecca and I can't thank you enough.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Oh I'm so glad. I get so nervous when I give feed back I NEVER want to hurt anyone's feelings. Glad you understood. :-)
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Your words painted a vivid picture of Hali's injuries. The abusive husband syndrome is reminiscent of Bob and Terry from Wicked Inspirations. I thought Bob was the worst scoundrel I'd even come across; however, I think Ari might have him beat. Your descriptions aptly portrayed the Saudi male mindset of women - they are nothing. I have a feeling Ari is going to make himself known and be a character truly worthy of the 'antagonist' label.
Nicely done. Onto the next chapter . . .
Suz
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Your words painted a vivid picture of Hali's injuries. The abusive husband syndrome is reminiscent of Bob and Terry from Wicked Inspirations. I thought Bob was the worst scoundrel I'd even come across; however, I think Ari might have him beat. Your descriptions aptly portrayed the Saudi male mindset of women - they are nothing. I have a feeling Ari is going to make himself known and be a character truly worthy of the 'antagonist' label.
Nicely done. Onto the next chapter . . .
Suz
Comment Written 07-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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Indeed, I agree. He's going to be a force to be reckoned with. I have to step lightly there, don't want to hurt feelings, but I want to be honest and accurate as well. I might need your help!
Hugs and thanks<~>
Gayle
Comment from irititall_bana
This chapter was a little slow. I found one grammatical error in the first paragraph. In my opinion was should precede determined. This again is only my opinion but I think the pronoun usage in the first few paragraphs is excessive. Maybe use her first name instead of her in some of the sentences. I really like what I have read so far. I just think a few minor change in words or sentence structure would make a great improvement. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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This chapter was a little slow. I found one grammatical error in the first paragraph. In my opinion was should precede determined. This again is only my opinion but I think the pronoun usage in the first few paragraphs is excessive. Maybe use her first name instead of her in some of the sentences. I really like what I have read so far. I just think a few minor change in words or sentence structure would make a great improvement. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Hi Carolyn,
As the story gets rolling we'll move along better. Then too, when I get this out here on FS, then I go back and take into consideration rewording or other suggestions from the fans. I'll check your concerns in particular. I'm so conscious of 'name tags' that sometimes I go too far in the other direction!
Comment from TervLass
Hi Gayle,
Very, very nicely done. Excellent on the examination with compassion, along with totally realistic dialogue for all parties. Also, the examination scene, with its light touch, seeds the initiation of a comfort-friendship-working-relationship between clinicians and Hali.
Helen
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Hi Gayle,
Very, very nicely done. Excellent on the examination with compassion, along with totally realistic dialogue for all parties. Also, the examination scene, with its light touch, seeds the initiation of a comfort-friendship-working-relationship between clinicians and Hali.
Helen
Comment Written 06-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Hi Helen, thanks so much for the comments. I'm sure you do the same; I become the character, not me, Gayle, I become them. As I develop in my mind the reaction the character would have, the character grows personality in my mind, anyway. Say, do you know Norbanus? Freddie? He's my mentor and back in 2003 when I first started writing here, he was my first fan. He reviewed every word, and got to know my characters so well, after the 3rd book, he says to me "Melanie would never have said that. You meant Jessi." Just like that, no doubt in his mind. I scurried back and sure enough, he was right.
Whew, don't know where that came from! Anyway, thanks so much for all the support and lovely stars,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
I see nothing to nit pick about here. I think I will very much enjoy this book. I hope to do a little writing myself. I just have to find a good time for me. I have so much going on in the mornings now. So, hopefully after work. I am lloking forward to reading more.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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I see nothing to nit pick about here. I think I will very much enjoy this book. I hope to do a little writing myself. I just have to find a good time for me. I have so much going on in the mornings now. So, hopefully after work. I am lloking forward to reading more.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Heidi! There you are again! :) I think you'll like it, too! And I'm thrilled to hear you'll thinking about writing again. I look forward to seeing a new book from you!
Thanks for the review, my friend!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
It was he, after much sleuthing and research, who found the Wilshire Clinic and [-he] who handled
possiblity /possibility of infection.
more than [-the] they'd first projected.
What savage brutality. I do think she should take on a completely new identity name face,country and all.
Great job with this one. The story flowed quite well.
See you in the next chapter.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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It was he, after much sleuthing and research, who found the Wilshire Clinic and [-he] who handled
possiblity /possibility of infection.
more than [-the] they'd first projected.
What savage brutality. I do think she should take on a completely new identity name face,country and all.
Great job with this one. The story flowed quite well.
See you in the next chapter.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Hey Sylvia, great eye - got those guys, thank you so much. Yes, it's a culture that most American's can relate to. I've done a good bit of research on this subject, enough to stay on solid ground, anyway. I hope I can keep on delivering, because if this is going where I think it is, it'll be quite a trip.
Thank you so much for the catch and the great comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Liz Dunbee
This is a brilliant and exciting chapter. I think your descriptions of the damage done to poor Ms Ibrahim are excellent. A wonderful beginning to your story which promises to be an excellent book. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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This is a brilliant and exciting chapter. I think your descriptions of the damage done to poor Ms Ibrahim are excellent. A wonderful beginning to your story which promises to be an excellent book. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Hi Liz,
Thank you so much for the wonderful comments, the support and that lovely sixer. It's gorgeous, but your words, ah, they're what is lighting up my smile as we speak!
This is a wide open subject, isn't it? So many ways to go! I'll try to restrain myself to two or three.
Again, thank you!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Paddywack
Showboat. The best work I've read on this site by far. Intriguing, sensitive, thoughtful writing; beautiful characterisations; eloquent story telling. Kept me involved from beginning to end. Profesional and well developed technical skills are evident on every line. I wish I had something to offer by way of suggested improvements, but I don't. Quite jealous of your skills!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Showboat. The best work I've read on this site by far. Intriguing, sensitive, thoughtful writing; beautiful characterisations; eloquent story telling. Kept me involved from beginning to end. Profesional and well developed technical skills are evident on every line. I wish I had something to offer by way of suggested improvements, but I don't. Quite jealous of your skills!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Hi Paddy,
Well, I'm pasting this out and adding it to my list of 'fave' reviews. I really appreciate the high praise and that sixer as well. I hope you'll continue to read along!
Thank you!
Gayle
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I am already looking forward to more of this story and my next immediate task is to read chapter 1.I find this one most engaging and your conclusion promises much in the future. Giddy
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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I am already looking forward to more of this story and my next immediate task is to read chapter 1.I find this one most engaging and your conclusion promises much in the future. Giddy
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Ah, good girl. I like to start at the beginning, too. That's why I find it impossible to start at Ch. 18 and go from there, lol.
We're going to have fun, that's for sure! Buckle up!
And thanks again for the great review.
Gayle
